AN: Happy New Year! Thank you to all my lovely lovely reviewers. This was going to be a Christmas present, but, typically, I got distracted, and procrastinated, and edited, and deleted, and so here we are, a week later. Hope you enjoy!


I've always hated February. It's cold and wet, and there's nothing to look forward to. Christmas and New Year's are over, and you haven't got an excuse to eat massive amounts of chocolate until Easter, which is another two months away. It's okay though, because I've spent a good deal of my time keeping warm, curled up in front of the crackling fire with the world's longest book, which may not be very interesting, but at least keeps me occupied in the long evenings. James has been busy most nights now, working with the Order. Sometimes Remus or Sirius comes over and has dinner with me, but Dumbledore's been keeping them busy too, lately, so instead I've been plodding through the 700 page volume of Charms Through the Ages, which is as boring as it sounds.

I'm due in six months, and I'm determined to get this thing finished by the time the baby arrives. I've almost decided on the name Jonathan, but James isn't too impressed with it, and he still thinks we're going to have a girl. I know for a fact that we're not, which is why I've allowed him the name Ruth. The only way I would name my baby Ruth, was if I was giving birth to an eighty year old woman, but James is happy thinking that he will get his way.

He was actually home last night which made a nice surprise. I told him I was scared all the time now. He said it was okay to be scared, and when I stopped being afraid, that was when we had a problem. I'm scared because I have so much to lose. And just a few years ago, I knew this would happen. I knew my life would get just that little bit harder if I let myself love another. But I did it anyway.

I didn't see James until the Monday after we kissed because he spent the entire weekend at Quidditch practice. Well, that was partly the reason, anyway. I spent an awful lot of time hiding in the library. It wasn't that I regretted kissing him, I just needed some time to figure out what it all meant. He found me on Sunday evening though, as I was perusing the dustiest books the library offered and trying my hardest not to sneeze.

"You're avoiding me."

I jumped about a foot, and spun around to see him leaning casually against a book shelf, his Quidditch robes damp and mud splattered.

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are." He was actually smiling at me, and had the nerve to run his hand through his thick dark hair.

"No," I repeated through clenched teeth. "I merely happened to be in a different place to you the past two days. And since you didn't venture far from the Quidditch pitch, that's hardly surprising. I'm not like your last thousand girlfriends James, who spent the majority of their time watching you whiz around on a broomstick."

He grinned and pushed himself upright, before taking a lazy step towards me. "So you admit you're my girlfriend then?"

I hesitated, and ran my tongue across my lips. "I didn't say that…"

He seemed to wilt slightly, and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. "No, Lily -"

"I just need time, James."

"What, six years wasn't long enough?" He looked bewildered and hurt. Like he was a little boy and I had just stabbed his favourite teddy bear. "No, Lily. No, I walked away from this and you came after me. You can't run now."

"I'm not running," I said desperately, and actually reached out and grabbed his arm. I think it was that instinctive movement that told me I really didn't want to lose him. "I'm in this, I am, I've just…I've never done this before." I swallowed hard, trying to ignore the traitorous tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to mess up. I'm always going to be a few steps behind you, and I need to know that you'll wait for me."

He took another step towards me then and cupped my cheek with his big warm hand. Stooping a little so his eyes were level with mine, he said, "No, Lily. I'll always be beside you, holding your hand."

I must have looked startled at that point, or something, because he closed his eyes wearily. "What?"

"You're always going to do that, aren't you?" he asked with a sigh.

"Do what?"

"I tell you that I love you, and want to spend the rest of my life with you, and you look as though you're fighting as hard as you can not to run in the opposite direction."

I swallowed again and grabbed at his hands, almost pleading. "James, I want to do this, I do, but I've never done anything like this before, and I just don't know if I'm ready, or when I will be, or how long it will take, and I want to be ready, I really do, because I really do want to and I want to love you, but it's just not that -"

His lips on mine cut off the ranting, and before I knew it, he'd pressed me up against the dusty shelves, his hands buried deep in my hair, his warm body pressed tightly against mine. When we finally broke apart, he was panting slightly and still had me pinned against the bookcase. "Stop thinking about it so much, Lily. Just go with it."

I bit my lip, and decided to take his advice. "Okay," I murmured, my eyes flitting between his eyes and lips. "Okay, but you're going to have to help me."

He merely nodded before gently pressing his lips to mine once again.

And then Madam Pince came around the corner and shrieked like a banshee, which ruined the moment a bit, but still, it was pretty perfect until James almost swallowed my tongue. That was the first day I became James' girlfriend, and consequently the most hated and envied girl in the entire school.

Being in love's a funny thing. I imagined what it would be like so many times, but none of that actually compares with the real thing. I don't know, it's like, even when I'm with him, I miss him. Okay, maybe it sounds stupid, but it's true. And what happens if he dies? What happens if he goes out to work for the Order and never comes home? I don't even want to think about it, but what scares me even more is that I need to think about it, because it's actually a possibility. Anything could happen.

So many people are dying – people I know, care for, love. I hate the pain. I always have, ever since my dog died when I was six years old, and I vowed never to love anything again because it just hurt too much when that thing is taken away.

Pain is one of those certains in life though. It'll always be there, and even when everything is going right, it will be waiting just around the corner, ready to destroy everything with just a touch. But I think you just have to ride it out…hope it goes away on its own. In the end there are no solutions, no easy escapes. You've just got to take a deep breath and wait for the pain to subside. And, God, it sucks, but it does go away eventually. Pain can be managed.

But sometimes, the pain gets you where you least expect it. You just have to fight through, because the truth is, you can't outrun it and life will always be making more. So maybe I am scared – scared of losing James, or another friend, or relative. I fear them being gone, but I also fear the pain, and I think that's okay. Or I think it will be. There's nothing I can do about it, anyway, there's no way I can stop what will inevitably happen. You can't stop death. We can try all we want, but it gets you in the end.

So instead of thinking about that, I'll think about the time in the library, and the time under the tree, and the common room, and the empty Transfiguration classroom, and the Room of Requirements, and the girl's bathroom on the fourth floor, and the Astronomy tower…because it really does help.

Love. It's stronger than pain, and fear, and grief, and all those other things. It's the strongest feeling of all. And it may not stop the others, but it makes them all just that little bit easier to deal with.


Thanks so much for reading! Now go out and celebrate and eat and drink lots! I, however, am stuck at home with grandparents, so you all need to party for me...and leave a review. xxx