Author's Note: Some PG-13 fluff in this chapter of course with continued angst :0) Next up will be a short April POV chapter.
Thanks again for everyone for the comments and favorites. You guys are awesome
Chapter Four
If I was a normal teenager this might have been an embarrassingly late development. As it is I feel like it was worth waiting for. I had theories that kissing was something wonderful I was missing out on and would never have the chance to experience. I'm glad I was wrong about some of that assumption. April kissed me, is kissing me and it's strange and new and wonderful. It starts gentle and more than a little awkward until we settle into a slow rhythm and discover how we fit. I don't know who opens their mouth first, but soon the kiss depends and our tongues touch and it's like lightening sparks and warmth and I think I hear her let out a tiny moan.
I keep my hands above her shoulders, even as the itch to move lower is unrelenting. I want to touch every part of her and the inclination only increases when she leans into me further and tightens her grip on the back of her head. My blood rushes in my ears and in places much further downward. I slide one hand down to the arch of her back, half expecting her to pull away. Instead she drags the nails of one hand down the bridge of my shell and lifts a hand to the tie at the back of my head.
"W-wait," I say, knowing what she intends to do.
"I want to see you," she replies in a breathy voice that makes me kiss her again and tighten my grip on her waist.
She drags her nails down the bridge between my plastron and carapace and I shiver beneath the touch. She takes the moment of distraction to lift away my mask. I feel exposed and I follow the mask with my eyes until she wraps it around her wrist and lifts my chin up. She smiles and leans forward, pressing a feather-light kiss on the thin skin beneath my left eye. I blink and she takes hold of my face between her hands.
"There you are," she says with a blush and a smile.
I don't know how to respond to that, or to the way her eyes travel over every inch of my face as though she has never seen it before. She traces a thumb under my eyes and down towards my chin. Her eyes crinkle at the corner and I see something flash quickly across the blue iris like a bird past a window. It's concern and it's sadness. It was only there for a moment, but it was there just the same and it makes my stomach curl into a ball.
She only kissed you because she feels sorry for you.
"Was that…all right?" she asks. A blush burns bright across her face and makes her freckles stand out against her normally pale skin.
She's nervous. April doesn't get nervous. She's always so sure of herself, so confident. It makes me worry.
"Yes," I say, finding the word a struggle. It must open a floodgate because soon I am rambling. "I mean, technically it was wonderful. I mean…well, yes, it was wonderful, but if you…if you don't want. I mean, I understand if…" I trail off and let my hands slide from her back to pull nervously at the strap across my chest.
Her nervous smile breaks down into a small fit of equally nervous giggles and her blush burns across her face and down beneath the collar of her t-shirt. I find my eyes tracing the blush and my mind wondering where else it tints her skin.
Don't Stare!
I clear my throat and consider taking my mask back. "W-was…I mean. If…was it all right for you? I know it was probably different…technically…"
Stop talking. You're ridiculous.
She doesn't respond right away and I slowly ball my hand into a fist in case it decides to start shaking. I can feel a nervous tremble start in the tips of my toes and I shift slightly, making the bed creak and groan beneath my weight. Her hands are on my face again and I freeze. She crawls onto my lap. I take in a sharp breath and my mind clears of everything but her. The way she smells like wildflowers and sunshine and the sleepy flutter of her eyelashes as she leans in close and kisses me once more.
It's different from the first kiss. Where that was sweet and tentative there is now a sense of urgency to the embrace. All pretense of nervousness disappears in the space of a breath and we cling to each other with roaming hands and frantic kisses. She breaks away just enough to lean her forehead against mine. Her chest rises and falls as she tries to catch her breath and I feel my face burn at the realization that my hands are resting dangerously close to parts of her that have been strictly off limits as friends.
"Wonderful," she says and tilts her chin up to kiss my forehead. "You worry too much."
Story of my life.
I let one hand slide down to her elbow and lightly hold the joint in between my fingers. My curiosity is starting to get the better of my common sense and I feel myself beginning to speak before it is advisable to do so. I don't really want to know the answer to the question I hear spilling out of my mouth. I don't want to ruin the moment as I'm not entirely convinced there will ever be another one like it. I want to bask in the fact that I just kissed April. More than once and she is currently sitting in my lap.
"Why?"
It is one, tiny word but it brings the whole, perfect moment to a standstill. She stares at me for a moment with that infuriatingly blank expression on her face and my mind starts to churn with every worst case scenario that could transpire in the time it takes her to answer. She leans back, resting her weight on the tops of my thighs and settles her hands on my arms, toying with the edges of my elbow pad.
She's thinking of a way to let you down gently. It didn't mean anything to her. It was just a kiss, she was probably curious. Don't make it a big deal. Don't scare her away. You're going to lose her.
"Do you want the long answer or the short one?" she says, closing her hand around my mask which is still tightly held in her grip.
I swallow and only offer a shrug in reply.
She lets out an annoyed sigh. "Because," she says and I realize how frustrating my own non-committal response must have been.
She looks up again and her eyes are all fire and determination and nervous, blushing April is a thing of the past. "Because it isn't fair," she says and her hands tighten into fists. "It isn't fair that I had to go to my homecoming dance with someone as a friend and not who I wanted to go with. It isn't fair that you can't go to college and become a famous scientist," she lets out another sigh that is far less stable and shakes around the edges. "It isn't fair that I've…that I didn't kiss you before, because I should have," she crinkles her nose and punches me in the arm. "Or you should have kissed me."
Well, this certainly isn't going as expected.
The shock of her words is even strong enough to subdue the dark and doubtful thoughts lingering on the edge of my mind. The weight of the last few days pushes down on my shoulders and I don't know what to say. I never, in my wildest imagination would have thought there was the slightest possibly that April would want me to kiss her. That the thought had even crossed her mind. I wished it, I wanted it to the point where sometimes standing close to her was enough to cause a very painful and real ache in my chest. I wished it, but I never thought it would come true. I rarely get what I want.
"I didn't…I didn't think you wanted me to," I say, turning my hand over to take hold of her wrist.
The anger and frustration in her eyes lightens and she rolls her teeth over her bottom lip, leaving it wet and glistening and enticing. "I…didn't know what I wanted," she says, crinkling her nose as though trying to turn her thoughts into words is a struggle. "You're my best friend, Donnie. You're the only…you're the one I can always count on and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to ruin it."
She was going to say the only person she can count on. She doesn't even know what to call you.
"You're my best friend too," I reply quietly.
I'm giving her a way out. We could forget this ever happened and just go on as we have been; as friends. I've fought mutants, ninjas and aliens and none of them scare me as much as this young woman and what she might say next. It shouldn't scare me, she shouldn't. It goes against all logic that I would expect her to ever choose me. She shouldn't choose me. We don't fit. I don't fit in her world and it isn't fair of me to drag her into mine. She deserves a life, a real life. A house in the suburbs, above ground, in the sunshine, with a job she loves and a family of her own. I can't give her any of that and it isn't right of me to want to take it from her for my own chance at happiness. How could I ever truly be happy if I knew I was keeping her from all of that?
You're selfish. Tell her it was just a fluke. That you haven't slept. Grow a spine, Coward. Quit trying to drag her down with you.
"I miss you when you're not around," she says and there's that small hitch in her voice that makes me instinctively wrap my arms around her and pull her close. When she hurts, I hurt.
"I'm sorry," I say because I don't know what else I can say.
Nothing I could say would be of any help. I miss her every second she's not around me. I miss her laugh, I miss her intelligence, I even miss the way she teases me. She lets out a chuckle that is peppered with a sniffle.
"You don't have anything to apologize for," she says, placing her hands on my plastron to push away.
She quickly wipes at her face, embarrassed and I avert my gaze to allow her time to compose herself. "When I was at the dance and Casey kept," she doesn't finish the sentence with words but a dramatic roll of her eyes and dismissive wave of her hand.
I feel my jaw tighten in anger as I have a fairly clear idea what Casey Jones kept trying to do.
"When I was there," she continues and adds in another sigh. "Everyone else seemed…they seemed happy and I wasn't. I wasn't happy and I wasn't having fun and it's because I wanted to be there with you and I knew I couldn't…and it isn't fair."
"I'm sorry," I say again like the world's most pathetic broken record. "I wish…I wish I could," I start to ramble out a poor excuse for an explanation and instead trail off into a defeated sigh.
There is no point trying to change things that can't be changed. I open and close my hands and curl my toes into the soft carpet beneath my feet.
"I wish…I wish I could be…"
Normal. Brave. Human.
"What you need," I finish.
My throat threatens to close around each word and it takes all of my self-control not to dart for the window and never look back. Her hands are on my face again and she leans forward to kiss me lightly. I let her. I can't not. My hands slide up her back when she opens her mouth to me and I kiss her like it will be the last time. I feel her tremble under my touch and she presses against me while pulling her mouth away with a sigh.
"You are," she says around panting breathes and heavy-lidded eyes. "That's my point, Dummy," she cranes her neck up and kisses me between the eyes. "I'm the one who should be sorry, for taking so long to realize it."
I should be ecstatic. I should take hold of her and swing her in elation and kiss her until there aren't any kisses left in the world. I should smile and grin and make a fool of myself professing my love. I don't do any of those things. Instead I panic. It starts as a slow, hallow feeling in my chest that grows in the space of two heart beats until my shoulders start to curl in and it feels as though the room itself is closing in on me.
"Do you really mean that?" I ask, my words frantic. "Because…because I don't want you to feel like you have to say it and I don't want you to…to regret it or resent me or…I don't want you to feel trapped."
You ruin every good thing in your life.
She puts her hand over my mouth, stopping any further embarrassment on my part. Stern, confident April is back and she forces me to meet her gaze. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it," she insists. "Unless you're calling me a liar?"
I shake my head, her hand still keeping me from voicing any more panic-riddled opinions. The stern look softens and I catch a glimpse of a blush starting across the ridge of her nose.
"I don't know what this is. I'm not ready to…to call it something, but we can take it slow, all right? We'll figure it out together, like we always do"
She's right. Of course she's right, she usually is. It's just like any other experiment. We'll work it out together. There isn't anything we can't figure out if we put our minds to it. I nod and she takes her hand away from my mouth.
"Maybe that's enough kissing for tonight," she says and adds with a blush that burns almost magenta. "If we keep doing that I'm not sure how slow things will move."
"All right," I croak out a response and she giggles while trying to disentangle herself from her perch on my legs.
I catch a glimpse of the clock and her calculus book that tumbled to the floor while we were otherwise occupied. "Sorry, I guess we didn't get much studying done," I say with a little smile, eager to lighten the mood. I lean over and pick up the book off the floor.
"S'all right," she says. She holds her hair tie in her mouth while attempting to fix her ponytail which has squiggled loose. "Columbus Day."
"What about it?" I ask, tracing my thumb around the edge of the book.
"Tomorrow," she explains, smoothing out her hair. "It's Columbus day, no school," she says. A smile that borders a smirk flutters across her face and the hint of a blush returns to her cheeks. "Besides, I mostly said I needed your help just to get you over here."
Wait…what?
"You…you planned this?" I ask. I can feel my eyes widen and I must have looked like a gaping fish.
She blushes and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Well, no, not exactly," she twists my mask between her hands and avoids my gaze. "I hadn't heard from you in days and I thought…I thought you might be mad at me and…" she trails off and her blush deepens. "Dad is off at a conference in Philadelphia. I thought I'd be fine, but," she lets out an embarrassed laugh. "I guess…I didn't want to be alone."
"I didn't…I thought you'd be busy, with the dance at all. I didn't want to bother you," I say. I add quietly with a bit of a grin. "And you didn't have to make up an excuse to get me over here. You could have just asked."
She laughs and swats my shoulder. "I'm not the only one who hasn't been entirely truthful," she replies.
She runs a thumb along the edge of my eye but does not let her hand linger. "How long have you been awake for?"
She knows that you're not right.
"I slept," I say quickly. My voice is more defensive than I'd like so I add. "It was just a couple days and I slept. I promise."
She's concerned. I can see it in the tightness at the corner of her mouth and the slight narrow of her eyes. I don't want her to be. I don't want her to worry about me or know about the dark thoughts. I never want her to look at me the way my family has the last few days. I can beat this thing. I slept. I'm stronger than this and I don't need pity.
"It's late," she says, not pressing the matter and I love her a little bit more for it.
I nod. "Yes," I say, shifting to my feet. "I should probably get back to the lair."
She takes hold of my hand. I stop and look down at our entwined fingers.
"Stay."
It's a tiny word, only one syllable and said with barely enough power for me to hear it. I do hear it. I hear it like a shout and the nervous clench in my chest loosens and I let myself hope. I hope things can be better. I hope the world will change and we can be together without every logical thing that is keeping us apart. I hope none of that matters and I hope that she really does want me to stay and she isn't asking out of fear or pity or any other less than sincere need for my company.
"If you have to go, I understand," she says when I remain silent.
"I'll stay."
I grip her hand tighter; her skin feels warm and soft beneath my calloused palm. She pulls gently and I sit down again. The bed creaks under the added weight. Her hands move deftly to my elbows and she starts to remove the pads. I sit as still as a statue as she moves on to my knee pads and piles all of them neatly on the bedside table. She pauses at my belt and with shaking hands I undo the rest of my kit and set it aside. She pulls back the blankets on the bed and motions for me to lie down.
I'm under the covers before I can be properly embarrassed that in a way April just undressed me. Her bed is soft and warm and lingers with her scent. She curls up alongside me and I take in a sharp breath when she rests her head on my plastron. She sighs and it sounds content. I'm afraid to move, afraid to breath, afraid that anything I do might ruin this perfect moment. She reaches back for my hand to drape my arm over her body and I relax only a little.
"Close your eyes," she says around a tiny yawn.
"All right," I say, even though I'm still staring down at her transfixed.
"They're not closed," she murmurs and there's a knowing smile on her face. "Close your eyes. Go to sleep."
I do as I am told this time. Letting my eyelids slide shut even though I would rather watch her all night. Her quiet breathing evens out and she lingers on the edge of sleep, her fingers tracing lazy circles on the edge of my plastron. I try to match my breathing to her's and settle on the sound of the cold October wind howling outside the window. There aren't any dark thoughts and I feel sleep pressing against the back of my eyes sooner than it has in ages. Even if this doesn't last, even if this is just for tonight I'm not alone and she asked me to stay. She asked me to say. I couldn't say no.
