AN: Hey, look it's another chapter... Sorry there isn't any Caskett in this one. Stick with it until the end though, there's some important stuff at the bottom... :P


She took her time getting ready for her appointment with Doctor Burke. She was equally excited and nervous for it. Sure, she had some really great news to share with the doctor, to get his opinion and feedback on, but she also knew that she had to tell him what she had almost done, and she was dreading that. So she dawdled, she took her time thoroughly dispersing first the shampoo, then the conditioner through her hair. Then meticulously shaving her legs and underarms, among other places. She let out a sigh of relief at the knowledge that at least she had done the same procedures when she wore that black dress, so things weren't out of control down there last night…

So she went about her morning routine, often catching herself daydreaming about their activities from the night before and this morning. She had some regrets about not finishing what she started this morning, but when she looked at the clock on her phone, and realized she only had half an hour until her appointment, she let those thoughts slide. She shrugged on one of her many leather jackets, slipped her cell and wallet into her purse, which she slung over her shoulder, and when she bent down, she felt the stretch and pull of the muscles in her lower back. There's always tonight… She thought as she slipped on a pair of boots, heading out the door.

She reached Doctor Burke's office just in time. He arched an eyebrow at her from the door to his office when she panted slightly, as she had decided the stairs were faster than the elevator. She ducked her head briefly, and his probing eyes followed her as she made her way to her usual chair by the window.

"So, Kate, in a bit of a hurry today?" He asked, settling into his chair opposite her.

She blushed, "I just didn't want to be late," she let out in a rush.

"Right, and why is that?" He questioned easily.

"Um… because I'm fairly certain we're going to need the entire hour today," she laughed, shaking her head slightly. "There's a lot to talk about…" she trailed off.

"Well, where would you like to start?" He tried to keep his tone neutral, but his lips quirked ever-so-slightly. He wanted to let her feel that the information was hers to give up as she saw fit, but he knew that with enough prodding she would tell him everything anyway.

"I really don't know," she sighed and ran her fingers through her hair to push it back off of her face. "I think I should probably start with the fact that Castle was seeing another woman very briefly, which happened to pretty much coincide with my decision to tell him how I felt," she caught herself, "how I feel about him."

"Alright," he thought for a moment, "you said he was seeing someone else, so I take it that is over now?" At her nod, he continued, "Did you tell him of your feelings?"

"Eventually…" She huffed, gathering herself, "but that didn't happen until after some pretty bad things almost happened, and it wouldn't have happened at all if those other things had happened, and then after, other things happened, and I'm just… happy… but at a loss for what to do next," she let out in one long breath.

"Okay," he drew out. She obviously hadn't thought of how to phrase any of that, so he made sure that he was clear in his responding question, "How about you tell me about some of these happenings, in as much or as little detail as you see fit, and we'll go from there?"

She drew one leg up under her, subconsciously diverting attention while she collected her thoughts. "This is- this- I don't know where it came from, and I know for a fact that I don't feel that way at all anymore, which makes it even more confusing…" she shook her head.

"Would you care to elaborate on what 'this' is?" He was fairly sure he had an idea, all that self-doubt, not hard to see where that would lead.

"Sorry," she looked up at him briefly, before toying with a piece of lint on her pant leg. "I went to a really dark place yesterday, and in the end, I decided not to go through with it without knowing where we both stood, but the fact that I was that close to- to… giving it all up…" she trailed off again, hoping he would put the pieces together.

He took a few moments to formulate a response. It may not have come as a surprise that she had been having those types of thoughts, but it was a bit of a disappointment that she hadn't given him a call. He shook his head to clear it and waited to catch her eye again before he spoke, "Kate, this isn't something you've ever expressed to me before, have you had feelings like these in the past?"

"Well, not in the time that I've been seeing you," she admitted, "I mean, the last time was – was after my mother was murdered, and my dad became an alcoholic… but I got over that a long time ago, I healed, and I have already gotten past this… and I think I'm pretty well healed from that too, I just- I figured I should tell you."

"It was right of you to have told me, yes." He nodded, and continued his questioning, "Can you tell me what changed your mind?" He was pretty sure of this answer as well.

"Castle," she breathed, "but that's obvious."

He nodded again, "Yes, I assumed that, but what else? Can you tell me specifically what set your mind down that path, or what brought you away from it?" He clarified after a few moments, "It's important to know, in case anything like that were to ever happen again. Did you sort things out on your own, or did Castle help you through it?"

"Well, Castle had been pulling away more and more the last couple of weeks, and I didn't know why. Then when I finally felt ready to tell him how I feel about him, thanks to Lanie's prodding, he showed up at a crime scene in his Ferrari with another woman," she grumbled. "Things were really weird and hectic this last week, and I thought I had soldiered on pretty well, I waited around for him like I always thought he was doing for me, and then he left with that other woman, seemingly without a second glance back at me."

"And that made you feel what? Envious? Betrayed?" He asked, trying to get a handle on her emotional state at the time.

"I guess betrayed works…" she trailed, "but I guess he was sort of in the right… He heard me when I was in an interrogation, I didn't even know he was in the observation room. He heard me tell the perp that you don't just forget a traumatic event, you remember everything, every detail. So, without him knowing my actual feelings, despite my attempts to hint at them, he was lead to believe that I didn't feel the same way. All that time we spent tip-toeing around each other after my shooting, I thought we were building towards something, and after hearing what I said, he looked back and viewed himself as some sort of sick puppy, following me around for scraps."

"I take it those are his words?" He intoned.

"Something like that, yeah." She nodded, placing her head in her hands lightly.

He took that to mean they had spoken, but he needed more information about her state of mind, "Let's back up though, you felt betrayed, what else?"

"I felt like it was all too late, and that since he was the only thing I was really living for, there was no point," she admitted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Is he all you're living for though? What about your mother's case? Your father's sobriety?" He worried briefly that she may have put too much stock in her relationship with her partner.

She pulled her arms tighter around herself as she thought of her answer. "I guess you're right, there's plenty more for me to live for, but at the time, I just thought that it was all going to be too much for me to shoulder alone."

"I assume you mean the case?" He questioned.

"That, and the day to day cases we deal with. He brings a lot of levity to a grief-filled career, I honestly don't know how I did it before he came around," she sighed.

"Obviously you did well enough on your own, you got your job done, made some good relationships along the way." He wanted her to realize that Castle didn't make her, so he couldn't break her.

"I know that I kept up appearances and such before Rick came around, but I wasn't nearly as happy, didn't let my hair down as much, you know? I think he made me a better version of myself."

"That may be true, but I want you to realize that you have a lot going for yourself. A lot of people look up to you and depend on you, and that is always something you can live for." He thought his outlook might sound kind of hokey, like something Dr. Phil might say. He shook his head to clear it, "But that shouldn't be your top priority. Live for yourself before you live for others."

"Yeah, you're right, it's just kind of hard, you know, to push past everything that I went through and not want to just go out and get justice for everyone else in my mother's name," she admitted, rubbing her hand up and down her calf, watching the color change, much like her life, as she brushed her fingers over the material.

"Alright, well we have a solid start on the why you were thinking that way. How about we talk about what stopped you?" He asked.

"I just thought I owed it to myself to know why he was suddenly pulling away, why he didn't seem to want to wait around any longer." She shrugged, thinking that was a good enough reason.

The conversation lapsed for a few moments, but he decided that was enough of a start on her thoughts and reasoning. He provided some prompts to get the conversation flowing again, "I take it that you two did talk about your feelings, then? Did you talk about anything else?"

"Yeah, we talked about our feelings," she grinned up at him, her eyes lighting up, "he told me he loves me, still, and I- I told him the same." Her smile at that point was so bright that the doctor couldn't help smiling himself.

"That's great, Kate." He nodded, crossing his legs at the ankles in front of him, a rare tell of his relative ease with the situation. "Did you share any of your other feelings with him, or vice versa?"

"I did, we did, I suppose. I told him about the thoughts I had been having, and we had a discussion about where we stand, and to an extent, where we want to go. He told me about why he was pulling away lately, and I wanted to smack myself for that, but once we had it all out on the table, things seemed really easy, natural."

"And I take it you're happy with that?" He questioned, knowing that she didn't always pick the easy, natural route.

"Of course!" She exclaimed. "I've had enough of complicated for a while, I think if he and I can keep up a natural flow of conversation, keep telling each other what's on our minds, we'll be safe."

"Wow," he said, surprised.

"Wow?" She questioned.

"Sorry, I just didn't really think that you would be the one to suggest that communication would be key in your relationship with Mister Castle, as it always seems to have been the weak point in the past." He chuckled, hoping to convey that he was at least somewhat joking.

She laughed outright, one loud HA, followed by a couple of breaths down her nose. "Yeah, I guess our communication hasn't ever been that great, but I think we're doing okay now, maybe this is a clean slate?"

"As much as everyone wants a clean slate, Kate, that's never going to happen. You will both be bringing things with you into this relationship, and you both need to be fully aware of what these things are," he counseled. Some others in his profession might have encouraged the clean slate approach, but he felt his view was more realistic, and would help more in the long run.

"I guess you're right," she paused, rubbing her forehead with a couple fingers before she continued, "maybe a clean slate is a bad metaphor," she thought for several moments, "Castle is so much better at metaphors than I am," she finally let out on a long breath.

"I think that it might benefit the both of you to talk about this metaphor of yours, figure out where you stand with each other, what you've been holding back." He checked his watch, and her eyes immediately drifted to her own, not much time left. "I know it may be hard for you to just lay it all out there for him, and he will likely be in the same situation, so you will need to be patient with each other."

She nodded, biting her lip.

"I think it may benefit the both of you to take some time off of work. You need a break from the all of the grief you mentioned, and if you were to take this break together, you two could use the opportunity to see how your relationship works without the added worry of trying to act a certain way around certain people, be it at work, or at home," he wanted to end it there, but didn't want her to take what he said as an innuendo of any sort, so he continued, "not to mention death literally knocking on your door at all hours of the night."

She smiled wryly at his imagery, but found it hard to believe he was recommending she take time off. "I think you're right. Work has been really stressful lately, and so has my personal life." He was mildly surprised that she was agreeing with him, she was a workaholic after all.

"It may be best if you take your time out of town, just the two of you, should you choose to spend the time with him. If you do, you can use the time get to know each other better as individuals, in a sense that you may think you do already, but likely do not." He made sure she understood that this was to be about building a relationship between the two of them, and only the two of them, but that she also had the option to spend the time recouping on her own.

"I'm still finding it hard to believe that you want me to take time off of work…" she half-joked, but he could tell that she was at least somewhat serious, so he attempted to placate her.

"Kate, if I need to, I can offer my opinion to your captain, that you need a break, especially given the timing," he indicated to his own chest in explanation, "it has been nearly a year now."

She nodded, but then a thought occurred to her, "You- you wouldn't mention Castle to Gates though, would you?" Her eyes flared, worried about what his response might be.

"No, of course not, but I will tell her that I think you need the break, and that it would be in her best interest not to interfere with it in any way," he explained.

"Wow," she was speechless.

"Let me know, I'd be more than happy to make the call," he said, standing from his chair.

She rose slowly, and he ushered her to the door.

"Good luck," he whispered conspiratorially after her as she left.

She turned her head, throwing a smile and a 'thanks' over her shoulder.

She took the elevator down to the parking garage, suddenly glad she had driven today, because she needed to sit down and process for a little while. She got in her cruiser and leaned back against the seat heavily, letting all the doctor had said sink in. She should take a vacation, essentially, to what, have a lot of sex with Castle? No, well, not only that, but she would need to talk to him about a lot of things, and vice versa if they wanted to start on a level playing field. She wondered if he would be okay with a little impromptu vacation, especially given that Alexis was due to graduate soon.

She let her thoughts swirl around, thinking through ways to ask him, places they may go, things they may do… her mind got stuck on that one for an obscene amount of time before the chirp of her phone alerted her to the fact that it was indeed time to get going if she wanted to see him anytime soon.


"Costas, Costas, Costas... You really came through for me, saved me a lot of time." He said, a smile appearing on his lips as he paged through the files he had been handed. "I knew making friends with you in Germany would pay off."

"Yeah, man, I did what you asked, but please, I don't do this anymore, please don't ask me to do it again," Costas begged. "I didn't sign up to get shot," he grunted, clutching his shoulder.

"That shouldn't be a problem, Orlando, seeing as you reached the end of your usefulness when you let someone see you in that house." He pulled his 9mm from the holster at the small of his back. "I'm sorry to have to do this to you Costas, but you have endangered the integrity of my mission, and that's something we just can't have." With that, he pushed Costas to his knees and shot him in the forehead.


Thoughts?