Being a little bit too warmed up to walk all their way back home, they took the bus. Mathias felt a tad dizzy, though, nothing compared to the times he would drink his face down. He was a heavy drinker. All those years drinking with his dad had proved him to get very tolerant to alcohol, especially beer in fact. They used to drink it as water, and he had kept this habit in Norway for a long while until he found out that beers and cigarettes were expensive…
When they got back home, they crashed in their bed and cuddled for a long endless moments. Mathias, despite being warm on alcohol, didn't feel like sleeping yet and simply pulled his lover against him to caress his entire body until they were both completely naked and simply lied caressing each other.
Yes, this night had made them closer. The Dane was more than happy they had gotten closer for all the fights they had gotten into the last few weeks… Silent fights and vocal ones, some where Mathias was drunk out of his ass and violent… He simply wished he would never hurt Niels this way…
Though, at the moment, nothing could be more perfect. They knew a little bit more about each other and they felt close as ever. It was like nothing could go on Mathias' way to get his lover's heart and make it melt between his hands. He was hard to get, oh yes, but he would get him.
xxx
Niles hadn't been drinking beer but hard liquor so he was in a a lot more rougher state than Mathias. The caresses he was receiving were a mix of arousing and soothing. He doubted it would lead to sex, and if it did, it would be the most clumsy sex in the Norwegian's history. It reminded Niels of the time Mathias and he had gone out drinking, only to turn each other on and pass out before committing the act. Laughing at the memory, Niels had to ask Mathias, "Remember when Eirik found us passed out on the floor butt naked?"
Oh how his brother had reacted. But looking back, Niels could see how badly Eirik wanted Niels to date someone. The brother must had figured out that Mathias was actually a good man. Niels half wondered if they would even be together if it hadn't been for his brother for Niels didn't make any effort to getting Mathias. No, he pushed the Dane away. But sitting there now, caressing Mathias' stomach and sides, Niels couldn't help but want to thank whomever got them together. The warm feeling was almost alarming Niels, but he managed to quiet it with a kiss. The wetness of the kiss on Niels' dry lips made him shiver and he wished that this night wouldn't end, even though he knew it was towards its end.
xxx
Mathias laughed at the memory and hid his face in the crook of Niels' neck. What a sexy night they had came back from that night… He remembered them laughing like retards and finally passing out on the floor. Though, his memory of his lover, who wasn't his lover at that moment, was a bit blurred, though, he clearly remembered being able to touch very pointy ribs and hip bones when stroking his sides just as he was doing at that very instant… but now he was a tad fleshier and it was very sexy.
"Yeah," he whispered, moving his head back to peck Niels' lips and keep their heads at a pecking distance, "And I remember," he began just like he had read into his lover's mind, "how Eirik would always ask me if we were finally together…" Poor boy… for all the times he probably had heard his brother and the Dane get laid in the living room… even Mathias had been really confused over Niels until he knew who he really was.
Though, he had kept focussing on him. Damn it, he had met him as a human and student before as a whore and he still wanted to treat him as a normal guy, who he was…, he had simply forgot it he supposed.
"Remember that time at the beach?" Mathias whispered, pecking the Norwegian's lips. His stomach twisted at the half painful memory. It had been a really good night until he propose Niels to go out with him… he couldn't understand, and still couldn't… for why he had refused. All those events had gone so fast… they knew for a couple of months now, and yet, they had lived things a normal couple would probably never live in their entire couple life.
xxx
Niels nodded at the memory and tried to kiss away what ever bitter memory he was sure Mathias was thinking about. Even though he was talking about the good time at the beach, no doubt his mind had wondered to when Niels had rejected him. To be honest, due to Niels consuming a lot of alcohol, he didn't remember a lot of things. If Niels could, he would build a time machine and smack himself and tell him to date Mathias and get out of the business he was doing. A lot of things would be so different if he had.
"We should redo our beach trip." Niels suggested, his lips were close enough that as he spoke they brushed against Mathias. It made his shiver from the light touching. "After all we live in Denmark now and this place has more beaches than anything else." Niels said lightly. It could be something that they could do maybe on his next weekend and now it was more spring than winter so it wouldn't be nearly as cold. "What do you say? We can do it on my weekend." Of course, Niels was neglecting the fact he needed more money and cocaine and Mathias still needed to find a job.
xxx
"Ya," Mathias joyfully said, though, sleep was catching him. His entire body felt extremely limp and his muscles weren't responding anymore to his brain's orders, "It would be awesome…" to repair what they had broken that very day, he thought. Both had acted like imbeciles on that night at the beach; Mathias for being too eager to get into a relation with the Norwegian and Niels for having rejected him without any apparent reasons.
Well, Mathias was always neglecting the fact that maybe he hadn't been of Niels' type in the first place, and that he maybe still wasn't, but well. The Dane was looking more than the look when he would want to discover someone, and most of the people he used to like or love were not all fashion mannequins.
Eventually, Mathias felt into slumbers, almost as lamely as that time on the living room's floor at Niels' in Norway. Despite the previous deep depression he had fallen into that night had proven to be a good one and a soothing one for his self-esteem and mood. He felt a whole lot better and relieved; maybe in the end Niels was feeling the same thing as he did, thus being some very very strong affection and attraction, something close to love that could be or not be it. After this night, Mathias thought he certainly loved him. He loved Niels. Yes, he did…
xxx
Niels didn't know if what he was feeling was love. Truth be told, he had handled love in small quantities and really he could only say he ever loved his brother. But that was a different type of love and Niels knew that. But he still felt happy enough to snuggle Mathias closer and close his eyes to sleep.
When he woke the next morning, he had to stumble around to find his phone and to call in work. He felt like shit and his mouth tasted like shit. Calling in, the woman's voice on the other end made him wince. Grumbling he gave his information before crawling back into bed. Mathias hadn't even stirred. Niels was happy to resume his original position. Quickly he went back to sleep.
xxx
After this night at the bar, Niels came back home more often right after work. It was like each time they were happy to see each other and speak. Week end was coming, and their drunken promise of going to the beach was getting closer each day. The remind of their last day at the beach was still a bit sore into Mathias' heart, though, now he knew it would be perfect. It couldn't unbe. He had been planning to do quite the same thing, though, with them now being officially together, things would very certainly go a lot smoother.
They would pass complete evenings lied on their bed with the T.V on, watching some movie while cuddling. The more time they passed together, the closer they would get, and still Mathias didn't know what his lover was doing in his back.
Finally, on the week-end, they packed the car with little things they had for the beach, some blankets, food they bought at the grocery, and other vital things like alcohol before departing for the East. Mathias knew some good beaches there, and especially in this time of the year, which was early spring, people were still staying far from any watery area.
xxx
Niels didn't feel the need to go out and drink with Thomas every night. But those nights where he needed to replenish his supply or get more money, he did quickly so that his return was no more than two hours late. He felt happy to be around the Dane, even though half the time he was high as a kite. Sometimes when he wasn't on something, Niels would get worried and scared at how things were going. The idea of being in a steady relationship was almost frightening to Niels at times. But... he had been looking forward to this day.
So when they finally parked the car and noticed that there wasn't a soul around, Niels kissed Mathias fiercely on the lips, struggling against the seat buckles. After the sloppy kiss, Niels reached into the back seat of the car and withdrew the basket and blanket. Of course, the wind was blowing the frigid air, but it was no where near as bad as a winter wind. While Mathias carried his loads of fire wood to their spot, Niels did his best to build a bank against the wind, much like he had done the first time. Not only would it shield them, it'd make making a fire a whole lot easier.
Spreading the blanket on the ground, Niels watched Mathias work. Today, Niels made sure that he wasn't high. Not that he could have been, he was completely out. Sometime very soon he'd have to work to get the funds to buy some more and he could even feel the urge to snort some cocaine now. Distracting himself, Niels focused on Mathias.
xxx
It took the Dane several tried to get his fire to grow and finally hold, and when it did, he went to sit next to his lover and wrapped his arms around him. It was still plain day, but soon the sun would get now and they would be happy to already have settled a strong and hot fire.
Though, they snuggle didn't last for long, "Hey," Mathias lowly said, rubbing his nose into Niels' hair, "wanna…" he began, giving the man a cocky expression before looking at the waves dying on the shore, "take a dip?" he said, not even waiting for the man's approval before standing and removing all his clothes. No, it wasn't a hot summer day, it was in fact a tad cold early spring one, but Mathias really felt like doing stupid things at the moment. He hadn't done retarded stuff in ages and only felt like regretting his actions now.
And so, butt naked without a single soul around, the Dane rapidly ran to the icy water without slowing down, simply feeling like backing with every step in made into the water, but kept going until it covered his hips. There, he froze and laughed.
"It's good, come on!" he said, trembling as he waved at his lover to come. Damn, he was breathing fog… it was so freezing cold. No time for regrets now! He was still young…
xxx
Niels watched the Dane with wide eyes. Was he insane. Standing hollering as loud as he could, Niels shouted, "You're going to get pneumonia and die, idiot!" Watching Mathias get smacked by a wave that took him under the water made Niels shiver. Mathias simply popped up and waved to him and Niels could have sworn he heard laughter. "Don't do that!" Niels chided. Mathias was going to be sick with an ear infection and god knows what else. Not to mention that winter seas had stronger currents...
But Niels began to take off his clothes, slowly in hopes that by the time he reached the water, he would be in and out because Mathias couldn't handle the cold water anymore. Completely naked, Niels peeked around his sandfort for any people. Everything was clear and Niels began to jog towards the water, but stopped abruptly when his toes and ankles were brushed by a small waver. Crinkling his face, Niels stood there, with his hands on his hips and stated firmly, "After this I expect the hottest shower on this earth or I'm not getting in." Dear god he didn't want to get in.
xxx
Laughing, Mathias made his best to reach the shore and join Niels. Oh, that relieved face he could see on his lover's face when he came out of water, just like he expected Mathias to simply give up, "Sure babe," he said with a giggle as he grabbed his man tightly into his arms and rapidly went back in the water, keeping a struggling Norwegian in his arms as they rapidly dived back until the bigger man stumbled into the tide and dropped his charge, falling under water along with him. Rapidly emerging back from the icy water, Mathias gave his lover a trembling mocking grin, one plastered on his face; this was way too funny to be only lived one time.
"Good, uh?" he joked, preferring to stay with his shoulder in water. He was slowly getting used to the water's very low temperature and emerging was feeling even colder. He would almost feel the droplets of water dripping from his hair freezing, though, it wasn't the case, it was a bit warmer than this.
xxx
Shivering and giving Mathias a deadly look, Niels wanted to punch Mathias. "T-This sucks." he stated before standing and trying to leave before the next wave, but Mathias anchored him down. It was so cold that Niels could not feel any body heat coming from Mathias' body. When Niels thought of their beach vacation, he had imagined walking the beach for shells and cuddling by the fire. Now he was trapped in icy water with a stupid, Dane.
But he began to change his tune as his body started to turn numb from the cold and slowly became used to the water. Niels somehow found being held by the naked Dane in cold freezing water sensual enough that Niels kissed the man lightly. The hotness of Mathias' mouth could be felt on Niels' cold trembling lips. However after a few minutes of kisses and running his tongue of Mathias salt tasting lips, Niels became tired of the cold water and could simply stand it no longer. After all, he could see the flicker of their fire.
"Alright you had your fun. I'm going back to the fire." Niels growled as he broke from Mathias' arms and ran head on towards the glow of their fire.
xxx
The Dane didn't wait one more second before following his lover back on the shore and rapidly went to cuddle by the fire. It took them both endless time before getting some body heat back, and rolling himself into a blanket, Mathias ran to the can to bring the 24 pack of beer and make the radio play some music. Well, if they couldn't feet warm enough, alcohol would make them do.
Taking the meal they had prepared themselves, Mathias opened them both a beer and handed one to Niels, lifting his own bottle as he would make a toast. With his sandwich in one hand, he gave the Norwegian a loving look, "To us," he warmly said, "And Eirik."
Keeping a gentle smile on his lips, they bumped their glass bottle together and took a long sip. In a way, without Eirik, Niels and he wouldn't be there, together, now. Or well, with him, they wouldn't be there. Maybe, maybe not, but Eirik's death had provoked them to be together faster than necessary, and had caused them difficulties. But it wasn't anybody's fault. No one was to blame in this story. If one, the boy's killer, but Niels would also be to blame and Mathias didn't like to think like this.
Both wrapped into the same blanket and having pulled their clothes back on when they were dry enough to wear them back, Niels' was sat into the bigger man's arms and both were silently munching on their dinner while the sun while slowly beginning to brush on the horizon.
xxx
Niels didn't exactly like it when Mathias toasted to Eirik. It was like opening a fresh wound that shouldn't had been opened. He damn well knew it was his fault that his brother was dead, but he really tried to not hold it against Mathias for bringing it up. The truth could not be rewritten no matter how much Niels wished he could. Leaning into Mathias, Niels kept his eyes on the fire in front of him, trying to dismiss that one small mistake that Mathias had created.
Eventually Nels was able to forget the words from the mix of alcohol, his body warming up, and the soothing caresses from Mathias. It all slipped away and Niels was feeling content once more. He wished that they could stay at the beach all night and just feed their fire and cling to each other for warmth. "You know, I wish I would have said yes back then." Niels whispered after a long while. The alcohol had gone to his a tad, and he felt talkative and warm. "Well now I do. I guess my decision back then made sense."
xxx
Hearing these words from Niels made the Dane smile, "Really?" said more than asked. He remembered the evening they had passed at the beach in Norway back in late autumn or early winter. They were sat by the fire, next to each other and stroking each other's hands like they were actual lovers. This date had been meant to seduce Niels in fact and ask him out, though, he had somewhat coldly declined his offer. They had both enjoyed themselves on that night and the Norwegian really looked like he was attached to Mathias and any girl acting like this would have jumped into the Dane's arms at his request for dating each other, but not Niels.
"What If ye had said yes? What would have happened ye think?" Mathias asked, gently rocking his lover in his arms while he stretched for his bag and took his cigarettes to light himself one. Not that he felt nervous or anything but… damn, he had gotten back into it. One bottle in a hand and a smoke in the other, between the thumb and his middle finger, Mathias kissed his lover's temple and rested the side of his face on his head as he kept the slow rocking.
xxx
Niels felt cold. He really wished that Niels hadn't asked that question. "I guess... if I had said yes then I would have stopped whoring around sooner. And then, possible Eirik would still be here." his eyes began to sting as the words finally slipped out of his mouth. For months Niels had been thinking these words, but he never spoke them. "If I wasn't so stupid, and said yes you would have been to help me and I wouldn't have gotten that stupid debt. I had a good reason to say no, I couldn't let you on. I mean that was my life but..." he choked off his words trying to keep himself calm. Niels hadn't cried about Eirik since they came to Denmark and he didn't need to start up again.
But Niels knew the flaw in his reasoning. Cocaine. Mathias had still not gotten Niels off the stuff. Maybe the debt could have been avoided, but Niels doubted that Mathias would had figured it out in time. Eirik would have still died. The fact that Niels still did the drug now was proof.
xxx
Mathias felt bad all of a sudden, like someone was squeezing his heart, "Babe, I'm sorry," he said, pulling Niels higher into his arms, making him wrap his arms around his neck, "I-I shouldn't have asked this… don't be upset, it's not yer fault…" he warmly whispered into his lover's ear, giving him all the warmth he could his their tight embrace. "If there's someone to blame, it's me," he said, receiving a confused glare from the Norwegian. Mathias shortly sighed, pecking his lover's lips and rubbed their noses together, "If I hadn't crashed in yer life, I'm sure nothin' of this would have happened… I mean… ye probably would still be into it, yes, but Eirik would still be alive…"
He believed that all the time Mathias had extracted to his lover had, in the end, killed his brother. He had been so willing to conquer Niels, and yet he didn't know he was struggling for money and that he was growing a huge debt. He learned about it some days before the deadline, and yet, Eirik never knew.
"Don't blame yerself for that babe… ye can't change the past, ye can only change yer future…" he said with a sad cheeky smile as he kissed his lover's lips.
xxx
But Niels wasn't changing his future and Mathias didn't realize it. Niels still did cocaine he still slept for people for money, granted it was just Gilbert, but none of his life choices had changed. And that made Niels worse to the point that a few tears slide down his cheeks and he tried to hide his face in Mathias' shirt. After a few moments, Niels was able to take a shaky breath and calm himself before he totally ruined the night.
"I'm sorry." he whispered. "I didn't mean to ruin the night. I just... you know." Feel as if on that beach was the turning point for Niels where he could keep his brother alive. He settled back against Mathias, leaning his back up against him before staring up at the night sky that was mostly cloudy. "Thank you Mathias, for everything. I'm really having a good time. I'm just a tad drunk off all the beers I've drank."
xxx
"It's nothin' babe…" Mathias said, enlacing the man a tad tighter while kissing his temple, "Anythin' for ye." He giggled as he looked at the little alcohol they had drunken up to now; nothing like the entire pack, maybe three each. Warmly smiling, Mathias took a last puff of his smoke and threw it into the fire, blowing the remains and downed his fourth consummation.
He knew Niels could handle more than only a couple of beers before looking drunk… so, it was more than this. Mathias had provoked things to come back to him, which wasn't his goal, and thus he shut not wanting to ignite any more bad feelings into his lover. They just sat there, slowly drinking on their beer and cuddling by the fire.
Though, Mathias couldn't remain for ever silent and had to break it, "What are ye goin' to do with yer studies?" he asked, kissing his lover's head.
xxx
Niels hadn't really thought about it. Thinking back, he knew that he had passed all of his classes last semester, but to continue in law with a full time job. "Until you get a job I don't think I could go back. Studying law with a full time job should be a crime." he revealed bitterly. It wasn't that he was mad at Mathias, far from it, he just didn't like how his degree took a lot of his time. "Maybe I should pursue another career. Besides someone like shouldn't go into law."
After all Niels still did cocaine that was against the law. Wouldn't that be scandalous. Learn about the law yet don't uphold it. "How about... since you are struggling to get a job, you instead go back to college. I know that you didn't do so great last time, but I think you should give it a shot." Niels pecked Mathias on the lips lightly. "I bet you could get a better job than your father's with just a few classes."
xxx
Mathias slightly frowned. In fact, he had gotten his results and he failed in most of his classes… mainly because he was distracted and had never done well at school in the first place. He was far more of a manual than a theory guy and studying was hard for him.
"Look, if I go back to college, ye come with me," he said with a cheeky grin, "Ye can have a great future in law, and make a whole lot of money… I know that ye did some against-the-law stuff, but ye're still young and everyone makes mistakes… ye just have to get back on track and continue; don't waste your chances babe. I don't want ye to stay in those kinds of full time jobs all yer life, it's not suitin' ye."
And he sighed… he didn't like to think of Niels working his ass off to pay all his bills and stay like this his entire life. This man was destined for the great life, unlike Mathias. Niels was bright, he was a genius compared to the Dane and he needed to go to school.
"I know I always say this, but Niels, I will find a job and I'll pay for all ye need. Go back to school, I swear, I'll help ye…"
xxx
Niels frowned at Mathias' lack of interest to going back to school. Sure Niels knew that Mathias wasn't the brightest person he had ever met, but he wasn't dumb. Besides, a degree would go a long way in jobs such as carpentry. Hell if he took the right classes he could be the boss of his own dad. "Get a job first and we will talk about our schooling, together." Niels finally agreed after a moment. Besides, now that Eirik wasn't alive Niels didn't have the will to go back to law. He had only picked that career path to be rich enough so Eirik didn't ever need to worry about money. But now... he'd rather have a more anti-social career.
"Besides..." Niels said yawning and stretching back to link is arms around Mathias' neck. "I like being lazy and staying home with you." Which he did. Taking this semester off to goof off felt wonderful. Niels could easily take one more semester off as well.
xxx
Mathias chuckled, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist to bring him a tad closer, "Yeah," he simply replied before making their lips softly touch and kiss each other. With the dancing light from the fire and its warmth, the little touching of their lips was sending shivers through the Dane's entire body.
"Niels," he softly said as he slowly parted but kept a warm distance between them. He wasn't quite sure about how his lover would react, neither did he know how to exactly say it… he feared to be rejected just in the same way he had been on a similar beach in Norway months ago when he had proposed the same man to go out with him, to be his boyfriend and lover in the future. But he took a chance. He was willing to take this chance, because he knew his feelings were right and he could put words on them now, and he simply wanted to express them, to share with Niels.
"I love ye," he finally said, looking right into the man's mysterious blue eyes. His whole cage was beating along with his heart, he was so nervous. He hadn't said these words in ages, and never to a male… he didn't know if he should, if males had to say these or whatever, he was pretty clueless. He knew girls felt the need to do it and especially to hear it from their lover to feel loved.
But between the Norwegian and he, it had always been a bit foggy and they had never been able to put words on what they were until very recently.
And in Mathias head, it was the first time he was saying these words to Niels.
xxx
Niels wasn't sure how to feel about those words. To him it was sudden and unexpected. He didn't like being so caught off guard. Worst of all, he wasn't sure how he felt. A part of him was warm and happy but the rest of him was beating wildly with a nervous fear. No amount of beer could erase that uncomfortable feeling.
"Thanks." Niels said smoothly before returning to his beer. God he knew was being an ass not repeated those simple 'I love you' back. But Niels could probably count all the times he had said those words on his fingers. Worst of all he could feel Mathias' disappointment engulfing the whole atmosphere. God, he was ruining their night not having the courage to say something or even bother to think on how he felt. Niels was a selfish person, but a big part of him truly just didn't want to know his own feelings.
xxx
Yes, Mathias was disappointed. He shouldn't have said the words… he felt yet again rejection, though, he a lot more subtle way. He didn't feel rejected in the same way Niels had rejected him so many times in the past, like all those times Mathias had tried to kiss him and he had pushed him away and that one time he had confessed his will of seducing Niels and he had clearly rejected his proposition… it was more subtle. Loving someone that didn't love him back was hard to be honest… or if he were, he was simply too timid to say it back.
Yes, it was very certainly that. He was too timid. Mathias didn't realise how sudden he had been. In his head, he had been all prepared to tell Niels that he loved him, but Niels wasn't it seemed. But the Dane wasn't ready to give up yet. One day, Niels would say these words back. One day sooner or later.
Feeling teasing, Mathias giggle and grabbed Niels' chin to pull it up, "Love ye," he lowly said into his ear as he kissed it, "Love ye," he repeated again against the man's temple and kept repeating the words with a big bright smile as he covered the man with kisses and love.
xxx
Somehow hearing Mathias repeat the words without expecting Niels to say them made him feel better. His heart stopped beating fast and returned to a more subdued beat. The brief, kisses from Mathias made Niels become less tense. Sliding his eyes shut he just sat there and enjoyed them. Since the beginning of their relationship he hadn't felt something so tender out of Mathias. Instead of fleeing from the Dane, Niels leaned in and wrapped his arms tightly around Mathias before peck the man's neck and cheeks.
"Mathias..." Niels breathed in the most loving way he could. There was nothing that could change the fact that would allow Niels to put his feelings to words. How could he when Niels honestly didn't know? But he could possibly express it threw his motions by hugging and kissing the man.
xxx
Yes, it was clear Niels was simply too shy. For the Dane, it was the reason why nothing could come out of his mouth. Though, there were thousands of other ways the Norwegian could show his love to Mathias, and one automatically passed through his mind as he wandered his look into the dark behind the fire to catch a glimpse of his door opened car that still played radio music.
Breaking their comfort by the fire, Mathias pushed himself up, taking Niels' hands to pull him up and dragged him away from their very warm spot to approach the coldness of the car. He pulled Niels on the back seat with him and closed all the doors, making sure the windows were all shut. And there, into their tightly squeezed space, Mathias leaned to grab his lover's face with both his hands and seal their lips into a soft kiss, gently motioning them along with their tongue, making soft moist sounds that were the only thing they could hear since the Dane had also turned the radio off.
"Show me how ye feel," Mathias whispered between two wet kissed.
xxx
Because of Mathias' overly sentimental words, Niels felt cold as ice. For a long moment, Niels hands remained heavy on the seats and just stared at the shadow of Mathias. For a short moment, Niels wanted to tell Mathias off for being such a fool, but the words wouldn't come. Timidly, Niels leaned over from his spot on the seat and brushed his lips against Mathias. Already his heart was hammering. It took Niels a few moments to get a hold of his clumsy movements before remembering how to kiss properly.
Running his hands threw Mathias' hair he began to recover his confidence, his brain forgetting Mathias' words. Sure, Niels was willing to show how he felt about the Dane, but it felt so awkward for him. Breaking off the kiss Niels began to assault Mathias' neck, sucking and softly biting a few places. Niels could taste the salty residue of sea water on his skin as he ran his tongue over the flesh. It some how was addicting and he found himself unbuttoning Mathias' shirt quickly. Without a doubt Mathias expected Niels to go slowly, but he couldn't help but accelerate this small part. Niels would simply have to slow down later.
xxx
Mathias' car wasn't the biggest one, especially not for him who was already tall enough that he couldn't lie on the back seat without having his knees in the face, though, the idea of doing it in his own car was very arousing. He had already made love to his ex girlfriend in this same car, on the same seat too, but now, it was different; it was Niels.
He shrugged his shirt off and worked on Niels' to also get it off. Both chest-naked, Mathias pulled his lover in a tight and warm embrace; the air was cold around them, but the Dane was willing to warm it up. The kissed and sucks on his neck were driving him completely crazy. Reaching Niels' pants with blind and clumsy hands, he unbuttoned and unzipped them, but didn't work anymore on them; to know that only one layer of clothes was separating him form his lover's nudity was really exciting.
Sitting himself back on the car's door, Mathias parted his legs to welcome his lover between them right into his arms and pull him into a sloppy wet kiss.
xxx
Niels sighed as he felt Mathias' fingers stumble to undo his fly. He knew that in a few minutes that his pants would have been painfully tight if he hadn't. Leaning into the kiss, Niels explored Mathias' body with his hands. He really did love his body, felt so firm, though because the lack of work it was becoming a bit more pudgy. But Niels didn't mind, there were still a lot of muscles left. It was addicting to caress his body. Niels even forgot that he was supposed to be showing how much he loved Mathias. Or maybe deep down without realizing it, Niels could do it quite naturally.
Leaning back for a moment, Niels brushed his hands over Mathias' cheeks and hair. With it being dark so Mathias couldn't see him very well so Niels allowed his expression lighten a bit as he looked at the shadowy figure in front of him. It was hard to believe that he was actually allowing himself in some way admit that he was in love with the man. It went against of of Niels' logic. Niels had only known Mathias for a few months. But in those few months, Niels had warmed up to the Dane, more than he was willing to admit.
Capturing his lips again, Niels brushed himself against Mathias, trying to get close as possible. If he could, Niels would stay there all night just kissing and running his hands over Mathias' shoulders. Breaking it off, Niels slid off of Mathias' lap and onto the other half of the seat before licking the skin just above his quick fingers he unzipped Mathias' pants eagerly running a finger around the slight bulge behind the fabric. Because of the crampness of the car, Niels couldn't remove the pants anymore without any great difficulty. Instead, he moved back the boxers before running his lips along the shaft. Mathias wasnt fully erect but Niels was fine with playing with him until he was.
xxx
Mathias moved his pants further down the more he could without cutting any space for his lover. The second Niels began to play with his half erected penis, the Dane stiffed and let out a low whimper, looking down at the man leaned between his legs. The words he had said, the request he had made about Niels showing him how he felt were words he didn't really think, though, they were worth it. If the Norwegian was really willing to show his feelings, Mathias was ready to take them.
Was it love? Affection? Actions were never as clear as words, but the Dane could comprehend the message. He couldn't put words on them, he didn't want to put them at Niels' place, but he could understand… it was the least he could do.
Soon, Mathias was completely erected. His mind had been a big agent into it, along with his lover's touches. And soon, Niels was sucking him off, enough for the Dane to bump the back of his head on the door's window with a long moan. Though, he didn't want to miss the show and returned to look down at the Norwegian slowly bobbing his head on the entire length while Mathias couldn't keep his hands for himself and caressed the littler man's neck and hair and cheeks and chin, anything he could touch that meant how grateful and happy he was at the moment.
And each time Niels was looking up at him, he felt his stomach twist happily, making him a little bit closer to the climax each times.
xxx
Niels kept a firm suction while his free hand trailed along the man's thighs. There was a strong dilemma in Niels situation. He usually loved to give Mathias head, but his body wanted to do a thousand things at once. But he had to concentrate at one thing at a time even though there was a strong urge to reach up and began to give Mathias hot kisses. Instead he sucked along the shaft until it popped out of his mouth and he assaulted Mathias' hips and thighs with wet hot kisses keep his hand pumping. He wished that Mathias was the sort of man that could handle more than one orgasm at a time, for Niels would live to have sucked him off until the end.
But his hand could feel the taunt muscles in Mathias' thighs and he could hear the breathy sounds coming from his mouth. Niels wanted to make Mathias feel the greatest he ever had been, but not at the cost of his own selfish desires. Niels loved the man, but he was still selfish as ever. So almost abandoning Mathias' erection, Niels kissed his way back up his chest a bit but kept his touches teasing and light on his cock.
The cool air could be felt on the back of his thighs where his pants had managed to slip down to his knees. Though he still had his boxers on, Niels encouraged Mathias to run his hands over him before kissing him another hot smothering kiss. With each new kiss Niels felt his heart beat faster. Even though he had no doubt that Mathias would have a hard time discerning Niels' actions as loving, to Niels everything he did was. The idea that he was willing to show that to Mathias was getting to Niels' head and it took everything in his power to not treat this as another sex session.
Burying his head in Mathias' hair Niels whispered softly Mathias' name, even though he could not get out the four words Mathias probably wanted to hear.
xxx
Sure, he was disappointed about Niels not finishing off, but he certainly knew that he wouldn't come back from his climax fast enough to please his boyfriend or that he would simply crash, exhausted, as he usually did after coming. But in the end, when Niels went up to press very hot and almost wet dripping lips against his, he simply felt like it was really worth it. In the end, Niels was showing Mathias how he felt…
Everything felt so hot and good. The Dane just made as his lover pleased by caressing his sides, lower back and his ass through the fabric of his exposed boxers. Feeling his man's hand keeping the caresses down on his very hard arousal, he slipped his hands under Niels' only remaining layer of clothing to grab his butt and caress the very soft and tender flesh.
Hearing his name said so sensually made him shiver and he had to return the hot favour with an extra 'love ye' all over the skin his lips could touch. Mathias finally pushed Niels on his back on the seat and rolled him on his upper back to have access to his butt. He ended pulling his pants completely off and simply pull the boxers off his ass to part his buttocks and roll his tongue around his hole.
xxx
Niels' breath caught in his throat as he felt Mathias' hot tongue lick his entrance. It felt wonderful but Niels felt slightly bad that Mathias had started pleasuring him. But when he felt the man's mouth move to his cock, Niels' body jolted from the shock of the wonderful feeling. As Mathias' hot mouth took his top in, Niels' legs kicked out, banging against the door. He couldn't stretch out his legs and having Mathias licking and sucking him while one of his hands beginning to prod his whole made Niels squirm. As a finger slid in it got significantly worse as Mathias tilted Niels' ass high up into the air. The whole position was putting a horrible cramp in Niels' neck. Even though it was wonderful, Niels couldn't help but hope that they wouldn't have sex in that position.
But he wouldn't deny that he was enjoying feeling Mathias toying with his hole while sucking him off. Though since Niels had stopped sleeping with multiple people per night, preparation had started to take a lot longer as his body began to return to a more of a normal state. It was a downside to Niels because he was so impatient, but for Mathias that loved taking things slow Niels was sure it had made things more enjoyable. Niels was just happy when he felt Mathias insert the third finger, for he couldn't hand his position much longer, he could feel something on the door digging into his skin.
xxx
While sucking on Niels and slipping his fingers in and out some last times, Mathias pulled the man's last remaining piece of clothing off the best he could and finished the preparation with a soft last sucking sound. When he released his lover by putting his ass down on his knees, he understood that they wouldn't continue in this position; he looked a bit uncomfortable, if not to say it looked painful how he was placed on the car's backseat.
Mathias looked around a short moment before sitting himself on the middle seat and dragging Niels on top of him. Yes, he was eager to start and go all the way now, but he wanted to enjoy a bit more his lover before penetrating him. And so, when the Norwegian sat astride him, having to tilt his head either on the side or forward to not have it bump on the car's ceiling, the Dane gave him a tender loving look while one of his hands trailed soothingly on his side and hip and his other caressed his proudly standing erection.
They kissed, wet lips colliding with each other with sloppy tongues swirling together. Though, in the end, he remembered that Niels was supposed to be the one leading this whole love session; Mathias was getting used to do it since his boyfriend was always a tad too eager and skipped some steps… he had to go his rhythm now. So he simply moved his head to give his neck gentle pecks and kisses, right under the jaw and behind the ears while whispering little 'love ye' all along.
xxx
Slipping his eyes shut, Niels enjoyed the loving adoration Mathias was giving him. He felt warm and fuzzy despite the cool air in the car. Niels couldn't help and brush himself against Mathias' bare stomach and run his hands down his neck as he left many kisses along Niels' neck and jaw. Wanting more kisses, Niels lead Mathias lips back to his. Between kisses he Niels murmured a few soft words to Mathias, all hinting what he felt. But unlike Mathias he kept his coyness.
No longer able to stand simply sitting on Mathias' lap and feeling his hard member brushing against Niels' skin, he slipped of Mathias' lap and onto the floorboard. Eagerly Niels sucked and licked the offending cock, coating it with is saliva. Of course, neither had thought to bring lube, but Niels was fine with his arrangement. He even sucked and bobbed his head more than he needed to, enjoying Mathias between his lips. But eventually that ache came back to his own cock and he slipped back onto Mathias' lap. Giving the man a sloppy kiss Niels lowered himself let out a loud moan in pleasure.
For a few minutes, Niels didn't move an inch. Instead he kept kissing Mathias, moving from his lips to his neck and ears. It felt good to feel Mathias seated deep inside Niels but god he still had the roaring urge to kiss ever inch of Mathias.
xxx
The deliciousness of Niels' touches and kissed were delighting. Mathias was in pure heaven; never had Niels given him so much and he already felt fed of it for a long moment. So long had he felt like he was being neglected but kept giving his lover love and affection while he would only take and take. He was so glad in the end he had confessed his love to the Norwegian even if he didn't voice his; he could feel it, and it didn't stop Mathias to continue saying it.
The second he found himself deep inside Niels, all of his lover's touches and kissed felt even better, like his entire body was four times more sensitive. His skin grew goose bumps and he shivered, returning the favour by caressed everything his hands could touch, especially a needy erection between his legs. It took them a certain moment before starting a slow thrusting pace, but it didn't stop them to continue their loving treating of each other.
"Hhha Niels…" Mathias whispered after Niels' wet and warm lips left his own to aim for his collar bone. He had nothing more to say than cheesy stuff, to say how much he loved him and how glad he was of all this… all of Niels' release, how they were now with each other… it was amazing.
xxx
Niels left a big, red mark on Mathias' collarbone before straitening as best as he could in the car so he could properly roll his hips. His arms rested on Mathias' shoulders as he caressed Mathias' face. Niels felt like he was wonderful in a way that he presently had. It was a lot better than the rough sex he used to coerce Mathias into, and in its own way felt better than the slow paced sex that seem to have dominated their recent lives. It was different and rawer. The stroking hand on his member felt wonderful, but so did the kisses that Niels now felt on sensitive parts of his neck.
But Niels still liked sex a little rough, so he rolled his hips a little more sharply, making a throaty, breathy sound as he did. He knew that he had to keep Mathias happy if he was going to go at the pace Niels liked, so even though Niels war breathing quickly, he melded his lips on Mathias, only breaking the kiss to get a few deep breaths.
xxx
Despite the place, the cramped space they were into, the cold air surrounding them, it was probably the best time sex they had so far. It was very erotic, only the two of them in Mathias' car, on the backseat, exchanging love with kissed and soothing touches. While kissing his lover, the Dane kept the slowly accelerating pumping of Niels' cock while his other hand moved up to pinch one of his nipple, clumsily rolling it between and fingers and rubbing his palm on it.
While Niels wasn't occupying his mouth with his lips, Mathias couldn't help but drop the head backward and smile while trying his best to hold soft giggles. He was way too happy at the moment, he could only feel pure given pleasure, pure paradise with butt naked angels flying around and one making love with him. He knew Niels would tell him something like 'I'm far to be an angel' but he didn't mind; he was one for him. The more he knew him, the more they shared love like this, the more he felt like dating an angel, a perfect silky skin angel with just enough shyness and roughness to be sexy and loveable.
Rolling his eyes back into his head, Mathias lowly moaned with a slight grin and wrapped one arm tightly around Niels to pull him closer.
xxx
Niels knew he wasn't no angel, in ways Mathias didn't know. In the back of his mind Niels though how this love making session hadn't changed anything. In fact, Niels would sometime that week return to Gilbert and sleep with the man. No matter what his feelings were for the Dane, his addiction was stronger. Sure, Niels deeply cared for Mathias and loved a lot things about the man such as how he looked at Niels or just how sexy and rough Mathias could get. But Niels loved his high more, and admitting that to himself made him feel bitter and terrible.
Leaning his head into Mathias' shoulder, Niels clung to him as he kept up a slow yet rough pace. Niels could feel sweat trailing down his back and the burning in his thighs along with a distinct feeling of tension growing in his groin. Turning his head towards Mathias' neck licking and sucking the spot. But, very timidly, Niels mouthed 'I love you' into the skin. He knew that Mathias wouldn't be able to tell and would only fill his lips brushing his skin. Niels simply wanted to try the words out. They felt heavy and clumsy and there was no doubt that he would never be able to tell them out loud for a long time.
Urging Mathias to stroke him faster, Niels tried his best to just cum. He loved Mathias and all, but the pressure was becoming too much and he wanted his release.
xxx
They both were on the verge of coming, and, despite Mathias wanting to take his time and hold back a little longer still felt like he didn't want to hold longer and simply wanted to cum and fill Niels to the rim, his wonderful and sexy lover. For the last efforts, they clung on each other tightly, slamming their lower bodies together in a hard and rough way while the Dane was pumping his lover the fastest he could. Their bodies were leaking with hot salty sweat, and even more with their last attempt to reach their climax.
And they both reached it almost at the same time.
Niels a second or two before. The second Mathias felt his hands being covered with hot sticky seed and a very tight constriction on his cock, he released, stiffing while being drove by spasms. He slowly untensed, slightly twitching while he emptied himself inside of Niels. They both broke into quick and deep panting, their wet and hot bodies stuck on each other.
Lazily and still trying to catch his breath, Mathias pulled Niels' head closer to whisper in his ear, "I love ye too…" and weakly kissed his lobe before wrapping tired arms around him, panting. He hadn't heard Niels pronounce the words, but he had wanted him to show how he felt, and if this wasn't love, he was completely clueless.
xxx
Slowly and extremely sluggishly, Niels slid off Mathias' lap to pull back on his clothes. He kept pecking Mathias on the lips as he dressed. Everything felt wonderful at that moment and Niels even laughed how all of the windows had fogged up. As much as Niels wished he could roll over and fall asleep in Mathias' arms right then and there, Niels still remembered the last time they spent the night in the car. Hell, Niels even had an urge and need to stand and stretch already.
Kissing Mathias one last time, Niels opened the door and waited for Mathias to fully clothe himself. Once done, Niels dragged Mathias back to their dying fire, stoking it back up and snuggling close. They were far enough from the sea that the night evening tide wouldn't sweep away their little campsite. So when they started drinking more beers to quench their thirst and the content sleepiness began to nag Niels' senses, he comfortably snuggled closer and closed his eyes. The last thing he remembered was his hands stroking Mathias'.
The follow days after the beach were nice, that is until Niels ran out of cocaine. He really did try to break his addiction on his own, by ignoring Gilbert's texts and trying to drown his itch to take cocaine. But eventually, Niels wasn't strong enough to resist. He had came down with a mean streak from withdrawals so much so that he almost lost his job for blowing up with a customer. Mathias wasn't also free of Niels' bad mood either. If Mathias wanted sex, then Mathias would only have it quick and fast.
Breaking down, Niels text Gilbert asking to meet up. On pay day, Niels had foolishly used most of his money on a couch and stand for the t.v. During the first few days, Niels honestly thought that he could beat his addiction, so he hadn't thought about saving a little bit for his drug. Now, he needed to sell himself for cash and that made him feel even more irritable. Niels honestly really didn't want to cheat on Mathias, but to him, he had no choice.
xxx
Mathias had noticed how Niels had slowly gotten more and more irritable. It was weird, but he supposed things were getting bad at work or something and so it made his lover nervous and tensed. Sometimes, he would try to sooth things down with massages or slow sex, but never would he allow him more than ten minutes. He was beginning to think that maybe their night on the beach hadn't been that perfect…
The Dane was sat on their new couch while watching a movie into their new placed living room while Niels was in the shower. The Norwegian's phone was lying discarded on the kitchen's counter when it vibrated. Normally, Niels was quick on his feet to go read his texts, but he had forgotten to bring it into the bathroom for a change. Normally, Mathias wasn't paying it attention, but it vibrated several times.
And he was a curious bastard.
Caustiously, he pushed himself up off the couch and sneaked to the kitchen, making sure he could still hear the shower flowing. He grabbed his boyfriend's phone and flipped it open to see three new messages.
'At my place as usual?'
'Oh, what about that bar or yours?'
'I'll bring you good stuff'
From a certain Gilbert. Gilbert… he had never heard of that guy before. He was surprised to see it wasn't Thomas since he would normally only hear about this guy.
Frowning, he felt like going back to see some older texts, but hearing the shower end, he rapidly put the phone back down, biting his lip.
xxx
Toweling his hair, Niels exited and searched for his phone, flipping it open before reading the three texts. His heart hammered loudly once he read what was offered. It wasn't uncommon when Gilbert offered him free drugs, but they always came with a price from Niels' end. Maybe he would be forced to wear a skirt or dress. Even though the German was offering to go somewhere public, Niels wasn't completely turned off by the possible dress code. At this point, Niels was willing to do anything for cocaine, anything to get rid of his raging headache.
Typing back, 'Sounds good.' It didn't cross Niels' mind that he was violating one of his rules with Gilbert. Never in Niels' past did he take one of his clients to places he frequented on his normal off time. "I'm going out tonight with Thomas." Niels said blandly before gathering his things for work.
xxx
Mathias was fighting the urge to ask who was that Gilbert he was texting with. Maybe only one of that Thomas' friends he was having fun with at the bar after work. Maybe it was only that. Maybe… but the fact he had clearly read about the man's proposal to go to Niels' bar, and that he would bring good stuff was running into Mathias' brain like a mouse in its wheel. Why didn't he mention that guy? Uh? Was he really going to the bar with Thomas? Was he only getting to that bar with Thomas in the first place? Every other night? Or was it always that Gilbert he didn't know about?
"Have fun babe," he only said from his spot on the couch when Niels left for work.
Ok. He was paranoing. Maybe it was nothing, nothing at all, he was probably going mad for nothing. Mathias was trying to convince himself it was nothing, but he couldn't. He had believe Niels when he had been telling him he only went to that bar with Thomas to have a good time and untense from his working day, but he was beginning to have doubts. What was happening into his lover's life at the moment for he would look so nervous and jumpy?
No… no he wouldn't go check… He trusted his lover. Maybe.
Gilbert had given Niels rendez-vous at the bar right after work. They had never seen outside of his house, and so, it was a bit weird he had to admit, but still. He had brought, for sure, little extras Niels would wear; dresses suited him so well. Damsel dressed that gave him the look of a young woman. He was no pedo like that weirdo of a Dutch man, no way. He only really liked women, and very feminine guys…
Oh, and he had brought some things Niels would adore and beg for.
xxx
While at work, Niels kept his head phones on loud, not pausing to talk to Thomas. All he could think about was his cocaine, and after the other days incident with the customer, Thomas took the hint to not antagonize Niels. But the silence made work drag on and on. So once his shift ended, his irritable mood was out and center. His body practically salivated at the idea of drugs that night.
So when he fled the workplace, Niels jogged all the way to the bus stop. Sure, if he got their quicker didn't mean that Gilbert would be there yet. But to his brain it made his whole body calm down. Not once did Niels think about Mathias, instead his body shivered and twitched urgently wanting to see the albino and his goods. When he arrived at the bar, Niels was surprised to see Gilbert waiting outside with several bags in his hands.
Just like suspected, Gilbert wanted him to dress up and fulfill the man's dirty dreams. Niels was starting to sweat as he approached Gilbert. "I really do hope it is high quality stuff." he stated coolly before taking the bag that was outstretched to him.
Taking a peek inside, Niels frowned. There were enough frills inside to choke a horse but that's not what caused Niels' displeasure. Taking out the offending item and gritted his teeth, "I'm not putting on any makeup." he tossed the kit into a nearby trash can before walking inside and straight to the bathroom.
Stripping down Niels had to struggle in figuring out the furly dress. Once it was on, Niels wanted to pull it down more. Nothing like wearing a dress that barely covered his ass. Due to wearing boxers, Niels had no choice but to wear the supplied lacy underwear. Looking the mirror, Niels bristled seeing a person that resembled a flat chested girl. It didn't help that there was now a hair clip in his hair. Stuffing his other clothes into his bag, Niels exited.
xxx
When Niels stepped out of the bathroom, Gilbert whistled half surprised at how gorgeous he could look in a dress, "Ye should wear that more often," he joked, making sign for the man to approach. They sat, not at the bar but on a table in the far back. The German knew this place just like Niels did, though, what the Norwegian didn't know was that this place was well known to be used for drug dealing, sex services exchanges and drug consummation. As long as no one was disturbed and that no one noticed, it was alright.
And so, they took place on a table in the far corner of the place and the albino ordered them beer, many beers. And they drank. Oh, Niels was waiting for the drug and drug he would have after a couple of beers. Gilbert loved to play with the Norwegian's nerves, especially since he just knew how much he was addicted to that stuff. Cocaine, unlike many drugs, didn't cause a physical addiction but a mental one that only make the person feel like they needed it physically.
Niels already looked wasted before even taking one snort. He looked exhausted from the wait and very nervous, just like he was about to die or something. And so, while there wasn't many people, Gilbert took out a little bag of coke and made them each one straight line they snorted.
xxx
Instantly feeling the substance flood his system, Niels felt his headache fade and his mood turn from bad for the better. All of his woes seem to disappear at once. Shrugging his shoulders back and working the kink out of his neck, Niels was ready to do his job with Gilbert. Scooting closer, Niels ran his hand up Gilbert's thigh. "Thank you." he whispered huskily. He knew that his night out with Gilbert would not end anytime soon, that wasn't ever the German's plan. "So what's on the agenda?"
He could feel the cool air on his bottom as he leaned over to the man. It made him shiver knowing that he was in such a dress. But over all, Niels felt good.
xxx
For a moment, Gilbert looked at Niels from the lowest he could see to his lips and already drugged looking eyes and gave him a cocky grin; oh yeah, this was the kind of guy he didn't mind fucking. His soft voice fitted perfectly with his look now. Scoothing even closer, Gilbert tried to kiss the man who backed up. Oh yeah, he had already warned him in the past that he would never let him access his lips. Some prostitutes rules he supposed since every single whore he had hired had fled the same way. Though, he had plans for that, but not for now.
And avoiding him like this had grew him blushed cheek, which was giving him a more than adorable look.
The German gently brushed his fingers on the Norwegian's tightly clothed chest until his nipples were showing through the dress' fabric. Leaning over the man's shoulder, he whispered, "Since we can't do much here, why don't we simply enjoy ourselves in the most common way?" he asked vaguely as he slipped one hand under the bottom of Niels' dress to stroke his legs and thigh all the way up to his very sexily clothed ass and slip fingers under the feminine underwear. Gilbert took his beer bottle and took a sloppy mouthful before gently pressing the rim against the Norwegian' pink lips and let him sip on it.
xxx
Niels sensually flicked his tongue out over the rim of Gilbert's beer before allowing the man to tip the bottle so it poured into his mouth. He eagerly drank all of its contents before standing up and dragging Gilbert with him. "So you want to do normal things huh? Why don't we go ask that dj for some louder music." Niels said smoothly. After all, his body was loving the touches that Gilbert had started. That man sure knew his way around a person's body, and Niels didn't exactly feel up to being hard in a dress just yet. If he was going to, he would be wasted so he couldn't remember.
Walking across the floor he requested the music change. Niels felt slightly self conscious about the outfit, he knew that if he were to bend even the slightest over, his ass would be showing. It wasn't that Niels was shy, it was more of the fact this was a place he came to constantly. He liked it here, and now that he was doing this with Gilbert, he knew that he would have to pick a new spot. There was no doubt Mathias could never come back here again. The bar keeper knew him, a few regulars knew him, and no doubt they would talk about it to him for days to come.
Returning to Gilbert he lead them to a slightly concealed placed and started a very drunken high dance to a speedy beat. It was amusing to dance with a man with beer in his hand. Between the two of them, they downed the beer before the song was over.
xxx
Alcohol was beginning to slow in their veins along with the coke's high effect, though, Gilbert was willing to have Niels just the way he had gotten him once while he was on his highest high the day he had come to him looking like a desperate puppy. While Niels wasn't looking, occupied to call the DJ for another good song, Gilbert fished in his pocket for a little plastic back containing little pills of ecstasy, took one and put it on the tip of his tongue. When Niels turned around, he knew what it was and God knew he wanted it again.
Gilbert hid it in his mouth when the other man tried to take it with him fingers and he shook the head, "Not like this," his hardly said, taking the tip of his tongue out, showing the melting pill that was already causing him some very pleasant shivers.
Mathias had decided half hearted to go take a look at Niels' bar, just to see if he were there with Thomas just as he had told he would. He wasn't proud of himself to not believe his boyfriend's words, but he was a bit scared…
xxx
The whole room was spinning. It was a good thing that Niels had Gilbert to lean into or he was sure that he would have collapsed to the floor. Even though they were still in the bar, he was wasted enough that he felt no shame in grinding up against Gilbert in a sexual manor. Nor did he slap away Gilbert's hands as they snaked up his legs and under his dress no doubt uncovering certain parts of his body to the rest of the bar. God that pill was what he needed to get into the beat and mood to do business with the man. But it was starting to wear off and he became aware of the dirty things they were doing.
"Mmm, Gilbert, let's go out into the ally and finish this." Niels said in a breathless and flirty manor. Gilbert seem to have been of the same mind, for the German clamped a hold of Niels' wrist and dragged them both out the door.
Feeling the cool night on his skin, Niels cursed his skimpy dress, but was eager to get out back. Turning the corner, they barely exited the sidewalk before they started touching each other once again.
xxx
Damn, he had never been on the verge of getting so exciting sex in his whole life. Oh well, maybe, but he didn't remember. And again, he would certainly not remember this time either. Being on alcohol, coke, ecstasy and other things they had taken into the bar, all their senses were maximized and every touch felt like their fingers had an infinite number of nerves electrifying each other.
The second they turned the ally, Gilbert lifted his partner against the brick wall, so happy the man was wearing a dress so they didn't have the problem of removing his pants. He rapidly pulled his panties down only to reveal completely his ass and have full access to it. He was already prepared, as usual. Even if it had gotten quite some time since Niels had been in the bathroom preparing himself, making sure he was alright by passing his fingers inside his ass and still feeling the lube on his tight walls, he knew he could go on.
He didn't bother putting a condom this time. Well, he was pretty sure that man was clean, for unknown reasons… not that he was certain he was, but damn it, his mind was so off he didn't even had the idea of putting one.
Gilbert knew just how impatient Niels normally was, and didn't mind skipping the foreplay. There, in the alley, there was no time for foreplay. And no will.
So, Gilbert simply undid his pants to let his eager erection peek out and penetrated Niels right away, letting him slip down on his shaft with both letting out a whispered moan.
xxx
Niels was also too out of it to notice that there was a lacking condom between them. Hell, this situation had happened to Niels before many times. It simply felt too good to care, even though the brick wall was biting into his exposed shoulders. "Fuck..." Niels cried out as he felt Gilbert started a rapid, rough pace. Gripping the man's silver hair, Niels couldn't help but let his moans out. Everything just felt so wonderful and he just wanted to touch everything. So he did gripping and touching the fabric of Gilbert's shirt which the texture greatly amused Niels.
On one of his bypasses, Niels could feel the distinct imprint of a pill. Taking it out he recognized the ecstasy pill, of course it was the only one left. In the same manner Gilbert did earlier, Niels slipped it onto his own tongue, feeling it beginning to dissolve quickly. Leaning forward, he melded his lips to Gilbert's swirling his tongue with the German's to it dissolved between both of their tongues. Already, he felt the wonderful feeling flood his system and his cock was weeping in a painful pleasure. Keeping his lips sealed and his tongue dancing with Gilbert's Niels began to stroke himself quickly.
xxx
His heart stopped. He hadn't thought it was him at first; dressed like this, in a dress with a guy he didn't know… but yes, it was him. He had only passed right next to the alley, aiming for the bar. He hadn't even made a step into the place before he heard the distinct sound of two persons having a really great time, and he had only been curious. Grinning with a slight mocking frown, he had peeked into the alley to see a couple having sex there, an albino man and a girl in a dre-… but it wasn't a girl. The idea made him giggle until he recognised Niels in the dress, and Niels into the stranger's arms and Niels being roughly kissed and penetrated by another man.
He felt sick.
His vision blurred and became bloody red. He felt like he had never been so furious, so angry, so enraged in his whole life. His babe, his Niels was there, not only into another man's arms, not only kissing another man, but actually having sex in an alley, outside like animals, wearing ridiculous clothes and…
On top of that, he had lied to him.
Rapidly, out of himself, he reached the albino, took him by the throat and blew a hard fist on his jaw, making him fall face on the ground and making Niels fall further down, breaking on his side. Mathias kicked on Gilbert, and kicked into his stomach and anything he could reach until the man rapidly got back on his feet, lucky to miss all the blinded kick of the Dane and ran away for his life. All along, Mathias had kept yelling him insanities, anything that could pass his lips without filter.
He stood for several seconds, yet several minutes there, back turned to Niels, panting his rage, his entire body shaking.
Turning around, he looked down at Niels. At him. The man he loved. The man he had confessed his love to, the man he had made love with, the man he had passed through the hardest ordeals with, the man he had tried to help the best he could… the man he loved. He was there, on the ground, in a dress with the skirt half up showing his fucked ass, fucked by a man who wasn't Mathias. He was drugged, it was obvious. Drugged his ass with anything he could have got a hand on, especially coke, he supposed. It was his drug of choice in the end.
"Ye haven't changed…" he said, disappointed, and turned back, "It's over," he simply said in a slow tone.
xxx
Not even with the fresh ecstasy in his system with the combination of coke and beer could it flush the cold dread Niels now felt as he watched Mathias walk away. His heart began to pound rapidly at the realization of what had just happened. Mathias was leaving him, utterly alone. Trying to jump to his feet, Niels only managed to make it to the opening of the ally before collapsing, feeling a pain in his ass and ankle. Niels had came down hard. "Mathias! Wait!" Niels called out, scared at hearing the only desperation in his voice. But what was there to wait for.. what was their to explain?
"I-I'm sorry... its just." Niels could honestly feel the sting of tears in his eyes, but he was so drunk and so high he couldn't articulate what he wanted to say. "Surely you must have known I was getting high..." That wasn't a good excuse, none of it was. "I needed it Mathias. I'm sorry, but I needed it to cope. How could I not be on this crap after my life and Eirik." God he was so pathetic begging and sitting in the grime of the ally way.
xxx
Even Mathias couldn't believe what he was doing. All these months had he wanted to leave Niels and just build his own life without all this stress around about him not coming back home on time, about him leaving for drugs and sex when they were in Norway, about everything. Only recently had they grown very close and that all of Mathias' fears had left.
"I had believed ye had stopped… for me," he said in an almost trembling voice, trying to stay detached. He sarcastically chuckled, "Fool of me to believe that."
Tears were unwillingly running on his cheeks at the painful words. He felt so hurt, so betrayed…
"D'ye even know how I feel, Niels? I actually believed ye loved me," he said, shaking. He turned around and brusquely gestured at the man still on the ground, "Look at yerself!" he shouted, "Ye're disgustin'! Ye make me sick! We passed such good moments together, I've been patient with ye, I waited for ye all along for ye to grow affectionate to me and eventually give me back some affection I also needed… I never forced anythin' on ye, I've been lovin' and carin' even if ye didn't allowed me a simple little kiss at first, and there, just now, ye were fuckin' with a guy I don't even know, for money and drugs again?"
He almost felt like kicking Niels and physically hurt him to show him how deeply hurt he was, but no, he would never do that, not sober.
"Ye can say ye're sorry as much as ye want, I don't care," he said, moving his hands on his ears, "I won't be around anymore to ear them… Do whatever ye want, fuck with anyone ye want, do as much drug as ye want, don't stop for me…" he said reluctantly. He didn't believe his own words, but he had to say them.
xxx
Niels knew it was done then and there. Mathias honestly didn't understand the situation with Niels and for once in his life he decided to voice it. Who cared now, the man would obviously be leaving, but at least Mathias would leave knowing he wasn't totally innocent in this matter. "You're such a clueless FUCKING moron. Were you really so blind to what I was to actually believe that you could just wave your magical fucking wand and all of a sudden I wouldn't be a coke addict?! You did nothing to help me get over this. No, instead you decided to stick your head in the sand as your own brother sold me cocaine, even when I was higher than a kite you didn't DO something about the situation. You were supposed to take care of me, and all you did was ignore the problems I had trying to believe that we lived in some super happy fairy world where everything was fine and good because we loved each other."
Niels sat there seething, tears streaming down his cheeks. Never had he said so many things at once so loudly and full of emotion. Returning to his much colder persona, Niels stood, leaning heavily on the wall. "Damn straight that I will go back to fucking who the hell I want and getting high when ever I want because it never changed. I wish you would have just left me the hell alone." He began limping towards the entrance of the bar so he could get his things and call a taxi home.
But before he did, Niels decided to leave one more insult to Mathias, "Do yourself a favor and pick a girl next time. Living threw your guilty conscience for 'sinning' was most annoying." Oh he was sure the Dane wanted to punch his lights out, but Niels didn't really care. All of a sudden, he felt hardened and cold.
xxx
Mathias had so many things to say, so many things to do, leaving no place for guilt. Instead, without a word, he simply turned around and left. His face was cold despite the tears still running on his cheeks. His heart was painful; it hurt so much to feel betrayed like this.
He loved Niels, but he wasn't so sure now. Even if he still loved him, he couldn't keep going like this with him.
Though, he wouldn't go back home. Instead, he aimed for another place, took the bus, and knocked at the door. A sleepy Anne opened him several knocks later and Mathias broke into uncontrollable whimpers and sobs in front of her, automatically gaining her sympathy. She knew about Niels and he for she had discovered it when going at his place some weeks ago, and she knew that it was over by how Mathias had came to her.
They went to the living room and she tried to comfort him. They didn't speak; simply sat there with the Dane in her arms for many hours, until Mathias looked at her and kissed her. They kissed. It wasn't an arousing kiss, neither a good one, simply a desperate one. The man let go and simply gave in his desire he had kept down during the months he had been with the Norwegian. For him, he had done that.
Eventually, the kiss leaded them to the bedroom where they made love. It was slow and caring, just like the sex Mathias and Niels had gotten for the first time after Eirik's death. All along, the Dane was trying to keep his tears up, trying to forget about the clenching of his heart and the deep pain and appreciate Anne below him, her soft and plump body he always loved.
But it felt so different, yet not even good anymore. His head was full of Niels, and even after, the woman couldn't stop herself from voicing it.
"Go back to him, Mathias," she gently said. But he couldn't. Not yet…
xxx
Niels didn't sleep that night. Instead he laid on a bed that smelled too much like Mathias, rethinking the past several months of his life. All of his mistakes whirled by and Niels bitterly thought about how he could chose differently and how that would have lead to Mathias still being here. But after his tears dried, his mind came to accept that Mathias wasn't coming back and he couldn't fix that mistake. However as he sat there alone on his bed with Mathias' pillow, inhaling his cologne, Niels' mind began to think cruelly.
Now that Mathias was gone, Niels felt he could go back to Norway and return the favor to Berwald. The main obstacle was the fact that now Mathias was gone he didn't have a car. Sure, all of his clothes were still there, but as fate had it, only the car was missing. No doubt Mathias had drove it that night to find Niels. He needed a car. There was only one other person left in his life, and they weren't exactly the most closest. Sure they were friends, but what Niels would asking went beyond friendship in his opinion.
Rolling over to try and sleep, Niels kept dreaming on how he was going to take a bat to Berwald's head. Some how, those twisted images made Niels' body feel good enough that he could sleep a few hours. When he woke, Niels felt like shit once again. Instead of sitting there weeping like a child, he decided to gather all of Mathias' clothes and personal things he could find and place them in garbage bags then tossing them outside by the door. Niels knew that Mathias would be back later that day while Niels was at work to collect his things. To Niels getting rid of his stuff was less of an eyesore. It also allowed him to start erasing Mathias from his life.
Leaving the apartment, Niels took the next bus to his job. He had plans to go out drinking with Thomas. In fact he wanted many strings of drinking with the man. But Niels realized he was pretty much broke, he needed to collect his money from Gilbert, whom no doubt was extremely pissed about the previous night. While in route to work, Niels typed up a long apology about how his deranged client attacked him last night and was willing to make it up to him any way he wanted. If Gilbert agreed to continue working with Niels then he could no doubt drink himself under the table without worrying much. Then again, he no longer had to pay for Mathias' food.
Walking into work, Niels tried to keep his face placid and not show the extreme haunting hurt that he had been wearing all day. Thomas, of course was already at the desk. "Want to go out drinking after work?" Even if Gilbert denied him his services or money, Thomas no doubt knew of someone else Niels could milk for money.
xxx
On the next day, Mathias awakened next to Anne. The picture was almost perfect; looking like a happy couple waking up into the sunlight enlaced into each other's arms. But the Dane was far from happy. Realising he wasn't next to Niels made his heart ache painfully and he turned on his other side to silently cry.
It was finished… He should be relieved; it was less of a pound to wear on his shoulders. And staying with a man who cheated him for money and drugs, he didn't want of this.
Eventually, his ex-girlfriend, later in the morning, requested to know why they had gotten there, how they had broken up, and Mathias explained her. Surprisingly, she didn't take his side, but rather Niels'. She didn't use harsh words to explain her point of view, the Dane didn't need them, but she told him that if he really loved him he would help him, willing or not, to get out of this all, however he could do it. That he would place him in a detoxification centre and help him out, that it was all he waited for and all he needed.
At first, Mathias denied his mistakes and simply put the blame of his cheater of an ex-boyfriend, but slowly realised how deep of a jerk he had been.
"But I have no money for that…" he said, taking his head between his hands.
Thomas looked up at Niels with a slight frown, "Was about time you pay attention to me," he said harshly, "It's been more than a week you've been missing; am I that terrifying?" he asked, shrugging. He puffed a short laughter, pulling his headphones off and turned to face the sitting man, "Yeah, why not," he said, unable not to notice the Norwegian's swollen eyes and lips, proof he had been crying hours ago. Probably for hours.
"Need money, uh?" he asked, backing on his chair.
xxx
Niels in the first time all week laughed at the statement of Thomas scaring him. Didn't the man realize that he was a towering giant even in Denmark? But that light mirth dissipated quickly as it came and his heart resettled back into the pit of his stomach. "Due to recent development, I'm actually up a couple hundred kroner. Though Gilbert owes me money." he explained mildly. Talking with Thomas helped him get his mind off of Mathias, yet.. Talking about Gilbert made his stomach twist. Swiveling in his chair, Niels concealed his pained expression from his co-worker.
"By the way can we go to another bar." he requested smoothly.
xxx
Thomas shrugged, not caring. Though, he grinned, guessing why, "He made you do weird stuff at the bar, uh?" he guessed. Gilbert was such a weird lad. Straight and claiming to be straight but fucking around feminine males just to have a good conscience. Yeah right… Though, the Dutch was not really better in the end with Antonio. At least, he didn't sleep with him.
"Ya, well, wherever you want," he said, turning around on his chair to face his computer before turning the head back again to face Niels. He gave him a long serious look and spoke, "Gilbert normally has good paying habits, what happened?" he asked, curious. He knew the German pretty well and when he used to sell him drugs, he was always right on time with his payments and even gave some extras sometimes.
xxx
For a moment Niels hesitated to say anything at all. After all, one of their rules was to keep their personal lives out of their cubicle. But honestly, Niels had no one to go to except his coworker. Not that he wanted to sit there and cry on his shoulder, it just felt a tad better to get things off his mind. Maybe.
"To keep it short, I got caught and Gilbert got messed up a little bit." Honestly, Niels had been so trashed last night, he wasn't sure if Gilbert had been pummeled badly or not. But there was a slight sting in his right ankle that told him that Mathias had not been exactly gentle when finding the two of them. "Also I'm new here remember, you pick." Niels said curtly.
God he wished someone would call. Talking about the matter didn't help and he was sure that Thomas was about to give him a bunch of snide asshole-ish remarks. Of course, the day Niels needed a distraction was the day no one had problems with the merchandise.
xxx
Thomas couldn't help but slightly laugh at his co-worker's words. It was obvious it would happen someday, the Dane wasn't that stupid, was he?
"You asked for it," he simply said, returning to face Niels, "You don't think you could have lived like this with him never knowing? Oh, anyway, it's none of my business," he finally said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms. He despised people like Niels, sincerely. Irresponsible people, that's what they were. Thomas had no one to take care of and no one took care of him, so he could do whatever he wanted, but his co-worked had someone home to take care of who also took care of him, "For him, I hope he left you," he finally said with a mocking grin, "Otherwise, he's the idiot."
Thomas wasn't saying these words to hurt Niels, he was simply voicing his opinion. He was a rude person and people around that weren't used to it always ended up wounded by his harsh words.
"Well, I know a calm place somewhere in town where you can drink your ass off of your heart break," he said, mocking.
xxx
Niels flinched when he heard those words, but he knew that they were the truth. What had Niels thought? Well he guessed that the plan had been to keep this act up until Mathias found a job then use honest income to get his drugs. But Mathias never did find a job, so Niels kept using Gilbert. Either case it showed how fucked up he was. But keeping an even face Niels returned his reply. "Honestly I can't agree even more." Niels should have just said no to Mathias and never agreed to anything. But at the time Niels wanted any way out of his debt that he agreed to Mathias' plan without thinking about the consequences.
Their first night on the beach had been the right decision and Niels should have never faltered from it. "Some one like me should have never dated. It's for the best that he's gone." Niels concluded simply but inside he felt sick and truly alone. Why couldn't Niels make any good decisions?
xxx
Niels was taking Thomas' words a tad too seriously for his like, "Hey, no hard feelings," he said, "Never said you should never have a date, boy, just saying that you didn't handled it like a responsible person, that's all. Whatever," he finally said. God, was he being empathic all of a sudden? No way. The Norwegian only deserved what was happening to him… though, knowing a bit the man, he simply felt like he couldn't live alone; this very man needed someone to guide him. Thomas needed no one and no one needed him, that was perfect with him, but he knew Niels needed a guide and that he needed to get out of this hell, but the Dutch wouldn't be that guide person. Mathias was probably the one for him, and sincerely, Niels should have treated him with more respect.
Before they could continue on their little co-working speaking session, Thomas' phone rang and he took the call. At this moment, they both went working until they were finished in the night and went out for a bar Thomas knew Niels wouldn't have problems with. It was in the gay town.
"I know it because of Antonio," he defended himself while they got in. Many guys were eying Thomas and he only felt the more embarrassed to be around like this. Not that he was good looking or something… well, yes he was, but he was gigantic and manly compared to all those sassy boys around, especially next to Niels. And damn it, he was almost passing for his boyfriend like this…
Why didn't he realise this before? As obvious Thomas could be with other people's life, his own life was out of his reach sometimes.
xxx
Niels had been surprised by the bar Thomas had picked out. The man claimed to be straight yet he took him here. Maybe the man thought that possibly Niels would feel better if he got laid or something from on the many gays in the bar. Yet Niels felt no urge to even look at the people around him. All he wanted was to drink until he could no longer think. So taking the first hard liquor shot, Niels smacked his lips as he felt it burn all the way down.
This was the best remedy ever. Well... next to cocaine, and he doubt that Thomas had any on him. The best he would possibly see that night was either pot or alcohol, the later he considered to be the teenager's drug.
Ordering another shot, Niels began to let his mind wander. The music was overly loud and had a soothing feel to it. Sliding his eyes shut he forgot that Thomas was even there. But as soon as his mind began to wander over to Eirik Niels opened his eyes and tipped his head back swallowing his shot.
"So why here?" Niels asked simply.
xxx
Thomas didn't like Niels' questions, especially when it turned around a subject he really disliked to speak about.
"'cause," he simply replied, harshly, "It's the only place I could think about that you would be safe coming," he said half truthfully, "Shut up and drink," he finally said, sipping on his beer. He certainly wouldn't get drunk that night. Not that he didn't want to, but it was Niels' night. It was his back to single life night and certainly Thomas would be the one taking him back home. Not that he cared, far from that, but well, he wouldn't just let him hang around here…
Anyway. Thomas leaned on the counter, staring at his mug and finally looked at his co-worker drinking like he had never drank. He had a bit of pity for the man to be honest, but he wouldn't admit it. Anyway, it wasn't pity Niels' needed, but the Dutch wasn't willing to give him anything else.
xxx
Niels nodded and did as he was told. Thomas was right, alcohol was the only remedy he really needed. So he drank and drank, quickly feeling the warm and fuzzy feeling spread to all of his limbs. But mentally it was beginning to have an reverse effect. No matter what he did, Niels couldn't stop thinking about Mathias and Eirik. Mathias had really been the only thing that had stopped Niels from getting back at Berwald and now he was gone. Knowing that he was sitting their moping over some Dane that didn't truly understand Niels and.. whatever problems had made Niels sick. He should be thinking of a way to get back to Norway and get revenge for Eirik.
Slamming his shot glass down loudly, Niels looked darkly at the barmen. He was drunk, Niels could feel it. Never had Niels done anything violent while drunk, he was usually warmer and more open when drunk, but now he felt cold and hard. "You know it's funny. I'm sitting her bemoaning about Mathias, yet I shouldn't be." oh he was sure that Thomas thought that meant he realized his mistakes, but that wasn't what he was talking about. "God my priorities have really been fucked up." he muttered before taking another drink and swallowing it in its entirety. "Did I ever tell you why I'm in Denmark, Thomas?"
xxx
Seeing Niels so drunk was a real entertainment for Thomas. He didn't know why, but it was even more at the moment. As long as he didn't get violent with him, no blood would be shed. Not that Niels would hurt the Dutch, there was no way that would happen.
And yet, yes, he believed the man was getting ahold of his mistakes and understanding them. He did remember one time he had asked Niels what he would do if he were to lose Mathias, and the slightly drunken man had replied that he would kill someone. Though, never he thought these words were the truth and that he had ever really thought about killing someone. Words were words and they weren't serious for Thomas.
"I don't remember you did," he said, sipping on his third beer, "So, what brought your great Norwegian self here in Denmark, outside of your Danish ex-boyfriend, though, I believe you met him here."
xxx
Letting out a cold laugh, Niels said rather nastily, "No I met Mathias in Norway. It was his idea to come here. Don't blame him and I really didn't have much of a choice." Before he could continue, Niels waved over the barkeeper this time ordering a beer knowing that Niels was sufficiently drunk enough to drink weaker alcohol. "I had a younger brother who was in high school. I was doing my 'job' for him. Not that he ever knew. I don't think he ever realized that when I came home I wasn't just drunk. He was sheltered despite living with me. But either case, I got into debt with my drug dealer. At first, I only owed him a few kroner and he doubled the amount no matter how close I was. He was selling me poor quality shit that only costs a couple hundred kroner per bag. By the end of the week I was paying 6000 kroner for one bag."
Niels hand shook as he brought his mug to his lips. Oh, he knew that Thomas would especially have zero sympathy here. The man understood the drug business better than Niels ever would. But he wasn't asking for it anyways, it was just a minor detail in his tale. "You see, Berwald, the man who sold me the drugs had been my room mate for the first year I was away at college before I ever allowed Eirik to come live with me. We were friends and lovers. In fact, it was Berwald that came up with the idea that I make a quick couple hundred kroners off the street. I tried it, did it a few times, but you know it's pretty hard to do that shit sober. So he had me try cocaine and I used to so I could cope with the side job. I mean it was for Eirik, so he could live comfortably. I kept on Berwald as my drug supplier after he graduated and I got a new apartment. I thought I could trust him."
He paused and thought about how those words were indeed so foolish. I mean Berwald was silent and he was always so helpful when they lived together. Overall, he believed Berwald was a good guy that like Niels wanted extra kroner in his pockets. "To say the least, I didn't pay off my debt. During this time Mathias had convinced me to let him help me and if I did I would date him. No matter how hard him and I worked we didn't make deadline. I was only two maybe three hundred kroner short and how did he repay our friendship? I expected him to take it out on me and I was fine with it. I admit that I deserved it but..." Niels clenched his teeth. "When I went out went out with Mathias Berwald took the opportunity to send me a message and he sent a man to brutally kill my brother."
Gulping down the last of his beer Niels added, "That's why I'm here, because I had nothing left and Mathias was scared I would die or something. I don't even know. All I know is I wish I would have stayed and took a bat to Berwald's head. That's what the cops said killed Eirik, a blunt blow to the head by a bat."
xxx
Thomas listened to Niels' story silently, not even daring to raise his mug to his lips. He had a serious, yet angry frown stamped on the face. Would he believe that? Yes, because he knew stories like these, and he had lived things like these too. Though, unlike Berwald, he would only drop his own bad payers the second he knew they weren't faithful or go give them a good lesson himself, in person. Never would he harm someone completely innocent.
"Why didn't you do it?" he asked, though, the answer was very obvious; his boyfriend had dragged him in Denmark before he had the chance to make that Berwald pay for his brother's death. Thomas' own brother had been beaten several times by his clients for paybacks or shits like that, his innocent brother, and this was one of the many reasons he had left the Netherlands, along with so many other problems he had gotten back then.
So, he understood. There, he could almost sympathise with Niels.
"What are you planning to do?" he simply asked, keeping his eyes on his almost empty mug he hadn't touched the entire time Niels was speaking.
xxx
"I didn't do it because I was so upset by his death I couldn't even think. Mathias played the whole white knight role and swooped down and 'saved' me." he waved for yet another beer while he thought on what he honestly wanted to do. Did he really want to kill Berwald? That was a given.
"I don't have a car, or I would drive up to Norway and take a bat to Berwald's head just like he did to Eirik." he stated flatly. Niels then laughed darkly. "Did you know that Norway's laws are quite fucked up. I bet even if I got caught with the murder I would only serve a sentence of five to ten years. I would be out and still be moderately young." He let out another set of laughter, not because the punishment he would receive would be light, but because the punishment for selling drugs was much more higher. "Either case after I killed him I would flee to Sweden then make my way back here. I guess."
xxx
This time again, Thomas couldn't help but not really take Niels seriously. Mocking, he said dramatically, "And I could bring you tomorrow so you can end this guy and live happy ever after." He didn't believe his words; he would never take Niels to Norway unless it was to get rid of his gay presence. He didn't dislike the male, far from that, but if he were to return to his country, he would be the first one to stand and take him back. Not by charity, not in the name of their friendship, just because.
"This plan is bullshit," he ended up saying, taking a last mouthful of his drink and asking for another one, slightly chuckling, "I know it's sad you're bro is dead, but again, you asked for it," he said and automatically wanted to remove his words.
xxx
Angrily, Niels stood and gave Thomas a dark look. He could take a lot of the things Thomas spat at him, but his brother's death, he could not. "You're just chicken shit because you're afraid of being arrested by association." he felt the whole world whirl around him. God he wanted to punch Thomas, but he knew that Thomas hadn't even drank. The chances of Niels landing a blow were low.
"Good god, go away Thomas. You're not any help." he finally settled for before returning to his stool. Niels hated to admit that it was his fault his own brother was dead because of him. Thomas didn't need to remind him. The Dutch didn't understand him in any way. Everything had to be so damn black and white to him and it made Niels sick.
Seeing that Thomas hadn't moved to leave, Niels said in a very strained voice. "Okay if my idea is such crap, what's yours. What would you do if you were scum like me?"
xxx
"Oh, don't misunderstand me," Thomas began in a low voice drinking on his mug, "Something similar happened to me, but I left before they killed my brother. But personally, I don't have that kind of problem; I don't have anyone to take care of." He couldn't remove the words he had said Niels, though, he could still go on that way to pump him.
"You know what," he said, turning on his stool to face the man and give him a dead serious look, "Do it, I dare you to do it. If you have the balls to do it, go back in Norway and kill that guy. I'll take you there," he said, grabbing his beer to down it. He couldn't believe he actually said he would take him in Norway, but Thomas was a man of words and he would do it.
Though, maybe it was the many beers he had drunken that were speaking for him too.
"If you think that avenging your brother's death is the remedy to your depression, then go ahead…"
xxx
To say the least, Niels was surprised by the offer. But not a moment past before he said seriously, "I'll hold you to your word." Though in the back of his mind, Niels wondered if he really did have the guts to kill Berwald. His body said yes and twitched at the thought of taking a bat and spattering Berwald's brains all over his apartment so his loved ones would find him. "We'll leave on our weekend." That gave Niels enough time to bug Gilbert for his money so he could get enough cocaine to keep him high all the way to Norway and back.
There was no doubt Niels would need crutch if he was going to kill Berwald. He wasn't a cold killer, no matter how much he wished he was. Eirik deserved to have things written right and Niels would revenge him. The rest of the night, they remained drinking, there really wasn't much said between them. When they headed home, Thomas made sure that Niels made it to the right bus stop to home. No doubt Niels was pretty trashed and would have been lost in Copenhagen if Thomas hadn't.
That night, Niels slept with a smile on his face, snuggled into Mathias' pillow.
xxx
Mathias hadn't passed home yet. He had stayed at Anne's all along, wondering on what to do. She sure didn't really know yet that his parents had disowned him and that he couldn't try to beg them to help him and his lover out, and thus, he needed to find a solution to get money to pay a detoxification to Niels… if it were what he would do.
This whole situation was terrifying.
He had been the worst jerk the Earth had ever made… he had given up on Niels, his lover, the man he loved because he had problems he could comprehend. But Anne was right; if he loved him, he would help him even if Niels didn't want.
Thus, he searched around town for a job, once again. His ex-girlfriend was alright for him to stay at her place for the time he would try to help the Norwegian. Mathias was ready to go back to him even if the man didn't want of him anymore.
And so, he found a renovation job in an office building. It didn't pay much, but enough for he could keep the money and find something else during that time. He looked around the net too, since Anne had a laptop and internet on it, to find good detoxification houses around. He felt bad though to force the man on it, but the woman kept telling it was the right thing to do, that Niels would certainly not go for it by himself and that he only needed this kick in the ass to go.
On their weekend, Thomas went to take Niels at his apartment. They had planed to go to Gilbert's right before heading to Norway so Niels would get the money he deserved for the services he had given the German.
xxx
Niels felt a bit queasy as he tossed his duffel bag in the back of Thomas' car. The idea of murder was beginning to sound less glorious as the hours ticked by. But a certain hate kept him going, even though when sober Niels wasn't so sure if he was doing the right thing. Niels decided to keep it to himself, for if Thomas so much as got a wiff of his doubt he would call the whole thing off.
They silently rode to Gilbert's without speaking. Niels kept his eyes trained on the outside world trying to keep himself calm. When they finally arrived at the German's house, Gilbert put up quite the fight on handing any money over to Niels for the whole ordeal had ended in a sham. Not to mention Gilbert had a shiner and a busted lip. But Thomas was intimidating on normal days, and it didn't take long to get Gilbert to agree on giving Niels some cash and threw in some drugs, which Niels took greedily.
Hopping back in car, Niels snorted up before Thomas drove the car over the bridge and into Sweden. His only smart ass remark was, "What did you think I would actually do this sober?" It hadn't been part of the deal and there were no check points between Denmark and Sweden. Niels already planned to have all this gone before Norway, but even then the check point was rather light and easy to smuggle anything.
xxx
Thomas wasn't going in Norway with Niels to help him in the literal meaning of helping; in fact, he was just giving him a lift there and if things were alright, he would take him back, but nothing more. He didn't plan on taking a bat and go beat the crap out of that Berwald with him. He wasn't that kind of guy. Sure, the man had killed his co-worker's brother, but he didn't have anything to do with him.
And anyway, it was certainly what Niels was expecting of him.
Niels kept himself high during most of their way to Oslo. Thomas had never gone in Norway and it was both a high trip to help someone killing another someone and a little trip up in the Northern Europe he was doing. He wasn't nervous. He was pretty calm despite the fact he knew that if the Norwegian was getting caught by the law in his country, Thomas could be accused of complicity, but for the moment, he didn't care.
Mathias worked for a couple for day until he realised that it was taking way too long to get the money; by this time, maybe Niels had moved out, left the country, maybe? Ok, only two or three days had passed since that night in the alley, but still, he was scared something might have happened to him.
The Dane received some decent pay, but it wasn't enough to pay the detoxification. He needed at least the double to have Niels stay there long enough for the addiction he had, which was a big strong one. Speaking with Anne, he happened to tell her his parents had disowned him, but she didn't believe it. She knew his parents, and she could tell that his mother would never do that.
Arguing during several hours, she convinced the Dane to go see his mother while his father wasn't around, so, during the day, to get her to give him money to help Niels.
Which he did.
He was nervous. He didn't know what would happen, and the second the door opened after he knocked, his mother stood in front of him for several second before melting into tears and pull her biggest son into her arms, saying 'my baby, Mathias my baby… you're back'. The older son felt destroyed by this. He felt like curling down and crying, though, despite the deep depression he was trying to pass through, he stayed still and strong and simply tried to convince his mother to hand him money to help his lover.
She didn't hesitate and took some of her own economy to give it to her son. They kissed goodbye and Mathias left, feeling upside down and very edgy.
Though, he had it. He had the money.
He first had the idea to go see Niels and tell him he had the money to help him, though, he listened to Anne and went directly into the detoxification centre to have the Norwegian registered there, without his consent. He needed some papers, which he had taken the day before while Niels was at work. It had been hard going back to the apartment, knowing they weren't together anymore, but he had managed to get some of Niels' papers to have his registration completed.
And he went back to the apartment, knowing the man should be there since it was his weekend off. But he wasn't. And so, Mathias decided to wait for Niels, wherever he was. He certainly wasn't far since his stuff was still there, the remaining of his morning breakfast still lying on the counter.
xxx
When Thomas dropped him off in front of Berwald's apartment, Niels wasn't entirely surprised when the Dutch drove off, saying to call him when he was finished. There was a very underlining tone that whatever went on inside decided if Thomas helped Niels back to Denmark or not. But, he found himself not really caring if he went to jail or not. In his opinion his life more or less ended the moment Mathias broke it off with him. He was now stuck in a downward spiral that would end badly.
Taking his bag, that had a bat handle sticking out of it, Niels began to climb the stairs. Each step felt heavy, and his heart was beating quickly. Despite him being high, Niels was nervous, paranoid, and over all felt like he was on a bad trip. But he knew it wasn't the case, Niels simply felt nervous about what was about to go on. It didn't help that the flights of stairs felt like the longest trip he ever took. His mind zipped to thought to thought assuring himself he was making the right decision.
When he reached Berwald's door, he stood there for a moment. Niels could hear the t.v inside and another man's voice that didn't belong to Berwald. That was right... Berwald was married. A twisted smile broke upon his face when he thought about beating Berwald's husband right in front of his eyes unable to do anything. Placing his bag on the floor, Niels slipped out his bat and knocked. He would swing and disarm Berwald as soon as he opened that door.
xxx
It took a certain moment before the door opened, showing a mid height blond male holding a sleeping baby in his arms. He looked a tad surprised when he saw the Norwegian. Someone he didn't know. It was probably for Berwald.
"Yes?" he asked, unsure. He rapidly looked the man in front of him… who handed a bat. He returned to look directly in his eyes while the Swede showed up at the end of the hall far behind his husband and stared at Niels, silent, almost pleading him not to do anything. He didn't quite understand what was happening to be honest since, for him, the man he had sent to beat the crap out of Niels had done his job correctly and… well, was supposed to harm Niels and not Eirik. He didn't know about Eirik's death, though, he had noticed the Norwegian had gone missing for months.
Why was he there all of a sudden? Revenge for being beaten by coming and beat his family?
They all stood silent and nervous.
xxx
Seeing the baby made Niels freeze. But only for a moment. As soon as he saw Berwald standing near by all logic slipped out of Niels' mind. Swinging the bat, he hit this unknown man in the knee caps, felling him in one fowl swoop with deafening crack. Niels watched him collapse, clutching the baby to his chest, screaming out something before Niels stepped over him and charged at Berwald. The bigger man went to rip Niels bat, but unluckily for him, Niels connected with his forearm. As soon as Berwald gripped his wounded arm, Niels took the opportunity to swing for the man's stomach bringing him down.
And the sound that came out of Niels' throat sounded like an animal more than a human. With rapid successions Niels smacked Berwald's body. But, Niels didn't swing anywhere near the man's head. Lifting the bat well above his head he aimed for Berwald's head, but he froze. In background he could hear the baby wailing and the sound of the man at the door whimpering. He could do it, Niels could kill Berwald.
Keeping his arms raised high, Niels bellowed loudly, "How can you even try to have a family? Huh! You sell coke and send out thugs to kill people's family members and you sit here with a fucking family." his voice wavered, his voice returning to its deadly and cold nature. "You knew me, you knew that my brother had nothing to do with us."
Eyes scanning the living room, Niels noted how things looked like a normal upper middle class house. It was clean, it smelt good, nothing like he imagined. Feeling sick it dawned on Niels that Berwald's family didn't know what it was that their provider did. They were innocent just like Eirik had been. Looking over his shoulder he could see the innocent man gripping at one of his legs that had a sickening bend in its shin before returning to Berwald who was struggling to move and sit up. "I swear to god Berwald I will splatter your brains in front of your husband if you move an inch." Niels hissed in a deadly tone.
xxx
Berwald had never wanted this to happen, he had never wanted Tino to know about this all.
"Berwald…" the other man whimpered, trying not to move despite the big discomfort of his leg. He rocked his baby in one arm, trying to sooth him down and to stop his crying, "Shh… Peter… shhh…" he whispered. He was scared and didn't understand who that man was. Selling coke?
No moving, Berwald sent a deadly glare up at Niels. He didn't understand, "What happened?" he asked, trying to keep Niels from harming anyone else by making him speak. If he spoke, he wouldn't try anything, he guessed. That was how he usually made his client calm down when they were trying to harm him, "What happened t'Eirik?"
For Niels would come he and try to kill the Swede, something really bad might have happened…
"I sent him t'beat ye, not yer brother…" he whispered, trying to speak low enough for Tino wouldn't hear.
"Berwald… who is he?" Tino asked, tears in eyes. He was scared… it wasn't every night that a man would come knock at their door with a baseball bat and try to kill them. For some seconds, the Swede looked at his lover and gave him a sorry look, eyes trembling behind his glasses before returning to stare at Niels.
xxx
The grip on the bat slackened. "Well you killed the wrong brother." Niels hissed. No, he wouldn't believe it was just a beating, the crime sight didn't look like just a beating. If it had been, then Eirik would have multiple bruises and bones broken like he was so sure that Berwald was experiencing.
Maliciously smiling, Niels raised his voice and spoke clearly to the man at the door while keeping a cold unfeeling look at Berwald. "Your husband makes good money selling drugs to unfortunate people like myself. He's cut throat, some of the shit he pulls not many drug dealers would." But towards the end, Niels' throat constricted. That crying baby was really getting on his nerves, making him second guess what he was doing.
It didn't help how Berwald stared desperately at his spouse, despite the multiple injuries he suffered. Trembling, Niels lowered his bat. Eirik wouldn't have wanted this. It was so clear to him that he was doing something that Eirik wouldn't have wanted. Swallowing thickly Niels said in a warning tone, "Call the cops and I will give them every number, every detail they will need to lock you up way longer than me. I swear I will, you wont see your kid grow up, when you get out he will be a full grown adult." Backing away cautiously, Niels stepped over the man with the child and grabbed his bag, slipping his bat back inside before booking it out of the apartment complex.
xxx
The second Niels left their apartment, Berwald rapidly crawled to embrace Tino in a protective way. No, he wouldn't call the cops, and after this, he would certainly have to stop everything. His husband sure wouldn't be proud of him and certainly, they marriage would be in danger, but his family was more important than everything. The drug dealing was an extra job that had given them a really good and comfortable life, a comfort he wanted to give his son.
But with Niels' sayings, that man he had sent to beat him ended up killing the younger brother. He felt bad for his former friend. Sure, he had grown really disliking him, hating him to the point he had paid someone to beat him, to give him a lesson… though, they were all humans and this had ended up killing his brother.
Thomas was wandering in town in his car, waiting for the Norwegian's car. To his surprise, he received a text some minutes later, telling him to come back searching him. Though, before he did, he sent him a text saying 'Is it sure?' before going. He didn't want to roll in cops and have to justify himself or anything. No. He had only come to take the man in and out of Oslo. Nothing more.
xxx
Niels quickly texted that he hadn't killed anyone and not to worry. Though waiting on the edge of the street Thomas had left him off at, he felt nervous. Niels would feel a whole lot better once over the border and in Sweden. Once in the car, Niels didn't mention how he had beat them, for he didn't want to give Thomas a reason to leave him on the side of the road. Instead he leaned against the window and ignored all of Thomas' question, wanting some sleep. But all he could manage to do was cry softly.
He really was an idiot and had done some of the worst atrocities in the world. Niels should not have came back to Norway, he should have stayed in Denmark and moved on, to accept that his brother was dead and gone. Now, sitting in a car with uncompassionate man, Niels tried to hide his tears as he finally accepted the truth. Eirik was gone and Niels could honestly really only blame no one. It was chance that he hadn't been at the apartment that day, for all he knew, Berwald could have been telling the truth and he hadn't meant to kill anybody. But it had all been brought on by his stupid decisions.
xxx
It took several hours again for them to get back in Copenhagen. They arrived in early morning, a little bit before the sun peeked over the horizon. Parking in front of Niels' apartment, Thomas woken him up by rocking his shoulder, "Hey, lazy head," he said in his low usual stern tone.
Before the man left the car, Thomas asked, "What are you going to do now?" Not that he cared, but he had no real clue of what he did in Norway, if it had changed something, if he would still hear him whine about his miserable life while being high and drunk.
In the apartment, Mathias was sleeping completely clothed in the bed, on the sheets. He had kept worrying all night long, wondering why Niels wasn't coming back, wondering if he had left or something… Though, he had finally gone out to get some beer and drunk until he felt asleep. He very often did that when he was nervous; both masturbating and drinking himself to sleep. If Niels would have been there, he would have thought that the Dane looked pathetic, jerking off with a beer in the hand and sobbing, lied on his side.
But there he was, sleeping, into what used to be their bed.
xxx
Niels stood for a moment with the car door open. He thought for a moment before saying seriously, "Try and get over it." That's all he could do. Niels couldn't think about getting better, but he could at least get over his mistakes. It was all that there was left in his eyes. Before swinging the door shut he added, "Thanks, I'll pay you back for the gas." Really, Thomas was a dick, but at least what he said was the truth.
Walking up the stairs Niels felt dead tired. Driving for a whole day straight should be a crime. Fumbling with his keys, he managed to open the door despite the fact that he couldn't coordinate to get the right key in the whole. Swinging the door open he dropped his things, not caring wear his stuff lay. Solemnly he walked over to Eirik's urn opening it up and pulling out the few empty bags of coke and tossing them in the trash. Niels had treated his brother's memory really poorly. He didn't know if he would quit doing drugs, and most likely at that moment Niels didn't feel it was in his future. But he would respect Eirik a little bit more. The first thing he would do was get that photo he left at Mathias parent's house. He didn't care if he had to break and enter.
That's when he heard the rustle of blankets and creak of his bed. Alert, Neils cautiously approached his bedroom, startled to see Mathias sleeping, with beer bottles strung throughout the bed and his bare ass in view. His heart twisted seeing him there. Why was he here? Shutting the door, Niels decided that he didn't want to deal with him just yet. Crawling onto the couch, Niels closed his eyes to go back asleep.
xxx
It was only several hours later that Mathias woken up, nervously inhaling as he had to analyse his surrounding to notice that yes, he was home, but no, it wasn't his home anymore while all the painful events came back to him. He hadn't fell asleep dead drunk like he usually would, but just enough so sleep had come alone to him.
Turning around, he had almost wished to find Niels lied there, next to him, but still found an empty spot. Did he come back during the night? Mathias was worried…
Standing, he pulled his pants back up and gathered his empty beer bottles to bring them in the kitchen, but when he stepped in, he couldn't unsee Niels sleeping on the couch. He heart stopped beating for several seconds. He didn't want to wake him up, and at the same time, it was the only thing he wanted. He wanted to know where he had been, what he had done, with who, what drug, when, where, how- bit it wasn't of his business anymore.
And dear God it was painful.
But he wanted to tell Niels about the detoxification centre… but he probably was tired… He wondered if he had been hurt by their break-up. Knowing him, he had probably been way too high to even care about him…
Why was he in love with such a person?
Though, he remembered his ex-girlfriend's words and silently sighed, trying not to make too much noise when he put the bottles on the counter and slowly walked to the living room to sit in front of the couch and wait for Niels to wake up. He tried to keep a welcoming attitude with a cocky smile and keep his friendliness, which was hard but he still managed to do well.
xxx
Stirring, Niels felt extremely at peace with himself in first time in probably years. He didn't understand why, but after beating the shit out of Berwald and coming to terms with what happened, Niels felt a big pressure missing. But it came back quickly as he felt his feet on another man's lap. Why was Mathias still here? Niels had taken the time to collect all of Mathias' things so he could pack it up in his car and go. Guiltily he figured that his parents didn't take him back and he had no where to go.
As much as it hurt to have Mathias beside him, Niels found himself unable to sit up and tell him to leave. Even though this was Denmark, Niels wasn't so sure if Mathias knew anyone he could live with. So that meant that Niels would have to still take care of him. Cracking one eyes open he noticed how he had a happy smile on his face. For a moment Niels got his hopes up, that Mathias was here to forgive him and things would go back to the way things were. But Niels remembered that Mathias generally had that stupid look on his face. It was one of the things that he loved about him, and Niels had to swallow back the ache it caused to remember that.
"What do you want?" he asked, the rawness in his voice was obvious.
xxx
Mathias had never been good with words and normally had problems dealing with how to reply to something if he hadn't thought about it before. Though, he had came a bit prepared, but being around Niels like that, the man he still loved despite the previous events, was really hard.
He kept his cocky face, looking down in front of him as he simply couldn't keep his hands for himself and kept stroking the Norwegian's legs.
"First, I understand if ye don't wanna talk to me, ye're not forced to," he said in a sigh and a short giggle, "I mean, I've been a jerk and I've acted blindly, believin' that things would eventually turn alright if I gave ye enough love… But I was wrong," he said, turning to look at Niels with a stupid sorry face.
"Second," he began, fishing in his back pocket to take a leaflet and handed it to the Norwegian, "I found a job and got enough money with help from my mom to send ye there; ye got all the information ye need on this." It was about the detoxification centre Mathias had registered Niels in the day before. "Ye're goin' tomorrow," he stated with a gentle cheeky smile, and before the man could retort with anything, he lifted one hand to stop him and continued, "And third, I love ye, and I'm willin' to help ye… No. I will help ye, whatever ye want or not. I called yer job; they are willin' to take ye back when ye're finished with the therapy. I didn't tell them what it was about, don't worry…"
Gently stroking the man's leg, he softly said, "Take as long as ye need there… relax and enjoy the stay. It's a good place."
He knew he would worry and miss the man, but it was for the best he would be away of Copenhagen, in a littler town in the North, away from everything in a very calm centre with people living problems like him. He would learn how to live normally with other people and get back on his feet, speak about his problems or only write them…
Thinking about this made the Dane's heart clench painfully.
xxx
Niels glared at Mathias with all that he had. "Let me get this straight. You break up with me, rip my heart out, then decide to help me?!" Sure, what Niels had done was infinetly worse, but he still hurt. Niels didn't understand why Mathias was here now trying to help him. To him it was a cruel joke and he wanted to get away from Mathias.
But if Niels had learned something it was that he had a problem. The stuborness in him wanted him to take care of himself on his own terms. That same pride and humiliation was rearing its ugly head like when Mathias offered to help him back in Norway. That hadn't ended well, so why should he trust Mathias now?
His eyes selfconciously glanced at Eirik's urn and he cracked. That right there was a good enough reason. He had went to Norway to kill a guy, even his drug addiction paled to that fact. Retracting his legs from Mathias, pulled his whole body close and cradled his head. In a short period of time, Niels had lost everything. One of the things he loved and wanted was right in front of him dangling. But he couldn't have Mathias, and the Dane wanted to ship him off to rehab.
Nothing would change Niels feared. All that would happen is that he would go and they wouldn't be able to help him. It would be a waste of money. But either case, Niels knew he really didn't have a much better choice. Evenly Niels said, "I'm not going unless you get Eirik's photo out of your parents house." Niels wouldn't go if he didn't have at least one thing to link him to look at and try to feel better. An urn wasn't something a person could feel better at when staring.
xxx
He sure had hoped for a better reaction, something like 'oh Mathias I love you' and going to the bedroom where they would have sex like beasts; but he could always dream.
He nodded with a reassuring smile, "I should have thought about it when I went yesterday. I'll go later today," he said, turning completely his body to face Niels' little curled form in front of him, "I'm doin' this to help ye babe… I love ye… I only want what is good for ye, and I kept ignorin' all yer problems since we started datin' I-… I'm sorry and I wanna fix my mistakes," he almost whispered, stretching a hand to caress the man's arm and hand, "I'm to magician, I'm no psychologist, there's not much I can do to really help ye except pay for yer rehabilitation and find the best centre for ye."
He began to doubt. Was he doing the right thing? Was Anne telling him the truth, that it would really help Niels to do this? Against his will?
Gently pulling the other man's chin up, the Dane gave him an unsure look and pleaded, "Please, tell me I'm not bein' stupid…"
xxx
Niels' whole body began to tremble as he felt Mathias' hand tip his chin up and look at him with those blue eyes. Of course, like usual Mathias was having a hard time reading what was going on within Niels' mind. Why couldn't Mathias just read his mind or read between the lines. It was characteristic of Niels to say nasty things he didn't fully mean. Yes, he hurt from the fact that he was no longer with Mathias, yes he was bitter to the fact that Mathias was only now helping him. But through the months they had been together, Mathias must have figured out that Niels would blame everyone else before he ever acknowledged what he felt. It didn't help that Mathias was so close that Niels wanted to kiss Mathias and never let go. Now he couldn't and it made this whole situation so much worse.
Desperately he wanted to jerk away and recoil so he could keep his feelings hidden to himself. Niels somehow found the strength to keep his eyes on Mathias and for once in a long time, Niels decided to voice what was really the matter. "I'm just scared it wont work."
xxx
The Dane sighed in relief and giggled, "Babe, it won't work if ye keep tellin' it won't… d'ye wanna get outta this?" he asked with raised eyebrow, "If ye really wanna get outta this insane loop, it will work, believe me…" Mathias was confident. For all the times he had doubted in his confidence toward Niels, this time, he believed it would work. He naïvely trusted the centre and their workers to help the man he loved.
"Ye need to build up some self-confidence, babe," he said, migrating his hand to cup Niels' cheek and stroke it with his thumb, "I love ye…" he whispered, leaning forward to press their foreheads together, "I'm so sorry I didn't realise earlier that ye needed help, but…" he said leaning back and removing his hand, "I'm okay with not bein' with ye anymore… though, I'll still go with ye tomorrow, and I'll wait for ye when ye come back. Whatever ye say, I'll still be there, just out the door to welcome ye out and brin' ye back home."
On Mathias' side, he felt like going backward in their relation, in the time he was struggling to have Niels dating him. They snuggled, they caressed, they had sex and they kissed, though all the while, the Norwegian was still reticent to date the Dane, and the exact same was happening here, though, for different reasons; it was Mathias' fault and only his.
"Don't worry, everythin' will be alright. Ye won't have anythin' to take care of but yerself; no payments, no money seekin', so job… just yerself."
xxx
A wave of relief and hope washed over Niels knowing that possibly things between him and Mathias weren't totally over. To know that Mathias wasn't just dumping him off in some center was a great relief. But still he felt nervous and unsure. What if while he was there Mathias changed his mind. Instantly, Niels craved some cocaine and struggled to keep a straight face. There was still a chance that here was some left in his bag from his trip and it weighed heavily on his mind as his eyes looked past Mathias to the door where his bag lay.
Closing his eyes, Niels tried to get a grip of himself and concentrate on the issue at hand. Looking back at Mathias, Niels spoke in a wavering voice, "If I successfully complete this will you be willing to give us another chance? I.. don't want you to go." he managed to get that second part out with great difficulty. The last few days had been a nightmare and Niels felt increasingly sick thinking about Mathias and never being touched by him. Worst of all, Niels knew if he didn't have motivation he would never leave that center, free of his addiction. It was the truth of Niels, he really didn't care about himself and would happily stay in this cycle because it was easy.
xxx
Mathias felt stroked in the soul with Niels' words. So, he was willing to continue with him? The Dane warmly smiled as he moved his hands to grab the other man's and slowly caress them, "Yeah, I am…" he slowly said. He felt incredibly happy to see that Niels was willing to go make his therapy and come back with him right after.
Yes, Mathias had been the one breaking their couple up, but he actually though it was for the best now. Maybe it was giving Niels some motivation to complete his therapy. Well, personally, knowing that the one he loved was waiting for him outside would give enough motivation to Mathias to do anything. Though, he didn't like to make it some kind of treat for Niels, it wasn't his goal. He was in fact willing to fix their couple now, but he didn't want to keep such a strong link between them while they would be apart.
But the Dane wasn't willing to do anything outside. He wouldn't go to Anne for sex or whatever, he would simply wait for Niels to come back and go visit him whenever he could, if he ever could.
"I won't go…" he assured him, "'cause you'll succeed."
xxx
Niels instantly felt relieved, even though he still worried that while being isolated from the outside world he might still lose Mathias. But knowing that for sure Mathias still wanted him back made him feel motivated. Wrapping his arms around Mathias he snuggled up close and tried to accept things. Such as the fact he had almost killed someone last night and that he really needed this. After a few minutes, Niels murmured, "I'll try my best." he had agreed fully and somehow it made him physically ill.
A lot of it stemmed from the fact Niels still wasn't used to getting help. It was a change of life style to isolate himself with no drugs and knows what treatments. Hell, Niels didn't even know what lay in wait for him. Would he be stuck in a room? Would he be constantly monitor. In his head Niels saw an asylum and he didn't like the idea of it at all. But Mathias would visit right? If the man at least saw him on his weekends Niels wouldn't be utterly alone.
After a few moments, Niels realized that he was hugging Mathias probably longer than he was no allowed. It felt weird because he wasn't sure what he was allowed to do with Mathias. But boldly he pecked the man on the cheek before straightening up, and say thank you.
xxx
Mathias momentarily lost his smile when Niels came for a hug. It felt good to have the man back in his arms despite them having parted only for a couple of days… though, all these days, the Dane felt cold without his lover's presence around, without being able to touch him. The second Anne had made him realise his mistake, he felt emptier than ever.
Sure, Niels had cheated him probably more than once during their time in Denmark and he had probably been high multiple times in his back and in his face, but all of these, from Anne's sayings, were distress cries he had kept avoiding and ignoring. He had doubts about him, but he didn't want to see the truth and that leaded them there.
But he felt like their couple had never been healthier. Sure, they weren't really still together, but it was only a matter of time, a matter of Niels working on himself and getting himself out of his misery before they were back together and living the life they, or at least Mathias, had always wished they had.
His deep cold feeling came back when Niels backed and Mathias nodded, "Don't thank me," he said, "Ye should thank Anne and my mom," he said with a warm smile, "Funny how two women helped a gay couple," he laughed.
xxx
Niels smiled slightly at Mathias even though he couldn't remember who Anne was nor had Mathias quite understood what Niels was thankful for. Truth be told, he was saying thank you for yet another chance with him and for not abandoning him. This time Niels honestly wanted to succeed. He didn't know what the future would look like if Niels was just an ordinary person, no longer living a shadowy life. But he knew he wanted it to be with Mathias.
No, to Niels the center was just a place that Mathias wanted him to go. It almost felt like exile or a prison. But if it got Mathias back and helped him, which Niels was willing to admit now he wanted help, then so be it. So maybe he should thank those two people, after all it was giving him a second chance.
Standing up finally from the couch, Niels needed a shower, and he wanted to end this emotional roller coaster he seemed to be on. "I smell and I guess... I should pack." God the word pack sent a cold fear down Niels' spine.
xxx
Mathias stood along with Niels, nodding, "Yeah, and while ye're doin' that I'll… I'll go get that picture of Eirik ye want," he said, knowing he would have to go back to his parents' house. Though, at this hour, his father wasn't there yet, so he would only see his mother again, "It might take a moment though," he said with a slight chuckle.
They stood, unsure, facing each other for a moment, before Mathias hesitated and leaned to leave a short kiss on the man's forehead and left. He wasn't even sure if their stuff was still there; knowing his father, his certainly had put all their stuff by the road.
But he was happy to find the picture and all their things still in the same room they had left. And it was still the way it was when they left months ago. His mother explained him she had pleaded his father not to touch anything, for she needed to keep Mathias' stuff, probably the only things she could keep of her older son. Knowing this, he felt like crying. He had believed his mother was the same as his dad, though, she was only scared of him. After all these years of being the victim of a violent drunkard, it was understandable.
Though, Mathias wasn't willing to take anything of their things, except Eirik's photography; taking back all of their furniture would be too painful on them, he thought… and it wasn't like Niels had allowed Mathias back home anyway.
Back at the apartment, Mathias had managed to come back while Niels was still in the shower; finally, it hadn't taken as long as he thought it would. He went to sit on the living room's couch and put the picture on his lap to look at it.
xxx
Niels was taking his time in the shower. After Mathias left, the previous night came flood back into his memory. He could still hear the cracking of the bat against the man at the door's shins and the crying of the baby. It was only when he heard the sound of his front door opening and closing did he snap out of it and began to wash himself. But once the shower was finished, Niels didn't want to go out in the living room and stalled in the bathroom by looking at himself in the mirror and examining the hallows of his cheeks and the bags under his eyes. Being around the Dane was just so painful.
Getting dressed, Niels went into the kitchen to grab him a sandwich before sitting on the couch next Mathias, seeing the photo. Niels almost lost his appetite seeing his brother's shy face. It was strange to see his face again and it looked different from what he saw in his head. Knowing that he was starting to forget some of his brother's features scared him. Plucking the photo from Mathias' hands, Niels placed a light kiss on it before standing and placing it on the counter next to the urn.
Downing the rest of his sandwich, Niels tried to smile at Mathias before stating, "I'm going on a walk. I'll see you tonight or.." If Mathias left to go where it is he was staying, he would see him the next day. "Anyways, I'll see you later. I need to think." he really did. So much had changed in his life yet again for the second time in less than a year.
xxx
Mathias gave the Norwegian a warm smile and, hesitant, he shrugged and looked away, "Dunno but… mind if I stay? I mean… I do have another place to go, but It might be the last time in a while we can be together before ye leave tomorrow…" he said before looking back at Niels and giving him a cheeky smile.
"No sayin' we should have sex or anything, God no…" he laughed, looking away a bit nervous, "But," he sighed, "Ye know…"
Mathias didn't know if he would have the right to come to the centre to visit Niels. If he couldn't, he wished to have one night with him, only enlaced in each other's arms, before taking him to the centre. Not kissing, not sexually touching; only be there and sleeping together one last night. Who knew how long Niels would have to stay there, but the Dane wanted him there for all the time he needed.
And so, before Niels went to his walk alone, Mathias simply wanted to know.
xxx
Niels stood there frozen. He had a chance to get Mathias out of his hair so he wouldn't feel so miserable. Yet, thinking about turning the man away to some place hurt a lot more. "You can stay." Niels said evenly even though with each tense moment between them, the line was being drawn where they now stood. Swallowing thickly he also added, "You can also stay here while I'm gone. If it helps you." After all, if someone didn't live here and pay the rent, they would both be homeless once Niels was out of the center.
Moving to the door, Niels opened the door and grabbed his bag before saying quietly. "I'll try to be back soon, Mathias." with that he jogged up the stairs and into Copenhagen. It was strange that he had lived there for a few months and he still hadn't seen much of the place. So Niels decided to play the tourist, using his bus pass to ride all around the city, even though he wasn't really taking in the sites. His mind just seemed to be running a thousand miles an hour. It didn't help that he wanted to open his bag up and see if he had any cocaine left.
After all this would be the last time and soon he would never do it again. Mathias would never know because it would be worn off by the time he got home. Opening it carefully he rummaged threw it and saw a very thin amount. It was better than nothing. At the next stop he found himself at a park. Walking into some bushes, he took the last drop of coke before staring up at the sky enjoying himself. Niels even felt better about his situation with Mathias and he knew that feel good confidence would still be there when he went home even though the high would be long worn off.
xxx
The day before, when he had came back to the apartment for the first time, Mathias had found a garbage bag with his clothes outside. He had dragged it back inside, a bit hurt since, well, it showed Niels didn't want anymore of him… or cared for him enough to give him back his stuff in case Mathias didn't want to come back in. Well, it sure had brought some bad feelings inside the Dane.
He was tired. Very tired. Exhausted. For the last few days, he felt like he had dried himself enough so nothing more could leak from his eyes. Being in love was so painful sometimes… especially when in love with a whore and cocaine addict. Though, Mathias didn't see Niels as such, as a prostitute; it was only a mistake he had made in his life choice. He was still young, he could fix it, and it was one of the many reasons Mathias was willing to help him.
He was glad Niels had proposed him to stay, he wouldn't ask for better. At least, he would be able to find a job and pay the rent while he wasn't there, and yes, he was willing to find a proper job; even to go to his dad and plead him back to work with him. To lie. Anything.
And so, Mathias wandered around the place waiting for Niels to come back. Hours ticked by and he worried Niels had gone somewhere to get one last fuck with drugs or whatever, or even worse, that everything earlier would have been only some acting and that he was leaving to never come back.
The Dane nervously smoked, walking into the house, paranoïng. He ended up in the bed, lied on his back, staring at the ceiling. He finally fell asleep, his usual deep noisy sleep, wishing, before closing his eyes, that Niels would come back soon and that they would use their last hours together… to do anything they wanted to do before parting once again for indeterminate time.
xxx
Niels looked in the mirror of a super market's bathroom only a few blocks away from home, making sure that his eyes were no longer blood shot and dilated. After examining himself, he was sure that his eyes were simply red because of the lack of sleep he had lived with for the past week. Exiting, he grabbed two large beer cans and purchased them. Something told Niels that he would need some form of alcohol to get threw the night. Besides, Niels was a cocaine addict, the possible alcoholic was Mathias. But Niels wouldn't ask the Dane to take care of that issue because he deemed it minor and he had his own issues to fix now.
Making his way back to his apartment, Niels could feel a slight gloom growing in his chest. But because he had gotten a small fix, his feelings were still slightly detached. Opening up the apartment door, Niels was surprised to find it dead quiet. For a moment he feared that Mathias had left and would only see him just before being taken to the detoxification center. But soon he heard Mathias' loud snores and Niels found himself softly smiling. Placing the beer cans in the fridge Niels kicked off his shoes before climbing into the bed next to Mathias.
Because the man was sleeping, Niels took the chance to run his fingers threw his hair and run his thumb over bottom lip. God he missed those lips. There was a lot of things he would miss and the center was starting to lose its appeal. Niels retracted his hand a moment later when he noticed Mathias began to stir.
xxx
Deeply breathing in, Mathias was brought out of his slumbers by a presence next to him, which he wished was Niels'. He smiled when opening the eyes and seeing him, "Sorry," he mumbled before rolling on his side to face the man. They kept a safe distance between them, but the only thing the Dane wanted was to take the other man into his arms and stay like this the entire night, to give him the more love he could before he was thrown alone at the centre.
"Hope it gave ye some good," he sorely whispered, clearing his throat. Though, he had nothing more to say. He only craved to touch Niels, which he did, hesitant, by moving one hand over the other man's and stroked the back of the hand with gentle fingers before enlacing them.
"We'll look around the place tomorrow, I'll stay as long as I can… I pretty sure they won't mind," he said, trying to reassure Niels from whatever fear he had, "And no worry for me, I'll do fine here… just think 'bout yerself there."
And then, he shut himself; it was no time to talk about that now. They only had little hours left before they would leave for the centre and Mathias wanted to pass them enjoying his last time with the man he loved.
"I love ye," he simply said with a warm smile, migrating his hand to the man's cheek and caressed it.
xxx
Niels reached up and touched the hand on his cheek. Desperately Niels wish he could say 'I love you too' but he wasn't comfortable with the word and even though he tried, the words remained caught in his throat. Niels was in a terrible situation, he was one that showed how he felt. But since it was out in the open that he was still selling his body for drugs, he didn't have a good record there. Everything he had done behind Mathias' back showed the opposite. Now even though Mathias looked so inviting, almost asking Niels to close the distance and let himself be held, he didn't know if he should.
All he really could do was stroke the hand that was placed on his cheek. In his mind it was Mathias' whom would decide what they did with their remaining time. After all it was Niels that had cheated and not Mathias. Niels didn't have a right to feel bad and thank god his body was suppressing all those raw emotions or Niels might honestly crack.
xxx
Several minutes passed while Mathias kept his hand on Niels' cheek, swallowing thick spit as he looked at the man's hand over his life it was the most beautiful thing the Earth had ever given him. He didn't know what to do either… he… he was willing to simply go ahead, like he had always done and do as nothing had ever happened, though, both had been deeply wounded during their break up, even if it had happened very quickly, it still hurt.
Mathias could still feel how betrayed he had felt on that night, when he realised that Niels was certainly playing on his back the whole time. But he wasn't sure he wanted to know; there, he could hear his ex-girlfriend telling him he needed to be more open and try to help the man by popping his balloon… but it was so hard, he didn't want to break the moment.
Without any warning, the Dane closed the distance between them in a long inhale and locked their lips together. He body trembled as he felt a sudden burn in his stomach. His eyes stung and he squeezed them tighter to keep them to leak.
xxx
Niels felt as if all the air had been sucked out of him as soon as he felt the smothering kiss. For moments he just sat their unmoving from the shock of having Mathias close the distance so suddenly. And it burned to feel the kiss he wanted so badly. His whole body felt weighed down in guilt of what he had done behind his back. But as soon as Niels felt Mathias start to pull away, he finally reacted taking his hands and twining them in Mathias' hair so he couldn't move from his lips.
Sure the kiss felt like it could burn a hole threw his soul, but god it still felt good to feel his lips against his. Mathias could tell him how much he loved him, and the words felt good sure, but the actions were always better and spoke in volumes to Niels. And just maybe this meant he was forgiven, even if Mathias probably didn't comprehend what all Niels had done behind his back. He was just grateful to feel him against.
Even though Niels felt a deep sadness wash over him as he loosened his grip on Mathias' hair and his ex pulled away. Niels stared at him teary eyed and lips trembling. Even though his chest constricted in a miserable pain, Niels found some type of solace as his fingers touched Mathias' face and neck. It took a lot for Niels to not turn into puddy and start crying about how sorry he was. Neither needed that on Niels' last night of freedom.
xxx
The burn inside Mathias' chest invaded his whole cage as he looked back at Niels to notice the deep pain engraved on his face. Shortly smirking, he pulled Niels back against him and tilted the head for a deep kiss, one that felt extremely wet and clumsy. The Dane could be innocent, he could be naïve, but sometimes, he was happy he was; it was easier to go back to people he loved like this. He rarely grew long time grudge against people, and if he did, he was able to act like nothing had ever happened.
Each little touch Niels made on him felt like burns scarifying his skin. If his mind didn't recall why he had broken up with the man days ago, his body did. Saying he had felt bad when Anne and he had kissed when drunken months ago…
Mathias slipped fingers into Niels' hair behind his head to hold him closer. Damn it, if they were to be parted for a long moment, he wanted to use the little moment they had now together to have those kinds of things from him, to remind one last time how good their kisses tastes, how god they felt, how beautiful Niels looked when crying…
xxx
It hurt to breath. Each breath felt as if he was breathing in fire as he tried his hardest to not full out cry. His diaphragm felt like as if it was knotted up but still, Niels wanted to be closer to Mathias. Slinging one leg over the man's hip and linking his arms around Mathias' neck,Niels pressed his whole body up against him. Instantly he could feel the trembling of Mathias' body. It was obvious that this whole ordeal was just as painful to Mathias as it was to Niels and he wondered if he should stop.
The selfishness in Niels didn't let him. Instead he slipped his tongue inside Mathias' mouth swirling it along the man's tongue. There was a distinct salty taste from Mathias hold back his own tears. That made Niels let loose his tears, his stomach un-knotted and wet hot tears flowed down his cheeks freely. Niels was starting to realize just how deep the wound on his heart really way. It didn't help that it also showed Niels just how much he loved this man and how stupid he really had been.
xxx
Just like Niels let himself go, Mathias did too with a distinct whimpered sigh, "Damn it Niels," he whispered during a short time while they parted to breathe before coming back full strength into their smothering kiss. The pillow they were laying one was already starting to get soaked from their tears and both men had problems keeping their kiss steady, needing to back up to breathe through their heretical trembling breaths and jumpy diaphragms.
Mathias felt way too exhausted to even think about rolling over Niels to have more control on their kiss, and slightly pulling on Niels for he would do it made him realise it was the same for him, and so, they simply both lied on their sides, giving each other smothering, sloppy, clumsy and wet hot kisses, swirling their tongues soundly into each other's mouth. The Dane let his hands wander down on Niels' side before snaking under his shirt to caress his nude skin and wrap his arms around his waist to press their bodies even tighter.
Rapidly they felt so exhausted that, lazily, they simply put their head down on the pillow to simply peck each other's wet lips. Mathias rapidly moved a hand to wipe his tears away and his runny nose, smiling; he never liked looking weak in front of people, especially not in front of someone who needed help like Niels.
Mathias had no intention to sleep. No. They had little time together until they had to leave for the centre and he wanted to pass every single remaining nanosecond awakened with Niels. Or at least, only he would be awake.
xxx
Eventually Niels' head began to hurt from crying and his body began to stop producing tears. But god after crying his heart with man he was weeping about next to him, Niels felt significantly better. Maybe it was the light pecking he got from Mathias that was making him feel so buoyant. But after awhile he too began to feel utterly exhausted and it didn't help that Niels was beginning to feel so content laying next Mathias stroking his back wasn't helping.
Remembering the beers in the fridge he bought, Niels gave Mathias one smothering kiss before getting up telling him to wait there. Grabbing the cool cans, Niels felt his body began to waken from moving about. He took the opportunity to blow his nose before returning to the bedroom. Handing Mathias a beer, Niels flipped the pillow onto its drier side and settled down snuggling his head into Mathias' chest. His free hand began to stroke Mathias' lower stomach, and Niels forgot about his own unopened beer. Mathias was just that big of a distraction to him.
"You will see me on your weekends. I know I already asked but..." To him this night was turning into one long good bye.
xxx
When Niels left the room, Mathias had rushed for the night table to get their toilet paper they always kept there to wipe their usual sexual mess to blow his nose and had crashed down back on the mattress in a long sigh. With Niels back on his side, he opened the beer and half downed it; dear God, beer was probably his best remedy for sadness, strangely.
Wrapping one arm around the littler man's waist, Mathias sighed, closing him eyes.
"Mh?" he did, not quite understanding the man's statement before saying, "Niels," and opened back the eyes, tilting the head to lay it on the man's, "I love ye… It's been a mistake of me to leave ye… I… I was mad, I felt betrayed, I felt dirty, I felt like I was wasting my time, I–" he said without thinking and closed back his eyes, "But I was in the wrong all along… please, forgive me…" he pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut as he pulled the man a tad closer, "Anne helped me understand yer situation. She's a good girl ye know, no surprise I was 'bout to marry her," he said out of the blue, giggling.
xxx
Remembering whom Anne was sent a flush of jealousy down Niels' spine, but it was overshadowed by Mathias' words. He regretted breaking up with Niels, and that made him feel the most happiness he experienced that week. Dropping his beer, Niels leaned on his elbows and kissed Mathias with everything he had. This time he didn't feel a strong sting in his chest just relief.
After a few moments Niels broke the kiss before sitting back up. Niels looked down at Mathias with a very serious face. "I'm the one that wronged you. I have a problem, yes, I know that. But it doesn't make what I did any better. You reacted like a normal person would." his eyes lost contact as he felt a shy shame flush over his cheeks. Slowly he took Mathias' hands in his, running his fingers over Mathias' rough palm. Niels still loved the rough callouses of his hands and he brought them to his lips before he continued. "I don't deserve you, I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm the one that's sorry, I should be the one asking for forgiveness. I regret everything that I've done. Mathias please..." His throat constricted. Niels wanted to ask for Mathias to take him back but fear of him saying no stopped him. After a few long moments of just sitting there astride Mathias Niels took a deep breath and spoke softly. "Please don't leave me."
xxx
The same happened in Mathias; he felt extremely relieved by the other man's words. Damn… He was about to think that everything Niels was doing was only normal. Well, that was what his ex-girlfriend had forced in his head; that all Niels had been doing through these months were normal for a depressed and seeking for help person. But at least, the Norwegian was saying it wasn't and that Mathias was.
But it didn't change that the Dane was more than willing to be back with Niels when everything would be over. In fact, it was almost the other way around that was happening; months ago, it was Mathias who asked to date Niels when he would be over with his debt, and now, it was Niels who begged for it.
"Niels," he started in a low voice as he sat in front of him, looking hypnotically at his hands being caressed on his ex's lips, "We'll be apart for God knows how long. I don't know for ye, but I know that it will be hard for me to have ye away without bein' able to see ye every day… just like the last days have been very hard. Though, I'll be there when ye'll come back, and I'll come whenever I am allowed to, just give me a call and I'll be there for ye. If we need to write each other, I will write ye, if we can only speak on the phone, we will, and if I can come visit, I'll come over. I'll be there… isn't that the most important for now?" he asked, looking back up into the other man's eyes with a cheeky grin.
"I'll watch over the place and I'll make the payments, I'll try to buy more thin's we need here and maybe, if we are lucky enough, I can find another apartment in a safer place… and I'll wait for ye to come back… I don't know if ye'll love me when ye'll come outta there, but I don't mind, 'cause I will, and I'll work on ye as I always did to make ye love me. I don't mind… Ye know, when we started to see each other, it wasn't like this. I'm happy of the work I put into our relation for it to go this far. Despite all the ordeals… we're still there, standin'."
xxx
Niels really wanted to say, 'No I'd still love you when I get out' but he couldn't he just frowned when he heard the words. Leaning forward Niels grabbed Mathias' lips before they could spew anymore words that Niels didn't like. It was reassuring to know that Mathias was still willing to go to the edges of the earth for Niels. Nothing really had changed between them, just Niels wouldn't see Mathias everyday. Or at least that what he kept telling himself.
Leaning back Niels tried to give the man a reassuring smile before whispering, "Okay." Mathias had said everything that Niels wanted to hear and soothed every worry that he had.
Grabbing his beer off the table, Niels finally opened the can, quenching his thirst the best he could. Niels almost chugged it all at once, not out of grief but out of thirst. Placing the beer back on the table, Niels lead Mathias back to the mattress to lay his head in the crook of Mathias' neck. Instantly his hands went to stroking Mathias' stomach under his shirt before his lips went back to kissing, but this time along his neck. Niels loved this man, and just wanted to do as he always done with Mathias and forgetting his mistake, forgetting the last week. After all the follow day he would be locked up for god knows how long.
xxx
They tried to stay awake the entire night, simply cuddling and caressing each other. They ended up slowly undressing each other to enjoy one light naked sight of the other, though, with only beer and lack of sleep, it was hard to do more than just look. And Mathias knew himself too well; even if there he was too tired to do anything, the second Niels would be out of reach, he would want to hit himself in the face for not having done anything with him since, for the next few weeks, maybe months, he would have as only friend his left hand.
Just like teenagers discovering the other's body for the first time, they removed pieces by pieces all of their clothing articles while looking at every single inch of skin being revealed, like it was the first time they did. Sometimes, they would look up at each other and Mathias would smile.
They sat in front of each other, born naked and simply looking at the other's body. It was like neither of them wanted to make the first move, to touch the other.
xxx
Eventually Niels reached for Mathias' hand just to hold and touch. The sun was coming up and their time together at their apartment was almost at an end. Sure, Niels was a tad disappointed that they hadn't done anything other than kiss and look, but Niels calmly accepted it. There was no innate pain from the lack of touching and Niels knew that he would have Mathias' naked form burned into his mind for the undetermined time at the center.
Taking Mathias by the hand, he lowered them both to the mattress and pulled up the covers to their waist. Scooting closer so their chests touched Niels round his body around Mathias. For the remaining time, he gave Mathias chaste touches, enjoying him in an innocent way Niels probably never had. His touches didn't stop until the alarm they had set in case they had fallen asleep went off. Pausing, Niels felt a sting as he knew it was time for him to get up and leave.
Niels had forgotten to gather his clothes last night, too busy with Mathias to do so. Now he went around the house picking up clothes and stuffing them in his bag. He also needed a shower and to eat all of which Niels wanted to do painfully slow so he didn't have to leave just yet.
xxx
A reminder to self, continue on page 60 in the middle. Sorry it's hard going through 100+ on dA so now I know where I left off. I'm sorry for the long wait. I finally had enough people beg me to post more so I did. Should only be another two big chunks and then I'll be done with this. I'll try not to take forever. Shouldn't though.
