Why am I feeling so guilty?
Why am I holding my breath?
Worry 'bout everyone but me
I just keep losing myself
Katniss
I spent the next days hiding in my room, buried underneath my blanket. Greasy and Hazelle kept visiting me, they brought me something to eat and made me drink some water. Even Haymitch came to visit me but after I had told him about my encounter with Peeta, he left the room without another word. I felt miserable and if I had learned anything in District 13 then, that I could allow myself to be as miserable as I liked. I no longer had to pretend to be stronger than I was. My mom and Prim were gone. There was no one left for whom I had to be strong. I had buried my pride a long time ago, back then when they had locked me up in my old tribute room in the Capitol, after I had killed Coin. It felt like it was centuries ago. Still naked, I wrapped myself up in the fresh linen Hazelle had put on my bed. After everything I had put her family and mostly Gale through, she still looked after me. So when I softly called her name, I had heared her downstairs, she immediately came up to me and helped me prepare a bath.
I was still so unused to the sight of running water that I spent minutes just letting it run over my fingers until the tub nearly overflowed. Outside a warm and bright summer day was waiting and after I had some rich bread and a cup of fresh milk I kind of felt human again. By now the supply between the districts worked better than ever. Mostly, as I assumed, because Gale and Beetee had their fingers in it. I knew Gale would never stop taking care of District 12 and me, though I didn't dare asking Hazelle if she knew where he was or what he did. I felt cowardly but I had no idea what it would do to me if someone would confirm that he did love someone else. That was selfish and no one deserved to be loved as much as Gale, but he still was my Gale and I loved him in a way, as I would never love anyone else again. It just wasn't enough. I couldn't love him the way he needed it and he didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. He was this warm fire I wanted to curl up in front and hold on to so I would never get cold. But it wasn't fair to just love him for that. There was only one man who could give me the love I craved so dearly. But at the moment I didn't even know if he was able to stand me at all, let alone love me. I decided that wailing and sliding into self-pity wouldn't help and decided to face my fears and conquer back my forest once and for all. That was my forest. My home and I wanted it back. For the first time in forever I felt something like determination and wanted to use it. I got dressed, pants, T-shirt and my beloved leather boots. I grabbed my dad's hunting jacket and trotted scurried down the stairs. The sound seemed to irritate Greasy and she stuck her head out the kitchen door. "Katniss dear, what are you up to?" She asked, her eyes lightening up, because she recognized a spark of my old self in that broken puppet I had become.
"I'm going to the woods, shall I bring you something?" I asked cheerfully. I felt as light as I hadn't in a long time. "Oh do bring Strawberries dearest. If you can find some, Peeta could make a fine cake with them." I slowed down and fought against the gaping hole in my chest. Peeta. Just hearing his name hurt. "Sure, if I find some." I smiled and kissed her on the cheek. Then I grabbed two thick slices of bread and a bottle of water and stuffed both in my hunting bag. At the door I stopped and took my bow off the hook. With a soft buzzing it came alive in my hands. It almost sounded as if he was pleased to see me again. I caressed the smooth fabric with a sad smile and wrapped it over my shoulder. Then I picked up my quiver and counted the arrows. 13. It was silly and superstitious, but I pulled one arrow out, the 13th, and put it on the small cupboard near the door. With twelve arrows in the quiver, I felt a lot more comfortable.
I avoided to look at Peeta's house as I ran past it and followed what was left of the road, not paying much attention to the left overs of my home as I crisscrossed through ruins and some buildings that were apparently under constructions. District Twelve was slowly coming back to life. More and more families returned as it seemed. Surprisingly, there were also people coming from other districts. Slowly but eventually our town would be rebuild as it seemed. I smiled, greeting someone here and there, the most of them reacted rather irritated at my sight. I wondered if they still saw the crazy girl in me. In a drawer in my room I still had the band from District 13 which read mentally Unstable. My feet carried me to the fence in no time, I ducked under it and ran across the lush, green summer meadow. Nature had buried the remains of the fallen residents of District 12. The Meadow was covered in summer flowers and wild herbs. I found my way back remarkably well, even if I had to take more breaks than before. I avoided the lake, it was holding too many memories I couldn't handle. After a few hours I had gotten some fresh water from a nearby well and shot two squirrels and a rabbit. I felt alive.
Around noon, I looked for a clearing to take a break and eat something. On a small glade I found some wild strawberries and collected as many as I could find. I swerved around places that reminded me of Gale. I had done that once and I didn't wanted to feel that numb aching in my chest again. I just went on walking, 'cause I felt as good and normal as I hadn't in such a long time. I didn't care if I left traces. Who would follow me anyway? I dodged a few wild dogs and just went on and on. It was summer, the sun would go down in a few hours. On those days it had usual been Gale, who reminded me that the way back was just as long as the way there and that we better should turn around before the night came. But Gale wasn't here and I honestly didn't care. I had seen and experienced worse than a simple night in the woods. There were more than enough trees that I could climb. The uniform green of the canopy, the dim light and my absent mind had let the day pass much faster than I had noticed. So by now it was getting quite dark rather quickly and I was at least two miles from the fence removed, if not more.
I decided that a night in the forest wouldn't kill me and made a fire. After the squirrels and the rabbits were skinned and eviscerated, I let them roast over the flames and enjoyed my dinner of fresh squirrel, some leftover bread and a few strawberries for dessert. I let the fire burn to keep wild dogs and other animals away, then I climbed a nearby tree with wide branches and looked for a safe fork. It had all seemed like a good idea to me until I had closed my eyes and actually fallen asleep. Something was creeping under me around the fire, I heard the paws. Heavy, large paws. Then I felt the shaking of the tree, as if something had rammed it. I was paralyzed and couldn't move. I was engulfed in a thick blackness that left me blind. I was back in the arena. Terrified I pressed myself against the tree, trying to open my eyes or had they been open all the time? But the forest had never been completely black. Suddenly something appeared in front of me on the branch. Something Anthropomorphic with long gray-brown, hairy fingers. I saw dark eyes flashed before me, and the hand that is stretched out for me. I let out a shrill, panicked cry, opened my eyes and fell off the tree.
I hit the ground so hard that all the air was forced out of my lungs. I stared up at the tree now that everything was suddenly much brighter. All the normal sounds of the forest had returned and a scared rabbit hopped off into the darkness. But I still felt the dark eyes of my nightmare on me, some horrible mutant that would kill me. Screaming, I began to run. I needed to get out of the forest immediately. I stumbled, got stuck, bruised and scratched my hands, knees and face while I frantically tried to find my way back to the fence. Where was I?! What had just ridden me, to walk that deep into the forest? I ran for my life and left a significant swath of trampled bushes and broken branches.
And then all of a sudden the ground beneath my feet was gone. I screamed, but my scream was stuck throat as I fell. I hit the ground and rolled down a slope. I heard a horrible cracking before I felt it and screamed suffocated. My foot had gotten stuck on a root and the force of my fall had broken it. That had been my death sentence. I lay on the forrest floor, my heart racing, at the foot of a small slope, with my foot twisted and bent in a gruesome curve. My legs were bent in an unhealthy angle as well and I felt my quiver is drilling into my back. My bow almost choked me. However, I couldn't possibly move. So I spent my night wide awake and tormented by hallucinations. None of what I'd seen that night could've been real and when the sun finally lit up the forest, I realized where I had landed.
I had been lying in a meadow of primroses. Primrose. Prim. She'd been here. She had protected me all night. Tears choked me and I finally dared to move. Carefully I sat up and freed my violently throbbing foot. It was swollen and I knew if I would take off the boots, I would never get it back on again. My head was spinning and I needed a full moment before I had found my orientation. I knew this meadow. This had been where Gale and I had found the primroses then. And probably Gale was the only one who knew about this place. Even if someone was actually looking for me, wich would certainly take days, since I constantly kept on disappearing and they were probably used to it by now and just waited for my return, they wouldn't find me here. I had to take a deep breathe. My bag was still there so I pulled out the water bottle and took several deep gulps. I would somehow have to find my way back alone.
It took over an hour until I had managed to get up. From a nearby tree I broke off a stable-looking branch and used it as a crutch while I made my way across the uneven forest floor. I was slow and had to take breaks regularly, because my foot threatened to kill me. Somewhere I had turned to the wrong direction and had to hobble back so I wouldn't get off too far. I oriented myself on the position of the sun, as far as I could see it and at the moss on the trees. There were a few points that I recognized. Nevertheless, time was running against me and nightfall was coming before I had even reached the vicinity of the fence. I was so tired, exhausted, thirsty and my leg was throbbing with waves of excruciating pain that rolled through my body constantly. I had no other choice than to spend another night alone in the forest. Alone with my nightmares, fears and hallucinations. Since I couldn't possibly climb on a tree with my foot, I chose a rocky outcrop, under which I hid myself. I made an exaggerated large fire, in the irrational hope that someone might see it and find me.
I had no idea how I made it through that night. At some point I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes, my fire had burned down and the sun was in the sky. My foot was swollen to twice the size and I had to loosen the laces of my boot, so I was progressing more slowly. I knew I should've cooled it and kept it steady instead of stumbling through the forest with a broken ankle. But I did not want to die here. I couldn't hunt and I wasn't even near the lake. So my only hope was to finally reach the fence and that someone would find me there. I struggled on until I got stuck somewhere with the stick and fell flat on my face. My foot hit one of the larger stones and my pained cry rang through the forest. Birds fluttered startled and tears sprang to my eyes. I was whimpering and trying to catch my breath, but the pain was indescribable. For several minutes I lay there trembling, before I even dared to move. I pushed myself up carefully until I was leaning against a tree. My bottle was almost empty and I still was about a half mile away from the fence. There was nothing between me and the fence but dense and impenetrable forest. And the bitter knowledge that there was no one looking after me.
Peeta certainly wasn't. Haymitch certainly wasn't worried as well, he knew that I could take care of myself quite well alone. Hazelle perhaps. But Haymitch would calm her down and tell her how wonderful I got along with my forest. It wasn't a real shock when I realized that nobody would find me. Rather a sober statement. Something that I had kinda known all the time but somehow just had afraid to pronounce. I was done for. So this was how I would end. With a broken wing and burned feathers. The Mockingjay had more than fulfilled its purpose and could die on the forest floor. Suddenly even the thought of being devoured by wild dogs didn't seem that scary anymoe. That was just one of other ways to end my life here in the woods. Dehydration was the most probable. I wouldn't starve. I wouldn't live long enough for that. I deeply inhaled the familiar smell of earth and moss and forest. Everything was familiar to me here. The birdsong, the faint rustle. Above me I discovered a Mockingjay on one of the branches. My lips curved up into a crooked smile and I quietly sang it Rues song. They pretty little Mockingjay listened curiously and soon I was surrounded by Mockingjays that sang Rues song to me. My smile grew wider. Soon I would see her again. Rue, Prim, Finnick, Cinna ... all the people I had loved and lost. My dad.
In the afternoon it began to rain lightly. I caught some water with my bottle and ate a few strawberries from my bag. The tree underneath which I sat was beautiful. A beautiful old oak. I watched as the drops fell through the leaves and listened to them dripping. Soon I was soaked to the skin, but my leg didn't hurt that much anymore so I was rather thankful for the cold rain. I closed my eyes and hummed the song that I had sung a few nights ago. Peeta would be free. Perhaps his nightmares would stop when I was gone. He could be with one of the new girls, get married and have the family he had always wanted. And I wouldn't miss him. Wouldn't have to live next door knowing that I had lost him and would never get him back. Somehow the thought of my inevitable death was almost comforting. Nothing was keeping me here anymore. I made myself comfortable under my oak, wished my bow goodnight and hugged my old hunting bag. I wished I had a bit of morphine to steal me away dreamlessly. The rain became stronger and I rolled over as far as I dared with my broken ankle, and lay there on the forest floor in a fetal position. Leaves gently began to fall and landed on my cheek, remained in my hair and covered me.
I didn't care. I'd be one with the forest, finally a real part of it. My eyes fell shut again and again, although I didn't really sleep. And then I heard my name. I couldn't tell from which direction or if I had dreamed it. Then I heard it again. Someone called me. Searching. It could only be a dream, so I just stayed lying where I was and didn't move. I wouldn't fall for the last cruel trick my mind was playing on me.
"KATNISS!"
This was clearly too close. I opened my eyes. I was surrounded by darkness and had to brush off the leaves in some shaky movements to actually see something. Only a few feet away from me the flickering light of a flashlight was moving through the forest. It was all dark now but the rain had stopped.
"KATNISS!" he called again and I blinked in disbelief. He came closer, apparently he had seen me as I moved the arm, because suddenly I was hit by the bright beam of the flashlight. I squinted against the bright light. "Katniss .. what .. what are you doing here?!" Peeta asked stunned and began to pluck the leaves from my face and my hair. That was cruel. My head made me see Peeta just before my death that was more than malicious. His warm fingers stroked my ice cold cheek and then I felt him put his strong, warm arms under me and lifting me up gently.
"Haymitch! I found her!" Peeta yelled and a second figure appeared. "She looks horrible. Can you carry her alone? "Haymitch asked and Peeta nodded. "I'll go ahead and you follow me." And then the ground moved. Powerless I let my head drop against his broad, secure shoulder. Perhaps he would carry me to Prim. My cold fingers dug into the fabric of his jacket and I closed my eyes. For a precious moment I allowed myself to feel safe and secure. I allowed myself to dive into the illusion that I was safe in Peeta's arms and that he had really found me. Which couldn't be true, because it was all in my head. In front of us danced the light of Haymitchs flashlight and the forest was moving past me. I could feel Peeta's steady, strong heartbeat. How beautiful it was. I lost myself in this comforting bubble of fuzzy madness.
But then we reached the fence, bright lights blinded me and loud voices surrounded me. "Oh, thank heavens, they found her!" "Where was she?" "Is she hurt?" loud familiar voices blurted around me. But the only voice I really wanted to hear, hadn't said another word since he had picked me up. I vaguely noticed that we were walking up the street to my house and even though several men offered it, Peeta not once allowed anyone to take me from his arms. I slightly lifted my head and whispered against his warm skin. "You found me and are carrying me home. Real or not real?" For a moment I wasn't sure if he had heard me, but then he stopped and turned his head to look at me. "Real." He whispered and gently put his lips on mine. My heart leaped happily, and I closed my eyes as I felt his warm, sweet lips on mine. He had really found me. It wasn't a dream.
A large group of people was awaiting us at my house. Apparently half the District had been looking for me. Peeta carried me up the stairs to my room and gently placed me on my bed. Instantly Hazelle and Greasy started to check my condition, but my cold hand reached out for Peeta and I mouthed "Do not go." And he didn't. He nodded and sat down in the armchair in the corner of the room. My eyes were fixed on him all the time while I got undressed, examined and was eventually fixed up. My foot got bandaged and splinted. Someone made me drink a full cup of water and after about an hour that seemed much longer, Hazelle handed me my two morphine pills. I still couldn't pray my gaze away from Peeta, who hadn't moved in all that time. Had I just imagined him? But then Hazelle turned to him and asked if he needed something. Peeta just shook his head and they left us alone. Again, I was the selfish one of us. I wanted this Peeta, my Peeta. "Will you stay with me?" I asked softly and took the pills that would knock me out soon. Peeta got up from the chair, walked over to me and crouched before my bed. Then he gently brushed the damp strands from my forehead and looked into my eyes. "Always." He whispered and I fell asleep with a smile on his lips.
