SUGGESTED AUDIO PAIRING FOR THIS CHAPTER: Kickapoo, by (Tenacious D)
Rock n' Roll Creation:
(And He Saw That It Was Good…)
They came to Ylisse to make war. But war could find no footing where the spirit of Rock n' Roll prevailed.
"HELLLLO PLEGIAAA! ARE YOU READY TO RAWwWwWwWK!?" the legends in the making met them at the border; Miriel on microphone(Miriel has invented the microphone) at the forefront.
"Imma shoot your peg knights and kill your exalt. Fight me, maggots." Gangrel made his approach.
"We could do that. Or we could have a ROCK N' ROLL PARTyYyYyY! k-k-k-YEAH-YAH!" (Rickety Razz-a-ma-Tazz Ricken punctuated the offer with a drum solo)
"A rock n' what now?" Gangrel blinked.
"WE ARE THUNDER HARP AND WE'RE HERE TO ROCK YOUR FUCKING SOCKS OFF…1…2…3…HIT IT!"
Thunder Harp rocked from way up high with a righteous rock. Brigands threw down their axes. Knights removed their armor. The pegasus laid with the wyvern; the Sheppard with the Grimleal. Aversa and Robin made Morgan—publicly and with great fanfare.
The Border Pass became as a mosh pit, and all reveled in an orgy of riffs and treble.
Gangrel decided that he didn't really need to kill the exalt.
Validar decided that waking the fel dragon was a most ungroovy thing to do.
Emmeryn hippy-jammed to "War! What is it good for…absolutely NOTHING!"
Chrom came to the long overdue realization that Cordelia is a sexy bitch. (and Cordelia came to the long overdue realization that Chrom is kind of a tool).
Peace and love reigned among warring neighbors, and all was right with the world. But then…
"Thunder Harp is banned," Emmeryn informed them.
"WHAT!?" Stahl damn-near chucked his dinner plate.
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" Maribelle demanded justice.
"The band or the instrument?" Miriel inquired.
"Both…Father Libra…" the exalt ceded the floor.
"The Holy Conclave hath declared that this debauchery you call Rock n' Roll is the Devil's music. Since you brought this blight upon the halidom the moral character of the people has suffered; the youth disrespect their elders and indulge in intoxicants. Young sirs refuse to toil unto renown and question why it is we have coins and lords. And the maidenfolk have become loose and promiscuous; no self-respect for their bodies or their virtue!"
"Their virtue or Yours?" Cordelia scoffed.
"Chrom plays loose with Sumia, Sully, and Olivia and the church never tells him how to run his shit; what's up with that!?" Stahl challenged.
"Where does a room full of wrinkled old greybeards get off telling women what is and is not self-respect? Its called SELF-Respect! " Since coming down from her high-horse, Maribelle had become more annoyed then most by the stuffy prudes still pretending like their etiquettes and their repressions made them better people. "If Lissa wants to mount Ricken one night and Stahl the next what does she have to be ashamed of—FUCK YOU—men do it all the time!"
"NEW RULE: walking around shirtless means that a man has no respect for his body." Cordelia mocked. "That's a thing now."
"No respect!" Maribelle parroted. "Isn't that a disgusting fact?"
"Vaike is just the worst kind of person…a real masochist, that one…" Cordelia kept it going.
"Dude. Why DO we have coins and lords?" trippy Ricken wondered.
"…"
"..."
"..."
"You're all on drugs right now, aren't you?" Libra sighed.
"With all due respect to your papacy," Miriel said in a tone that suggested anything but respect for his papacy, "Rock n' Roll is new. And teenagers have been lazy, horny, and rebellious since…well…forever. The mechanism of causation you propose is absurd."
"...Father Superior…" Libra ceded the floor to the oldest, frumpiest, meanest clergyman you've had the pleasure of never meeting.
"SINNERS! BLASPHEMERS! FORNICATORS! WHORES! To the fires with ye and yer infernal sound; Naga burn ye all!"
"Our sound saved the life of every knight-sister in Phila's Watch and turned back Plegia at the border, you twat." Corderlia strummed her guitar.
"Saved them…aye…from demon-worshippers and sand savages! Of course those godless heathens were seduced by yer devil music!" the old priest spat. "But the HALIDOM!? My granddaughter was a good lass; studied her scriptures and kept her legs crossed, she did! Now she speaks against the gods and comes home with strange men, and spends her days at the harp singing I Wanna Be Just Like Cordy-D."
"As well she should. I'm insanely talented." The best thing about being a rockstar, Cordelia found, was that she finally had to stop apologizing for that.
"We're going to keep rocking," Stahl told the old priest in no uncertain terms. "You can't stop us."
"…Exalt…" the old priest ceded the floor back to Emm.
"By order of the Holy Conclave, if you do not cease and desist at once you will be exiled from the Halidom."
"EXILE!?" the band collectively shouted.
"Please yield," Emmeryn pleaded. "Don't make this any worse than it already is…" There were precious few things that an Exalt wasn't allowed to do. Telling the church to eat a dick was one of them.
"Ye have a fortnight to surrender yer instruments. What say you?" the old priest demanded.
"Fuck You, Fuck You, and FUCK YOU HARDER," Cordelia flipped off the old priest, Libra, and then the old priest again. "…Emm…you're still cool…"
"Exile it is then?" The old priest chortled.
"Oh no-no-no, we're not going into EXILE," Cordelia smirked. "We're going on TOUR!"
"THUNDER HARP; WORLD TOUR!" Maribelle whooped.
"ROCK N' ROLL!" Stahl dropped the bass.
"WE'RE ROCKIN' REGNA FEROX! WE'RE ROCKING VALM! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE OSTIA IS, BUT WE'RE ROCKING IT!" Miriel was mentally drafting an itinerary.
"IMMA DROP SOME SICK JUNGLE BEATS IN GALLIA! STITCHES, BITCHES!" Before the tour was done, Ricken was going to get freaky with a cat-girl.
"Exile means once you leave you can never come back. You know that, right?" Emmeryn reminded them that this was supposed to be a punishment.
"Then we will wander and spread our sound until we find a place and a people to embrace it," Cordelia resolved. "And one day, when the Halidom faces a threat that only the Spirit of Rock n' Roll can conquer, you will remember the name of Thunder Harp. And you will know where to find us."
So with Rock n' Roll in their hearts (and a cheesy attempt by Chrom to score going-away-sex with Cordelia in their laughter), the band set to wandering.
…and oh how they wandered…
