Heather…It's been a year since we wrote this for you and we thought we'd give you a little something extra this year...So here's a little crazy for your birthday!

This isn't beta'd and we sorta went a little out...there… Like, way out there...

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Outtake

It's dark where I am. It's dark, but not tight. Not tight, not wet and sticky. Dark, tight, wet and sticky is what I'm used to. Not this kind of dark. This dark is scary and loose.

There are fuzzy things here with me. I don't know what the fuzzy things are but they touch me and if I could move I would.

Where am I?

"EDWARD!"

Oh, it's yelling again, the thing with the loud noise. It yells a lot, too noisy. How do I make it stop?

"OH… GOD… YES! HARDER!"

I used to make things make noises like those. Why can't I? It's what I like. Not down where I am in the dark-but-not-tight. I want the tight back.

I cry. Not real tears, of course. Not even noisy ones. No, my tears are silent, as am I most of the time.

xOx

I can hear noises again. Different noises this time. It's getting warm here. Here where I am in the dark-but-not-tight. But it's warm. Almost as warm as the tight but not quite. Not wet either. I liked the wet, the wet and warm were home to me. I don't like this warm. It is so different. It is warm then cold...warm then cold. And what's with the weird noises that don't sound like the noises I like?

"Bella! Bella, your damn dog is trying to get under the dresser again!"

Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold.

"What the hell is under there that you're so interested in?"

Bright, oh it's bright. Bright like when I was somewhere not dark! Am I somewhere not dark again? Can I have the tight, wet, warm and sticky back?

I'd move or make noise or squeak or clap my hands...if I could. If I had hands, of course.

"Stupid dog, there isn't anything under there. Shoo, go find Bella. BELLA! Come get your dog."

"Jesus, Edward. I just got out of the shower. What's your problem?"

"Oh, baby, you know I love it when you just get out of the shower."

"Edward, stop! I have to get ready for work."

"But I'm ready right now, baby. Come on, you know you want to."

It goes quiet. But then the loud noise starts up again.

"EDWARD! YES, YES, YES!"

I'm jealous.

I'm usually in the tight, wet and dark when noises like that come about.

xOx

The loud noises startle me again. Don't these things do anything else but make the loud noises? Even the other thing didn't want to make the loud noises this much. I love to make things make noise.

Why don't the things that are where I'm not get me to help?

This is so confusing.

I think of the tight, and wet. I wish I was in the tight and wet. The tight, wet thing loved me. It would hug me. All I want is to be hugged and squeezed.

Where am I? I'm still in the dark. Can't I come out of the dark?

"Bella, fuck! You're so tight!"

That's what I want. I want the tight. Let me have the tight!

"YES, OH GOD, HARDER, FASTER EDWARD."

"Shhhhhhh, love. Don't want Rosalie complaining again do we?"

"I.. don't… give a…. fuck. HARDER. EDWAAAAAAAAAARD!"

xOx

Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold. Still not tight. Still dark. Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold.

"Buddy, what are you doing?"

Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold. Still not tight. Still dark. Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold.

"Buddy, come here boy. You want a cookie? Come get a cookie! Cookie. Come. Buddy. Come here."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr."

"Fine. Stay there all day. Damn what in the hell is so interesting under there?"

Fuzzies, fuzzies touching me. Ew. Gross. That thing is pushing the fuzzies into me. Ew.

"I can't feel anything under there, Buddy. Come. Let's go."

xOx

It's dark and there are no noises. I don't know where it went, but it feels like it's been forever since I was touched. Don't they miss me? Don't they miss the feel of me?

"Buddy, come back here!"

Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold.

"What the?"

Ohhh...ohhh... warm and tight. Oh it's not the wet, but this is heaven.

"Holy shit!"

"What's wrong?"

"Edward, what's this doing under the dresser? I thought Tanya had taken it with her."

Mmm… Warm and smooth. Oh, I would purr if I could. How about giving me some tight and wet? Please?

"Babe, I was sure she had. Just throw it out, all right?"

Shaking. Cold and shaking. Wiggling? What are they doing to me? Where is my warm and wet?

"Mmm… you know, from up close, it's not as big as I had first thought."

Stroking. Ohhh yeah, warm. A little to the left. Long strokes. Oh yeah. Give me the wet. Where is the wet?

"Bella, are you serious right now?"

"I bet if I use that disinfectant stuff I clean my other...toys with, we could eh, maybe give this thing a little ride."

Pleasesayyes. Pleassayyes. Oh, please say yes…

"You know I can give you something better than this piece of rubber baby."

Cold. Cold. Nothing but cold. Where am I?

"Mmm… I know you can, but seeing your face was priceless."

"Why Miss Swan, you weren't really willing to have a second hand dildo go in and out of you?"

Shivering. I'm alone again, only it's not dark. I wonder what's going to happen now? The noises start again, and I'm not helping.

"OH YES… FILL ME WITH YOUR GIANT COCK EDWARD!"

"I told you you didn't need that thing."

"Fuck me...FUCK ME!"

"As you wish my lady."

The noises get louder and I bounce, bounce, bounce.

It's fuzzy and warm but not the right warm. I don't know what's going on but the noises are loud.

Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold. Ouch, that's not good. That's warm and wet, but the tight is all wrong. Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold.

"Oh buddy, that's just gross."

Warm but not the right warm.

Cold again. Oh this doesn't feel too good.

"Hey, are you finally throwing that thing out?"

"You bet your ass, I am."

"You know, we should keep it. If it weren't for that thing, we may have never met."

"Aww, baby, I didn't think you were such a romantic."

"You know I am."

Warm. Cold. Warm. Cold. Oh not this again.

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Missy: sorryimnotevenalittlebitsorry. Hope your birthday was awesome just as you are! I think we are officially going to the nut house over this one.

Maple: I'm not even a little sorry for this either, but I mean… he shaved her crotch, you had to figure we'd give you something funny as a follow up ;)

Missy: *giggles* he shaved her crotch… It's very a propos...

Maple: What? Is crotch a Canadian word? :p Should I have said twat instead? Or cunt… wait, you apparently can't say cunt in Canada.

Missy: Shut your face, we have cunts here too, lady! lolol In fact, lets not discuss your CC.

Maple: Awwwww I was just about to say "yeah I know a few cunts". You know me too well! Heather I hope you enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it!

Missy: And please don't judge us, I swear, usually I keep this stuff to myself, you know, because I'm very reserved and all… but I blame Maple… :D

Maple: I will take full blame for this one… I'll wear it like a badge of honour. I think maybe we should wish the birthday girl happy birthday one more time… before the e/n is longer than the outtake :D

Maple and Missy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! :D *whispers* please don't have us committed!