Chapter 8: True Confession

It is still dark outside when Olivia wakes up, the need to pee her top priority. She untangles herself from Fitz's arms and pads to the bathroom. Closing the door softly behind her, she clicks on the light and heads to the toilet to relieve her overfilled bladder. After flushing the toilet, she stands at the sink washing her hands. She glances at her reflection in the mirror. Other than a serious case of bed head, she doesn't look any different than the day before. The truth of the matter is deep down she doesn't feel any different than the day before, despite her declaration of love to Fitz. That worries her more than a little because she always assumed that when/if they finally declared their love for one another and their conviction to face the world head on as a couple that she would look and feel relieved. That she would finally look like a woman in love. Look and feel like a woman who was loved, no adored, by an incredible man. Yet, staring at herself in the mirror, she only sees the previous version of Olivia Pope. The one who is afraid to let anyone in. The one who runs when anyone gets too close.

Doubts begin to flood her mind. Suddenly the bathroom is too hot, the walls feel like they are closing in and it becomes hard to breathe. As she closes her eyes, she grips the countertop and focuses on taking deep breathes to calm her wildly beating heart. Her mind is screaming for her to leave. Leave to save his presidency, leave to save his reputation, leave to save her. . . .

"Stop thinking about leaving me," the sound of his voice startles her. She turns to see him standing in the doorway. She was so lost in her thoughts of running, she hadn't heard him enter the room.

"Don't do this Livvie. Don't overthink it. Running will not make me stop loving you or wanting to be with you. Hell, it won't stop me from finding you and dragging you back from whatever part of this world you would decide to run to. I refuse to live another moment without you." He walks over to her and embraces her from behind.

"Look at me," he says to her reflection in the mirror. She slowly raises her eyes and looks directly into his.

"I love you. I want, no I need, to be with you. I am not afraid to love you Olivia. I am not afraid to face the world and tell anyone and everyone who will listen that you are the love of my life. I am willing to fight for us, to the death if need be."

He turns her around in his arms so that she is facing him. She stares at his chest, unable to look him in the eye. He gently cups her chin and raises it so she is forced to meet his gaze.

"Are you willing to fight for us Olivia? Is our love as important and vital to you as it is to me? I can't do this by myself. Tell me right now, once and for all, are you all in?" His crystal blue eyes search her face eagerly for an answer.

A hundred scenarios run through Olivia's mind. She can't form the words that Fitz needs to hear and that she needs to say. Tears form in her eyes and slip gently down her face.

"Why do you do this? Why do you always find ways and reasons for us not to be together?" He drops her chin and walks back in the bedroom and sits on the side of the bed.

She stands in the doorway and looks at him. His normally perfectly coifed curly hair stands wild on his head and his face is covered in a thin layer of stubble. Any other day he would exude sex and virility with these features, however his body language tells another story. His shoulders slump forward as he holds his head in his hands. Pain, anguish and disappointment flash across his face and take up residence in his eyes. He looks broken. He looks defeated.

She goes to him, as she drops to her knees in front of him, she takes his hands in hers so that he is forced to look at her.

"Fitz, I am so . . . "

"NO! Don't start with the whole I'm so sorry routine Olivia." He pushes up from the bed and brushes passed her. He begins pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed. "Just admit that you don't want to be with me and let's just end things here. I can't keep putting my heart out there time and time again only for you to stomp on it when YOU decide that somehow things are getting too hard. So just save it. It's obvious that you are not willing to fight hard for us."

"That's not fair," she says. "You don't know how much it hurts me to feel this way. You don't know what I am going through or what I have been through to make me feel this way." Her voice cracks with emotion.

"That's the problem Livvie. You won't let me in. You told me once to let people see me for who I was. That you got to see me because I let you in. You haven't done the same for me. Hell, it was easier for me to get in your pants than it has been for me to get into your head and heart."

His words stung her to the core, but they were true. Physically she could give her all to Fitz. She loved the way he made her body feel and how she could make him feel. But there was always a wall between them, even in those most intimate of moments.

He lets out a frustrated sigh, "I can understand you wanting to keep most of the world at a safe distance in order to protect yourself, but you won't let anyone in. Not even me, the man that you claim you love. You know everything about me. All of my sins and errors, my hopes and dreams. In all the time I have known and loved you, I can't say the same. Why Livvie? Why won't you let me in?" His eyes plead with her to answer him.

She knows that if she doesn't answer him truthfully and fully at this point, they will truly be over. He is at the end of his rope and if she runs this time, he won't chase her. He will let her go and try to move on with his life, putting her and what they could have been behind him. Except it won't be a clean break because of the baby. They will be doomed to being in each other's lives but only on the fringes. That would be more devastating than a complete breakup.

They stand five feet apart, staring at one another. As the seconds tick by and she still has not answered his question, Fitz reaches his breaking point.

"Fuck it. Go live your life Olivia. Be happy or unhappy, I don't care anymore. It's obvious that you don't love me as much as I love you. Just know that nothing you can do will keep me from seeing my child." He turns to walk away from her.

"My parents never loved me. Even as a little girl, I knew they didn't love me. My mom used me as a weapon against father." Her voice was lifeless and devoid of emotion, almost robotic.

He stares at her, but he doesn't speak. Afraid that he is interrupts her she will never reveal her deepest hurt and pain to him. If that is the case, they will never be able to move passed this point.

She walks over to the window and peers outside, watching the dawn break. She keeps her back to him as she continues.

"My parents met in law school and started dating their sophomore year. She was possessive and jealous. He couldn't take it, so he threatened to leave if she didn't stop. Apparently she deliberately got pregnant with me to force my dad to marry her. He resented her for that, but because he was on the radar for some major law firms, he knew he had to marry her to keep up appearances.

My arrival didn't make things any easier in their relationship. If anything it made it harder. Money was scarce enough for two, but three put a strain on them. My dad starting staying out late with "friends" several nights a week. Meanwhile, my mom sat at home with me, seething with rage and jealousy. I remember one time when I was five or six years old, my mom told me that I had ruined her life and marriage. It was my fault that dad stayed away. She locked me in my room for what seemed like hours. When she finally let me out I apologized for being a bad girl and promised to do better so that dad would stay and love mom and me.

So whenever dad was home, I tried to be the perfect child. I stayed quiet, I ate all of my food without complaint, and I went to bed without being told. But it never seemed to be enough to make him stay. No matter what I did, he always left us. Soon mom started drinking. Every night she would down a bottle of vodka and tell me how I ruined her life and that no one would ever want or love me. That I didn't deserve it because little girls who ruined their mommies' lives didn't deserve to be loved by anyone."

Fitz stands there in silence, his heart breaking for Livvie. He can picture little Livvie in his mind. Big, sad brown eyes, pigtails and knobby knees. He can see the pain and confusion on her little face as she tries to comprehend what she did wrong. What can she do to make her daddy love her and her mommy again? He knows all too well the damage a caustic tongued parent can cause. He had Big Gerry for a father. But Fitz also had his mother. She tempered the nastiness Fitz received from Big Gerry with her generosity and love. For every time Big Gerry would tell Fitz he was a failure and a disappointment, his mother showed him in a thousand ways that she loved him and that she was proud of him. Poor Livvie had no one.

She continues quietly, "One day when I was 10, my dad came home from work and immediately they started to argue. I was in my room, but even from there it didn't take me long to figure out that he was leaving us. He was in love with someone else and she was having his baby."

Olivia retreated into her memories . . . .

"It's no use Maya, I am leaving. Tracey and I are in love and we are going to have a family. I can't do this with you anymore. I never loved you. I only stayed because you basically blackmailed me," Eli confesses.

"You selfish bastard," Maya slurs, "I have given up the best years of my life for you to raise your daughter and this is the thanks I get. Pushing me aside for some young thing you found at work. I won't let that happen. I will march right down to that hoity-toity firm of yours and tell anyone who will listen that you are a useless husband and father and a fucking cheater!"

"It's no use Maya, your threats don't work anymore. I don't care what you do or where you go. Just stay the fuck away from me."

"What about Olivia? You just going to forget all about your baby girl? Just going to walk away from your responsibility to her?"

"I'm not walking away from anything Maya. We both know that Olivia isn't my child. I found out a couple of months ago when she needed a checkup for summer camp. I noticed on the registration forms that our blood types don't match. I don't know whose bastard child she is, but she is not mine!"

Olivia comes out of her room and watches as her "dad" walks to the front door.

"Dad?" she whispers softly. Her voice full of hurt and confusion.

He turns and looks at her as if she were a dirty street urchin daring to beg him for money.

"I hope Maya doesn't screw you up too bad Olivia. If I were you, I'd go find your real father and hope that he can take you in. Good bye."

With that Eli walks out of the door and out of their lives.

"When dad left that day and never came back, my mom went crazy. She went around the house breaking everything she could get her hands on. Screaming that she would make him pay for his betrayal. She berated me for hours that this was my fault. She even went so far to tell me that she should have aborted me when she had the chance."

At this point, Fitz can no longer stand back and watch Olivia relive these horrible events. He reaches her in three quick strides and pulls her body close to his. She tenses up when he touches her, but then relaxes as he presses kisses against her temple.

"That night, my mom got the drunkest I had ever seen her. She ran out of vodka and decided to go to the store to buy more. I begged her not to go. But she slapped me and told me to get out of her way, that I was no good to her anymore. She ran head on into an 18-wheeler just three miles from the house. She died instantly. Now I had no one. I was 10 years old and all alone. Eli never claimed me as his own. I guess he felt sorry for me since I was all alone, so he sent me off to one of the best boarding schools in Europe and made sure I had all the material things I needed. But he never came to see me and I never went to see him. It wasn't lost on me that he sent me as far away from him and his new family as possible.

The day I graduated, a check for $250,000 was waiting for me in my dorm room along with a letter stating this was a one time "gift" from Eli and that by accepting this money I was never to contact him again. So there I was, eighteen years old, all alone in the world with $250,000 in my pocket.

I spent that first summer traveling all over Europe. By the time fall rolled around I was ready to throw myself headfirst into college. I didn't really have any friends at boarding school and didn't really have any in college until I met Cyrus. He was the first person I connected with in a very long time. He gave me a reason to smile. He made me start to live in the real world. That's the only reason I put up with his shit today."

She had never told anyone about her horrific childhood. As she stood there in Fitz's arms watching the sun rise slowly above the horizon she felt unburdened. The vice like grip that always had a hold of her heart was gone.

Fitz steps away from her and grabs her hand. He leads her to the love seat near the fireplace, where he sits down and then pulls her down on his lap. Instinctively, she curls up in his lap, placing her head in the crook of neck and wrapping her arms around his torso. His strong arms encircle her and pull her as close as humanly possible. When her body starts to shake, he knows that the dam has broken. All of the hurt and pain that she has experienced in her life is flooding out. He holds her close and lets her cry. Her sobs break his heart.

"I am so sorry baby," he murmurs into her hair. Tears flow from his eyes for his Livvie. It all makes sense now. She has been programmed by her vindictive mother to believe that she doesn't deserve to be loved. Her father abandoned her not once but twice. Fitz vows at that moment to spend the rest of his life making sure that she knows that not only is she loved but that she deserves to be loved.

He has no idea how long they have been sitting on the love seat. The morning sun is now shining brightly through the window and Olivia's sobs have long since subsided. Her even pattern of breathing indicates that she has fallen asleep.

A light knock at the door jars Fitz from his thoughts. He stands with Olivia in his arms and carries her over to the bed. He lays her down gently and pulls the covers over her petite frame. After placing a soft kiss on her forehead, he quickly walks over to the door and opens it. SSA Brian is on the other side.

"Sir, Mr. Beene has arrived."

"Thank you Brian. Please tell Cyrus to wait in the library. I will be with him in 30 minutes."

Fitz closes the door and heads to the bathroom to shower and dress. After listening to Olivia this morning there is no way that he can allow a "showdown" with Cyrus and Mellie today. His only thought now is to protect Olivia at all cost. And right now, protecting her means getting both Cyrus and Mellie the hell away from Camp David as soon as possible.

A/N: Hello Gladiators. Was this not the saddest chapter ever? I have to admit I shed a tear or two for little Livvie. But now Fitz knows what holds her back. Now the question is he can help her overcome the heartache of her past? We will just have to see in future chapters.

Thanks for all of the encouragement for this story and for The Summer She Grew Up. I LOVE that so many of you are invested in the development of the characters and that they ring true to the versions of Olivia and Fitz that we all fell in love with in Season 1. I do a little happy dance every time I get a message that someone is following or has favorited (is that a word?) one of my stories.

Thanks too for the well wishes regarding my move. We have begun the final countdown and the boxes are starting to multiply like rabbits. I will probably be on a mini hiatus after this posting. But know that once I get settled in my new home, I will be back to writing about out two favorite lovebirds.

I don't own Scandal, but if I did it would be all Olitz all the time!