Summary:

It was easy to let go when she believed she would never have to face the world again. It wasn't so easy when she felt the pressures of the kingdom to protect, the sister to care for, and the feelings she felt surfacing despite her attempts to squash them down like fresh snow under heavy boots. This story explores the other side of Elsa. [ElsaxOFC] [KristoffxAnna]


Chapter Two: Memories


Fifteen Years Ago...

Elsa's father flipped the page of thick brown book with the golden lettering.

"And then the rightful wedding was held. The beautiful princess married the king, and the fame of their marriage spread far and wide. The end."

He began to close the book, but the six-year-old Elsa quickly stuck her tiny hand onto the page.

"Wait!" She whispered. Anna had already fallen asleep. She was even younger than her sister and had heard the story before, anyway. But Elsa had chosen this one again tonight. She loved the detailed illustrations and the wild adventure the prince had to face.

"That's the last one for tonight, dear. You need to rest."

"I just want to look at the picture."

Her father complied, opening the book once more. Elsa admired the princess's flowing gown, and the way her dark hair fell freely down her fair back. She traced it with her finger.

"I would have chosen this princess too," she said. Her father was slightly surprised by the comment, but hoped it was childish misunderstanding that led her to say it. He closed the book then, and began to place it on the bedside table.

"The King went through a lot to get her. That's the kind of man you want when you marry, Elsa. Someone who will face danger just because he loves you."

"Or I could have a princess myself," the young girl said innocently. "There's only one king in the story, and that can be Anna's. Then I get the princess."

Now her father felt uncomfortable, as he often had with his daughter. He loved her dearly, but it seemed like her oddities never ceased. Her magic had already caused them some worry, and he did not want any more reason for others to believe her to be anything but normal. She shouldn't speak of things like this, no matter how young and uninformed of the way of the world she was.

"No, dear. That's not how it works. You'll marry a man just like your mother married me."

"But you married her. I want to be like you, daddy."

He couldn't help but smile. He sincerely hoped that this was more about her wanting to follow his footsteps and not about...well, he didn't dare think about the other implications involved. If his daughter really did want to marry a princess, it would only cause more confusion and trouble. But a wish to be like one's father was nothing new, be it a son or daughter. He kissed her forehead.

"Good night, Elsa. I love you very much. And I think you will be a lot like me when you're older."

The child grinned and buried into her bed to sleep.

"Good night, daddy. I love you too."

o o o

Elsa stared at the portrait of her father dressed in his coronation attire. She ran a finger absentmindedly over the golden scepter laid at it's base.

"All of those years," she thought, "you made me live in fear. And now look at where I am. I am strong, father. Like you. And I don't have to be afraid of... my powers." She sighed. There were still other things to be afraid of. Ruling the kingdom, the mysterious note, trade partners, something going wrong at the ball, and avoiding Anna's rib-prodding whenever a male suitor was brought up. The thoughts were stressing her now, so she had to take in a deep breath and let it go. The tiny freckles of frost that had started forming on the tips of her fingers vanished.

"The time will come for that," she concluded. "No sense in worrying now."

Elsa turned her back to the painting and headed out of the room with only one glance over her shoulder. He had only meant the best. He'd loved her and tried to protect her. She forgave him.

"Elsa! There you are!" Anna came forward with a big grin on her face, which happened quite often. But Elsa didn't mind. After so many years of keeping her distance, to see Anna's rosy cheeks joined by a smile was a pleasure that she would always welcome.

"You've been looking for me?"

"Yeah! Look what just came in." She lifted a letter for her to see. "It's addressed to us. Well, you mostly. But I already read it so…"

"What does it say?" Elsa was too curious to care that her sister had already read it. She wondered if it had anything to do with the mysterious note that arrived just a week ago.

"One of the kingdoms replied to our invitation. They're asking if they can come early and stay in the palace. They're the prince and princess of Kohbara. They live far away, but it just so happens they will be in a nearby kingdom soon. So they could attend ball much easier if they stayed here!"

Elsa read over the letter quickly. She had never met anyone from Kohbara personally, and she knew little about the kingdom. These people would be strangers in her home, and that made her hesitate.

"What do you think we should do?" Elsa asked. She knew the answer already.

"Are you kidding? Let's have them stay a whole month if they want! This will be so much fun. They're our age, you know. Or close to it. We'll get to make two new friends. Plus, I hear the Prince of Kohbara is a very handsome gentleman. Huh? Huh?" Anna wiggled an eyebrow and Elsa rolled her eyes.

"Well, if it will be convenient to them to stay here then we can have them. We've got plenty of room."

Elsa was tempted to cover her ears when Anna squealed.

"Yes! This is awesome. We're going to have so much fun!"

Elsa sincerely hoped.

o o o

It was now the day that the Prince and Princess of the eastern kingdom were set to arrive. Elsa wrung her hands nervously, looking at herself in the mirror.

"You look fine," Anna insisted, trying to pull her along. She was actually pretty successful; Elsa often forgot how strong the younger girl was physically.

"Are you sure? I tried to make my dress a little more traditional."

"Yeah, it's perfect. It says, 'I have crazy strong ice powers, but I'm also elegant and queenly'."

"That's exactly what I was going for."

"Great!" Anna kept tugging her along, and Elsa finally let her feet follow. They went together to the front entrance. Seeing Anna so excited and beaming made Elsa feel better. So when the doors began to open, she smiled right along with her.

"Introducing," a man's voice called out, "Prince Leo and Princess Natalia of Kohbara."

The pair walked in and bowed to the princesses, who returned the gesture. Elsa spoke first.

"We are both glad to have you staying with us for the week."

"And we thank you for your hospitality," Leo replied. He was taller than her, with broad shoulders and tanned skin. His dark hair was cut very short, near to his head, and his smile took up most of the space above his square jaw. Elsa admitted to herself that he was quite handsome, as Anna had said. But when the Princess spoke, she forgot about the Prince's good looks. His sister's beauty stood out much stronger. She had a similar complexion, perhaps only a shade lighter, with large, dark almond eyes and a round nose. Something about her seemed to glow. Elsa took notice of the Princess's beauty but remained calm. Until, that is, the Princess looked right into her eyes and said her name. She'd finished her sentence with it. Elsa desperately tried to remember what it is the Princess had just said, but it was gone.

"You can just call us Anna and Elsa," Anna said, "Especially since you are our guests." Apparently, Elsa's momentary brain failure went unnoticed.

"Anna and Elsa it is, then," the Prince said. "And the same goes for us. Leo and Natalia are fine."

"Great! I can show you to your rooms before dinner." Anna turned and began to head in the direction of the guest rooms prepared specifically for the siblings. It suddenly occurred to Elsa that she and Natalia were staring at each other, so she spoke up.

"Right. Right this way." Then Elsa moved more gracefully than her mouth had, guiding her along as Anna and Leo walked ahead.

"There are some things you should know," Anna began. "First of all, the castle is pretty big so it can be hard to find your way around. I'm sure you have that problem back at home too. Just ask any of the servants, they'll show you the way. Oh and you may run into a walking, talking snowman who asks for a hug. He's totally harmless, even if it's a little weird. His name is Olaf. Elsa made him."

Both of the vacationing royals looked at the older sister, who smiled sheepishly. Again, Leo spoke first.

"We've heard about your powers, Elsa. It's amazing that you were able to freeze the entire kingdom and the fjord. We were talking about it on our way here."

Natalia nodded in agreement.

"It must come in handy on hot summer days."

Elsa smiled more genuinely now. It was a relief not to hear them talk about how her powers could be used to destroy armies or bring their country economic gain, as she often heard.

"Yeah, it's a great thing to be able to add ice cubes to warm lemonade." The four of them giggled. Even if what she said wasn't particularly funny, it helped to ease the conversation. They talked on until Anna reached the right doors. The rooms were across from one another, and on the opposite end of the hall where Elsa's room was.

"I'm right around the corner," Anna explained.

"Thank you, Anna," Leo said, opening his door. "And, Elsa, it's been great, uh, breaking the ice with you."

Natalia groaned at the word choice. Elsa laughed gently.

"Agreed. And It's alright. I've heard worse puns by now."

"I'm sure you have," Natalia said. "I was going to say, 'it's been ice to finally meet you'. And then I was going to apologize forever."

"Oh that is definitely worse!"

Both of the girls laughed together.

"But honestly, it has been nice meeting you."

"Likewise. I'll see you at dinner."

"Yes. You will." Natalia smiled, both at her and at Anna, before going into her room to rest before the meal. It had been a long journey, so the sisters gave them time to get ready. Together, they walked down the hall.

"Sooo," Anna said.

"Yes?"

"What do you think about Leo?"

"He seems pleasant."

"And?"

"And…punctual."

Anna groaned. Now Elsa was just trying to get on her nerves. Big sisters could be really annoying sometimes.

"Admit it. You think he's handsome."

"He is handsome."

"Yes!" Anna began to cheer.

"But I'm not interested in being anything more than friends."

Anna deflated.

"Why not? I'm not saying you should jump right on this minute, but you shouldn't just jump off either!"

"Anna, I barely know him. Give me some time. Now, I have some things to do."

This answer was satisfying enough for Anna. She let Elsa go without complaint, so the Snow Queen went to her own room. She sat on the edge of her bed and thought about how she would get through this week. She knew Anna would continue to pester her about Leo, and it was getting difficult to keep hiding exactly why she knew her and Leo wouldn't work out. But part of her still wanted it to. Part of her wanted to take one look at Leo and fall madly in love with him. She fell back on the bed, for these were hopeless wishes.

o o o

Elsa was thirteen years old, but she was sobbing like a five year old with a scraped knee. She buried her head against her bed and kept her hands wrapped around herself.

"Elsa," he father said. It was an exasperated but still somehow gentle way of saying her name. "Please stop crying. You're feet are getting the comforter all icy, and that won't let you sleep very well." He was trying to make her laugh. It wasn't working. She only curled up tighter.

"Please, I'm not trying to hurt you. I just want to help you."

"Nothing can help me!" she blurted out suddenly. "I'm a freak!"

Her father's eyes reflected the pain those words brought him. He moved closer to her.

"No. Do not say that about yourself. You are just different, and you need to learn to hide that different part of yourself away. Both your ice powers and…this…" he pursed his lips and held back a sigh as he looked at the small notebook in his hand.

"I didn't know," she blubbered helplessly, "I didn't know it was wrong. I'm sorry, daddy. I'll get rid of it. I'll burn it."

Seeing her this way was heartbreaking. He tried to touch her shoulder to comfort her, but she tore away before his fingers could even graze the fabric of her dress.

"It's…beautiful poetry, darling. And it's wonderful to see you taking such an interest in classic works. But this is an inappropriate subject for a young girl."

"I didn't know-,"

"I know you didn't," he interrupted. "But now you do. And I just want to talk about it calmly."

It took some time for Elsa to stop crying. She let out a few shuddery breaths as she washed her face and returned to her father's side on her bed. He spoke gently and evenly.

"Where did you get these ideas?"

"From some old poetry. Lots of poems are about love."

"Yes, they are." He paused only slightly. "But I meant, about the details. You write as if you've seen women like this…but you haven't been leaving, have you?"

"No!" Elsa looked at him, horrified. She hadn't stepped foot out of the palace in five years. She could only imagine how many things would go wrong if she were ever to leave.

"Then where have you seen women with 'long, curled tresses and rosy cheeks'? 'Beautiful pearl skin' and 'lips like newly bloomed tulips'?"

The young teenager cringed as her father read the words from her own poems aloud. She'd never meant for him to read them. Her tutor had said that no one would read them. But then he'd gone and shown the poems to her father, stating his concern that the princess's topics were too odd to ignore. Her father had to admit that the poems were eloquent for a young girl. But he would have preferred mediocre poetry about the moon and sky. These were filled with confessions of love toward an unknown woman. The thought of his teenage daughter confessing love for anyone sent his stomach churning, and this only made it worse.

"I don't know," Elsa said quietly.

"You don't know? So, you've been making things up?"

She nodded silently. She couldn't tell him that she'd written them about the women in her story books. Even if she knew those pictures weren't real, she liked to look at them and imagine they were. She could pretend that one day a girl just like the ones in the book would come to see her and free her from her curse. They would bring their life-saving magic with them, and she could hug them without worrying that they'd turn to ice. Seeing those pictures gave her some hope. She couldn't let him take her books away from her.

Her father sighed and set the notebook of poems down.

"I think I know of something we can do."

Elsa watched him curiously as he got up and went into her wardrobe. He took out a hood for her to wear and helped her into it.

"Where are we going?"

"To see someone who may help us."

It was the first time in five long years that she'd been outside the closed doors of the palace. They stayed in seclusion, sticking to the shadows of the night and making sure no one saw them. It was thrilling to be outside again, and to feel the wind blowing against her face as she and her father rode through the forest. It had taken some convincing to get her on the horse and in her father's arms. It was the first time that had happened in three years. She felt some comfort, but also a lot of worry. She had an idea of where they were headed. She had made this journey once before.

When they reached the Valley of the Living Rock, the King helped Elsa down and led her to the circle of unmoving gray spheres.

"Please, we seek your help. My daughter may be cursed in more ways than one."

It took a moment for the trolls to stir and awake around them. The humans heard whispers of 'the king!' and 'he's returned'. The oldest and wisest of the trolls stepped forward, his yellow crystals dangling from his neck and illuminating his path through the crowd. He stopped in front of the King and his fearful daughter, who held onto the man's coat. The ground beneath her was covered in a thin sheet of ice.

"Do not be afraid now, Princess Elsa. You are safe." The troll noticed her relax significantly, and he turned his attention toward the King. "Is this about her powers?"

"No," the King admitted. "It's about her heart."

The shaman troll closed his eyes and reached out toward Elsa. Even with his eyes closed, he knew that she was flinching away. "Stay still for just a moment. I won't hurt you, and you could not possibly hurt me." She let him touch her shoulder. It was only a brief moment before he pulled away and opened his eyes. "Ah."

"Can you…did you see anything?" the King asked eagerly.

"Yes," the troll looked at the man seriously. "Just as she was born with elemental magic, she has been born with a loving heart. She has within her a strong desire to protect those she cares about."

"Well I'm afraid it may be too loving."

"I can only assume you are referring to her romantic love. Yes, it is true that she is different than most, but it is not unnatural. It is not as uncommon as you may believe. She was born with this too. And like her magic, some others will not understand. The two are closely linked; her heart and her power. To treat them as one would not be a bad thing."

The King was hesitant to ask his next question.

"Then there's nothing you can do?"

"A heart like hers cannot be persuaded."

The King nodded.

"Then I will protect her just like I always have."

Elsa looked to the elder troll with wide eyes.

"What does this mean?"

The troll took her gloved hand.

"You will not have an easy life, Elsa. You will feel out of place for a long time. But one day, you will see that you are not alone."

Those words remained in Elsa's memory to the very day. From that point on, 'conceal, don't feel' began to take on a sort of double meaning. She had to conceal her 'inappropriate' feelings towards other girls. This turned out to be quite easy, as she focused more on her powers and less on the idea of finding love. Finding love seemed like such a distant and unimaginable thing, especially as she grew older. She always found herself too preoccupied with fear for her ice and snow to worry about getting married. Now, however, she was free from one of those fears. And the other was impossible to push away.

Elsa had been meeting a great number of people in the past year. Anna loved to have the people of the kingdom join them in the courtyard for evening skating parties. They'd often have musicians accompany late night gatherings, where she kept busy gliding across the floor and illuminating the entire venue with the beautiful colors the ice could reflect. Sometimes she might catch sight of a pretty girl slipping on the ice. She would wonder what would happen if she were to take hold of the girl's arm and help her. Other times, she would be out with Anna in the village and make eye contact with a cute young lady. The girl might wave shyly or even blush. Elsa's heart would skip a beat and she would continue on, wanting to talk to the girl but having nothing to say. It was clear to her that she had feelings for other girls, and the more she thought about soft hair and curved bodies, the more hope she lost that she'd ever be attracted to square jaws and hard chests.

Still, it was possible to get by. She hadn't found anyone that made her feel the way she knew Anna felt about Kristoff. When she had moments alone to daydream about possible lovers, they always had different faces. She could feel her heart flutter for a moment when she saw a pretty girl, but there was never a connection that felt so undeniable and unbreakable that she felt she had to drop her act. For now, she really was okay with being alone.

She sat up and shook the thoughts from her head. She did have work to do, and dwelling on this unimportant matter wasn't what she needed to fill her time with. Elsa rose and set off to finish some paper work before dinner, and forgot about her personal dilemma for the rest of the night.

O O O


Author's Note: I find Elsa's character so complex and interesting. She battles with very heavy anxiety, and depression, and I strongly believe her powers can act as a metaphor for being homosexual. I know there are a lot of people who would prefer Elsa to be straight, and that's okay. But I see a very powerful character fighting to understand herself in more ways than one. Please leave any comments/critiques you have.