Last real nothing chapter before the downward spiral to the end of the game. There will probably not be too much down time for the crew from this point on, so I thought I should make use of it while I can and explore some of the more thoughtful sides of Commander Shepard. Also, after this point there will be some key diversions from the plot because I had many issues with the game ending. Once again, thank you all for sticking with this and for the reviews and feedback. I haven't had a lot of time to reply/respond due to commitments but rest assured I will after Monday when my schedule has calmed down.


Shepard leaned her forehead against the glass of the observatory window, watching the darkness go by. In one hand she held a steaming mug, whilst the other was tucked into a sling across her chest. She'd never really adjusted to the feel of permanent night you got when being on ship, the sensation of ploughing constantly through a swamp of black, surrounded by metal. Occasionally the view would change to complete darkness, then dull light, then dots, then shafts of light and then darkness again. It was ever changing, but not interesting, not the type if changing light you wanted to watch like you would watch a kaleidoscope. It was strange and almost unnatural, but for some reason right now she couldn't tear her gaze away from the black expanse, a darkness deeper than darkness, and wonder about the Reapers.

She sighed, feeling suddenly lost and immersed in a deeper despair than she had ever known, with no way out. Her fingers shifted on the handle of the mug, her hand stiffening as the knuckles turned white.

"You're going to blow that glass out if you're not careful Commander" Vega muttered as he slouched impossibly lower in his chair and lit his cigar using his biotics.

"I wish you wouldn't do that" Shepard turned slightly, eyeing the marine.

"Do what?" Vega smirked, absently chewing the cigar "Smoke, drink or use my abilities so casually" he laughed.

Shepard shook her head and wandered over to the seat opposite him, dropping down and kicking her booted feet up onto the low table. Vega grumbled and tried to move some of his playing cards out of the way.

"What the hell are you playing anyway Vega?" She glanced at the card strewn table and then back at Vega. He wasn't the most tidy of players and cards were scattered over most of the table, including the area in front of her. For some reason he'd weighted some of the hands down with empty glasses, adding to the general look of confusion. With a wave of his hand he started lifting cards, mumbling to himself as if he'd lost something.

"I'm playing poker" He replied absently.

"On your own?" Shepard smirked.

Vega exhaled another cloud of smoke, his eyes wide and glassy "Yeah" he drew out the word "Hell Lola, I'm too drunk to remember what my other three hands are" he leant over towards her, lifting a few cards by her feet and pulling back, nose wrinkling "What the hell is that shit you're drinking?"

"This?" Shepard waved the mug at him.

"Yeah, that, damn reeks"

"I don't know what it is" She looked down at the mug and then shrugged, wincing at the pain the motion caused "It's some sort of Asari herb drink, it tastes amazing"

"It stinks"

"Well yeah, but..."

"No way" Vega cut her off, waving his hand "Would that be getting anywhere near my mouth"

Shepard snorted "I'm sure you've had worse things in your mouth Lieutenant"

He took another deep inhale and blew the smoke into her face "Well that's for me to know Lola" he leant forward and swatted her feet off the table with the back of his hands "Now get off my damn cards" he rumbled, laughing as he reset the hands on the table.

Shepard crossed her legs and leant back in the chair, cradling her arm against her stomach as she looked up at the ceiling.

"You ok boss?" Vega asked, not looking up from his cards.

"Yeah, I'm just so fucking tired"

"Yeah" he picked a card from his hand and lay it face up on the table "I hear you" he paused for a minute and then finally looked at Shepard "When all this shit's finished, you reckon I could enter the N7?"

Shepard looked at the marine with honest surprise "That what you want Vega?"

Vega shrugged "Yeah I really do" he took another deep breath "You think I have what it takes?"

Shepard smiled a little sadly and nodded "Yeah, but really Vega" she ran her fingers through her hair "You've seen all this shit, all the junk I have to put up with and you still want this?"

Vega just laughed "hell Lola, that's why I want it!" he threw another card down on the table "Why'd you want to do it?"

"Because I was a lost kid trying to find out who I was" Shepard wished she had a stronger drink as she met the dark eyes of the big marine "Being in the Alliance, in the N7 program, motivated me to succeed when all I'd ever done before was fail. I wanted to be an officer" she paused and smiled a little "the best officer, more than anything in the world and in striving for it, I assimilated it and it became part of my identity. I became N7"

"Fuck that" Vega threw his cards out "You became Commander Shepard, saviour of the Citadel, face of the Alliance" he laughed and Shepard groaned.

"That damn advertising campaign" She shook her head.

"Don't knock it, that's why half the current Alliance signed up" he grinned.

"Shit Vega, way to make me feel old" Shepard sighed and turned to look back at the black expanse beyond the windows.

"You ever regretted it?" Vega asked as he leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he took a huge drag on the cigar.

"Not really" Shepard turned to him, watching as his blunt fingers prodded at the cards on the table. After a few minutes of silence his eyes finally met hers and she caught a fleeting wash of a familiar pain "I do regret what it's done to my friends, the people who care about me"

"How so?" Vega shook his head, his face was red with heat, his forehead moist with perspiration.

"Being a solider is a selfish job Vega. You put yourself in danger knowing full well you could die, and you ignore the effect that will have on the people around you" she paused, pondering her next words "I didn't think twice about my life when I died, but coming back from that.." she shook her head "I never realised how badly I messed up, how much my death effected people, even people I didn't know, and that's my only real regret, my selfishness" looking at Vega she smiled, a little sadly "Just remember that" She put her head back and looked at the ceiling, her eyes closing. She was suddenly back in her barrack room, back in Rio at the start of her N7 training.

In the middle of the night, standing in the window staring out at the Atlantic crashing onto the beach, wondering what the hell she was doing in such an alien place. Watching onyx waves rippling in toward the shore, cresting white with foam, pawing towards her then vanishing into the sponge sand. She had no idea why she'd come, why she wanted this, but twelve days later - after an eight day exercise - she knew. She remembered that night, sitting on a huge expanse of rock, savouring the view as her patrol nestled in around her. The ancient statue of Cristo Redentor looked down on her, arms spread as benediction flowed silently from stone lips. Two of her soldiers were asleep whilst one kept communications watch. Dusk arrived and the landscape morphed to a red and purple urban jungle. Her stomached pitched and groaned because they'd ran out of rations over a day ago, but the view of the city and the ocean heartened them all and her primary thought was that she was getting paid to see this, and that life didn't get any better.

"That was a long time ago" Shepard opened her eyes and had to snort back a laugh at the sight of Vega, fast asleep, sitting upright in his chair. She stood up, stretched her good arm above her head and walked over to him. With a sigh she reached down and removed the cigar from his loose fingers, extinguishing it on the table. Even in repose he didn't look relaxed and his hand twitched where it rested against his thigh. He reminded Shepard of her younger self and she could only hope he would live to see the end of this war.


Liara walked slowly down the steps into the war room. The lights were almost all off and the space was mostly illuminated by the holographic display in the centre of the room. Shepard was leant over one of the consoles, one hand keying in various commands as her gaze stayed fixed on the display.

Liara watched silently as a holographic Normandy darted out from a squadron of ships, its weapons pouring into a Reaper destroyer, driving like a wedge at a group of enemy ships whilst the other Alliance ships converged on another destroyer in a loose battle formation. Then it happened. The Normandy twisted, skittered away from the squadron, its nose exploding under the weight of enemy firepower.

Shepard tapped two fingers on her bottom lip and then reset the display, spreading her fingers over the console as she poured over the readout. Liara could hear the Commander breathing, tense and urgent.

"Shepard?" She announced her presence, watching as the corner of Shepard's mouth curved up into a smile. Illuminated by nothing but the murky orange light of the holographic display, she looked wild and remote.

"I wondered how long you were going to stand there" Now Shepard looked at her.

"Do you want me to leave?" Liara asked quietly.

Shepard raised one eyebrow as she answered "No" she gestured towards the newly reset holo display "I was running simulations before we hit Chronos Station"

"Unsuccessful simulations by the looks of it" Liara moved until she was stood next to Shepard and mimicked her pose. They stood silently, side by side, leaning across the console and watching as holographic ships appeared in front of them. It was oddly serene.

"They are worst case scenario simulations, I'm not really even sure why I'm running them" Shepard said musingly, staring straight ahead "I couldn't sleep, I was too busy planning what to say for Miranda's ceremony tomorrow" she turned her head to study Liara "What are you doing up so late?"

"Nothing" Liara shrugged one shoulder "I was restless" she paused and took a deep breath "I went to your cabin but obviously it was empty" she regarded Shepard intently, her eyes were dark in the low light, her gaze pensive "How is your arm feeling?" Liara nodded at the sling.

"It's alright, I'm only wearing this to appease the Doctor, she insisted" Shepard murmured "You went to my cabin?"

"Is that a problem?"

"No, not at all. Actually now you're here I need you to do something for me" Shepard stopped and leaned closer to the Asari "Meet me in the shuttle bay in ten minutes?" she smiled at the curious look the Asari gave her.

"Why?"

"Please?"

"Alright" Liara nodded as Shepard walked past her, their bodies brushing lightly together. The Asari watched her leave, wondering what exactly it was she was plotting.


Liara walked into the shuttle bay with a frown on her face. Shepard was stood next to the weapons bench and as she walked over her frown deepened.

"Please tell me you did not get me down here to show me that?" she indicated the rusted weapon that lay on the bench with a wave of her hand.

"That" Shepard said with a smirk "Is a classic M37 assault rifle, pre contact war" she sighed "But it isn't working"

"Shepard" Liara said slowly "That is hardly surprising, it belongs in a museum. We make pistols more powerful than that now"

"What?" Shepard smiled at the Asari but managed to look genuinely insulted "It's beautiful" she said, taking up the gun and flourishing it. She ran her fingers over the darkly cluttered side and gave an admiring growl "I mean look at it, it just looks powerful"

Liara shook her head "So you got me down here to show me a gun?" She glanced from the weapon back to Shepard "Really Shepard?"

"Alright" Shepard grumbled like a petulant child "I'll put it away" Shepard laid the rifle back on the bench and gently freed her other arm from the sling, lifting the fabric over her head and placing it down on the bench. She was painfully aware of the Asari studying her every move "Follow me" Shepard jerked her head in the direction of the far wall and walked out into the shuttle bay.

The bay was bigger than you'd expect for a ship the Normandy's size but its ceiling was oppressive and low. The space felt bitter cold and smelt of oil and smoke. Shepard shivered and stuck her hands in her pockets as she crossed the bay's width, her boots clicking along the floor ominously in comparison to the softer footfalls of the Asari behind her. When she reached the far wall of the bay she stopped and pulled her hands out of her pockets. She looked down at a metal chest that was nestled against the wall, its stainless steel finish embedded with a line of smooth wood and whorls of etching.

"Shepard?" Liara whispered looking down at the chest "What is it?"

Shepard crouched down and lifted the lid off the chest. There was a single glyph on the inside of the lid and several lines of script in a language that Liara didn't recognize, but when Shepard lifted out a single moulded piece of hard suit, her face radiated joy "I know you'll hate it" Shepard said as she stood up and ran her fingers over the back plate "But I also know there is nothing I can do to keep you off the front line, and there is no way in hell you're going out there without a proper hard suit" she handed the silver and metallic grey plate to Liara who was looking at it with a strange mix of wonder and surprise.

"I..." Liara ran her fingers over the cool material. It was more than a gift, it was a necessity, but it symbolised so much more. Shepard had no intention of leaving her behind "Thank you"

Shepard laughed roughly, the sound raspy as if she was out of practice "I didn't expect you to thank me, but I do expect you to wear it"

Blue fingers trailed along the edges of the unexpectedly thin, metallic looking plate "Where did you get it? These suits are custom built Shepard, will this even fit?"

"Does it matter where I got it?" Shepard reached out and removed the back plate from the Asari's fingers, depositing it gently back in the chest "And of course it will fit" Now Shepard grinned "Do you forget just how well I know you Doctor?" She was charmed to see the vague hint of a blush on Liara's face "We'll try it, take your jacket off"

"Here?" Liara glanced around the shuttle bay.

Shepard shrugged and stepped towards Liara placing her hands on the Asari's shoulders and turning her so they faced one another. Holding Liara's gaze she lowered her hands and undid the zip on the front of her jacket. She drew the back of her fingers up, along the inside of her arms and insinuated her palms under the shoulders, lifting the fabric and lowering it smoothly down Liara's arms until it fell to ground. The Asari wore nothing but a standard issue Alliance jump suit underneath and when Shepard looked up she was captured by piercingly intelligent, dilated blue eyes.

"Wait" Shepard said huskily as she turned to the chest and busied herself by laying out the biggest sections of the hard suit in the correct order. When she finished, she turned around and resumed the process of undressing the Asari "You alright?" Shepard asked as she knelt deliberately, feeling the Asari's hands move to her shoulders as she gently undid the zip of her trousers and worked them down over her hips. Lowering them enough for Liara to kick free of her boots and step out of her trousers.

"Perfect" Liara held Shepard's gaze as she stood up, already missing the warmth of her strong, sensitive hands. There was a tender expression in her soft green eyes, and without conscious thought Liara reached up and ran her fingers through thick, tousled red hair. A muscle bunched in the Commanders jaw and Liara recognized it for what it was. Shepard was riding the fine edge of her control.

"Ah" Shepard took a step back "No touching, I can't think when you touch me"

Liara smiled at that and watched as Shepard's gaze became intent, her only focus the hard suit. She fitted each segment precisely, the glimmering surface catching the murky shuttle bay light and causing stuttering reflections on the walls. Nimble, rapid fingers pulled plates together, buckled straps and gently easer her limbs to where would best help with the fitting. In a few minutes Liara was expertly fastened into her protective shell.

Shepard stepped back and scrutinised her work. After a second she nodded and looked up "How's it feel?"

Liara stretched out her arms and then rapped her knuckles against the thigh plate. Protection. Her mouth curved up in a smile she couldn't conceal as she admired the delicate blue lines and patterns that decorated the stomach and arms. She stepped forward, feeling the fit of the greaves to her calf muscles as she shifted, beginning to move with her as if the suit was a part of her body, part of herself.

"It feels good" Liara looked up to see Shepard smiling "It fits perfectly" She shook her head "It must have cost a fortune"

Shepard shrugged "It might have" then she looked away for a moment. She had decided that the best place for Liara when they eventually reached Earth, would be the Normandy, and that ordering her to stay behind would be the best way to protect her. But she also knew that Liara would never forgive her, and she couldn't live with that "It's the most I can do to protect you" Shepard sighed.

"You were going to leave me behind" It wasn't a question and Liara saw the truth in Shepard's face as she flinched at the words "On the Normandy"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"It's the safer option"

"What changed your mind?"

"You did" Shepard shook her head, exasperated "You are more of a soldier than most soldiers I've met" For some reason committing her thoughts to words made it worse, and she felt a wash of responsibility and sadness for the innocent Asari scientist that might have existed if it hadn't of been for a chance meeting all those years ago.

"Somehow I find that hard to believe"

"I don't" Shepard shifted her weight from one foot to the other and looked at Liara "I'll tell you why. Out of every hundred soldier's I've worked with, ten or maybe fifteen will know what to do when the shit hits the fan, without being told. It's either good training or damn good instincts. The rest will fight because someone else has trained them and told them where to be and what to do. Out of that, a few will always run around clueless now matter what they've been told" She shrugged again "I've watched you, you're a natural, one of the few that I'd pick and say 'you're my next in charge" Shepard waved her hand to forestall a protest "I mean it Liara, and the truth is, as much as I want to be selfish and keep you out of harm's way, I need you with me. I can't imagine getting through this otherwise"

Shepard looked like she always did, totally in control, although there was a tremor of something just beneath the surface, as if she was too controlled, like something might snap. Liara didn't have any words, so instead she moved forwards, closing the distance between them as she slid her fingers into Shepard's hair and kissed her, slowly.


Shepard eyed the gathered crowd, a swath of navy blue uniform, golden buttons and shined shoes. Three deep in places, all non essential crew were present, arched around the board of names, heads low, faces solemn.

She had chosen not to wear her dress blues, she didn't think that Miranda would have approved. In fact, she was pretty sure Miranda would have found this entire event hilarious.

With a sigh Shepard ran her fingers over the name plate in her hands and looked up. The crew deck was quiet and dignified as the crowd shared the reality of war. This was the silent grieving truth, the black seam that ran through everything, the real, living and enduring hurt caused by the instantaneous decisions made in a battle.

If this had been a full Alliance funeral there would have been prayers, a lament and the last post. But here, all there was, was a name.

"One name" Shepard mumbled as she lifted the plaque into place on the wall and smoothed her fingers across the letters "I know it's just one name" She spoke louder this time, so the crew could hear "And to pay respects to just one name when the casualty lists are in the millions every day seems..." she paused, trying to convey her feelings and realizing she was failing "wrong almost" She stumbled on, an emotion coming to her that she had long thought dead inside herself "But she was one of mine" her voice was brave, but it seemed to crack with age although tears were impossible and sorrow seemed beyond her. She hadn't deliberately recalled Miranda's death since it had happened; it had been enough to know that each time she slept she would replay those last seconds on the floor of a filthy lab, feeling her slip away. It would be another memory to wake her up in the night, brow damp, pulse racing. She took a deep breath "I'm not going to make this into a big ceremony, because she would have hated that, all I have to say is that I owed her my life and she deserved more. It's true what they say, It is only the dead who have seen the end of war" Shepard shifted uncomfortably for a moment and then indicated the plates of food laid out on the mess tables behind them "Now go" she waited, watching as the crowd dispersed.


Traynor was completely certain that the Commander was drunk, although she was hiding it well. The specialist watched as the Commander walked through a small circle of crew, with Liara next to her, looking remarkably like an official conducting the affairs of state. Stood together they were as different as night and day. Liara was exquisite and exotic with the natural grace and delicacy of her species. Shepard had a darkly forbidding, mysterious composure and broodingly potent gaze. They were a fearsome combination and the specialist turned away for fear of being caught staring.

She took a deep breath and looked around, most of the crew were stood surrounding the mess tables, some sat down on seats laughing and joking, some sat on the floor sharing plates of food.

Traynor sipped on her drink feeling remarkably antisocial as she avoided everyone who looked remotely interested in talking to her. With a sigh she turned and went to leave, surprised as the Commander caught her eye and signalled for her to join them. With a smile Traynor wandered over and was even more surprised as the Commander reached out and shook her hand. Her grip was warm and strong. She was most definitely drunk.

"Specialist" Shepard said, her voice husky from the alcohol "Glad you could join us" She stood relaxed but formal, her wild green eyes inspecting her.

"I'm very sorry for your loss Commander" She watched a fleeting wave of pain wash over Shepard's face "I'm also sorry that I never got the chance to meet Miss Lawson"

Shepard laughed, her exquisitely tangled hair falling across her eyes "Don't be sorry for that" Her voice poured over Traynor "I'm sure you would have hated her" Liara made a startled noise and shook her head at Shepard, smirking slightly.

"Oh" Traynor mouthed and looked away, not quite sure what to say to that.

Shepard smiled broadly "I have never worked with anyone I've disagreed with more" her smile faded "But there have only been a handful of people I've trusted with my life, and she was one of them"

"Shepard..." Liara murmured, reaching out and laying her hand on the small of the Commanders back. The gentle intimacy in the Asari's tone almost made Traynor blush and she shifted uncomfortably.

"Still" Traynor said quietly "I hope I don't have to attend many more of these"

"Yes" Shepard replied on a sigh "Me too. So" She paused "How have found your time on the Normandy so far?"

Traynor chanced a small laugh, aware that the Commander was being far more formal than usual in the company of the entire crew "It's been an experience so far Commander"

"An experience?" Shepard asked, smiling and frowning at the same time "Would that be a good experience or a bad one?"

Traynor cleared her throat "Both, sometimes even both at the same time but I'm sure you have bigger things to deal with than the details of how I feel Commander" She stuttered, nervous under the Commanders intense gaze.

"Maybe" Shepard replied "But details matter don't you think? Sometimes what appear to be utterly inconsequential actions have the most enormous results. Chance makes the casual momentous, Traynor, details are always important"

Traynor glanced round at the crew, most of whom were pretending not to look at them "I suppose you're right" she sipped her drink and surveyed the Commander over the rim of her glass. Apart from the healing welt in her lip and faint smudge of bruising under her hairline, she looked more relaxed than the specialist had seen her in a long time, and she wondered how just how much of it was an act for the crew.

"You will have to forgive the Commander" Liara leant forward conspiratorially "She does have a tendency to speak in epigrams when drunk" The Asari smiled, the barest twitch of her lips and Traynor nearly choked on her drink, coughing loudly and trying not to laugh at the thinly veiled outrage on the Commanders face.

"I'm not drunk Doctor" Shepard replied "Well, not yet anyway" she looked down, a faux sad expression on her face.

Traynor suppressed a giggle as the Commander began to smile, revealing perfect teeth. She had a brief, lightheaded, revelatory feeling that she could very easily fall in love with the idea of Commander Shepard.

"Well" Shepard reached over and removed the glass of pink liquid from Liara's fingers and before the Asari could protest, downed the drink in one go, coughing a little as the alcohol burnt the back of her throat "I think I've had quite enough of the jokes at my expense already"

"But Commander" Liara said, accepting the empty glass back and frowning at it "We have hardly started"

Shepard gave her a raised eyebrow and snagged another drink from a passing crew member "Privilege of rank" she muttered turning back to Traynor "You should try and relax a bit more specialist, once we've stopped for supplies we may not get much more down time" She rolled the dark liquid around in her glass then held it up to the light frowning.

"I understand Commander" Traynor watched as Shepard nudged Liara and nodded at the glass 'does this look alright to you?' she mumbled. Traynor sipped her drink, fascinated by the interaction "What exactly was in that glass Liara?" She asked. The Commanders eyes were decidedly glassier and a fine mist of perspiration covered her face.

"An Asari beverage" Liara shook her head as Shepard held the glass out in front of her, still frowning at it "I did try to warn her"

"Really" Shepard made a tutting noise and held the glass to her ear, flicking the rim gently with one finger, an extreme look of concentration on her face "Something doesn't seem quite right with this drink"

"Oh give me that" Liara said exasperated, and in a reversal of roles she took the glass from Shepard, put it to her lips and drained it. Almost immediately her face creased into a sour expression "Goddess that was horrible" she covered her mouth with her hand and grimaced.

"Well I knew that" Shepard said, looking annoyed.

"Shepard" Liara said as she glanced at the specialist "Just how drunk are you really?"

"Disgustingly" Shepard accepted the empty glass from the Asari and looked down at it.

"I think on that note, I'll get myself another drink" Traynor mumbled, trying very hard not to laugh as she stepped out from between the pair and backed away towards the mess tables. The crew around her seemed content despite the sombre purpose of their gathering. It was as if they were celebrating somehow, acknowledging their own individual survival. It felt wholesome but tainted, despite everything though, in the back of her mind Traynor couldn't help but think of this as the calm before a very catastrophic storm.


Edited Thanks to Planetar ;)