Aaand I'm back with another rant thing! I'm so glad I have some people reading this, because I was really nervous about posting this story. XD
Enjoy!
Rant Two. Pairings and Ships
After reading the comments about her first rant, Ahsoka Tano felt as though it was her sole purpose to simply talk on about more things about FanFiction. After striking a bargain, Ahsoka even managed to have Anakin hold the camera again. When Anakin gave the "go" signal, Ahsoka slapped on a bright, excited smile.
"Hello, everyone!" She said with a wave. "I'm back and better than ever with another rant, because all you people wanted to know more about FanFiction. Now, if you're going to join this site or if you're in need of entertainment, sit down, 'cause I'm about to tell you about pairings and ships, which is probably one of the most simple and yet the most complex things about FanFiction dot net."
Ahsoka placed her hands on her hips and said, "Now, I'm going to give the most basic description I can about pairings and ships – they can be the most random things ever." She groaned in emphasis and continued, "And for those of you who are wondering what the living heck pairings and ships are, they're basically a certain couple that people in the fandom like. It can literally be anything."
She stuck out her hand, ticking off each description with a hand. "It can be a guy with a girl, a girl with a girl, a guy with a guy, a girl with an object, a guy with an object, whatever." Ahsoka paused and slapped a hand to her forehead. "I think the last two about objects were only written by people who were either on some kind of drug or going on a dare or just didn't get enough sleep. See Nocturnal Animal in the Types of People on FanFiction for that." She said, shaking her head.
Ahsoka folded her hands together. "Anyways, I'm not kidding – your pairing doesn't have to have any screen time or any pages or anything to support it. You could have two people from a fandom not even know much about each other and still ship it, and probably have other people who ship it as well." Ahsoka threw up her hands. "For example – I've read some fan fictions that you people – yes, you, sitting right there on your butt and staring at the screen – have written about me and I'm still mystified over who the heck you guys like to pair me up with."
Anakin made a small gagging sound, though Ahsoka ignored him. "Now, I'm not gonna go and hate on the ships, 'cause I'm not a bad person. And a side note for all of you people out there – I've learned not to insult anyone's ship because those people will find you and burn you to the ground, and no one will be able to blame them. Seriously. Publicly insulting someone's favorite pairing (otherwise known as an OTP, which stands for One True Pairing,) would be like jumping into a pool of sharks without a protective suit. In other words, you're dead, my friend!"
Ahsoka took a deep breath. "However, I'm not going to lie – there are some ships that are really…I don't know, out there? For example – I've seen some stories where I'm shipped with Boba Fett and Cad Bane." She lifted her hands. "Hey, don't give me that dirty look, you Cadsoka/Bobsoka shipper! Yes, I'm still wondering how you people come up with names for these ships…you know a ship is real when there's a name." Ahsoka sighed, shaking her head. "I'm getting distracted. Where was I? Oh, yes."
Ahsoka turned back to the camera. "Though I'm sure you people have a reasonable explanation for why you ship me with these guys, I'm still scratching my head in confusion. Why? Because I don't even talk to them a lot. I hate the living heck out of Bane – he took my braid! But I mean, if you think I belong to him, go on, ship it, I'm not gonna stand in your way! I'm neutral in this shipping war!" Ahsoka lifted her hands.
"And as for Boba, well, he looks like a decent kid, besides the fact that he tried to murder my master and everything…" Ahsoka's voice trailed off and she paused. "Actually, never mind – he's actually pretty decent for that."
Ahsoka quickly ducked a pillow that Anakin tossed at her and let out a laugh. "Just kidding! But seriously, I don't think I've really met the guy properly and therefore, I find it confusing that people would ship me with him. Again, though, I'm not gonna be hating on you shippers, because I know that insulting a couple will result in my ultimate destruction."
Ahsoka paused and pointed at the camera. "Don't you dare try to burn me to the ground. Please. I'm begging you!" She ended her words in a hysterical note. "I don't want to be mobbed by angry fan girls! That is not how I want to die!"
"Drama queen," Anakin whispered, though his comment didn't go unnoticed by Ahsoka. She shot daggers at her master and quickly straightened herself. "Moving on," she said in a more dignified tone, "there's some other things that certain FanFiction writers like to think about – Slash, Femslash, and Het."
Ahsoka took a deep breath. "I feel like I'm walking on coals here, because I just know that at one point, a Flamer is going to write something really nasty about Slashers, Femslashers, and Het fans. Yes, I didn't make a proper name for Het fans because they never really had a…name? I don't know." She shrugged and bit down on her lip, obviously nervous to go on, because she wasn't joking – she was going into dangerous pairing territory.
"Slashers are people who like to write about a guy liking a guy. No, don't give me that awkward, blank expression – you know you've heard of it and at one point, you're going to see it on FanFiction. Don't even think of asking me how the heck two guys can have sex, because frankly, I don't know, either." Ahsoka lifted her hands again. "But let me be clear – I'm not choosing a favorite. I'm natural in this war among Slashers and Het fans, and I'm going to tell you why there's sometimes a war between Slashers and Het fans."
Ahsoka took another deep breath. "Het fans like to write about a pairing which consists of a guy and a girl. Most of the time – I'm not saying all the time – Het fans don't like Slashers and Slashers don't like Het fans and I'm just going to say it right now – it is as annoying as heck. You'll see them hating on each other, shooting each other nasty comments, and that is why it is always safe to say that you're natural in the war because let's be real – you don't want your Private Message box flooding with hate messages."
"Femslashers on the other hand are people who like to write about two girls who like each other – again, these people are included in the Shipping War." Ahsoka sighed. "But don't look at me like that – if you're a Slasher, a Femslasher, or a Het fan, that's cool! You can ship what you want because again, (gosh, I'm saying this for the third time now,) no one can insult your OTP." Ahsoka paused. "As long as you don't insult mine," she hastily added. "Because if you insult my favorite pairings, I will be very mad." She giggled. "Just kidding! But you guys know what I mean."
"Now, let's go on – there's also a little something known as crack pairings and very much like pairings themselves, these pairings can be just about anything you want. And I mean anything – even a guy or a girl with something as silly as an object." Ahsoka said, her eye-markings lifting. "Don't give me that confused glare – it's possible for people to write and like that stuff. Again, I'm not gonna hate! If you ship a guy with an apple, I'm cool! You can ship whatever you want!"
Ahsoka slapped her hands together. "However, as much as I hate to admit it, there are some pairings that won't ever be accepted in a fandom." She shook her head. "I know, I know, I just said that you can ship whoever you want with whomever, but there are certain pairings that no one ever thought about or spoke about because why? Because it's totally and completely insane and strange and slightly perverted."
Ahsoka rubbed her chin. "Now, since these pairings are so forbidden, people don't even have a name for them, though others like to call them submarines. Get it? Because they sink? Ha!" Ahsoka grinned and then shook her head. "But seriously – you don't see people shipping me with…I don't know, Chancellor Palpatine, do you?"
Ahsoka's lekku stripes paled and she placed her hands to her face. "Oh, my Force, I don't even want to think about that. Don't answer that. Oh, my Force, gah." She muttered, shaking her head. On the other side of the camera, Anakin looked rather sickened by the thought, himself.
Ahsoka recovered and looked back at the camera. "See what I mean? Forbidden." She said with a grimace and straightened herself. "And now, last but not least, I'm going to discuss what you're going to do with your pairing." Ahsoka grinned. "Each and every writer likes to do whatever with their pairing – they like to make fluffy, cute stories or they like to write deep, dark, smutty stories that are filled to the brim with lemons and limes."
Ahsoka blinked. "And now it's occurred to me that if you're truly new to FanFiction, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about." She sighed. "Well, my friend, a fluffy story is possibly one of the sweetest things FanFiction has to offer – I'm talking about cute, adorable moments that are so sweet that your teeth hurt. We're talking about hand-holding, kissing on the forehead, cheek, sometimes lips, all that good stuff." She smiled dreamily and then shook her head.
"And fluff can be anything – it doesn't have to be for couples! It can also be found for friendship stories, family stories…just anything with sweetness and all that." She took a breath. "But there's also really, really intense stories that are usually made for older, more mature people."
Ahsoka looked around. "But I'm going to assume that you guys are going to listen to me – besides, you'll probably need to know this later. I mean, what if you read a summary that says, 'lots of lemons' and you're twelve years old and have no idea what the word 'lemons' mean? And what if you decide to read it?"
Ahsoka gasped, shaking her head. "Bad things are in store for you, my friend. Very, very, very bad things." Ahsoka tsked. "Basically, lemons is code word for lots of sex." Ahsoka pressed her lips together. "Yeah. So, if you're under sixteen years old, don't bother reading lemons. Please. Don't lose your innocence to FanFiction."
Anakin groaned. "So dramatic." He murmured, but Ahsoka decided to ignore the comment.
"And that's all for today – I'll be back with another rant, of course, only if you want me to!" Ahsoka said cheerfully. With that, Anakin cut the video and looked up at Ahsoka, an eyebrow raised. "Palpatine and you?" He asked, disgusted.
Ahsoka shook her head. "I know, Master. Totally ridiculous."
A/N - Again, I'm not trying to hate on anything! I'm totally okay if you have different ships - I'm not a hater! You know, let's put an end to this Shipping War and all of this nonsense. Are you a Slasher, a Femslasher, or a Het fan? I'm personally a Het fan, but I don't hate on Slashers or Femslashers 'cause hate is overrated.
(Though, I think we can all agree that Palpatine x Ahsoka would be creepy. O.O Gawd, I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote those words down. O.O Ugh...)
As always, review, give constructive criticism (regarding any mistakes, please, not the content...:/) but no flames, please!
