BARTIMAEUS
Have you ever seen a terrifying snarling demon splatter across the windshield? No? Well, let me tell you, it's very unflattering to said demon. The tendons splay out in all directions, the antennae shiver in surprise and the expression on his stupid face is generally priceless.
(In case you missed it, Beyzer, I am, in fact, talking about you wherever you happen to be reading this. (In the likely event that you're illiterate please find someone to read this to you. Thank you.))
The great fiery mass sprang forward like canned lightning. Beyzer roared triumphantly. Clarence cheered and Abigail screamed. And then Beyzer hit my invisible barrier with a sickening squelch. Like some oversized grotesque portrait, he hung in midair, slightly flattened, framed in the doorway and moaning softly.
Abigail gasped and peered out cautiously from under her hands covering her face . "What- what happened?"
I bristled slightly. "What? You think I'm dumb enough to rely solely on some pathetic lock?"
"Well-"
Thankfully her reply was drowned out by a wave of Spanish curses and expletives. Behind my cunning barrier Clarence was apoplectic, throwing all manner of verbal abuse at his stunned servant. (Funny thing was, I agreed with most of his assessments.) He hopped up and down in fury and was practically frothing at the mouth.
"What for are joo blaying around for?" he ranted. "Attack her! Keel her! Keel her! What ees de matter wit joo? Are joo stupad? Are joo dumb? You are patetic, scurvy, wretched, insignificant, brainless, cowardly..." At this point, the kid began digging into Beyzer's alleged ugliness, (which I thought was pretty rich coming from a boy with shrooms sprouting from his forehead.)
Beyzer seemed to ignore the torrent of ignominious adjectives directed at him, (or simply didn't know what they meant.) He took in a deep breath and collected his essence before letting loose a detonation. It battered into my barrier with the stopping power of fourth level fiery lash. A wave of backwash energy issued from the door way and pushed Abigail and me back a few paces. The shock wave thrummed and vibrated the walls and ceiling, momentarily muting the ongoing Spanish editorials. But the barrier held.
Several awkward moments of silence followed, so I let loose a raspberry.
As it happens, this little sound effect seemed to set off Beyzer more than anything Clarence had thrown at him. (I perceived this through the slight change in Beyzer's appearance. (He had turned a deep cherry-red, and smoke began to furl from his boiling flesh.)) He wailed in wrathful frustration and threw himself at the barrier with a new vigor. He sent detonation after detonation, pounding at the doorway incessantly until the very theater began to tremble around us.
Abigail grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face he, her eyes wide with fear. "We have to get out of here," she said. "If they get through it'll be over for both of us. You have no idea what Clarence is capable of. He's a monster!"
"Relax," I said, sending her one of Ptolemy's most charming smiles. (Those always worked wonders on the girls.) "We're perfectly safe. That barrier is good for another five minutes at the least. It once held out against the undead army of Carthage for a terrifying full week. You should have seen it! Zombies are mainly rubbish to begin with but this was especially entertaining.
"Would you like to hear the full story? Well have a seat then, child, and old Barty will weave you a tale of adventure and intrigue-"
"NO! I don't want to hear your blasted story now!" she screamed. (Which was a shame because she seemed highly agitated and looked like she could use a good story right then.) "Forget your damned barrier for a moment. What if that thing suddenly decides to crash through the wall?"
I laughed superciliously at her naive question. "He wouldn't dare try such a thing. There was a reason I chose this building for a shelter. Besides for the walls being made of three-foot thick concrete, they are also thatched with old iron pipes and cross-beams. No spirit would bring himself to touch that sort of poison. It's almost as bad as silver. The only way they could possibly get through is if that wall over there suddenly decided to crumble for no apparent reason..."
My voice trailed off as I looked at the wall. It was odd but it looked like it had started crumbling. For no apparent reason. I rubbed my eyes and checked it out on all seven plains. Maybe it was just an illusion.
But it wasn't. Cracks began to spider web along the solid three foot thick concrete. They intertwined in dizzying patterns and rubble began to trickle down and collect on the floor. The crevices increased at an alarming rate. Within seconds the entire wall resembled nothing more than a giant jigsaw puzzle.
I stared at the phenomenom dumbly, completely at a loss for words, except perhaps, for one mild, rhetorical cuss. "What the-"
The wall suddenly exploded inwards. Shards of concrete and piping sprayed into the theater, propelled forward by an expanding balloon of fiery combustion. The fireball tore through the room, tossing chairs aside like so much hayseed. Debris flew forward at high speed, embedding themselves deeply within anything they struck.
Thinking quickly, (as I am always wont to do), I changed my form from Ptolemy into a rather dashing elephant and squatted to protect the kid from the shrapnel. I took some heavy hits and felt my essence begin leaking from over a dozen places. I was definitely not up for a fight.
Looking up I saw that where the wall once stood was now nothing more than a smoking crater with remnants of metal pipes bending inwards as though a giant had casually passed through.
Cackling with triumph, Beyzer hopped through the newly created hole, rubbing his clawed hands with anticipation. "Ahhh, Bartimaeus, Bartimaeus, my old friend. You have no idea how long I have awaited for this moment. Many a night I would have nothing with me except the vision of you dying in the most slow and agonizing way. The thought of your screams more beautiful than the most enchanting music and your pleas for mercy more sweet than-"
"Yea, sorry, don't mean to interrupt, but did you count this dreadfully long speech as part of my agony?"
"What? Uh... no... I didn't,"
"Well, you should. It's doing wonders."
Beyzer bristled once more and quickly lost his sudden good humor. As he readied another detonation I heard the girl whisper in my ear. "It's just my luck I had to draw your name from the cornucopia. I don't know what's more disturbing: The fact that you seem to know everyone or that they all want to kill you."
I shrugged. "I get around, I guess."
Beyzer lifted his weighty hand, the detonation crackling fiercely in his palm. I saw Abby close her eyes and brace herself, her hands clenched tightly around her ruddy locket. I couldn't rightly blame her. This was going to hurt.
"Wait!" a voice cried and the detonation froze on the demon's fingertips. The girl and I looked up to see Clarence stumble unceremoniously in through the hole. He dusted himself off and began strolling calmly in our direction with his hands clasped casually behind his back. "Not just yet, my slave," he said, his face spreading into a serene fungi-infested smile. He motioned a few of the imps with cameras closer to get a better shot of him as he hammed it up for the audience. "De leetle Mockingchay ees confused, ees she not? She does nat know 'ow she has been outweeted, das she?"
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Beyzer stifle his detonation with barely concealed frustration. I knew it was imperative we keep the little shroom-head talking. The girl was way ahead of me.
"What?" she said. "Are you telling me you knew that wall would explode?"
"Of course I knew!" the boy cried, tossing out his arms dramatically. "I knew because I am smart and joo are stoopad. Joo make de biggest mistake in de rules of de Hunter Games. Joo make it boring. Joo make it so nathing happening. End whan players make things boring, den de producers change de rules end make thing unboring. dey send in fire, or flood or evan... blow up a wall..." He started laughing maniacally, stopped abruptly, made certain the cameras were focused on him, and took it up once more with gusto.
"Master," Beyzer moaned, "may I kill them now?"
"Of course, my slave. We mast not let de viewers get bored. we mast geeb dem what dey want more dan anything. Beyzer, make it slow... and KEEL!"
