Every time I think my life cannot get any worse something blows up in my face. How I loathe the day I befriended Severus Snape.

I hate him

I hate him

I hate him

I hate him

I hate him

But, the most terrible thing is I don't hate him at all. Its hurts me to think of what he has done, but it hurts me even more to wish him dead.

I look down at the diary. I wonder why he gave it me back.

Hmmmm.

I place it on my lap and let it fall open. The corner of the book brushes against my side and I twitch in agony. The numbness of the cold has drowned out the pain in my chest for hours, but now, now the burning is back.

I pull myself over to the corner of the balcony cell with my hands. I reach the wall and use it to stabilise myself and lean against it.

It's raining.

The rain pours onto my dirty face and clothes, there is no roof here, just a balcony and gate, imagine a muggle lighthouse with the top cut off. I suppress a shiver.

The moon is the only form of light I have, I look down at the sodden diary clasped in my bloody hands and begin to do the one thing I have faith in. Read;

Monday-

Harry potter started today, sorted into Gryffindor, no surprises there. He is the spiting image of his father, apart from the eyes. He has Lilly's eyes.

Hmmmm.

Thursday-

Potter shows no skill in potions, clearly he has not inherited his mother's capability for the subject. He has made friends with one of the Weasley clan and a muggleborn witch that has the staff in an uproar. Apparently she has already proven, within her first week, that she is capable of achieving great things. Minerva has already placed a bet with me that she will beat any Slytherin in potions. I highly doubt it.

Friday-

Gave the first years a surprise test. Minerva won her bet. As did Dumbledore, it turns out there was quite the wager going around with the staff. I was at odds of 52/1 where as Granger had 3/2. I seriously question the sanity of the staff here.

I smile to myself and flip forward a few pages.

Tuesday-

Have informed Dumbledore about the Quirrel situation. Surprisingly the old fool just handed me a sherbet lemon and told me it was being dealt with. I must make him see the threat here.

Wednesday-

Tried to corner Albus again, found him conversing with a painting on the 7th floor, asked him what he was doing about the situation and he just gave me another sherbet lemon and walked off humming. I seriously thing there is more than sherbet in those lemon drops of his.

Friday-

Have completely given up all hope of expressing my feelings to Albus. I am convinced he has gone stark raving mad. I have a pocket full of Lemon drops now and every time I catch his eye he slips another one over to me. At dinner this evening I asked him to pass me the brandy and he did so, but with his other hand slipped a sherbet lemon under the table to me with a wink and a twinkle in his eye as if it were contraband, which I wouldn't doubt they were. I have no idea how anyone is supposed to survive in this place without the aid of drugs.

Hehehe. It makes perfect sense, and explains a lot.

Hmmmm. I flick forward a couple more pages and years in fact.

Monday-

Have just found out Granger is dating Victor Krum. How disappointing, not that it's my business, but I would have thought she could have done better than that. At leas find someone who matches her intellect. Krum has a brain the size of a pea and would make Crabbe and Goyle look good.

No it isn't your business.

Tuesday-

She did look stunning at the Yule Ball though.

Wednesday-

Not that it's my place to judge.

Thursday-

I really must distance myself from that girl. She does dangerous things to my mind.

Friday-

I admire her inelegance and thirst for knowledge and will admit that, but there is something else there. I find myself staring at her during class. I must distance myself further from her.

Monday-

I am spiteful to her and that way she leaves me alone. No doubt she wouldn't want to talk with me anyway, no one does, but this way she is out of my sight quicker than most.

So that's why he was mean? Hmmmm. What a totally confusing man.

I skip forward a few more years still.

Wednesday-

It seems Potter and Weasley along with Granger have took up residence at the Order HQ, It's like a nursery now I can't breathe for all the read-heads running about the place.

Thursday-

Albus had me make my report today. I explained how the Dark Lords plans were growing more elusive, he has found a way into potters mind. Albus has ordered that I teach the boy Occulmency. Great, more hours of my life to waste on attempting to teach the boy.

Monday-

Beginning of new tern started along with Potters lessons. The boy really has had a troubled past. Shame.

Sarcastic git.

Tuesday-

I will appeal to Dumbledore himself, the boy is un-teachable. He is harbouring too many feelings for a certain Weasley read-head. I was surprised to find he has overlooked Granger completely. He sees her as just a friend. He is lucky to have such friends, without her in the 'Golden Trio' he would be nothing.

How I would love to dive into her mind. On a strictly professional basis of course.

Ha. Yeah right.

I skip to another year.

Tuesday-

Draco is an idiot. He has taken the mark. I have told Albus obviously, I have also told him about the vow I took. He reassured me that I have done the right thing thought I am not sure. I have a sneaking suspicion what his plans are.

Thursday-

I was correct, the old man is more of a fool than I ever imagined. He has asked me to take his life to save myself and Draco. He had begun to teach Harry what he needs to know to survive alone. I think it is ridiculous. Dumbledore is a much greater asset to the wizarding world than I ever will be. He has asked me to continue as a spy and ensure Harry gets all the help he can. Impossible.

I can't believe what I am reading. The rain outside, the coldness of the floor, and the burning pain in my side all stop as I turn a few pages to that night on the astronomy tower.

Friday-

It has happened. I feel sickened with myself. I knew the time had come, Narcissa told me Draco had found a way in. I informed Dumbledore and he took Harry away from the castle. They returned and I remained in my chambers waiting to be summoned. The time came and I left my chambers Granger was there, I didn't want her getting hurt or worse so I shut her away.

It didn't work, she got out.

Albus stood on the top of the tower, Draco has his wand pointing at him, I knew Draco wouldn't stomach it when the time came. I stepped forward, he begged me to do it and feeling worse than I ever had in my whole life cast the curse. I couldn't stay to watch, that and I knew Harry would be after me and I needed to follow Dumbledore's orders and join the Death Eaters. A fate worse than death. I have just killed my mentor, my friend a man who was like a father to me. I have nothing left.

"Oh my God" I whisper quietly to myself. I paw the page where I can see old tears have stained them. I take a deep breath that shudders in my throat. I read on.

Monday-

I heard that Potter and the Weasley's survived. Along with most of the order.

For that I am glad. Hermione Granger also came out ok. I as read it in the Daily Prophet my heart skipped a beat. She's ok. She's ok. I repeat it to myself.

I think of her regularly. Sometimes when alone I imagine she is here, I have whole conversations with her about books, potions, spells anything; it gets me through the day. If only she knew what a savoir she has become to me.

A tear rolls down my cheek and slices my already sodden skin. My wet eyelashes cut into me as I blink the remaining tears away.

I will not cry for him.

I reach the part of the diary I have already read before back at Snape's manor and close the book with a snap.

I look up at the sky and pray that somewhere out there Harry is safe, along with Ron and Ginny.

I miss them so much.

More silent tears roll down my cheeks, and I fall into an uneasy sleep against the cold, hard wall.