I is for Immersion. From the moment she entered his world, he'd felt that he had been shoved into the deep end of the pool. Emotion had always been something easily boxed away, placed into a deep, dark compartment and labeled hands off, easily ignored and his infamous stonewall impenetrable – until she entered his life.
And then there was chaos.
The flux and flow of emotions – first resentment and irritation, followed by grudging respect and admiration, and then a slew of truly uncomfortable feelings including longing, desire, enchantment and dare he say it…love – all sought to overwhelm, crush, bury him within its wealth and leave him gasping for breath, struggling for air, only to find there was no escape. Her mere presence seemed to suck all the oxygen out of the atmosphere, leaving his head swimming and heart beating madly.
It was frightening, intense, confounding, discomfiting and a whole lot of other words he had never felt before, and never really wanted to either, and yet they all revolved around an equally intense, diminutive school girl that couldn't leave well enough alone. It was more trouble than it was worth at times, and more times than not, he was torn between wanting to tie her to a chair to keep her from nosing around in places she shouldn't and kissing her until they were both breathless. It was aggravating, agitating, confusing, annoying, and…all too damned endearing for his comfort.
And yet he couldn't resist diving back in for more.
I is for Illumination. He'd like to say that love came to him gently, as a soft progression that flowed naturally from one point to the other and in easily definable moments. But let's face it – he was never one to be in touch with his emotions and all the touchy-feely crap that girls (and Max) liked to wax on about poetically was a vast mystery. The amount of insight he possessed into the softer emotions could fill a thimble – if he were lucky. And if he could somehow justify fleeting lust into that category. Calling him stunted in the emotional category would have been an enormous understatement.
No, love, when it finally came was like a swift kick to the head. And hurt just as much.
It's not to say that he didn't feel these things; it's just that he didn't really identify with them given his upbringing. Being the unwanted meal ticket to a man that would rather drink than feed, clothe and soothe a helpless child, doesn't exactly lead to a loving environment. So one had to forgive him when he failed to recognize what was staring him in the face. In fact, it did take an actual head-on collision for him to finally grasp it.
The flash of emotion that blazed through him when their lips first touched, sent him reeling, standing over a chasm for one brief moment before freefalling into the unknown left him breathless and aching for more. It burned; raged through him with a sudden clarity that ripped him in two, then shredded every preconceived notion he ever held about his feelings for the catalyst, the girl that initiated this monumental reaction.
It stunned him, how much a split second could change the very fabric of your world and how a simple action could bring so much unfettered joy, yet lead to utter devastation in the matter of the next. The kiss had lasted all of ten seconds at the very most, yet it was devastating to the core – it was more than he ever dreamed of having, but everything that he was to be denied because of their positions in their tight knit group.
It was amazing and beautiful; it was staggering, and illuminating, and tragic. It was…
I is for Inevitable. Despite his deep connection to his alien past, he wasn't one to believe in the destiny line that Tess and Nasedo spewed. He didn't believe in meant-to-be, he didn't wish on stars, he didn't hold onto the idea that there is one person meant for another; soulmates and fated love were nothing more than sand castles and fairytales, fed to children so they could feel better about the very cold, bitter world around them.
Too entrenched in reality, he didn't buy the lines people sold him about happily ever after no matter how prettily they smiled. He couldn't afford to blind his eyes to the harsh truth surrounding him on a daily basis; react too slowly and he would end up bruised, bloodied, pain screaming through his body as he choked back the tears burning in his throat. He couldn't afford dreams – they only ended in grief.
But even he should have seen that they would eventually run smack into each other. Opposites attract and all that nonsense. Although he had wanted to leave her in the dust, keep his fragile heart locked away, their lives had become too irrevocably entwined and he really should have seen this coming. If for no other reason than it would prove that the gods, fates, or whatever, truly were laughing at him.
Why would this have ended any differently for him?
But then again, hadn't she always been…
I is for Irresistible. The first thing he had noticed about her was her smile – soft, sweet, shy with just a touch of uncertainty – that started with a small quirk and then broadened as she grew more confident; white teeth flashing against pale golden skin, lighting up her whole face until it reached the second thing he noticed about her – dark chocolate, sparkling eyes. They glowed and shined in a way his never had, knowledge with just a hint of innocence still clinging in the corners, confidence mingling a hint of nerves and yet a courage that belied the heart that had to be pounding in her chest.
Those eyes had captured him in an instant as she turned to him on the playground and glanced at him coyly from a fringe of sable brown locks, peering up at him from that tangled, glossy curtain as she smiled and apologized for running into him in the hall. Her regard had startled him, stunned him completely given that he was used to being overlooked and forgotten, that people only saw the shell and not the scared kid underneath desperately seeking a place to belong and someone who loved him unconditionally. That nugget of friendly warmth was irresistible and touched him in ways his mind couldn't yet fathom.
The moment was over in the matter of seconds, but lived with him for years until his hormones learned to appreciate other things about her. The smile, eyes and hair captivated him still, but then he, being a typical teenage boy, couldn't help but notice her other charms. Oh, they were nothing to write home about, nothing like Max had made her out to be for certain. She wasn't the prettiest girl, or the most voluptuous, or even the most fit – those titles belonged to other girls – but as a teenage boy, he had to admit to a dream or two with her in the starring role.
Lightly glossed, pink lips beneath his, soft tanned skin under his fingers, subtle curves molded to flat planes – they were easy fantasy material, although he never held the total absorption and reverent awe that Max held for the girl. The innocent shine that drew him like a moth to a flame, had dimmed as she got involved with boys that didn't deserve the glint of intelligence and subtle spark of mischief in her eyes. He, himself, had come to think her no more than your average girl, until a darkened alley renewed his interest and he was struck dumb by molasses-colored irises flashing with courage and challenge, despite an underlying current of fear.
The third, and most important, thing he noticed was her heart. The innocence faded, the bright eyes took on a slight cynical glint the further she travelled the alien abyss, but it didn't diminish the golden glow of her heart. It had stayed remarkably intact in spite of everything, the tragedies that would have sent a lesser person screaming for the hills. It held the innate kindness and charm he'd recalled from their youth, even if it had wised up over the tears and heartbreaks that could have easily left her hard and bitter.
But the most irresistible part of her was the care she showed him time and again; even when he pushed her away; the way she trusted him without question; the way she turned to him for comfort and it was his arms that held her when Max had been missing; the way she accepted him without thought. It was intoxicating, unnerving and made him feel as if he could move mountains if he tried. And most of all, above everything else, it was the way she looked at him, as if she really saw him, as if nothing else mattered in her world.
I is for Infatuation.
