The sun is bright, blinding and it takes me nearly a full minute to actually realize where I am and what happened… what I'd give to go back to that minute. My throat is dry and sore from all the crying I did, I broke down, had a moment of weakness but that's over now… I have to get my ass out of this bed, I have to help Jerry with the funeral arrangements, shit needs doing and I can't wallow like some pathetic little girl.

She wouldn't want me to wallow.

When I get down stairs I'm ambushed by two small bodies tackling my shaky legs and screaming "Mattie!"

It's been at least six months since I've been back, it was mom's birthday…Bobby sent a card, Jack called, Angel actually turned up and we all went for a fancy meal, the kids on best behavior. I got her a new car stereo, top of the line… I wonder if she ever had the chance to actually use it "hey, how's my two favorite little monster's doing?"

"I made a macaroni picture, what to see?" Daniela jumped with joy the same time Amilia smiled "mommy got us a dog, her name is Belle, come see!" they seem so excited…

Camille comes out from the living room and with her kind smile says "Girls, I'm sure Mattie would love to play with you both but how about letting her wake up and get something to eat before you start fighting over her, Okay?"

The girls don't look to happy and skip off complaining, well at least I know I'm loved right "Hey Cam, you said something about food?"

She laughs as I walk into the kitchen, making a beeline for the fridge and grab the milk the carton grazing my lip as a voice in the back of my mind echoes a familiar voice 'unless that milk is your own personal stash then I suggest you grow some manners and get yourself a glass young lady.'

I feel the pit in my stomach deepen and curse aloud as I grab a glass from the cupboard, taking a seat and before my ass fully meets the seat Camille puts plate of pancakes and bacon in front of me "you should eat."

I don't want to eat, for the first time in my life I can genuinely so I'm not hungry at all but I manage to take a few bites despite that before the doorbell chimes and I stand "I got it."

I head for the door but it's already open and stood there is Daisy, she's wearing black… I don't like it "Hey, I'm not late am I?"

"Like you've ever been late for anything." I watch my brother and best friend hug with a confused sigh "Someone want to fill me in here?"

They turn and Daisy looks over at me with those big sad green eyes of hers "Camille and I are going to take the kids out for a while, maybe hit Build-a-Bear."

I look at Jerry and realize he wants to get shit done for the funeral by that guilty look on his face. I nod then and head upstairs "Give me five minutes."

"Mattie you don't have to…" I turn back to Jerry midway up the stairs and snap "She was my mother to Jerry, don't worry about. Barbie you need to get changed girl, blacks my thing not yours." I say the last part bouncing up the stairs, not bothering to wait for the reply.

I know Jerry's just trying to help me, take some of the pressure off me; after all I've already buried one mother…

I don't really bother to much clothes wise, just throw on my black long sleeved crop turtleneck, making my snowflake necklace look brighter and showing off the Phoenix inked onto the right of my ribs, then wiggle into ripped black jeans with my buckled boots, quickly throwing my hair into a messy bun I grab a something quick from my bag before racing down stairs, shrugging into my trench coat before throwing the yellow flannel shirt at Daisy "Let's get out of here Jerry."

He looks at me for a long time as we drive down to the funeral home, the guy there is all fake sweetness and I have the overwhelming urge to put my fist through his face, he's talking to Jerry mostly as we walk through a room of caskets, then I hear a sentence that makes me look the guy straight in the eyes "Lilies are traditional…"

"If you put Lilies with my mother's funeral you'll be planning your fucking own." I bite hard, breathing smoke into the air and the penguin looks ready to shit himself.

"Mattiline! I'm sorry sir my sister is a little particular." The guy nods in understanding but still looks all skittish and Jerry just gives me a glare.

With a roll of my eyes I shrug to him "What? Ma hated Lilies, things always made her sneeze and shit. Roses and Orchids, she liked them best."

Jerry's eyes soften and he nods, putting an arm over my shoulders in some twisted half hug thing. There was a time I'd have ripped his arm out for that, but that was a long ass time ago. The rest of the day goes by pretty smoothly; we chose a cherry oak casket with ivory silk, arranged a meeting with father Thomas and talked over headstones, Daisy had given Jerry a small lists of appointments she's arranged for him, say what you will about the girl but she's got skill… and not a damn Lily in sight.

We meet up with the girls at the park, I watch as Jerry heads over to the girls, kissing his wife on the cheek with a forced smile. I light up a fresh smoke and start to feel the chill slightly before Daisy takes a seat beside me on the swings "thanks for the shirt."

"Keep it, never liked that one anyway." I smile over at her and she looks mildly offended "I bought you this shirt!"

"Exactly" I laugh and she joins in with me before a serious look creeps up onto her face "I called Billy, he offered to come back but I told him to wait until the funeral, he said you could take however long you need."

"Thanks, I don't really need him butting in right now, Jerry's being overprotective enough and it'll just get worse when the others get here." I groan with a light swing of my feet, listening to the clinks of the rusted chains with a long drag burning my lungs.

I can feel her looking at me, girl has always been to nosey for her own good "they're just trying to protect you, Mattie. That's what people who love you do. You don't have to be strong all the time you know, you're not freaking wonder woman."

I look her dead in the eyes with a bitter chuckle "come on Barbie you know me better than that… being strong is the only way I know how to survive. Don't worry so much, you'll get wrinkles."

She smiles then, that bright Daisy smile, and with a small shoulder bump I stand, popping my coat collar and walking off without so much as a word. They know me well enough to know I can take care of myself… like I always have.

The walk is quiet, probably because I have my headphones in and I'm pretty much blanking everyone but still… I was meant to be headed over to Jeremiah's, seriously that's where I had intended to go but somehow I found myself outside of the house I long ago came to call home. I rip the headphones out of my ears, music seems wrong right now, and stump what's left of my bud into the ground. The house looks the same, almost exactly the way it was the day Evelyn first brought me back.

And I can hear her voice in the back of my head; almost feel her laugh 'now what's it going to take to turn that frown around?'

"Hey Mattie…" my head snaps around to see a pair of puffy pink blue eyes and familiar crooked smile.

"Jack!" I breathe, running to his open arms on sight, his arms tight around me, like I might disappear as he lifts me off my feet. Burying my head in the crook of his long-ass neck I breathe him in, he smells the same as I remember, cigarettes, musky leather, sweet scented hair products and something just purely Jack, plus the temporary mild hints of beer.

It's been well over a year since I saw him last; Daisy and I had taken a trip away to Vegas for her Birthday and found ourselves in a little club where he happened to be playing, the second he saw us in the crowd he had the bouncer get us on stage and everything, V.I.P treatment, Champaign, hell we even got Daisy drunk enough to agree to a tattoo… it was an awesome weekend.

Pulling apart I look at him, hardly sure if he's actually here. He's still so fucking tall though "hey Cracker Jack."

This gets me a sad smile before he leans in to kiss my brow with his own, sniffling as he keeps a tight hold on me "let's get out of here…"

With one last look to our childhood home and his long arm swung around my neck we get the hell out of there. Turns out he hasn't even slept yet, his flight only got in not even two hours ago and that the rest of the band is here to, apparently they said the needed the break anyway but Jack says he doesn't know how long he'll stick around.

We sit near the hotel bar where he and the guys are staying, drinking beer and eating fries, it almost feels normal. Almost "So tell me about you, New York, still working for Billy? Still dating that douche bag, what was his name, Frannie?"

"Freddie, his name was Freddie and no, we broke up but I'm still chopping, the money doesn't hurt but the hours can suck ass." I smile over at him, taking a long gulp of my beer.

Jack hated Freddie; we'd met in the waiting room of the NY police station a few years back when I got pulled in for questioning over a Jag me and the boys took care of, he was snatched for breaking and entering, he bought me coffee after we were released. He had these puppy brown eyes and this cheeky smile that made me melt, we'd been going strong for two years, hell the guy practically lived with me and Daisy… but it didn't last.

"What happened to the dreamboat? You two were all cozy last I heard." He's looking at me, in that big bug eyed way that only Jack can do.

Shrugging I light a bud and don't meet his gaze "it turned to shit, don't worry about it."

"Like anyone else will? Come on spill…" he laughs and snatches the cigarette from between my lips.

With a heavy breath and groan "fine, he…he asked me to fucking marry him and I wasn't ready, ok?"

Truth is Freddie was pretty awesome, he was hot, fun and he got me, the reason it ended was the same cause of most our fights. Jack. The first time I brought him home everyone liked him, but Jack gave him shit all night about how he was just some scumbag, Jack and I fell out after that for more than a few days. We made up though, like we always did… but he hated Freddie still, I hadn't seen him like that since Hunter, but that's another story. Anyway when Freddie did the whole down on one knee bit I freaked, trying to figure out how to say no, then realizing that I was screaming it in his face, he blamed Jack, said some bullshit about how if there could never be anyone, let alone an 'us', while Jack Mercer was around.

It didn't end pretty I can tell you that.

Now as I look at him I can see that cocky smile as he shrugs "asshole didn't deserve you anyway."

I kick him with a small laugh but I know it hurt "Fuck you Cracker Jack."

"Well your tit's have come in pretty nice so..." He smirks over at me and I kick the shit out of the fucker as he grabs my ankles, laughing as he holds them tight before resting them on his lap.

I've missed this and for the first time since I found out about Mom I feel almost ok… and fuck am I hungry.

Hey guys, so what did you think? The next chapter will be the funeral and the rest of the family coming together. A big thanks all my fantastic reviewers and followers, this chapter did give me a bit of trouble so please be kind.

Enjoy

JJ X x