Things have changed a lot over the years; Bobby was the first to leave home, just after Easter when I was sixteen. I guess you could say he was working as a sort of P.I. at the time, long story short he got a contract somewhere out in LA… I'm guessing it involved blood and death because he couldn't look Ma in the eye the day it came to saying goodbye, except he didn't say it, just left a crappy note saying he'd call.

The next was Angel, not by choice mind; he'd been working on his latest scam when he was snatched for fraud, theft and possession of unlicensed weapons; he got eighteen months then joined the marine's the day he got out. Don't ask me why he did it, because hell if I know.

Jeremiah was next; He'd knocked up Camille with our little Daniela, they got married the spring before and had been living with us, but with a baby on the way Jerry new it was time to man up and get his ass in gear.

Jack left not long after Daniela was born, he had just turned nineteen and the Spare's had got a touring gig, nothing mainstream, clubs and shit but hey, Jack figured they had to start somewhere. They had a Manager by the end of the first tour.

Last but not least was me; I was nineteen and was living off a little job in Billy's chop shop, when he told me he was expanding I was more than willing to work for the extra cash. The fact he's branched out to New York was a happy coincidence. Daisy got a full scholarship to some writing school called Cuny or some shit and was already published as a freelance reporter before I rocked up to her door, bags in hand, that fall.

It's winter now and I've lived in this city for nearly three years, where the snow sets in more the bones than the streets but here I am working my ass off slicing the hood off some Richie-rich's car through the chill, because hey it pays the bills.

I get back to the Brooklyn loft me and Daisy share a little after midnight, she's already in that yellow fluffy nighty thing that makes her look like a sesame street reject. She smiles over at me as I shrug out of my leather trench coat "finally, you're super late, again! I thought I was going to starve to death."

Laughing with a shake of my head I grab a beer from the fridge "bullshit, one of your meals can feed the third world."

"Please like your one to talk; by the way you got a message from Jerry asking you to ring him back." She calls as I walk to my room to change, coming out with my beer in hand wearing a pair of sweats and a sleeveless Spares shit Jack sent me last year, showing off the large rose vive quarter sleeve that flows perfectly over left my shoulder. I got that one for my mom on graduation day; ma had come with me, held my hand the whole time, joking about how hers had inspired me. It also shows the M sat in a silver crown on my opposite arm, just below the junction of my inner elbow.

"Any other calls?" I ask with a gulp of the bitter sweet beer. The look of mild guilt on her face makes me want to smash my bottle over her head "For fucks sake Barbie! No, I told you that guy is a dipshit loser."

She stands and has that hand in the cookie jar look "you don't know him like I do. I know Dan loves me Mattie. If you could just see how sweet he can be sometimes…"

I point with my beer with my other hand dials Jeremiah's number "sometimes sweet don't make up for being an asshole the rest of the time. You're smarter than this Barbie. Shit, why do… Jerry? Hey man what's up?"

Daisy turns away with a wave of her arms and I shake my head after her, for a girl so smart she sure can be a fucking moron "Mattie, um… listen, its mom…"

"What? What's wrong? Is she ok?" I can feel my heart clench at that one sentence and his broken voice, I can practically hear the tears.

Daisy instantly forgets she's mad at me for hating on her douchebag boyfriend with one look back at my face but I'm too busy waiting for him to explain what the fuck has happened to notice "She's dead Mattie, ma's dead…she was at the store and…"

But I'm not listening, in fact I've dropped both the phone and my beer, soaking my feet with the puddle it's created and probably cut myself to, but I don't feel it because my heart feeling likes it's drowning in my chest as I fall back into the wall and onto the floor "Oh my god.."

I don't realize Daisy's picked up the phone, I'm not even sure that I'm breathing… because I know this isn't real, this is some fucked up dream and I'm going to wake up in my apartment and call mom and she's going to answer, tell me that it all right and bug about when I'm next coming to visit, yeah…yeah.

Because she's not dead, she's not…

"Mattie…" I look up to Daisy, all sad and shit, is she crying?

I'm not sure when she knelt down, but I'm pushing her away, I don't want her to touch me. On shaky legs I stand and wobble over to the counter "no…this isn't…no…NO!"

Before I realize what I'm doing the plate rack, vase of orchids and everything in my line of fire is thrown and trashed until a pair of small hands grab hold of my wrists. I'm hitting her, I don't even see her through the haze of tears while I scream "No, it's not true, she's not dead…she wouldn't do this to me, she can't be. She wouldn't just leave me she… Not Ma, please god no…please!"

Somewhere in my strangled sobs I stopped fighting and ended up back on the floor, my face buried in long blonde hair and arms holding me so tight. I cry into Daisy, I can feel the mild sting of my feet and I think I cut my hand while smashing up the kitchen, but I don't really give a fuck about the blood or the pain… because she's gone.

She's really gone.

Everything after that is pretty much a blur; Daisy had patched me up without so much as a word before she packed up our stuff then led me out to my car, hell she even lit a cigarette and handed it to me. If not for the radio the silence would have choked us. I never knew she could be so quiet, I don't like it.

"If you get back with Dan I'll burn down the loft with you both inside." I say looking out the window with while blowing smoke into the crisp night air. I was going to say something like that to her before Jerry answered the phone, I just wanted to tell her, wanted to break the fucking silence because she's quiet, never thought I'd hate her for actually shutting up for once.

I feel her look over to me with a giggle, her usual Daisy like giggle and without an ounce of pity answers "I promise. He has a small dick anyway…"

I laugh almost then, because it's better than the quiet and it's a long drive home after all.

It's early morning when we finally get into Detroit, not even a lick of sun yet; Daisy's sleeping in the passenger seat while I drive through our home town. It had been a nine hour drive, nearly ten and I hadn't slept, couldn't more like.

We pulled up to Jerry's house and I sat there for about ten minutes, the air seemed thicker and harder to breathe. I look between my best friend passed out with drool on her chin and the brick house. Was this shit even happening?

I wake Daisy up with a quick shake and she rubs her eyes "hey…so, we going in?"

Before I know it we're at the door, I have shoes on… I don't remember putting shoes on.

"Mattie?" Camille is the one who answers the door with this sad look in her eyes, she reaches out to hug me as I wordlessly pass her into the house. I've been here many times over the years, hell I was here when Camille's water broke almost a full month early and I freaked out rushing her to the hospital and trying to get in touch with Jeremiah.

Because I like coming home; reminding myself I actually have one.

I done even bother looking around because I know my brother and sure enough he's sat in the back yard with a tumbler of whisky in hand "rough night?"

He looks pretty shell shocked to actually see me, nearly dropping his glass as he rushed over and lifts me into a tight hug. When he finally lets me go I realize I'm fucking crying again, but so is he so I don't feel like such a pussy "I'm so sorry Mattie."

He smiles sadly down to me, holding my arms tenderly as I nod "Me to Jer. What the fuck happened?"

He sat me down with my own glass and told me everything the police had told him, everything he knew. It made my skin crawl in how similar both Rose and Evelyn's deaths had been, both my mother's killed so brutally and everything in me screamed out for blood, cursing man and god alike for all this fucking shit I've suffered through, all I've lost. It shouldn't have been her, them… her.

Daisy heads over to her mom's, talking about making arrangements for work and the funeral and all this crap, I don't need this right now, I don't want it and so I bolt and head upstairs. Jerry finds me stood at the girl's bedroom, watching them sleep. He's a good father; he's given them everything we never had before Evelyn took us in, before she chose to love us.

"Do they know?" I don't look at him as I ask, watching them with envy and love.

I can hear the hoarseness of his voice as he sighs "Camille tried to explain it to them… told them that Granma Evie's gone to heaven."

"Damn right she did, woman was a saint putting us with us shitheads." I laugh, fighting the urge to pull out a smoke.

I share I look with him, before I head over to the guest bedroom. Jerry knows I need space, time to breathe and the moment the door to bedroom closed I slide down it, licking my dry lips. I notice then that the sun is actually up; seems like I'm missing a lot today. I grumble more to myself than the thin walls as I pull out my phone, I knew Jerry had already called Angel who was half way around the fucking world floating in a tin can and left a bunch of messages on the endless contact numbers we have for Bobby, I also know he got through to Jack's manager. Fergus would have told him by now, he'd be doing what we all were, wondering why her, breaking shit and knocking them back.

As you know I don't have many weak moments, not me, I don't get sad I get mad, that's kind of my thing and I am mad. I'm mad at those fuckers who took my mother away from me, because blood or not she was my mother, I'm mad at the world for constantly killing off the few I love, I'm mad at her for going into that store, for not fighting back, for dying and I'm mad at myself for not being here, for not protecting her like she always protected me.

IT'S NOT FAIR!

I want to scream, cry and break the fuck down…so I do. Pulling the quilt off the bed as I lay on the hard floor, tears streaming down my puffy pink cheeks as I listen to the dial tone, holding my breath as it's answered by a drunken slur of "what do you want?" curling myself into the blanket as I sob "Jackie…come home."

"I'm on my way."

Hey gang, so what do you think? I'd love to thank all my amazing reviewers for all the support and I seriously hope you like reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. Your all fab and please let me know what you think.

Love ya's

JJ X x