Dr. Cox POV
Pain. The first thing that registered in my mind was pain.
Everything hurt. It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to think
I must have made some noise because in no time, I was surrounded by people. All these muffled voices started coming at me, talking to me, trying to comfort me. I attempted to get a look at the people around me but my vision was blurry. I should know these people, but was mind was too disoriented to figure who they were.
The pain was unbearable and I was beginning to get nervous. Okay Perry calm down, think! You're a doctor, stop freaking out and start figuring out what's wrong with you. But I can't, instead I begin to panic, my heart is racing and I can't seem to take deep breaths. I hear the monitor by my side go wild as more and more people fill my room. What is happing to me?
Thankfully, the pain starts to lessen, the room slowly darkens, and the monitor quiets down, and I find my self falling into a drug induced stupor.
The bright sun which reflects off my crisp white bed sheets gently wakes me. And I once again try to figure out what's the matter with me. Only this time instead of freaking out I'm able to stay calm enough to figure out my status, so through gritted teeth I try to ignore the pain enough to asses my situation
I'm hurt, that much is obvious. Every breath I take causes a sharp pain to radiate through my chest, that's a definitely a sign of broken ribs, and I have a feeling that more then one of my ribs is broken. The itching in my nose is because of a nose canula, not a good sign; it means I need help breathing, possibly due to a collapsed lung. My vision is blurry, which can be a sign of a concussion, and I assume I lost consciousness, because I have no recollection of getting here. The truth is I have no recollection of much that happened, the last thing I remember was being in the bathroom and all of the sudden the lights went out, literally, the rest is a blur.
I'm not sure how long I was lying there, a few hours, a few days, but each time the same cycle occurred. I wake from my unconscious state, try to speak, or move which causes me utter anguish, someone gives me pain medication, and I fall back into a trance. And so for a while that's how I was. Some times unconscious, some times conscious, And even in my consciousness I was disoriented. How long I was like this I have no idea.
What I did know was that people came in and out of my room constantly. Most of them I recognized Newbie, Carla, Kelso, Gandi, Jordan. There was one person who I did not recognize, a middle aged man who came to visit me everyday.
Today I was finally awake enough to really take in my surroundings. I was in a private room in the ICU. This was a room I know well, having been inside it countless times; but the view is different when you're the one who's the patient. I suddenly became very uncomfortable and I had a feeling I haven't felt in a long time, was it fear? There were several unanswered question sailing through my mind, what happened, how and why. Lucky for me, Newbie had just walked in.
"Dr. Cox you're up, how are you feeling?"
How was I feeling? What a stupid question. I was about to go on a tirade about how I was feeling but as I opened my mouth to speak I realized a long rant would not be a good idea since my jaw killed, as I probably broke it for the fifth time. So I simply asked:
"How long was I out?"
"You were in out of it for three days" he replied
"Status?" Newbie, like a good little student rattled off my injuries, vitals and prognosis. I had several fractured ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a broken jaw, a grade four concussion, countless contusions, a nasty gash above my brow, and topping it all off some internal bleeding and a collapsed lung.
"What happened?" I finally asked
"You got beat up pretty good, we're not sure exactly how long you were out, or when it happened."
"What day is it?" I asked
"Friday afternoon, the Janitor found you Tuesday morning, and you've been in this bed ever since."
All this pain because someone decided to beat the living day lights out of me.
"Why?"
"I don't know, the police are still investigating" he then quickly changed the subject and asked me if I was in pain as he walked around the bed to check my monitor.
"No" I lied
He whipped his stethoscope off his neck and began to examine me. I can't even begin to describe how uncomfortable I felt at that moment. Under normal circumstances I would say something about him being inept or at least glare at him but I didn't have the strength so I just remained silent.
When he examined my shoulder I winced and then quickly plastered a placid look on my face, I don't why but it was very important for me not to seem weak. But Newbie didn't buy the act so he ordered a nearby nurse to give me some pain medication. The nurse came back with some Percocet and a cup of water. She guided the water to my mouth since my motor coordination was a bit off. And while the cold water felt nice against my parched throat, I felt there had to be no bigger shame than needing someone to help you drink?
I then dozed off for sometime, till I heard someone move around my room. I opened my eyes and found Carla hovering above me and looking very concerned. "JD told me you were up, how are you feeling?"
"I've had better days" I muttered.
"I'm sure you have, can I get you anything?
"Some scotch would be nice"
She laughed and said: "Can't do, but I can get you some ice chips and applesauce."
"I'll pass"
"Are you in a lot of pain?" she asked
"No"
"Liar"
The one thing I love about Carla is that she always knows how to read me. Over the years we've developed a close friendship, at work and away from it. She is one of the few people I can confide in. For one thing she doesn't take any of the garbage I throw at everyone else, and I trust her mostly because she's not afraid to look me straight in the eye and tell I'm full of it, or tell me exactly what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. That's why I was a little surprised that she dodged some of the questions I asked her like about what happened to me and what the police thought, she just told me not to worry and just concentrate on getting better.
Jordan told me the same thing when she came to visit, a s did Newbie.
Something wasn't right. They were hiding something.
But what?
"Dr. Cox, I'm Detective March, I'm investigating what happened this past Tuesday, and I'd like to talk with you a bit"
The conversation was far from small chat. He bombarded me with countless questions, many of which were personal. I began to feel agitated; I was exhausted and my jaw was hurting from talking too much.
Thankfully, Newbie showed up and asked the detective to leave, which he did.
But he came back the next day. And the next.
Today when he came, he asked me about my three patients that died last year.
"I don't want to talk about it"
"Why not?" he asked
"What's it to you?"
"Dr. Cox I'm suspecting that whoever assaulted you had a motive."
"Which was?"
"Revenge"
"Revenge, why revenge?"
A look of confusion passed over his face at my question "I'm sorry I thought you knew all the detail of what happened that morning. I guess at the end they decided not to tell you."
"Tell me what?" I asked with frustration
The detective proceeded to tell me the whole story, and with utter calm he dropped the bomb which shattered my world, as he explained to me what really happened and why. The key word was why.
Someone thought I was a murderer. A murderer
I felt my face grow hot, my ears were ringing, and my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest.
He continued to talk to me but all I could hear was one word. Murderer like a broken record it kept playing over and over in my mind murderer…murderer…
"Are you okay?" the detective finally asked
Was I okay? No, how can I be?
I nodded yes to get him to leave me alone and I barely noticed as he got up to leave.
So many emotions were flooding my mind that I couldn't make sense of any of them.
Anger, resentment, bitterness, fear, panic, guilt, shame….betrayal
How could no one tell me?
I suddenly felt very claustrophobic. I desperately needed to get out of this room, out of this tainted place, and out of my blemished soul.
I lowered my bed and placed my unsteady legs on the floor, I was hunched over in pain, but I didn't care, pain was good, pain felt right. I slowly straightened my body and took a few shaky breaths. I disconnected my heart monitor, pulled off my nose canula, and ripped the IV out of my arm. Blood began to drip where the IV was, staining my gown but I didn't care, I just needed to get out, fast.
I was about to start making my out of the room when Satan himself appeared at my door.
"What are you doing?" Newbie asked
I didn't say anything because I didn't trust my self to speak. I glanced at his face and the look in his eyes told me that he understood- that I now know.
"Dr. Cox get back into bed, we can talk about this, okay" he came towards me. I shot him a look that caused him to back down, because if I wasn't going to hurt my self, then I was certainly going to hurt someone. "Just relax, okay you need to relax" he spoke to me with a calm voice like one would speak to a child or a madman.
Or a murderer.
"Perry you're weak, you're body's been through an awful lot, you shouldn't be walking around just yet"
"Don't tell me what I should be doing!" I spat.
"Okay, you're upset, I know, I know" he said desperately trying to calm me down.
"What do you know you worthless, lying coward?!" I roared. I couldn't stop myself; I was so full of rage and hate.
I despised him standing there talking to me with such composure while I was such a mess, it was infuriating. I shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't be showing my emotions like this, I'm not supposed to lose it…I'm bulletproof.
I started toward the doors "Dr. Cox stop you can't go" I cursed him and continued walking towards the door. "You won't make it across the room!" he yelled after me.
I ignored his warning and made it across the room and farther. I walked passed the nurses station, and I was close to the door of the ICU, when I stopped.
It's amazing how far anger can take a man. It can take him beyond what should be physically feasible, it can make him ignore the pain, and it can give him the strength to do the impossible. But adrenaline can only take him so far, and for me, my body had unfortunately reached its breaking point.
The room around me began to spin, my vision darkened, and I felt a light headedness overcome me. As I felt myself begin to fall, I heard the thunderous sound of footsteps on the ground, trying to reach me before I hit the ground. I knew it was Newbie, but he was too late.
One thing became abundantly clear before I passed out; I was in trouble.
TBC
A/N Sorry it took so long to update. I tried my best to capture his feelings, I hope I did a good job.
