Dear Journal,
I saw Kendall today.
I can't come close to explaining the sensations that overwhelmed me at mere sight of him. It was as if he were a soldier returning home after two years of war, on the frontier with each battle, facing death with each passing moment...Exhilarating, heart-felt, memorable. My stomach leaped to my chest, and all that buzzed across my sudden fuzzy mind was 'him.' Nothing can cloud me more than the thought, sight, and feel of Kendall Francis Knight. I somehow knew that he was experiencing the same as I, because tears trickled the edges of his beautiful jade green eyes. Katie was at his side, holding his hand tight, probably imagining what we'd be doing if I weren't trapped in this place. I grew numb, and remorse for my actions scratched sharply at my heart. I tried soso hard to keep my composure, and luckily, I succeeded.
As he drew close enough, I mouthed his name, and soon then were his arms crushing me to his body. I didn't want it to end. We stood there for what seemed like forever...before my nurse came to inform me to bring them to my table in the back of the cafeteria. We talked, cried, laughed, and sung. Carlos and Logan arrived a little while after, and quickly joined in. It felt like I was home..
And then the bell rang.
Saying goodbye was the worst, because I don't know when I'll see them next. The last I did was four weeks ago...and that's because I lost the privilege to...Not only did I pick a fight with an obnoxious kid in my old group, but I was also checked for anymore self inflictions, and they found some on my abdomen. I don't want to get into anymore details on it...It was a mistake, and I shouldn't have let myself drain of self restraint..
I kissed Kendall, and his hand left mind. I saw him make a fist as he hurried after Carlos, Logan, and Katie...
I want to leave.
I shouldn't have come here in the first place, I shouldn't have done what I did.
Why can't they let me out?
I want to go home, have some soup, play hockey with the guys.
DO SOMETHING!
Now I'm stuck in my room until the dinner bell at 6...it's only 4, which sucks. I'm not hungry. I just...became more fearful of enclosed spaces like this...I can't be in here for long or else I will start panicking...
I guess I'll go read some more, they gave me the book "Life as we Knew it," and I have to say I really enjoy it. Makes me wonder what life would be like if we were in that situation. No electricity, large food shortage, crime- how many people would survive? I bet people would think I couldn't, because of what I've shown myself as...They would have to double-take if they saw what truly I was capable of...Maybe then I would be thought of more seriously.
My thoughts are all over the place. One minute, I believe in myself, the second, I don't. And then I get some stupid idea that I will do greatly one day, and then...it gets ruined by my insecurity and self hate. That's what they need to rid of. My self hate. I'm told only I can do that, but how can I with the things they've been having us do? We play games, have group, have our own individual one on one sessions with or psychologists and psychiatrists. Just because we speak what we feel, doesn't always change what we think of ourselves. I was told by one of the guys, Regine, that the only way to be cleared, is if we act like another person.
But what if we don't want to act anymore? I know I've been doing it for so long, that I started believing in my fake acts, and my lies. It gets hard to keep track of-the lies- and that's normally when I get caught, and need to have an explanation worked out to push people off my back. I'm pretty good at explaining my actions, or simply covering up...
I'm getting bad again.
The tears are burning my eyes, I can barely breathe. There's so much pressure, so much...anxiousness. I don't think it's the walls to blame, it's just me. It's always me. I wouldn't mind being placed on medication. I'm surprised that those fuckers haven't done it yet. Can't they see what I'm going through? CAN'T THEY?
I can't change my thoughts.
I'm suffocating.
I'm fucking drowning.
I need Kendall. God, do I need Kendall.
To kiss him.
Hug him.
Make love to him.
Cry into him.
Hold him.
Be held.
No, I shouldn't be thinking this. I need to be positive.
Alright. Nothing more positive than kittens. Unless they're in a shelter...Fuck... How they look when you make eye contact, it's like they lost their souls...Their hope is diminishing, and any second, they can be euthanized because nobody wants them...
Stop, you're wanted. You're always wanted. Stop fucking thinking otherwise. Grow up. You're 18 years old. You shouldn't be thinking these thoughts. You should be thinking about how wonderful your life will be if you just LET yourself be fucking happy!
I have Kendall.
But what happens when he goes away. He's bound to leave me...
Everyone leaves me...
Why couldn't they have let me die...
I hope you're fucking glad to be letting me write down shit, you fucking pricks. Sucks you can read this, but oh well. Know I haven't changed. Know that your 'therapeutic passage' isn't fucking working.
Want to know what's in my head?
Kill yourself, you are worth nothing to this world. You can't even lift a finger without thinking how useless you are. You should just die, little prick. Stupid. Ugly. Freak. Kill yourself. Die. You have thoughts of hurting others? You should die for that. You complain so fucking much, your vocal cords should be cut, and your eyes gorged out because you can't even appreciate the little things in your life. Just die. Slit your wrist. Let the blood cascade down your arms, portraying a flood wiping out a village. You're so weak to want that. To hurt yourself. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Bite. All that deems you to a path of insanity.
Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch.S Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die. Cut. Burn. Scratch. Die.
Save me
Your fucked up patient,
James
I scrunch my shirt in a fist, as I desperately try to catch my breath. Rage turns my vision red- my journal chucked violently across the room, slamming into the wall with a loud bang, possibly loud enough to be concernedly heard outside in the hall. Suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach as I cry out, hitting the walls, just wanting to rid of this feeling that acted as a parasite within me. My hands become chalked, and soon blood splats across the baby blue that surround me, engulfing me to strict paranoia. I relish in the pain that now shot up my arms to my brain, sending chills spiraling through my entire body. Continuously, I throw punches, hearing cracks every now and then as the bones in my hands began to crumble at the force.
"GET ME OUT! GET ME OUT! SOMEONE, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" As if on queue, nurses flooded my room, grabbing at me. Their cold hands sent me in a bewilder-like rampage, and I flung at them with my fists. One made contact with my African nurse, Ameila, but I didn't realize it. I was too blinded by the emotions that burned me, singing blackness into my heart with each beat of every person in the hospital. Nurse Marie managed to stick me with an anesthetic, and in my panic, I didn't see the black that cornered me until I was out.
I was grateful for it. Maybe now they see.
Oh, I hope they see.
