Author Notes: This is another April POV chapter.

Donnie will be back next time around.


Chapter Eight

April

I think I could find my way to the lair blindfolded. Every step is as familiar as the walk to my own home. The muscle memory is so entrenched I can lose myself in thought and still end up at my destination without any unneeded detours. Today is different. I'm nervous. Maybe nervous isn't the right word. Sure my heart is fluttering and my thoughts are more than a little scatterbrained but it isn't like the painful, queasy nervous before a test, it's shaky and makes me blush, but definitely not sick to my stomach. Butterflies, it's butterflies; silly, girly typhoon causing butterflies.

I've been trying to swat them away all day, but they're persistent and clingy. They started flapping their wings when I woke up and my sleepy brain remembered how nice it was to wake up to someone beside me. They flew in circles during my calculus test and were now flitting in my stomach and tickling my ribs as I stood just outside the entrance to the lair. Silly, it is silly and unnecessary. It's Donnie, smart, sweet Donnie. You see him all the time, he's your best friend. It's just Donnie. Well, he isn't just anything anymore is he? Not since his kiss made my knees weak and he spent the night in my bed.

Stop it. You're just encouraging the butterflies. I take a deep breath and smooth out my ponytail before walking through the turnstile with my head held high. I'm sure the others know about what happened and I'm sure there will be teasing. I'm not going to stand for it. It is nothing to be made fun of. The television is set to deafening and Raphael is off to the side taking out his frustrations on the practice dummy. Mikey rolls off the couch and cranes his neck back while offering a smile and a wave when he hears me coming.

"Hey, April," he says with a grin before shoving the remainder of a slice of pizza in his mouth.

"Hey Mikey," I reply, the friendly greeting calming the butterflies somewhat.

Leonardo glances up over the top of his comic book and offers a small nod in greeting.

"He's in his lab," Raph grumbles, punching the dummy so hard it makes the stand sway.

"Nice to see you too, Raph," I reply with enough attitude to make Mikey snicker and Leo take notice.

He holds onto the dummy and fixes me with what I'm sure he thinks is an icy stare. I will not falter. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did you come here to see us?" he asks, motioning around the room to no one in particular.

He's just looking for a fight. I won't give him one. I roll my eyes, knowing full well that my not taking his anger seriously will only bate the bear.

"Grow up," I reply.

I take the steps two at time. I keep my head held up, not giving him the opportunity to respond. The door to Donnie's lab is open a few inches and the small amount of light sneaking out is enough to set my butterflies fluttering again. I push against the inside of the door, using my weight to open it just enough to slip inside.

"She told you, man," I hear Mikey snicker.

It is followed quickly by a mutter of "Shut up, Mikey," and the sound of Raphael hitting something.

Donnie leans over his keyboard with his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. He hasn't noticed I'm there and I take a moment to compose myself. His fingers type at a hurrying pace and never seem to miss a keystroke or move back to correct himself. It is amazing the dexterity he's able to accomplish; considering. I clear my throat and he pries his eyes up from his work at the intrusion. His smile turns into a grin and I don't know why it makes me blush, but it does.

"April," he says, resting his palms on the table top. His voice cracks slightly and he clears his throat around a sheepish grin. "Is school out already? I must have lost track of the time."

I think he is going to meet me halfway across the room, but he stays seated so I close the distance for both of us. I can't remember what I was going to say. I'm sure it was something cool or insightful, but the sight of a large bruise on the side of his face makes me forget my original intentions.

"What happened?" I demand, gently taking hold of his chin to move his face into the light. "Did Raphael…"

"No, no," he says stopping me short, probably sensing my growing anger. "Mikey…"

"Mikey punched you?" I ask letting go of his face when he winces.

"No, well, technically yes, but it's all right," he stammers.

He moves his hands as he talks and rolls his chair away from the desk with a squeal. I'm about to push the issue when I catch sight of his knees. He's not wearing his knee pads and the joints are noticeably swollen and bruised. I stop short of touching him and instead cover my mouth with my hand and hover around him like a concerned helicopter.

"Did Mikey do that too?" I ask.

"What? No, of course not. Master Splinter…"

"Master Splinter did this to you?" I ask in shock.

I forget my nerves and rest a hand on his leg. I pull away just as quickly when he winces.

"No, well…in a way, I suppose yes, but it's all right…"

"How? How is that all right?" I say. I put a hand on my hip and start to tap out an annoyed rhythm on the floor.

"It…it was part of training," he explains, moving his hands again and avoiding my stare. "It's fine, honest. It doesn't even hurt…that much."

My foot stops mid-tap and I let out a small sigh. "It sure looks like it hurts," I say, perching on the edge of the computer desk. "What kind of training was it exactly?"

He squirms in his seat, the movement obviously causing him discomfort. There is something he's not telling me and if I stare at him long enough he'll crack. He's an easy mark.

"Well, training might not be the most accurate description, exactly," he says, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "I suppose, it was more training of the spirit."

"A punishment," I say in a quiet voice that kills the butterflies stone dead.

I asked him to stay and he was punished for it. He reaches a tentative hand out to rest on mine. His face is lined with concern. He's the one covered in bruises and he's concerned about me. It only makes me feel worse.

"It's not like that, April," he says with a sigh. I can see him struggle to put words to his thoughts. "It's a lesson. Sensei he…he has his reasons." A tiny smile cracks his reserve and he glances over my shoulder at the door to make sure we're alone. "Besides, it was worth it."

I don't want to smile. I'm trying to be indignant and outraged. His smile turns into a grin and I can't help but follow. I'm an easy mark.

"Was he mad?" I ask, tracing my fingers over his.

I try not to dwell on the memory of how his hands felt the other night. The fleeting remembrance is enough to start a slow blush across my face and I look down in hopes that he doesn't notice. If he does he doesn't draw attention to it.

"Not mad, per say."

"Then what?" I ask. I chance a quick look up through my eyelashes and notice his grin falters into an embarrassed grimace.

"Um, concerned," he replies with a wave of his other hand.

His shoulders tense and he rolls his head to one side. He desperately wants to change the subject. That much is certain with every small grimace or dart of his eyes. I suppose it was too much to hope for that everything would be all right like I had foolishly promised.

"April, it is good to see you."

Donatello pulls his hand away at the first hint of Master Splinter's voice and rolls his chair back up to the computer. I curl my own fingers into a fist. His hands hover over the keyboard and he stares straight forward at the screen.

"Hello, Master Splinter," I reply. My voice isn't overly friendly and I notice Donnie's eyes open a little wider although he never takes his gaze off the computer screen.

An awkward silence settles on the lab only broken by the click, click, click of Donnie nervously hitting the spacebar on the keyboard. I instinctively reach a hand out to rest atop his to stop him from further typing. His eyes open further until they're almost perfect circles. I think he's holding his breath.

"April, could you please join me in the dojo. I would like to continue our training," Master Splinter says with a slight flattening of his ears.

No, more butterflies. They've been swatted away and replaced with dead moths sitting heavy in the pit of my stomach. He doesn't say anything else. He doesn't give me an opportunity to respond. He turns in one, fluid movement and strides out of the lab with such grace it's as though he's floating. If I trained for my entire life I would never reach a level even close to that. Donnie's hand closes around mine once he's certain we're alone. I sometimes forget how strong he is and wiggle my fingers to let him know to loosen his grip.

"This is not good," he breathes, eyes still like saucers. "Don't go in there. I'll…I'll say you got sick."

"I'm not afraid of Sensei," I reply, prying my hand out of his crushing grip as I hop down from the computer desk.

"I'm not either," he says, a hint of insult clinging to his words. He leans heavily on the desk to push to his feet, letting out a pained hiss through his teeth. "Afraid…I'm not…that's not the right word."

I stand on my tiptoes and take hold of his face, careful to avoid the bruise. "Whatever he has to say I'll listen and that'll be the end of it," I insist.

He doesn't look like he believes me and I'm sure the hard line of my jaw doesn't help my case. He shifts his weight and grimaces at the slight movement. I try to keep my anger hidden. I try to mask it behind an aloof smile, but that grimace and those bruises are Master Splinter's fault. I don't care what life lesson he was trying to impart. He better be ready to listen to what I have to say as well.

"Just…just try to control your temper," he says quietly. "Please."

"What? I always do," I say. I steal a quick kiss, hoping it will distract him. "Everything will be all right, I promise. Okay?"

He sighs and gives a little nod. "Okay."

"Good," I say, fixing my ponytail for what seems like the hundredth time that day. "Put some ice on your knees," I add with a raised eyebrow that just begs him to argue with me.

The walk to the dojo seems to take longer than on any day before it. I keep my head up and my eyes forward, ignoring the snicker off to my left that I'm sure generates from Raphael. He is not my priority at the moment. Master Splinter sits cross-legged under the tree, his hands resting atop his legs with the palms facing up. He lifts one hand and motions to the place beside him without opening his eyes.

"Please, sit, my child," he says.

Normally I wouldn't mind the greeting, but the way he says child cuts under my skin and starts my blood boiling. I sit beside him just the same, pulling my legs up beneath me. I wait him out. If he has something to say I'm not going to be the one to initiate the conversation. He lets out a long, slow breath, only opening his eyes when there is no more air left in his lungs.

"You're angry with me."

It's not a question so I don't answer him. I take in a breath that mirrors his own and stare straight forward. I told Donnie I wouldn't lose my temper. I hadn't intended to keep that promise but the pleading in his voice makes me at least attempt to remain calm. I can see Master Splinter out of the corner of my eye. He reaches up to stroke his beard in thought. He lowers his hands to rest atop his legs once more.

"I don't expect you to understand…"

"So, why don't you explain yourself," I say, interrupting him.

You don't interrupt Master Splinter and the flicker of surprise on his face is there and gone in an instant. I set my mouth in a firm line and try not to wilt under his stare. I don't know if I expect him to rise to anger or to chastise me for not showing him respect. I would not have been surprised by either response. What I am not ready for is the low sigh and slight dip of his shoulders. I know he was once a man. That the body he wears now is not his original, but in that moment he appears more human than rat and it sets me off balance.

"It is hardest for him," he says, quietly. "This…life. It is hardest on him."

The sigh is just a memory, one I can't be certain I even heard or just imagined. He straightens his shoulders and is once again the Sensei I have become accustomed to. I feel some of my anger slip away and something equally unpleasant settles in the pit of my stomach as he continues.

"He understands what it is we are missing. What he and his brothers cannot have and it makes him restless," he says around another ghost of a sigh. "His intelligence, his pursuits they make it difficult for him to remain content with our life."

"So you punish him for it?" I say, my anger crawling up from my stomach. It's red and ugly and makes me curl my face into a sneer. "He wants more out of life so you punish him for it?"

There is a twitch of his whiskers and he raises one slender brow. "That is not…"

"You hurt him. With whatever lesson you meant to teach him. You hurt him," I say, interrupting Master Splinter for a second time. "You were so busy being a teacher when you should have been a father."

I've gone too far. I realize it, but I'm too angry or too stubborn to stop the malicious and accusing words as they tumble out of my mouth. He doesn't say anything at first and I hope beyond reason that maybe he didn't hear me. His slow and steady breath catches and his back straightens. I feel my face burn with a nauseating mixture of shame and anger. He doesn't deserve the brunt of it, but he's there and he's a target I can lash out at. It's the world that I'm angry with and there's nothing I can scream at or hit that can change that.

"Master Splinter, I…"

I try to apologize, the words catching in my throat that seems to grow tighter with each passing second. He raises a hand to stop me and I blink in surprise when he rests it atop my own. He doesn't look at me, for which I am grateful. I'm too embarrassed and ashamed not to crack under his stare and I'm afraid my only recourse will be anger if I try to fight it. I miss the butterflies. I want the butterflies.

"I want what is best for all of my sons," he says and I falter under the sound of his stern voice even without the added stare. "Above all it is my responsibility to keep them safe. Sometimes that means hard lessons. Theirs is not any easy life, April. It is full of sacrifice and struggle. Any lesson I try to teach them is only meant to help them carry that weight; too make them stronger."

His words are bleak and truthful and they make my heart clench in my chest. It isn't fair. I can't escape it, I can't change it and when only a few moments ago that filled me with anger I now settle on despair and it hurts just the same.

"And what about happiness?" I ask. I take in a sharp breath as my voice threatens to tremble. "Don't they deserve that? Don't they deserve to at least try to have more?"

A hint of a smile passes Master Splinter's lips. It's sad and wistful and gone before it barely begins. He understands. He was once a man after all. He understands my frustration and the bitter truth of their existence. The world will never accept them. They fight to save it. They risk their lives and yet they will never truly be a part of it. The only happiness they are likely to find is what they can make on their own.

"You think I told him to stop pursuing you," he says and it isn't a question because Master Splinter knows me well. The sad smile passes his features once more and he lowers his voice. "He cares a great deal for you."

My heart tightens in my chest once more, but this time there is a slight flutter and I think maybe the butterflies aren't entirely dead after all. "I…I care for him," I push the words out around the lump in my throat and there is no taking them back.

I don't want to take them back. They're the truth and I'm not ashamed of them.

His hand tightens over the top of mine and I steady my breathing. "It will not be easy," he says quietly. "And it might not end well," he says, sensing that I'm about to argue because he adds. "You are both very young."

The butterflies start flapping and I fear he can hear their wings. It isn't our differences that have him concerned. It isn't the challenges the world will put in our way. It's something far simpler, something so normal and commonplace it takes me by surprise. Despite my brutal accusation only moments before, his concerns are that of a father above all else. I feel small and naïve in the moment and I understand completely why he called me child.

"Sensei…I…I'm sorry…" I stumble through an apology as my face burns red with embarrassment and shame.

I should have listened to Donatello and not lost my temper. The small smile is back on Master Splinter's face and this time it lingers for more than just a moment and holds warmth instead of sadness.

"There is no need for an apology," he says and lifts his hand away. "I understand what it is to feel someone has hurt one you care for," he adds with a turn of his smile that borders on a smirk. "Although perhaps you should work on controlling your temper."