Of course, Cosima does not come home. Though, how could she have expected her to? Even so, Delphine had waited, to eat - to go to bed... all of it, hoping that Cosima would show up. Stupid...
She'd hidden the source of the stem cells, and when confronted Cosima had lashed out at her again. Get out. It was always 'get out'. In the end, she'd given up her argument and left meekly. Delphine shakes her head remembering.
At least this time without wounding as deeply- there were no implications that she couldn't please Cosima sexually. No, she'd done something far worse this time than touch Cosima clumsily through lacy panties. Worse than lying about her name or who she was. Worse than trying to bring her to Leekie, recruit her to DYAD. Though, in the end - she had, from DYAD's perspective - filled her obligation as monitor.
Cosima's lab. Cosima's body. Cosima was the science. It should be Cosima's decision. All true.
The tests were positive, the stem cells a match - it made sense to push through with the treatment. Also true.
Cosima's autonomy. Compromised. Cosima's life? Still hanging in the balance. Also true. Delphine rolls again, unable to sleep.
She stares at the ceiling, wondering about Cosima. Where is she now? The hotel? At Scott's? With Sarah? Felix's loft? The only chance of keeping Cosima alive is a treatment she's determined to refuse. She thinks of Ethan Duncan - the original genome? Do they have enough time to devise other treatments? A cure?
Delphine flops around in her bed, it feels too big for one person. It still smells like Cosima. She gets out of bed and rummages in the fridge, grabbing a fork and eating leftover thai food at her kitchen table. She shovels the food into her mouth, not thinking of anything other than how Cosima loves it. How she jokes and laughs as she eats. Delphine repacks the leftovers when she's done, throwing her fork into the sink, not bothering to really clean up.
She returns to her bed only to cradle her head in her hands. This day was too much. DYAD. Fighting with Cosima. Why won't she just let Delphine save her? Or at least try... It's only a tooth, the child was not harmed. She stops her justifications, there's no point. Cosima isn't in the wrong. She is.
Cosima. Her bed is too empty without Cosima, she misses her company, her voice, her cheeky remarks. Tomorrow she will go to the lab, try to talk to Cosima... maybe it will be okay. Cosima has been love and best friend to her, practically since they met - maybe she could make this blow over, like their first fight. Her life was far too lonely before becoming a monitor, before falling in love with her subject - is that why Aldous chose her for this assignment? Had he guessed that she'd be drawn to Cosima as a friend? As a lover?
Delphine rolls over to check the time before picking up her cell phone and dialing a familiar number. Who else is she going to call? Who else would listen? She feels silly for a moment, listening to the phone ring against her ear.
"Allô?" A very familiar voice answers, soothing - to Delphine at least.
She waits before speaking, unsure of what she's going to say, "Maman?"
"Delphine?" Her mother responds, surprised at her caller, "Qu'est-ce qui passe?"
Her mother is right, she doesn't usually call - in fact she hasn't since Cosima had moved in with her. It never changes between the two of them. They have the same fight, her mother is annoyed she left France - and never hesitates to bring it up. Her mother doesn't understand her passion for her work, her love of medicine and research, her unwillingness to be 'just a doctor' in France. But not this time, Delphine needs this conversation to go differently.
"Toi me manque." Delphine responds honestly it has been too long since she spoke to her mother, "J'ai... J'ai rencontré quelqu'un et..."
"Ma grande," Delphine hears her mother pause as she lights a cigarette, the click of the lighter unmistakable to Delphine, "Attends un moment."
She cannot tell her everything - but the story slips out piece by piece, in many ways it resembles the truth. She'd met someone through work, fell instantly, and they were fighting. No details, no clones, just a simpler story than the one she was actually living. Her mother listens, though when she explains Cosima is a woman there is a long silence on the other line. She waits for it to sink in.
"Cosima? Une femme?" Her mother repeats making sure that she heard her correctly, "Quoi? Soudainement t'es lesbienne?" A lesbian now? No. She was still attracted to men, though right now she could not care less if she ever slept with a man again. Delphine didn't want women either, she wanted Cosima.
Delphine swallows before responding, "Non, mais amoureuse de Cosima quand même."
It's not the conversation she intended on having, not about love and sex, sexuality as a great spectrum, but her mother - to her credit - listens and smokes and asks questions.
Bisexuality sounds funny slipping from her mother's mouth - but it is far more pleasant than any other conversation she's had with her mother in months. Perhaps because they are actually talking, actually listening to each other.
She talks of Cosima, quitting smoking, and work keeping her busy. She never provides details on her work at DYAD beyond 'immunological research' and her mother never asks for more. Eventually topics turn to her brothers. Zoé has begun teething - Marc and Julie happy, but always tired. Sebastien working in Nisse, for the time being. Her mother then speaks of her new boyfriend, and a planned vacation to Spain for the two of them, Delphine listens, asks the polite questions before her mother hints she has breakfast plans and must go.
The conversation leaves her with an urge to smoke, instead Delphine gets up and applies a new nicotine patch to her skin - she's not compromising on that, before climbing back into her bed. Empty for the first time in weeks.
It's too quiet in her bed, too cold, surprised to find she no longer likes sleeping alone. Delphine muffles a laugh into her pillow, sleeping alone had been her preference for so long. Better than feeling Aldous against her back during the night, or grab at her body sleepily, having to continue to fabricate passion and interest. Ever resisting the urge to swat his hands off her body, pull them off her breasts.
She misses feeling Cosima's soft small body pressed to her own, misses smelling her. The scent of her skin, the heady scent of her arousal. Her mind offers images, memories of holding Cosima, loving Cosima...
It's strange to think that the first time she'd gone to bed with Cosima, that she'd comforted herself by thinking it is not really sex. That Cosima's being a woman made it less somehow, as if that made it less of a betrayal. Less real, less relevant that she was her monitor, that Cosima didn't even know her real name. Even though she was unable to deny the heat and arousal her own body felt kissing Cosima, touching her - somehow having missed for days that the attraction between them could be sexual. Could be... everything. It wasn't sex - she'd told herself, how foolish she'd been.
Until it was, Cosima moving over her, inside of her... undeniably sex. Her own neediness and longing, grabbing at Cosima from underneath her. Shuddering, shaking as she kissed her, as she held her eyes, as she came for her twice. Cosima's tenderness, her concern when she'd found Delphine was crying. She'd cried because it had touched her, cried because she had no choice but to betray Cosima, cried because she feared she'd lose Cosima when she learned the truth. The memories bring a low heat to her body, she shakes it off, rolling over again.
Delphine scoffs at the lie she'd been told, just foreplay - a few half-hearted licks if she was lucky, fingers touching until she was wet enough for 'real sex', or bringing her to orgasm as if it were something to get over with before they sunk into her. Delphine had enjoyed it all, of course, when she'd actually been attracted to her partner. How long ago had that been? Med school? Maybe before? It wasn't any less with Cosima. It was more, perhaps, because she is in love with her. Delphine flops back against her pillows, sleep will not be coming easily tonight. And tomorrow - she will try again, back to Cosima, back to the lab... maybe it will work. Maybe she'll get Cosima to listen to her.
