It's bullshit! The school suspended me for mashing up those bitches and their sending out some social worker asshole for an assessment. Then there's dad…
Yeah I so don't want to talk about that.
So here I am instead, at the ice rink. The boys are teaching me to play hockey and honestly I have to say… I fucking suck. I keep falling on my ass and these rented skates are killing me.
"Come on honey get off the ice, leave this to the men" one of the guys on the other team calls
Without thinking I move myself over, ready to fuck him up with the stick in my hands when the blades on my feet are suddenly over my head and laughter surrounds me. Without warning the laughter ends "you think that's funny, huh? How about now? Mother. Fucking. Asshole."
Looking over I see Bobby and Jerry starting to beat the crap out of the guy to tripped me as a pair of strong arms lift me onto my uneasy feet. Other people are getting involved in the fight as Angel helps me off the ice, careful not to actually touch me.
"Come on Mattie" the afro haired man guides me to the bench as security comes to break up the fight and I take off the evil contraptions
I give a sigh of relief at having my feet freed from those things while the guards get Bobby and Jerry off the ice. Over the few weeks I've been at the Mercer's I've noticed a few things, how they all adore Evelyn but look up to Bobby, when he's around Jerry acts on instinct to mimic him, Angel his right hand man and Jack constantly seeking his approval, smiling like an idiot when he gets it.
As we walk out of the rink I feel the aching numbness in my ass "Fuck I hate ice skating!"
They laugh as we climb into Bobby's car "you'll get used to it Princess, I remember when Angel stared he couldn't let go of the damn sides"
"Fuck you Bobby!" the guy laughs with a snarl of his shiny mental lined teeth
I open the car door but I can't help noticing the beat-up old truck just across the road, a lump in my throat as I cross the threshold into the copper chipped car. Looking out my window green orbs lock onto my own, a flash of memory's passing over in a moment until… "Mattie? Hello, you with us?"
Snapping away from the truck I smile, having not heard a word they were saying "yeah, asswipe I'm sitting right here, you blind?"
I'm back at the house a few hours later; the guys have some deal on or something and bailed. So I'm sitting in front of the TV as I finish the homework from last night, the old lady sitting at the dining table with a sowing machine as I throw the pencil down and growl in frustration "Mattie, what's the matter?"
She walks over to me as I rage "who the fuck needs this fractions shit anyway?"
Picking up my discarded homework she looks it over "oh well, here let me show you"
Taking a seat beside me she leans to show me the paper, my head resting on one knee as she explains the math to me, drawing in the diagram section "if I draw a pizza, and I cut it up like this and we eat these ones… how many pieces, or fractions, do you see?"
Sitting up straight I look at her working, the drawing wasn't bad, as my brain worked it over I let out an annoyed wail "why the hell don't teachers explain that? I swear they just want us to suck at math"
She lets out a laugh as the doorbell chimes "well I'm sure they're just trying to make you think about it yourselves, sweetheart"
She opens the door and I nearly growl at the person who walks in "hello Mattiline"
"What do you want?" I sneer at the redhead, I really don't like her
She turns from me then looking my tutor in the eye "Mrs. Mercer if I could talk with Mattiline privately…"
"Certainty, Mattie why don't you show Gina your room?" I stand at this, not muttering a word as the social worker follow's me upstairs
Walking into my room she shuts the door, looking around, it's still kind of plain but now has clothes strewn everywhere and a Drop Dead Fred poster on the far wall near the window "well… Mattiline I think you know why I'm here"
Plopping down on the bed I smirk "to piss me off?"
"Tell me about the fighting" she just says, getting out her little clipboard as she flitters around my room
I just shrug "I got bored"
She lets out a sigh and scribbles away "I hear you had a visit from your father"
I stiffen instantly, eyeing her with every ounce of hate in me "who gives a shit?"
Seeming the snap the woman glares at me "Look kid this is your last chance you got that? Evelyn Mercer has taken in the four worst kids the system ever saw and if she sends you back your fucked so you need to get a grip on what you're doing!"
Bolting upright I push her so her ass meets the floor "you listen here you fucking bitch, I'll do what I want, when I want and you can shove that clipboard up that saggy ass of yours and get the fuck…"
Without warning the door opens and my eyes widen at the sight "Hey Mattie, hope you don't mind Mrs. Evelyn let me up"
"What are you doing here?" I ask the blonde in my doorway, well placed makeup covering the healing damage on her face, dressed in a bright pink coat and matching outfit, the girly girl returns
Smiling she pulls out a few papers and books, setting them on my dresser "Jack got detention so he asked me to bring these by and I was thinking we could go the mall or something"
I look from her hopeful face to the woman sitting gob smacked on my floor; she's never known me to make nice with locals since being my caseworker. Without hesitation I shrug "Sure, let's bounce"
"Now wait a minute I..." I don't listen to Gina as my classmate and I race down the stairs
Grabbing my jacket, arms slipping in when Evelyn comes into view with a smile as she says "Now here's twenty dollar's, you girls have fun and be back before supper, that's eight o'clock. Daisy it was nice meeting you"
I look at her as Gina fumes, the old gal sending me a wink as I grab Daisy who waves back "You to Mrs. Evelyn"
Guess the old lady aint so bad.
At the mall we sit at the fountain, me with a cherry Slurpee and Daisy with banana, which is disgusting! She smiles at me; it's not as bright with the red gloss ill covered slash "so what was going on with the ginger in your room? She looked really mad about you leaving and why was she on the floor like that? Was she going to hurt you? Should we have told Mrs. Evelyn?"
"Woo slow down Sherlock. She was just some punk ass social worker, her names Gina and she's a grade A pain in my ass" I say with the sweet tang on sugar gliding down my throat.
She lets out a breath and nods "oh ok, do you want to come over for dinner on Sunday?"
"W-What?" I choke on my Slurpee slightly
Patting my back gently as I catch my breath the girl smiles "I noticed that the last three weeks you've gone to church every Sunday with the Mercer's and I was thinking it would be nice to have you over for dinner. Mom wants you over to say thanks for sticking up for me and my sister is dying to meet you, I already asked Mrs. Evelyn and she said that it was up to you, so you'll come right? Mom's making her special honey roast ham so I…"
"Daisy! You're giving me a headache… I'll think about it" I shrug just to shut her up, I have no intentions of going for some fucked up lunch… really, I don't
I catch sight of the blonde's nervous stiffness and nod "what's up?"
"That guy has been staring at us for like ten minutes. I think we should go" Daisy winces, jumping off the seat when I turn to look at said peeper
I let out an annoyed groan, thrusting the melting treat into the battered girl's hand "wait here…"
"No! Mattiline I'm not going to let you face some random stranger on your own, no way" I don't mean to but I can't help laughing at her seriousness
"Chill out, Action Barbie, I know the man… just sit tight" at that she looks over and then nods in approval, like I needed it
I walk over to the stalking figure who pushes himself off the wall with hands in his pockets "what are you doing here Nick?"
"I wanted to see you… damn social workers right? You got so big" he offers a coy smile while his eyes scan over me with a flicker of recognition
Folding my arms I scoff "yeah well, it's this thing called age… you sober enough to remember that?"
He at least has the decency to look down in shame and nods "Alright, I deserved that. So your birthday's in a few days right"
I swallow hard; I don't know why my chest tightens with joy that he actually remembered. I must have been quiet for too long because he's looking over my shoulder "so aren't you going to introduce me to your friend Mattie-Cakes?"
I look back at the patient blonde and shake my head "She's not… you can't just turn up like this!"
"Look, I know you don't…" he starts mumbling, his callous hand reaching for me
Before he can touch me I jerk back and growl "No. You can't be here, I don't want you here... I don't know you!"
"Mattiline, I am your father" he states like that actually means something
"Then where the fuck have you been for the last five years Nick?" I scream without thought, earning us some attention
Turning on my heels I storm away, I can't deal with this but his hand grips my wrist "Mattie-Cakes wait!"
Just then a blur of gold bounces between us shoving him hard, freeing my wrist and snarling "don't touch her!"
I stumble back in surprise as Daisy grasps my hand tenderly and pulls me away from my father. I'm too busy fighting back the tears I didn't know I had left to freak out about her fingers wrapped around mine. Once we're round the corner, out of his sight she releases me as asks with concern "Mattie are you ok?"
I look into her emerald gems and find only concern and honesty there. Pacing my breath, pushing the hair from my flushed face I nod "yeah, I'm fine. Let's get out of here"
Later that night I listen to my music bouncing off the walls, it's Friday night and what am I doing, cleaning my room with Eye of the Tiger blaring through my ears. A knock on glass breaks my tone and I look up to see a scruffy haired boy with a cigarette hanging out of his smirking dazzle white teeth. Opening the window he mumbles "nice tune, feel like a smoke?"
Without hesitation I climb out and take the lit bud between his lips "thanks"
"You're welcome… you know your case worker grilled us all right?" he says lighting up another stick
I just shrug, not looking at him as I take a long drag "woman's a bitch"
"Try weekly sessions with her" I laugh, but can't help noticing the torn and scabbed knuckles holding on to a cigarettes
Blowing the smoke from my lungs I ask "what happened?"
He doesn't look at them; just smiles at me with a glint in his eye "Don't worry about it… so you have fun at the mall?"
"It was alright I guess. Got some new CD's" he just nods and leans on his jean sealed knees.
He looks at the burned out bud between his fingers as he says "Jerry told me they took you skating"
I let out a laugh as a child rains down my spine from the frosted breeze "did they also tell you about them getting us thrown out?"
Flicking away the bud he rubs his chilled hands together "please like you weren't going to kick that guy's ass yourself. Well if you didn't suck so bad at skating"
At his chuckle I shove him, but he just keeps laughing. We look out into the snow covered streets, the diamond lit sky clear with the pearl drop moon beaming down. It takes me a moment to realize he's kind of staring at me. Blowing smoke in his face I ask "do I have a TV on my head or something?"
He doesn't flinch, just smiles that hundred watt smile "cat's freak me out, I once lived in this foster house and they let me have a dog, I called him Max. I went on my first roller-coaster when I was twelve, puked my guts up after. I can't swim, I suck at history and my favorite color's blue, not just any blue but that dark sapphire blue and I've been taking boxing lesions since last year"
"Um, why are you telling me this?" I look at him wide eyed with horror, because when did listing trivial stuff about your life become an everyday pastime
He hasn't taken his eyes off me as he shrugs with a turn of his smile "I just wanted to. Goodnight Capricorn"
He stands and walks over to his window. With a bite of my lip the words slip out "Clowns!"
He stops for a second before turning his head back to me in confusion, watching as my too tiny frame stands to full measure "I don't like clowns; I don't know why they just terrify me. I like pastel colors, pink and green are my favorite. I've never had a pet or been on a roller-coaster and I'm allergic to cats"
Standing just inches from him he eyeballs me with those sky blue gems "why did you tell me that?"
"Just wanted to… night Gemini" I shine at him before climbing back into the welcoming warmth of my room
I swallow hard with the click of the shutter. Why did I do that? Why would he? This guy I knew for just a few weeks now knew more about me than anyone who ever tried and honestly… it scared me. Because it felt like I was letting him in, letting the Mercers in and I don't do that… not after what happened… never again I swore, but here I was doing it anyway. What the fuck?
I can't stop it. They just keep coming, the tears. She warned me I had to stop being so friendly. That the way I looked at the boys was wrong, but I didn't look at them different I didn't think. Clara said the devil was tempting me and she had to get rid of the demon he nestled in me
So I sobbed silently or more making myself silent as my stomach ached but there wasn't any bruises, something about how the sock changes the texture of the soap inside when it hit… it was my fault. I should have done better to be good, I wanted so much to be good again. He always told me I was his good little girl… until she died
He drank. Drank so much he couldn't stand, didn't care if the bruises could be seen. He hit me, hated me because I look like her, my eyes sparkle like hers no longer did, cheeks flushed as hers now paled… I wasn't allowed to look like her because she's dead, gone. So the bruises and the swelling made me look different, I no longer looked like the woman my father had loved more than life itself. Despite the glares of disgust and fists of loathing I always rolled him onto his stomach, covered him with a blanket and crawled into the safety I somehow still found in his sleeping arms… because he wasn't some thug who liked to hurt me, he was Nick Crown and he was still my daddy
I'm fighting for breath, a cold sweat coating my body and a warm tingle beneath me as I jerk upright. Panic floods my quaking veins "Shit! No, no, no, no!"
Jumping out of the bed I swallow hard at the revelation as I quickly creep into the bathroom, stripping down and washing quietly. I skulk down the stairs, getting fabric cleaner whilst in the tattered old floral robe that usually hangs on the bathroom door, because I didn't have time to grab clean clothes. I strip the sheets and start scrubbing away at the mattress restlessly, the tarnished sheets sat in the corner waiting for their turn.
"Mattie?" a voice whispers, only then do I realize the bedroom door has been opened
My eyes widen in horror as I freeze in place, my limbs seeming to lock into place "I'm sorry, I'm cleaning it, I'm cleaning it. It'll come out; I swear it won't happen again. I'm sorry"
On impulse I keep scrubbing, my fingers digging into the soap lathered sponge "I'll be good, I'll do better… please, I'm so sorry. I'll be good, I promise. I'll be a good girl"
Frail hands still mine as I keep muttering to myself, I can't stop, don't even realize there are tears streaming down my face "it's alright, it doesn't matter… you're alright"
There are hands cupping my cheeks as I shake my head, looking into the old woman's eyes as I sob "no, I'm not, I'm not alright. I don't know how to be. I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared…"
My head falls with drowning tears as her arms wrap tight around me. Normally I'd push her away, break a few fingers but I'm crying for the first time in years and having some sort of breakdown. So I let her hold me close, rocking me lightly "your safe now Mattiline, I won't let anything hurt you. Never again I promise… just be happy, be anything you want but please be happy. I'm here, I'll protect you"
She speaks with such conviction and constancy, like my mom once did so long ago. So without thought for my fear's I cling to her as she cradles me close, letting me break in her arms as she collects the pieces. I let myself fall to pieces because for the first time for so long, I'm not scared… I'm safe.
Hey Guys! So what do you think? Let me know and thank you so much for every review they keep me writing so please take the time. Thanks again.
JJ X x
