A/N: And this covers the motorcycle bonus the OP prompted. Oh, how much glorious fun.
Disclaimer: We all know the drill by now, right? We all know I'd much rather be making money than posting free fics if I owned anything worth anything.
It was an important press conference, which meant it was also very boring. All the reporters were asking deep, meaningful political questions, the kind that Tony wouldn't be allowed to answer. So he just sat there and tried not to be too obvious as he fiddled with his phone.
A young man raised a hand. "I have a question for Captain Rogers."
Oh, yes. Another question for Cap. How did Cap feel about today's military presence? Was he qualified for a leadership position in the modern day? What did he have to say in the wake of SHIELD's dissolution? Ugh.
He sent a quick text to Barton. "Dying of boredom. Send help."
Clint's phone didn't even vibrate. Damn bastard. There went his fun.
"Captain Rogers," the young man said. "First of all, may I say what an honor it is to be addressing you here today? I'm a big fan."
Tony rolled his eyes. This would be another one of those ass-kissing questions about how Steve felt having the praise and adoration of millions. Funny, nobody was asking Tony how it felt to be adored by Captain America. And nobody was praising him for his noble effort in saving Steve from his own dirty mind. If the press conference dragged on any longer, Tony might have to start bringing these things up. Give the press something to really talk about.
"I just question if it sets a bad example for children to see you riding your motorcycle without any protection. New York helmet laws-"
Steve's laughter drowned out the rest of the question. The young man trailed off, looking confused and uncomfortable.
Natasha groaned and put her head in her hands.
"I'm sorry," Steve squeaked out. "It's a-it's a great question. I just-oh god, give me a minute." He pressed the back of his hand against his mouth.
Tony grabbed his microphone. "It's not you, it's him. Trust me, kid. Steve is real big on everyone using protection."
Steve made a choked sound and Tony cast him a sidelong glance. Jesus. Steve looked like a tomato. They needed to get him out of here fast.
"Cap's just having a personal problem. He was hit by some kind of magical ray last week. Makes him start laughing like a kid every time we talk about kids. Fitting, right?" He glanced at Steve. "And Cap's trying so hard to resist. So, so hard."
Steve snorted into his fist.
Tony smiled. "But supersoldier or not, he's only human. Any further questions?"
No further questions, thank god. A couple reporters were furiously scribbling in their notebooks, probably negative pieces on them all. But whatever. They were free to go now. And Tony made a beeline out of the room as fast as he could go.
He didn't get far before Natasha rounded on him, her eyes flashing with rage. "Stark. What the hell was that?"
"Uh, saving our collective asses? A little thank you might be nice."
"You told me you had sex with him. You told me he was cured."
"I did. And I thought it worked. But apparently not. I'm sorry, okay? I tried and it failed. What more do you want from me?"
"Try harder," she hissed. "We need him to stay professional."
"It would probably help if you stopped talking like that."
She glared at him and muttered something in Russian. Probably "dirty pervert" if Tony was lucky.
"I'll have Jarvis revoke Cap's internet privileges," Tony said. "He doesn't find any new stories, eventually he forgets and we can all get back to normal."
"Normal," she said with a disdainful snort. "Nothing with you is normal."
