It looked like snow, but it was warm to the touch, more like ash. It was ash. Shepard rubbed her fingers together, smearing grey on her skin. There was a body lying in the ash, and an impression of movement down slope. It was faceless, nobody. She moved past it, downhill and into a black pool of moonlit water. There was another body; it floated darkly, oozing warmth as she passed. This one looked familiar, the outline clearly Turian, the hard suit a trademark blue.
A sickness worse than any hunger grew in her belly as she walked, then jogged, past the body and out of the moonlit pool. She kept walking, through the trees and out into a clearing of utter devastation. The whole area was dotted with smouldering fires, bodies and wrecked vehicles. The decaying superstructure of an Alliance warship rested on the skyline. Smoke still rose from several of the corpses. Then she spotted Vega's pale, slackly unconscious face, and the blood oozing from the wounds in his chest and head. He was propped up against a tree, rifle lay across his lap.
She walked on. Through the darkness, past burnt out shuttles and rusted shells of armoured trucks. The bodies here were mostly long-decayed, reduced to bleached bones and faded rags that had once been uniforms. It was a place where time had moved forward, where the war had been and gone, where the war had been lost.
A motley uniformed body lay face down on the ground in front of her, purple hints bled through piles of ash. The limbs were spread and the ground around it was pitted with neat holes that ended in blackened craters. Shepard turned the body over with one foot and looked away. Tali's mask was shattered and her dead face stared up at the sky. Her chest had been opened by some close range blast. She looked surprised.
A warm wind came out of the valley in front of her, ruffled the remains of the trees, scattering ash. She heard something like clattering feet behind her and turned, looking through clouds of drifting ash.
A brute was charging at someone some hundred meters away. She blinked and tried to see through the clouds. The brute charged forwards; its warm breath powered out of its mouth and curled in the air. She swore she could feel every shuddering step the creature made. She moved towards the brute but couldn't seem to gain on it. No matter how fast she ran, the battle played out just in front of her.
"Liara" Shepard muttered, her breath coming in great heaving gasps as she realised what was happening.
The Asari sighted down her gun at the brute as it raced towards her, head lowered, clawed feet flinging curves of powdery grey behind it. She fired, but the brute flickered out of existence only to appear in another direction. Liara fired at it until the guns magazine ran out, and then she turned, running for her life. She stopped when she realised she wasn't fast enough and fired a blast of biotic power through a cloud of hazy windblown ash.
There was a scream and a terrible tearing noise, a pair of lightly armoured legs kicked and struggled in the air in front of flashing claws, and then the scream gurgled to nothing.
Shepard closed her eyes as she was filled with a terrible numbness. Her legs folded under her and she collapsed to her knees, falling forward into the ash. She opened her eyes and looked up at the back of the creature. A single, blue arm flopped into the ash beyond the head of the brute.
"Liara" Shepard couldn't find her voice. She stared at the arm lying loose on the ground, watched the fingers clench, then slowly unfold and go limp. There was blood in the ash.
The brute moved, swinging its arm and flinging Liara's body. Shepard gagged. Its arm had pierced the Asari's chest; it protruded from the back of her shattered hard suit for nearly a meter. The ash around them was bright with her blood.
Tears welled in Shepard's eyes, spilled down her face and leaked into the ash, but she couldn't sob. Why couldn't she sob. Countless more dead. She was terrified, alone and hopeless.
Vega left the med bay in a sour mood. He shook his head as the doors slid shut behind him, and made his way through the silence of the ship, pausing when he past the mess.
Shepard was sat, chair pushed slightly away from the mess table, legs outstretched, head tilted back, eyes closed. She was still wearing her greaves, armoured boots and bloodied, torn t-shirt. Her rich auburn hair was matted with blood on one side and plastered to her neck and face, a series of scrapes and burns ran down her right arm. She seemed to be asleep and in some distress, her hands clenching and unclenching, mouth moving, face locked in a frown. He stared at her for a moment and would have walked away if she hadn't let out the most desperate sound he'd ever heard. Shepard could laugh while shooting a Reaper, smile at cuts and bullet wounds, treat a near death experience like it was nothing, but it seemed that sleeping could put fear in her.
"Commander?" Vega walked towards her, his voice quiet "Commander?" She mewled in response but didn't wake. Vega reached up, feeling like he was about to put his hand in the fire, and touched Shepard on the shoulder "Commander?" this time he shook her, surprised when she didn't respond. "Shit" he looked around but couldn't see anyone else on the crew deck "Shepard, wake up" this time he grabbed her arm, mindful of the burns. Her skin was smooth and cool, just like anyone's would have been; he wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. He was about to shake her again when he felt muscles tense under her skin. He looked up and saw bloodshot wild green eyes lock onto his. He didn't have time to process what happened next as she shot up, knocking the chair over, and clamped one of her hands round his jaw, her thumb practically in his mouth, the other was wrapped around his neck, fingers digging painfully into his windpipe.
"Shepard!" He grunted, barely able to get the word out. There was no trace of recognition in those hazy green eyes; there was only a cold, empty, killing look. Vega swallowed and wrapped his hands around Shepard's forearms, trying to prise them loose "Commander!" His voice was more of a rough cough as he choked the words out, his breath coming in desperate gasps. A cold feeling spread from his stomach as he realised the Commander was not going to let go. With a grunt he snarled and thrashed, flailed out with his elbow as he twisted, fighting his way free with a strength borne from desperation, and finally scrambling away, gasping for breath.
Shepard stumbled, grunting and spitting, staring wildly around. She slowly turned to look at Vega, eyes blinking, bleary with sleep.
"Vega...?" she winced and touched her fingers to her bloody mouth. They glared at each other for a moment, neither of them really sure what had happened, and that was when Vega realised he had made a series of very serious mistakes.
"Damn Shepard" he rubbed his neck "You nearly killed me" he spat angrily.
"What the hell were you doing?" Shepard snarled back, eyes still barely focussed.
"I was waking you up" he said, more calmly "You fell asleep, you were..." he trailed off "Looked like you were having a nightmare or something" now he rubbed his face.
Shepard kicked the toppled chair and peered at him "You should have left me" She shook her head and stumbled backwards, swaying.
"Must have been one hell of a dream" Vega watched as Shepard rubbed her eyes. There was a strange set to her face; it wasn't one he was used to seeing on her "You alright Commander?" he asked.
"Yeah" she looked around the mess then back at Vega, wincing at the livid red marks on his face and neck "Sorry Vega, I..." She paused.
"Don't worry about it" he backed slowly away, licking his lips with a nervousness that was anything but feigned. Shepard's eyes rolled towards him, still wild with pain and fear, beads of sweat shining across her forehead. Vega stared into a face he didn't recognise "get cleaned up Shepard" He nodded at her, a slight incline of his head "You look like shit" and with that he turned and left, retreating through the shadowy mess, sweat prickling at his neck and the small of his back.
Shepard watched him go, her heart still racing. She wasn't sure how long she'd been out but she felt sick and her emotions were raw.
"EDI" Shepard barked as she stalked towards the lift.
"Yes commander" dulcet, calm tones rang out on the internal speakers.
"I want every senior crew member in the war room now"
"Yes Commander"
Shepard walked into the war room and scanned the faces. Each of her team was lined up around the central table, faces grim. She hadn't bothered to change because she hadn't had time, and was well aware of the image she presented.
Tevos had expected victory, expected good news, the Alliance had expected the same, but only defeat had whispered. She tried to tell herself that through the course of the war, mostly, she'd won, and she knew she had. But it was only in the moments of defeat, times like these, the instants of paralyses, that made her really think about the outcome. That was when her thoughts returned to darker places, times when she'd failed in the past, a time when she'd died.
The Alliance had taught her that war was impersonal, after all, she was responsible to Alliance command and they could remove her at any time; in the final reckoning then, she really wasn't responsible, they were. And they had taught her that there was never anything personal in a conflict. You never met the leaders of the enemy, they would always be strangers, and only their military habits were familiar. But this war wasn't like that at all, this felt like her war and her enemies, be them the Reapers or Cerberus, knew her far too well.
"What happened on Thessia isn't going to happen again" Shepard spoke softly as she looked around the table "Cerberus got ahead of us, it was a monumental fuck up" she saw Liara and Garrus stiffen and knew one or both of them was about to protest. She raised her hand from the console to silence them, and both of them seemed to settle, their faces set and angry. Shepard stared at EDI and said very evenly, her voice completely controlled "We're going to find them, and we're going to destroy them"
"How the hell do we find them?" Vega's jaw bunched as he absently rubbed the fading marks on his neck.
"There must be someone who knows where they are" Tali said, leaning forward and pondering the galaxy map "A massive organisation like Cerberus doesn't just vanish into nothing!"
There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone in the room realized they had nothing.
"Well this has been enlightening" Joker remarked.
"Actually" Traynor shuffled as she spoke, wringing her hands awkwardly "There is something..." she paused, looking around.
Shepard didn't move an inch although every muscle became rigid, her eyes narrowing on the specialist "What is it Traynor? What do you have?"
"Well, I was able to track the Cerberus shuttle through the relay, and extrapolate the destination" she leant forward and highlighted a route on the galaxy map, she seemed to stop and think for a moment and then looked up at Shepard "But I lost the signal when it entered the Iera system"
"That's a shocker" Vega snorted, waving his hand dismissively.
Shepard ignored him and indicated for Traynor to carry on, sensing there was more.
"Well, we didn't really lose it, the signal is being actively blocked" The specialist stood up a little straighter "I can't tell you how, but something in that system is definitely blocking the Cerberus signal"
"Commander" EDI interrupted "That system is home to sanctuary and nothing else, it's supposed to be a safe haven for war refugees"
Shepard chewed her lip. She was furious and angry at having to stand in a room and discus, at having to leave the fight in the hands of others, of being away from the centre, from knowing what was happening.
"You think it's worth checking out Traynor?" Shepard stared at the specialist.
"Yes ma'am" Traynor nodded, glancing at EDI "I really do"
"Then that's where we're going" Shepard gripped the console "We have a chance here" she looked at her crew "Let's not waste it"
"It's a slim lead Shepard" Liara mumbled quietly, so unlike her usual self.
"More than we had a minute ago" Garrus added.
Shepard leaned forward, her body coiled with tension, when she spoke her voice was low, dangerously low "I want Cerberus" for a moment, she couldn't think through her fury "I want the data and I want the catalyst. This is the last time Cerberus will take anything from me, is that understood?" murmurs of agreement floated back to her "Good, get you kit squared, and be ready. Joker set a course for sanctuary. Dismissed"
Liara had asked EDI where Shepard was twice, and twice the AI had been evasive.
"EDI just tell me" Liara was stood in the CIC, hands on her hips as she glared at the avatar.
"Very well Liara but the Commander asked not to be disturbed by anyone including you" she looked away "she said she was busy"
"What?" Liara frowned, puzzled by the response.
"She is still inside the war room Doctor" EDI replied.
Liara nodded and headed through the door to the briefing area. Shepard hadn't stopped since coming back on board from Thessia. Liara sighed, thinking that the video conference with Admiral Hackett had been particularly hard on the Commander. She'd heard the raised voices from inside the war room where she'd been pacing, trying to calm down, and Shepard had emerged looking drained and distant.
Being on Thessia had been terrifying, but worse than that she felt guilty and responsible, she should have known about the artefact, know about the data it concealed. She desperately wanted to talk to Shepard, to try and explain, but she had suddenly become unavailable and EDI wouldn't tell her why.
With a sigh she made her way into the war room but as she approached the rear conference room, she froze.
Shepard was stood bathed in the blue light of the vidcom, her t-shirt held up loosely in one hand as Traynor cleaned the leaking shrapnel wound on her side. The flickering image of Admiral Anderson stood in front of them, his eyes dark with concern.
"I only ever wanted to be a solider" Shepard winced and Traynor apologised "But that all ended with that fucking beacon" She looked at the Admiral's face.
"Listen R..." he paused, glancing at the specialist and then back to Shepard who smirked at him, he'd almost used her first name "Put this behind you, don't lose your confidence. Remember what I said to you all those years ago during your N7 selection?"
"Yes" Shepard glanced at Traynor, green eyes meeting rich brown for a few seconds before she looked back at the holographic image.
"Confidence is key. An average confident leader can command, an average unconfident leader can't" He smiled thoughtfully "and you've never been average"
"That was a long time ago" Shepard mumbled, wincing again as Traynor smoothed on a line of medigel.
"Any regrets?" Anderson asks quietly.
"Yeah, a few, you?"
"Yeah, a few" He sighed, taking his hat off and rubbing his head.
"How bad is it down there?" Shepard asked.
"Unspeakable"
"Shit" Shepard looked away.
"Take it easy Shepard" Anderson replaced his hat and looked at her "we'll still be here for a while yet" he looked as if he wanted to say more but instead he nodded and reached out, touching something on the console in front of him that made his image fade.
Shepard straightened up, biting her lip as the motion sent pain lancing through her side.
"Commander" Traynor admonished as she used a small gauze pad to remove some of the excess medigel.
Liara stepped into the small space feeling like the awkward observer she was. Her brow creased with worry when she saw the state of the wound on Shepard's side and the collection of soiled and discarded gauze on the floor.
"You should be in the medical bay" she announced as Shepard's surprised green gaze tracked to hers "Again"
"I can't" Shepard's face was pale, forehead beaded with sweat "Chakwas will relieve me from duty, at least temporarily"
"Then so be it" Liara snapped harshly as she approached.
"Liara..."
"Don't" The Asari cut her off, but was surprised to see Shepard actually look off balance as a fleeting shadow of pain passed over her expression. Without thinking she moved closer and took hold of the Commanders free hand, gently entwining their fingers.
If Traynor noticed the intimate gesture, she didn't show it "Liara" the specialist waited for Liara to look at her "The wound has just reopened, it isn't deep enough for any surgical procedure now" she forced herself to look away from the Asari's piercing stare "Doctor Chakwas won't do anything that I haven't done" she steadfastly occupied herself by taping a square of sterile gauze over the wound.
"You're sure Specialist?" Liara asked quietly.
"Positive" Traynor replied, running her fingers over the taught abdomen, wincing in sympathy at the steady line of bruising creeping up the Commanders side and disappearing under her t-shirt.
Liara looked up to green eyes dilated and dark with pain, and her composure slipped as she brushed her fingers tenderly through a few loose strands of Shepard's hair.
"I'll be fine" Shepard said, a smile flickering on her face for just a second "I just need to lie down" she blew out a breath and tried to straighten once more.
"Commander" Traynor warned again, this time more harshly.
Liara wanted to stay, wanted to make sure Shepard was alright, but she had so much to do, so much to organize for her people. She met Shepard's eyes and nodded "Get some rest Shepard" she whispered as she stepped away, releasing the Commanders hand and putting distance between them "specialist please make sure the Commander actually gets to her cabin"
"I will" Traynor glanced between them.
Liara made a motion as if to speak but stopped, chewing her lip as she contemplated. With gentle shake of her head she turned and left, making it only several feet outside the war room before she stopped, leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes, taking a few deep, calming breaths. It suddenly felt like everything was coming apart.
It seemed like days had passed since Shepard had left the war room, but it had barely been more than an hour. She'd showered, changed and fallen into an uncomfortable, hazy doze, unable to concentrate on the act of real sleep. Eventually she'd given up and now found herself stood outside Liara's door.
Shepard used her omni tool to override the lock and stepped into the darkened room. The central area was in shadow, the monitors were turned off and glyph was powered down. Shepard walked towards the bed where Liara was lay, a collection of data pads surrounding her. There was enough light coming from a lone bedside lamp to illuminate their faces as they regarded one another silently, the air heavy between them.
"Commander?" Liara said quietly from the darkness. Her voice was hoarse, blue eyes red rimmed "You seem to have developed a habit of breaking into my room" she sighed "Did you need something?"
"Not really"
"Then I'll leave the lights off"
Shepard made her way to the side of the bed and eased down onto the edge, reaching out for Liara's hand "I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to worry you"
"How are you feeling now?"
"Much better" Shepard hesitated "Hurts a little but I heal quickly, you know that"
"Yes, I know, is that all?" Liara replied sharply, taking her anger at her situation out on the one person she knew she shouldn't. She sat up against the pillows, shifting so she was facing Shepard.
"No" Shepard said softly, circling her thumb in the palm of Liara's hand "I came here because I couldn't sleep and my cabin felt empty"
Liara's heart rate picked up but she ignored it. Shepard was trying to distract her but she was not going to let her bodies response ruin her chain of thought "I didn't know about the artefact" she said quietly "I should have known, I let you down Shepard, I failed my people"
Shepard sighed "No you didn't" The despair in the Asari's eyes was overwhelming "You can't hold yourself responsible for any part of this" she reached up, her fingertips glancing over Liara's shoulder and running along her jaw "There are so many things we could have done differently to have avoided this outcome"
"Goddess Shepard I..." Liara paused and seemed to consider what she'd said "Goddess?" she laughed harshly, taking hold of Shepard's hand in hers to stop the wandering fingertips "I wonder what secrets other temples hide"
Shepard was undeterred by the warm fingers wrapped around hers, and leaned forward, brushing her lips over the edge of Liara's jaw "You're being too hard on yourself" she mumbled "This was not your failure Liara"
Liara ignored the low rumbling of desire that began to burn through her "I know what you're doing Shepard, you are trying to distract me" her voice sounded distant "But if this was not my failure then it wasn't yours either"
"No" Shepard moved her mouth a fraction of an inch closer to the sweet little hollow at the base of Liara's neck "I spent years trying to get my own people to listen to me. At separate times its cost me both my life and my career, but could I have done more to prevent this whole war? It still feels like it" She was leaning over the Asari now as she whispered "When things like this happen, It feels like it's all coming to bits doesn't it? But you can't let this limit you Liara"
"Shepard I can't just brush this aside" Liara said angrily "Every time I close my eyes I see the sky burning, my home crumbling, and so much death"
"You wouldn't be able to brush it aside even if you wanted to, trust me" Shepard took Liara's hand and kissed her fingers "But there isn't any death here"
Liara turned away, struggling to resist the pull of Shepard's words and the warmth of her delicate, persistant touch "I don't want to leave my people" She protested, her voice breaking.
Shepard kissed Liara's throat "I know, I didn't want to leave Earth either" she ran her fingers down the Asari's chest.
Liara moaned, unable to control the surge of desire as Shepard moved closer "Shepard, I'm not strong enough, I'm not a soldier" she tried to pull away but her voice was laced with need, and something Shepard didn't recognized.
Shepard worked the fastenings loose on Liara's jacket and the Asari didn't make a move to stop her "You're the strongest person I know" green eyes dimmed dark with desire focused on blue ones "Soldier or not, times like these are when you get the measure of yourself" Shepard worked the fabric down over Liara's shoulders "You can't allow the weak, frightened part of you to win" she tugged at the jacket, pulling it free to reveal an expanse of blue skin that begged to be touched. She ran her hand down the length of Liara's body, over her abdomen, down over the taught muscles of her thigh and back up the inside of her leg.
"Shepard..." Liara moved back, her eyes closing as she sucked in a breath. She wanted to be lost for a while. Not to think, not to struggle, not to mourn "I..." She raised one arm and wrapped it around the Commanders shoulder; threading her fingers through the thick hair at the base of her neck "I'm sorry" she opened her eyes and looked into Shepard's face.
"You know what I think?" Shepard took hold of Liara's shoulders gently and pushed her down onto the bed, moving above her.
"What?" Liara found a ghost of a scar on Shepard's forehead with the very tip of her thumb, traced the line of it down her cheek to the corner of her mouth. She'd never noticed it before as it weaved between distinctive freckles and she frowned, wondering how many other tiny landmarks she'd missed. She sighed and closed her eyes again; all she was aware of was the heat pouring from Shepard's body and the demanding press of her mouth. Shepard's kiss was anything but gentle, but she was wild and vibrant and everything that Liara needed.
"I think we should stop apologizing to each other" Shepard murmured against the Asari's lips, smiling when blue eyes opened and changed to pools of black.
A fractured wash of images skittered across the Asari's mind as she reached out to Shepard's. Vega, pale and dying alone; Garrus floating in the cold darkness, Tali blasted and burnt, fragile body destroyed, and finally her own body crumpled in the ash, speared through. She thought about what Shepard had said to her when she'd entered her cabin. I couldn't sleep, and now she knew why. The sudden reality of all they had at risk swept over her, and she drove her hands into Shepard's hair, clenching her fists in the rich auburn locks as she arched into the Commanders body, desperately needing the closeness. Needing the connection.
A moan that might have been a cry caught in Shepard's throat and she wrenched her head away from the kiss, baulking at the memory of her own nightmares, horrified that they had bled through in the meld.
"It's ok" Liara's voice was rough as she twisted Shepard's face back to her own, pressing her lips to the wild heartbeat in her throat "It's all right" she murmured.
Shepard stilled as the Asari undid the zip on her fatigue jacket until it lay open, exposing a strip of flesh down the centre of her body. She shuddered as fingertips edged beneath the fabric but she couldn't shake the nightmare from her mind.
"Shepard" Liara said in an almost conversational tone "Trust me"
Shepard stared down at the Asari, her face a mask of concentration as if she was pondering over some difficult equation. She let out a long breath and then nodded slightly, just the barest tilt of her head "I do" and then she kissed Liara, and kept kissing her until there was nothing left in her mind but thoughts of her.
