Haven't you noticed?
I'm sleepwalking
Katniss
When I woke up I felt the warm rays of the sunlight on my face. My ankle felt strangely numb and I had to fight to get out of the numbing dullness of my morphine-soaked mind. I raised my heavy eyelids and blinked against the bright sunlight. It took me all that was left of my willpower to lift my dazed head and pull it out of the sunlight. And it took another full minute before I could keep my eyes open long enough to capture my surroundings. I was still lying in my bed, my foot was no longer bandaged, it had been placed on a pillow and my skin was shimmering. Apparently my mother had sent one of those expensive creams from the Capitol, because I felt this familiar pull at my skin. Nevertheless, I didn't dare to move it. I remembered the unbearable pain too clearly. The pictures of my last dream still hung in my mind like film clips. It had been another one of these dreams about Peeta where my confused mind had been seeing us happy and in love together. A dream filled with his closeness, his kisses and the warm security his strong arms had always promised me.
I felt like a stranger in my own head and was more than irritated by those feelings which still seemed so frighteningly real. Slowly, I let my eyes glide across the room and stopped. There he sat. Still in the chair by the window, facing me. His eyes were closed and he had his long legs stretched out. His arms were loosely clasped on his chest and his head was slumped against his shoulder. Peeta was asleep. My heart leaped, stumbled and fell flat on its face. I stared at him full of disbelieve. He was here. Which meant that he had spent the night next to me. Without killing me or fleeing my house. A small glimmer of hope gleamed in my chest and I dared to wonder whether we would get closer again. Ugh, were those my thoughts or just the remnants of my dream? It had taken me long enough to admit that I felt something for him and even longer to allow myself to realize that this something had been love. I remembered what Finnick had told me about my reaction in the arena. Though I hated to remember the moment where Peeta had died right in front of my eyes. The moment in which I had thought that I'd lost him. My heart clenched. Finnick had been right all the time.
There was a plate with still steaming soup on my nightstand, someone must've put it there only moments ago. But there was nothing but silence in the house, all I could hear were Peeta's quiet, steady breaths. My eyes went back to him and clung to his face. He was older. No longer a Teenager. His jaw-line had become harder, more masculine, his cheekbones stood out clearly. Also, it seemed to me that he had grown lately. I remembered that my mother had once told me that boys often still grew at the age of 18 or 19. It seemed like Peeta had been no exception there.
Had his legs always been that long? The sunlight hit the ruffled strands of his golden hair that must've fallen into his eyes while he slept. I frowned and bit my lower lip. I felt the same deep longing for him that I had felt in my dream. The same hunger that had driven me into his arms that night on the beach. It was more than confusing. How badly I wanted to reach out and stroke his hair. It were those small familiar gestures that I had never paid much attention to and had never thought relevant. Now that my mind was clouded by pain killers and my feelings were confused by my weird dream I missed them even more. My eyes trailed down his body, I tried to understand my feelings for him and why his sight moved so much in me. His shoulders were still broad and muscular. Even though I doubted that he was still carrying heavy sacks of flour around. My gaze got caught on his hands. They were loosely clasped and were ling relaxed on his hip height. Strong, safe hands with slender but beautiful limbs. I swallowed against the lump in my throat. What was the matter with me?
I was no one who actively was in love. Neither could I flirt nor actually understand my feelings. The last few months had damaged my mind and soul almost completely and irreparable. There probably wasn't much missing the call me insane. The last thing I needed now there were girlish feelings. Getting married and having children, those were simply no options. Not even today. We lived in a different world, but what kind of world was that? What would become of Panem? What role would Peeta and I have to play in it? If he should really find a way back to himself, to this irresistible charismatic young man that could mountains with his words alone. It wouldn't surprise me if the government would want to have him. Peeta would be a wonderful leader. He should've been the Mockingjay, not me. Why no one had seen that was still a mystery to me. Even during our interviews it had always been so obvious. Peeta was the one who could move the masses. With his declaration of love. With his kiss, his marriage proposal and as he had told the world that I was pregnant in an attempt to stop the Quarter Quell. A tiny part of me secretly whished that we had been married back then. Then he would be mine no matter what still stood between us. Then I wouldn't have to worry about losing him to another. As absurd as that thought was. Simply because there was no other.
There were these strange girlish thought again. I flinched at the thought of how much I wanted to talk to Prim about all this. Grief shadowed my features and I breathed against the panic. Slowly I counted my breaths, another technique that should help me to stay focused. Prim would've understood all this and could've helped me sort through this mess of feelings in my head and my heart. Talking to Gale was out of the question. Haymitch as well. That left the only two other People in my life. Greasy Sae and Hazelle. Hazelle. But she was Gale's mother and if she accidently told him anything about my struggles, that just wouldn't be fair. Suddenly I missed Madge so painfully that I had to embrace the hole in my chest again. I really threatened to fall apart any moment. I thought about Johanna, we had finally somehow become friends but she was far away in her own district or in any clinic with free access to morphine. The extent of my loneliness hit me completely unprepared. Moreover, I had never thought about it that way. There had never been many people in my life. But to suddenly realize that there wasn't a soul to talk to in my life was more than hard. If I really lost Peeta I would be completely alone. However the thought was strangely comforting. I would never have worry about anyone ever again.
No one would dependent on me.
I had been so absorbed in my thoughts, that I hadn't noticed that Peeta woke up and when my eyes wandered back from his hands to his face, I flinched as my gaze suddenly met his. Bright blue eyes that seemed even clearer now that the sunlight hit them. I couldn't read his expression though. It was new. My heart was pounding in my chest, after all Peeta had found me in the woods and kissed me. He had carried me home. All that meant that I hadn't completely lost him, didn't it? Nevertheless, the look in his eyes made me shuffle in discomfort. Nothing in it spoke of love or friendship, not even happiness to see me alive. Maybe I had imagined his last words before I had fallen asleep.
Always.
It echoed through my mind like a hollow, muffled recording that had been repeated too often. My mind was still far too clouded to actually deal with him now. With all the questions I had about him and the feelings that overwhelmed me. Peeta got up and slowly walked over, then he crouched next to my bed and gently brushed some loose hair strands off my forehead. I immediately reached up took his hand. I wanted to feel him, know that he was really here. He did not resist, closed his warm, strong fingers securely around mine. What had happened that I felt so terribly vulnerable around him? My dream was clearly messing with my mind. My eyes were locked on his and it seemed as if we both tried to fathom what the other was thinking.
"Thank you for finding me." I finally whispered to break the silence. "I would always find you." He replied softly but distant. I frowned and my body intuitively tensed. Now I knew why his expression had seemed so strangely familiar. It was Gale's expression. The one he always had when he killed an animal, the exact same expression that had been on his face as he had told me that district 12 no longer existed. So Peeta tried to calm me down before the death blow. That thought was more than disturbing and panic rushed through my veins. He frowned a bit helpless. Apparently he didn't know where to begin. My throat tightened. Suddenly I could feel his iron grip around my throat again. We were back in the hospital room in District 13 and suddenly it felt wrong to hold his hand. I wanted to push him away, to protect myself from whatever would happen next.
My chest heaved under my trembling breath and Peeta ran a hand over his face. Now that he was so close to me I could see more clearly that he had grown older. He had grown up. He had become a man and was no longer the boy with the bread. A man who would leave me at any moment. I felt numb, empty. As if I was sleep walking. Could he feel that I was sleepwalking? I was still holding his hand. Why couldn't he tell me that all was well? That nothing would happen. It was as if we were silently begging each other to see what we could not tell. Then Peeta looked me straight in the eyes. I held my breath. The blue of his eyes seemed iridescent. Suddenly I could see everything in it. Frustration, helplessness, loss, anger and abandonment. And suddenly I knew it.
"You don't love me." I whispered soundlessly.
He nodded slowly. Very slowly.
"It's not that simple Katniss." His voice drove the spear deeper into my heart. "I tried. But I can't help it. If I continue to- "he tried to find the right words and I tried not to fall apart. "… to hold on to that idea of what we might have been once, then I'll never know if I really feel something for you… if I ever have. I can't tell my real memories apart from those Snow put in my mind. In one moment you are the most wonderful creature that I can imagine and in the next you're tearing me apart. I have to find out who I really am. And even if Haymitch believes that it will help me to be close to you, to have you around every day it's not gonna change a thing. It only makes things worse because I'm never sure if I really see you or whether my mind is playing tricks on me again. You have no idea how hard that is Katniss. " He heaved a sigh and I felt how my chest was finally falling apart. How I crumbled piece by piece and all my attempts to keep myself together had been in vain. But hadn't I seen that coming? Wasn't this exactly what I had expected? A few hours ago I had been willing to die alone in the woods. Now my last hope for a normal life was falling apart.
"I'll still be here, but I will no longer have to think twice about whether you love me or if I love you. I remember your bargain with Haymitch. Your little act from the arena and that you didn't love me then, I remember that you wanted to kill me. I also know that you never talked to me after we came back from the arena. You disappeared into the woods with Gale, you were everywhere but never with me. I have some memories the Capitol couldn't take away from me. Of how you've pushed me away, over and over and over again. Of how I tried everything to convince you of my love. I bent myself in any way imaginable in desperate attempts to make you see what you mean to me. But you weren't listening to me. It never touched you. You know what else I remember? I remember that you attacked me violently after I told all of Panem on national television that I loved you. Has it ever crossed you mind why I might have done that? "
I shook my head scarcely perceptible. I knew what he would say, but at that time it had really by far been the most absurd thing that I could've imagined. Who could've possibly loved me back then? I hadn't even known him. "Because I knew that was the only way you'd listen. And even that turned against me. You attacked me and didn't waste a single thought that I could've been serious about it. Haymitch knew that I loved you. I had told him. And he had turned it into a farce. The Star crossed Lovers from District 12." His voice dripped with sarcasm and suppressed anger. "My head shows me pictures, memories that I cannot place. Things that might've happened. All these weeks I have tried to bring some distance between me and you. It took me an incredible amount of strength and willpower to actually come back here. To face you. And all I got was your indifference and your silence. "
It felt like someone had dropped a bucket of ice cold water inside of me. He had gotten all my intentions and actions wrong. I hadn't been indifferent, I had been insecure and terrified. And again I wondered how he could've ever loved me. This whole principle of feelings and affection was utterly foreign to me. I was not very good at it and here I got the proof. I was the one to blame for losing him for good this time. "Katniss there will always be a part in me that remembers how much I loved you. But this part is in the past now and I want to leave it all behind." It sounded so final. I scoured my brain for an adequate reaction to his words. Should I cry? Be shocked? Frightened or hurt? I tried to sort out what it did to me. But there was nothing left inside of me but this numb empty feeling of being left behind, of losing him. I knew that my current state wasn't permanent, it would fire back at me sooner or later. I knew that once I had realized that this had really been happening the pain and agony would sweep me off my feet. But at the moment my mind was in deep denial as final desperate try to protect myself. So I just looked at him stunned.
"I didn't meant to hurt you." He whispered, his hand gently caressed my cheek. I could see that it was difficult for him as well. But in a different way. Even now, when he was finally leaving me, he cared enough for me to apologize and to consider my feelings. I felt infinitely guilty. I had never really considered his feelings. I had thought of him but only ever with the purpose of keeping him alive. Others had always been more important to me than he had been. Prim, Gale, my mother. People that I had to take care of. That had always been my life. The people who were depending on me. What would I do with myself now that there was no one left? I blinked and frowned. I didn't know what to say. What did you do when you were abandoned by the man you loved just days after you finally realized that you loved him? Words failed me. There certainly had to be an answer. Peeta would've known what to say. He always knew how to answer such things. Well I couldn't ask him for help now, could I? And so I lay there, feeling numb and foreign in my body. Just as if this wasn't happening to me. Apparently Peeta knew me well enough to understand my silence, at least this time he got it right. I threw a helpless look at the door, almost as if I was hoping for the right answer to just walk in and break the brooding awkward silence. Should I beg him not to leave me? Tell him about all my weird feelings? Try to explain to him that I had finally realized it?
I love you Peeta Mellark.
The words lay on my tongue like lead. Because to finally tell him that would be the most selfish thing I'd ever do. I knew that he wouldn't leave me then. He couldn't. But only once, just this once, I didn't wanted to be selfish. Just for him. Selfish. The word sounded so harsh in my ears. I had just been trying to keep us alive. And I wanted to keep him. Now that Prim was dead he was the last person I knew I really loved. I clung to his clear, bright blue eyes. Eyes that had always seemed so much older than mine and had never lost their innocence. Not even now. Who was I to claim him for me after everything I had done to him and what Snow had done to him because of me. I would never be able to make it up to him. Never. But I could let him go now. No matter what that would do to me. Peeta nodded and half snorted laugh escaped his lips. So as if to say, I knew you wouldn't get your teeth apart Katniss. And as so often he was right.
"See you." He said quietly, tilting his head to place a quick kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes and then his hand slipped from mine and he left. I kept my eyes closed until I heard the front door. He was gone. It was the moment in which the door slammed shut as the whole meaning of his words reached me in their full extend and everything I had been holding back before was crashing down on me. I gasped for air and choked with my eyes wide in shock. My scream was silent, I had no voice. I was suffocated. My chest heaved, I tried to breathe but nothing reached my lungs and soon darkness swallowed me whole. It only took seconds until my scream had fought its way out of my lungs taking what was left of the air in my lungs with it. I was sobbing, gasping desperately for air and stared at the ceiling in blind panic. You couldn't choke on dry land right? I was breathing, but I could not breathe. Soon tears took my vision and I lost myself in all the emotions that overwhelmed me that I could not name and couldn't capture. Peeta had left me. This was far worse than to die in the woods.
