Chapter 5
The days began to slow down after my visit with Lizzy. No longer flying by, but drifting. Each day was different, but the same. Each morning after breakfast, Ailith and I would sit, talking. I started asking questions about the shadow realm as I had finally realized, as much as I knew, it was almost nothing compared to what I didn't. At seven each morning, we would travel down to thee stables to let Demon and Marshmallow from their stalls. It was summer, so we could let them graze. We would brush them then ride them. After lunch was different each day. Whatever we wanted to do for the rest of the day, this is when we would visit the physical realm. I didn't want to go back to the spirit realm. Ailith taught me many things, but still only what I asked. There were many questions I didn't think to ask. So when it happened, I was caught off guard.
The violent tremors that had wracked my body all night finally started to slow as exhaustion weighed at my body. By morning, I had slipped into a light, broken doze. I couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so cold. It was like sleeping on ice with a thick blanket of freezing snow. So cold. I knew it was morning and I needed to get up, but I couldn't even feel my arms and legs. All I could feel was my ragged breathing, fluttering heartbeat, and cold. So cold. Later that morning something woke me from my broken doze, gently shaking me until my eyes cracked open. "Ciel. Are you okay? You are not usually one to sleep in. What's wrong?"
"I'm cold." I'm frozen and exhausted from shivering all night. Ailith took my blanket away. "No!"
"Just for a moment, Ciel. Then you can have it back. I promise. She laid warm fingers across my forehead. Just her fingers were enough to bring back the shivering. Her fingers moved to my chest, feeling my heartbeat and ragged breathing. She placed the blanket back but what little warmth it provided only made me remember how cold I really was. I couldn't stop shivering but I could feel the tremors weakening.
"Am I dying." I couldn't help but ask, though I knew I was already as dead as dead could be. Ailith's expression was very serious when she answered, making it all the worse.
"No. You can't die, but you've started to fade."
"Why? We haven't left the shadow realm in over a month."
"We are shadows of our lives. Simply a collection of memories. When a shadow's memory starts to fade from that of living creatures, that is, any living soul, we get extremely sick. But as long as there is enough memory left alive, you will adjust to living as less of a memory and soon be strong as ever." With this, I breathed a broken sigh of relief. "But, be warned, there is a high chance of it getting worse before it gets better."
"What! Why?" Even this exclamation was weak, barely more than a whisper.
"Because, these are the weakest memories of you that forget first. Strong memories will start to fade as well, each new memory stronger than the last, and making you weaker. Only the strongest will be left, those that may never truly forget." Watching her face as she said it, to the undiscerning eye, was indifferent. Cold as if she were a doctor I had never known, who did not care deeply for me. But I could see it. It was buried deep in her eyes, like she was trying to hide it, perhaps to make it seem like no big deal, but it was there. Not just worry, but downright fear. She was scared I wouldn't be strong enough to recover from this. There was no telling how many times she had seen this, how many she had tried to help, but lost because they couldn't survive. Their lives echoed in her, leaving a haggard expression of fear and despair, swimming at the bottom of her eyes. It was the most terrified I had ever felt, seeing that look. Knowing there was worse to come and that countless shadows before me had not been able to withstand it. There was no telling what my chances of survival were. But I could see, they were slim. Still, I arranged my face into a mask of serene confidence. She would not know how scared I was. She would not hurt over me.
"What shall we do then, if I am to be sick."
"You are going to rest. You need to conserve as much strength as possible for the days to come. Until then, I'll bring you some breakfast." She tried to offer a timid smile, but it came out like a grimace, like she had forgotten how to smile. As soon as she was gone, I collapsed into my pillows, to weak and disoriented to even remember sitting up. I was still cold. I curled up under my covers, conserving as much heat as possible. Still, I trembled. All I could do now was hang on as long as possible, in hopes of surviving, and brace myself for nonexistence in case I didn't. I wondered what it was like, not existing. Would it be like floating in empty blackness for eternity, or would I be able to feel anything at all. I didn't know the answers to my questions. All I knew was that I did not want it. I was not ready to leave what was left of my life. I was not ready to leave Ailith, I mean Lizzy. And Ailith too. I was not ready to fade away.
I was so scared for, Ciel. I had never seen anyone so bad so quick. He was so young. He didn't have time to leave a strong enough mark on others. So few truly cared for him, but now they were forgetting. I didn't think Sebastian would be enough for him to hang on to. He was barely enough for me, and I have the strength of a million lives. Ciel does not. It seemed inevitable. He was going to fade, and fate would leave me here, broken and alone, as always. As soon as I was out of earshot of him, I couldn't hold back any longer. I began to cry.
Ailith came back later, a bowl of broth in one hand, and a spoon in the other. I was on the edge of consciousness, but not strong enough to bring myself back to reality. She fed me. I could feel each spoonful radiate heat to my body, before being forced away by the relentless cold that continued to claw at me, like a cat playing with its mouse before the killing blow. Doing enough to hurt the mouse, to scare it out of its wits, but just too little to kill it before the cat was ready. I was glad there was no pain in fading. Just the cold, the fatigue, and the fear.
The days started to blur together, an endless period of shivering, exhaustion, and fear. I was never allowed to leave my room, not that I could have anyway. I stayed balled up under the blankets as summer turned to fall, then fall to winter, shivering the days away. One some point, I stopped having the energy to talk to Ailith. In fact, I had no energy at all to spare. Not even enough to swallow on my own, or go to the bathroom. It was all devoted to shivering. I felt myself wither away into near nothingness.
Day in and day out, I cared for Ciel. His pain had become my pain. His fear, mine. Watching him fade was the hardest thing I had ever done, but he needed me. So I intended to be there until the very end. I clung to the smallest thread of hope, the only hope, that Ciel would pull out of this. The fact that, while he was with Lizzy, I was traveling through the future. And that I had seen him there. I had also felt myself in the future, meaning, there truly was no escape. Fate intended to keep me prisoner just as it intended to give Ciel back his life. There was no hope for me. I was destined to lose everything that made me happy. But there was hope for Ciel. If he was in the future, then he will come back, no matter what. As long as Ciel survives, so can I.
It was my the day before May 7th. It was just moments before midnight. Ailith was there, feeding me more broth, trying to warm me up, but it didn't work. I felt my hold on existence shift. I was hanging over oblivion by my fingertips, but my grip broke. I felt myself fall into the cold. And then there was nothing.
It was May 6th, mere moments before midnight. I knew, if he could hang on just a little bit longer, just until midnight, his memory would grow immensely stronger and he would survive. "Just one more minute Ciel. Then you'll feel better." His fragile body began to spasm. It was happening. He was so close but it was ending. "Please, Ciel. Just 30 more seconds, hang on." The spasms started weakening, as there wasn't enough energy to continue them. Soon, they stopped. He continued to tremble, still cold. "Just 15 more seconds Ciel, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3…" he stopped shivering and it was done. He was gone. Ciel Phantomhive had been erased from existence. I began to cry as our watches beeped midnight.
I heard a beep. It was so faint, but I heard it. I followed the noise up. Soon, I began to hear weeping. It was a sound I knew. My Lizzy was crying. But why. And how was she here. I continued to follow the sound up. Above me, she sat, her tears falling into the pool of darkness I was swimming in. I heard my name. "Ciel. I'm sorry. I couldn't help you, I didn't know how. Please forgive me." My beloved was crying for me. I finally recalled what had been happening the past few months. The sickness that had dragged me down here, but it wasn't there anymore. Something had caused it to let go. I realized, it wasn't my own power, pulling me up. I had no power. I was too weak to move, to whisper my beloved's name. It was her. She had thrown me a lifeline and didn't even know it. I felt myself returning to her but she did not feel me. She was pulling me out of the darkness without even knowing it. I broke free. She was still above me, pulling me up. Her dark, ever present wings stretched out to circle her. I felt strength returning. I felt her, warming me up so it felt as if I were never cold. Finally, she had pulled me all the way up. I was wrapped in blankets in her arms. She cradled me and I was warm. She did not see that I was awake. She could not feel my breathing or hear my heartbeat from inside the covers. She was still crying, her tears leaving wet marks on my face. I had to get her attention, to tell her it was alright. My beloved's name broke from my lips in the softest whisper ever made, but she heard.
"Ailith." She opened her eyes, causing tears to stream out faster. There was a question on her face.
"Ciel?" Her question was a broken plea.
"Yes." Understanding struck her and she pulled me close. She was so warm.
"Ciel! I thought I had lost you!" More tears. Her beautiful green eyes were obscured by the wave of relief. I pulled myself from her arms and the wad of sheets I was wrapped in. I had stopped shivering, for her warmth was all I needed. I grabbed my handkerchief off the nightstand and dabbed the tears out of those familiar green eyes.
"It's okay now. I'm alright now." Her tears dried quickly when they were gone and I could see her eyes clearly, they shone, utter joy radiated from her at the simple fact I was alive. She attacked me, wrapping me in a hug that would put a bear to shame. It was a little strange. I found that, in the time I had been out, I had grown. I was taller than Ailith now. It was nice. I returned her embrace as best as I could, my full strength having not come back yet.
"I love you Ciel. Please don't ever leave me." Her voice was small and timid.
"I love you to. I promise, I won't." Lizzy's green eyes looked up. They were so familiar. Black wings enveloped me. They were so soft, and I was tired. I fell asleep and dreamt a strange dream. There were two people standing side by side. They were touching, yet seemed oblivious to the other's presence. Two pairs of identical green eyes watched me. I looked and saw, I loved them both. But I couldn't betray either's love. Lizzy and Ailith. They looked up at me. Identical green eyes watched and as I wrestled with these feelings. I met their gaze, struggling to understand something I seemed to be missing. Looking at them together, I finally saw. What I saw put my conflicted emotions to peace. Understanding lit me up. Loving both was betraying no one, for they were the same. Two different bodies of the same soul. I'm not sure how this was possible, but I knew it was true.
I woke up late the next morning, ready to tell Ailith of my dream, but she was asleep, curled up on my bed. I saw her face. Her serenity. She was at peace while she slept and I could not take it away. It occurred to me that telling her was Lizzy would take her peace away. She gave her soul to Sebastian so she could escape her endless cycle of life and death. For the time being, I would leave her in peace. I would let her believe she had escaped. I would never tell her otherwise. So now I had a secret. And a problem. How do you love two people who don't know they are the same without breaking one's heart?
