Mornings now consist of Delphine throwing ingredients prepped the night before into her crockpot and turning it on low. She's been doing this every morning lately, to maximize her time with Cosima when she's awake, and save them time when it comes to eating dinner. She'll wake Cosima after she makes breakfast, she starts that too - preparing a meal for both of them. No need to wake Cosima until it's absolutely necessary.
Cosima is asleep in her bed, tired, always so tired. Cosima can hide it well enough at the lab, in front of Scott, but Delphine is with her nearly all the time. She sees the decline, more than anyone else. She watches Cosima closely, she still puts on her makeup, still smiles all the time, still cuddles up to Delphine, and still tries to initiate sex. Cosima clings on to life, and living, with both hands and all her teeth - she's not giving up easily and for that Delphine is grateful.
She pokes her head back in the bedroom, to find Cosima still asleep in the middle of the bed, the only noise she can hear is Cosima's breathing - not as steady as she'd like - but ever present. The coughing is typically worse at night, Delphine has been woken by it several times herself but never says anything, simply hands Cosima a tissue, and stays as close as Cosima permits.
She's used to having a separation between sex and love. Sex was typically accompanied by lust, fear, or resignation. Practically speaking, sex was most recently a bargaining chip for her career, a little something extra to throw in because he wanted her to. With no real relationships of her own in some time, she'd had little reason to refuse. She'd feigned passion in hotel rooms, but adored her work enough to compensate for the lack of personal life. Delphine pauses to consider, if she hadn't agreed to Leekie's propositions, she may never have been assigned to Cosima. She cannot bring herself to regret anything that brought her here.
Cosima stirs slightly, she makes a small noise in her sleep and clutches the blankets to herself more tightly. Delphine feels her heart swell in response. Love was something new. But Cosima has always been able to reach her emotionally, even from the start. Delphine wants to take care of her, she wants to save her, she wants to love her.
She curls herself on the bed facing Cosima, who is sprawled out on her mattress. She hesitates to wake her, she seems so peaceful. Delphine is aware she spends far too much time looking up reproductive disorders and autoimmune diseases. Symptoms, treatments, cures - if they exist. All have one thing in common; pain. The suggestion that Cosima may be experiencing pain during sex haunts her all day. More so than Cosima being sterile, she knew from the beginning after all. Only Sarah was different, Delphine wondered if they'd ever learn why, if they could without compromising Kira's safety further. Cosima never said a thing about it, though she knew she would never be pregnant, never birth children. Delphine had to hush the little voice in the back of her head that volunteered that she could, she would do that for Cosima, if she wanted - if they wanted. Kira. Her thoughts return to the child, the anomaly.
Could she even save Cosima without compromising Kira? Stem cells from the pulp of baby teeth were one thing - Cosima was booked for the procedure tomorrow. It was invasive, but what other options did they have? Anything more from Kira, while it could save Cosima, would threaten the child's well-being. Allowing the child to be brought into DYAD? Sarah would never allow it. She wasn't completely unethical, she would never harm a child. The child was innocent, the unintended consequence of an experiment. She would never have trusted DYAD, not even with the knowledge the child existed. But the facts remain the same any way she thinks it through - the child does exist. She is a proven match for Cosima.
Isn't saving Cosima worth anything? Cosima would never permit the treatment if she knew. Cosima's life is at the top of her priority list, it should be, Delphine reassures herself. Betraying Cosima to save her? Justified.
She wakes Cosima with a soft kiss to the forehead, followed by pressing her lips softly to Cosima's own. She knows Cosima is awake when she feels her kissing back, an arm is thrown over her shoulders.
Cosima releases her with a sleepy smile, "Morning," She manages groggily, "Best way to wake up ever by the way."
"Viens manger." Delphine coaxes, "We have to leave for work soon."
"Alright." Cosima sits up and makes her way into the kitchen. She seems steady enough on her feet for now, "More soup?" Cosima calls from the vicinity of the eat-in kitchen.
"It's for tonight." Delphine answers back, slipping into the bathroom to get ready. Showering quickly before Cosima is finished eating - making sure that her shower will stay hers alone, and that Cosima will conserve her energy. She joins Cosima in time to eat a quick breakfast and wait for Cosima to finish putting her eyeliner on.
She doesn't interrupt, she doesn't even enter the washroom to watch her. Just waits.
"Ready." Cosima smiles, fully dressed and approaching the door.
"Good." She holds the door for her lover. She hopes she can convey her love and desire without sex. She tries kissing her more often, touching gently as often as she can and doubts it's enough.
Scott is in the lab when they arrive, she watches Cosima approach him and join him in whatever he's doing. Probably more clone genomes. Delphine smiles, satisfied by her choice in hiring, Scott cares for Cosima - Scott has no idea she's the subject.
She should leave, she has other things to do - a procedure to prepare for the following day. But she cannot bring herself to leave the lab, to leave Cosima - even if only for a few hours. Not just yet.
Delphine eventually leaves to prepare one of the surgical bays, to book the anesthesiologist, the doctors, the equipment, the technicians. It's so easy, there's no reason for Cosima to know. Preferably ever, but not until after the procedure is done. How could saving Cosima be betraying her? She told her she'd try anything, and she'd meant it.
Later that night, Delphine lays on her side facing away from Cosima, eyes closed. She is trying to sleep, she is Cosima's physician as well as her lover, and she knows Cosima is not well enough. She coughs up blood too frequently, is exhausted by the time she gets her home from DYAD and makes her dinner. Not everything has changed - she still lights candles, still makes an effort to romance Cosima, who smiles and jokes lewdly at her through dinner.
There's no denying it anymore: Cosima is pale, thinner, fading. She won't submit her to the intensive treatments Jennifer endured, they hadn't worked and would only serve to make Cosima sick from a treatment as much as a cure.
And yet Cosima's leaning into her, her hands ghosting along her body, even through the thin fabric of her nightgown it lights a fire in her. Cosima palms her breast from behind, causing her to arch into her. Not tonight, the more rational side of her brain insists, Cosima has her procedure early tomorrow morning. They both need their sleep.
"Mmmm." She moans contentedly into Delphine's skin, Cosima's moving, no longer simply spooning but rolling her hips into Delphine. Lips find her neck and begin to kiss.
She lets out a breathy sigh, she had convinced herself that she didn't need this. But she does, she craves Cosima near constantly. She allows Cosima to continue, her breath coming faster, surely just a little won't hurt. Cosima's breathing is uneven and ragged, and for a brief moment Delphine can convince herself it's purely arousal, that Cosima is desperate for her and breathing heavy out of passion.
"Cosima." She breathes, closing her eyes, forgetting for just a moment. Before she's struck by an image of Cosima's chest x-ray from a week before. The moment fades. Delphine jumps out of bed frustrated, she hears Cosima groan.
"No... Come on, Delphine... it's been three days." Cosima whines. It's true, only the last three days has she completely avoided sex. Delphine knows she should have cut Cosima off sooner, she hadn't been ready to give that up, she never wanted to. Mostly Cosima has been tired enough, and accepted Delphine's fatigue from work as an excuse. But here alone in her bed it's harder to hide from Cosima.
"You are not well enough Cosima." Delphine shakes her head, she walks into the washroom and closes the door. She's aroused, her body doesn't seem to notice the difference. She wants her anyways. She sheds her clothing as she starts the water running, she needs to relieve the tension somehow and hopes that this will hide what she is doing from Cosima.
Delphine steps cautiously into the spray closing the curtain, listening for Cosima's sounds from the next room. It's quiet, she must be exhausted. Cosima will sleep, Delphine reassures herself.
Her fingers toy at the edge of her sex before pressing in, but in her mind it's Cosima she's inside. Cosima; healthy, flushed and strong. Cosima; the way she looks when she's about to come, the way she moves underneath her. Delphine imagines Cosima grasping at her skin, her shoulders, her ass. 'I love you, Delphine', her fantasy moans repeatedly as her fingers work quickly. Into Cosima, into herself. Je t'aime à folie, Delphine thinks, she doesn't dare say it aloud in case she's interrupted. That is what she wants to hear, say, moan, cry out whenever she touches Cosima.
The curtain is thrown open, real Cosima stands there naked, paler, thinner but her expression... Cosima steps into the shower cautiously, and just looks at her, eyes moving down to see Delphine's hand moving between her own legs. She stops suddenly, the fantasy shattered and the mood broken.
"Do I feel too sick to you now?" Cosima asks, approaching her, stepping into the shower and closing the curtain behind her.
"Yes. Sometimes." Delphine nods, removing her hand from herself, meaning to rinse off her fingers.
Cosima catches her hand and pulls it to her mouth, sucking the arousal into her mouth, letting her eyes close in pleasure as she does so, "Mmm." She hums contentedly, until Delphine gently pulls her fingers from Cosima's mouth.
"You don't have to hide like this from me. You can do this in bed right next to me, if you want." Cosima offers, "Or..."
"Cosima." She warns, but the rest of the warning doesn't follow, she just looks at her.
"Come back to bed." Cosima starts, "Just ... one more time. I'm ok. I can handle it."
"Until you're better." Delphine states, in what she tries to make a confident voice. Cosima will get better, she has to, they've barely even started...
"Until I'm better. Then we'll go all night until sunrise for weeks on end." Cosima nods, "I want you, one last time. Come on."
"You shouldn't exert yourself." Delphine offers up lamely, turning off the shower spray and reaching for a towel.
"Well... either you can help me or I'll get myself off. Similar exertion. Your call." Cosima shrugs, gesturing this phrase out with her hands.
She follows Cosima to bed and lays down, not bothering to cover herself, "You shouldn't waste your energy."
"You are not a waste of energy." Cosima shakes her head, sliding up next to her, "Your pleasure is never a waste of energy."
It doesn't feel joyful anymore, though she pulls Cosima into her arms and moves against her the same way. Kisses her the same way, lets Cosima's hand slip down between her legs and take over what her own had begun. Her hand is not as strong as it once was, but it doesn't matter. It's still Cosima touching her, eyes locked and hips gently rocking.
She thought this would be over quickly, but Cosima touches her slowly, delicately until she finally comes and cries, tears streaming silently down her face.
"You know," Cosima remarks casually, "I thought you were lying about the cry after sex thing but you really do sometimes."
"Yes." Delphine answers simply, with you, she adds to herself silently. It's Cosima that brings this out in her, that touches her deeply.
"I don't mind, you know, if that's just what your body does. It's fine." Cosima reassures her, kissing her face softly, cupping her face in her hands staring at her like she wants to commit this to memory. Delphine knows she often tries to do the same thing. Cosima moves back slightly,
"Je veux te plaire." Delphine whispers, her own hand moving down Cosima's body, stroking gently at skin, gliding her fingers over ribs that she can now count far too easily. She lets her fingers slide through curls only to discover that Cosima isn't wet, at least, not like she always is. Delphine blinks in surprise, looking back at her.
Cosima shakes her head, closing her eyes, "It's fine, just hold me. I'm so tired."
Delphine wraps Cosima tightly in her arms, clinging to her until she falls asleep.
