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The drive home is a quiet one, I can tell my mom is worried and stressed because she's gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles are scarily poking out of her bony hands. I guess I'm not the only one who's lost a lot of weight during my time in the 'bad place'. My mom is not a prejudiced lady but she keeps giving me these little scared looks as if I might flip out on her and try and grab the wheel or something to kill us both. I guess it can't be easy having a messed up son.
"So what have I missed these past eight months?" I ask, trying to attempt some small talk.
"Um well Jamie got married and is now living in Alabama for some reason, Hank got married too and has a little kid on the way and you're father is still you're father," she sighs glancing at me to see my reaction. "He's out of work at the moment so is now doing a bit of illegal book keeping and betting to raise a little bit of cash."
"Well that's nothing new then," I comment, not being able to help myself.
"Nicky he's doing it because he want to open his own restaurant."
"Whatever, so how's Caroline?" I try, broaching the subject, trying to sound casual.
"She's fine, shall we listen to the radio?" my mom tries.
"Has she asked after me?" I ask, ignoring my mums attempt to change the subject.
"She wants you to get better soon."
That simple sentence is enough to keep me going for the rest of the day so I just smile and turn away from my mom and stare out the window, watching us pass from suburb to suburb until we reach a familiar one otherwise know as our neighbourhood. As she pulls into our driveway I can sense that she is reluctant to go in to the house as she spends around fifteen minutes trying to park. Normally one of the things she can do better than my dad.
When we get inside the first thing I hear is the loud roar of football coming from the TV. I can just imagine my dad sitting in his leather chair, refusing to notice my presence as he eats his traditional game snack of beer and nachos and lines up his three remotes in their correct order to insure that his team win. That's what he was like before so I don't see why he'd be any different just cause I've been away for eight months. However when I walk in the living room he actually turns to look at me, he even gets up and offers me a handshake. I can tell he is reluctant to do all of this but I still appreciate the effort he's making.
"Welcome home son," he smiles awkwardly at me. Offering me one of the beers he has in his hand.
"Thanks dad."
"Aww look at you two this is going to be great!" My mum says with fake optimism clasping her hands together. "You can start fresh and move on, a new chapter in your life."
"You're right Mom and it's gonna get even better when I get back together with Caroline."
My dad drops the remaining beer in his hand and my mom inhales sharply as it hits the floor, smashing into millions of pieces as beer flows around wooden floor seeping into the cracks.
"You mean you haven't told him yet," he hisses at my mom.
"I was just about to tell him," she whispers back angrily.
"Tell me what?" I ask, my gut wrenching as I sense that what they are about to tell me I'm not going to like.
"Nothing honey, I'll tell you later."
"No Mom, what do you have to tell me?"
"Nick I don't think." She starts.
"Tell me," I plead.
"Nicky, sweetie how about we take your stuff to your room and I can tell you there."
Anxiously I perch at the edge of my bed, worried about what news she is going to tell me.
"Nicky I lied before in the car, about Caroline." She says, sitting down next to me and rubbing my shoulder sympathetically.
"What is it?"
"She's moved away for a while so you won't be able to see her at all right now." She pauses briefly, letting me digest what she is saying before continuing. "I'm sorry Nicky but it's probably best anyway because of the law."
"What law?"
"I think we should discuss that later, why don't you let this piece of news sink in."
"What law?" I demand gritting my teeth.
"Nick, Caroline took out a year long restraining order against you after the 'incident' just after you were first taken to the centre. You can't call her or have contact her for another four months."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry Nick."
"No your wrong, that never happened," I say in disbelief.
"It did Nicky, it did."
"No it didn't," I insist. "She didn't move away or get a restraining order against me because she wants us to be together."
"Nicky you have to move on," she softly. "Let her go." "And good riddance," she mutters under her breath. I ignore this last sentence because I'm too busy thinking about what she first said.
"I don't want to, I love her and want to be with her." I say desperately. "And she feels the same, she just needs time to realise that."
"Ok Nicky." I can tell she doesn't believe me and that annoys me but I let it go because I still can't process what she has told me.
My mom pulls me in for a hug but I don't really connect with it like I used to. It's like I'm a completely different person to how I was before. Incapable of giving or receiving love
However during this awkward embrace I suddenly realise that it is Caroline's way of telling me when 'break time' will be over. Just another four months and we can be together again and I will be counting down the days until then.
So because I am feeling good today I manage to push it to the back of my mind and for the rest of the afternoon I decide to continue improving myself to prepare for when 'break time' with Caroline ends by reading her favorite books. I got them out of the local library accompanied by my mom to make sure nothing went wrong. She always asked me to read them so we could talk about them together but I refused. I wish I had been a better husband to her then maybe 'the incident' never would have happened. Then again if it hadn't then I wouldn't be who I am today and I realise now that 'the incident' must be Gods way of testing me.
So I start with Caroline's favourite book: Pride and Prejudice. It's a long book and so towards the end of it my eyelids start feel heavy and scratchy and my hands are aching from holding the book but I have to keep reading the book to the end for Caroline. She always said that in order to truly appreciate a book you have to read it from start to finish in one go. So by the time I finish it it's three o' clock in the morning. I agree with Caroline it is a truly a beautiful well written piece of literature and I remind myself to tell her that the next time I see her. It is about two characters that despite their original differences fall in love and it had a happy ending which is what I liked most about it. It proved that happily ever after does exist even if the book is fiction and it reminded me how I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with Caroline after 'break time' like Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy do.
I am very pleased with myself that I finally managed to read her favourite book and I think how proud she will be when I tell her that I have read it.
As soon as I finish the book I notice the time and decide that it is best to get some sleep for now so I get into my bed, close my eyes and let my dreams take me, ready to spend the whole night dreaming about the woman I love.
