"It's nice to finally meet you, Sebastian, I've heard a lot about you," Emma said as Sebastian sat down in her office. It'd already been a week but Blaine and he were only just know starting at the sub section of McKinley, Kurt had wanted to make sure his subs were settled before he subjected them to new treatment. The section was run by Emma Pillsbury, a sub that Kurt had always spoken highly of. Sebastian glanced around her office, noticing everything was spotless and positioned in a way that couldn't be anything but deliberate. The office was warm and colorful and Sebastian couldn't help but feel safe and relaxed here.
Sebastian had always believed McKinley was just a school for Doms, and it had started off like that. Recently however they'd been incorporating a small sub section so that the Doms that had already found their subs could enroll them if they felt it necessarily. Even more recently, with the enrolling of subs that had been abused in one way or another, there was a smaller subsection dedicated to helping abused subs. The school was on the same campus as McKinley, but a different building, and had tight security. You had to have a pretty good reason to enter, and the building was almost completely void of all Doms. The principle was strict on making sure that the subs didn't come in contact with anyone but the few Doms that worked in that section or their own Doms. Not that she did it to be controlling, but because Sue Sylvester wanted to create a safe haven for the subs there without a threat of anything bad happening to them. It was put into place to provide a safe learning environment for the subs there.
Blaine had already had his session with Mrs. Pillsbury early this morning, one that Sebastian and Kurt weren't allowed to attend. Kurt had dropped the two of them off that morning with a promise to check in on them during lunch. The session was supposed to be similar to a therapy session, and everything that was spoken in that room would remain between the two of them. Despite that, Sebastian was still nervous. He was terrified he would end up speaking the wrong thing and angering Kurt because of it.
"I know you're nervous, but there's no reason to be," Mrs. Pillsbury continued. "What we speak in this room is to remain between the two of us, and I assure you I know how to keep a secret. I know this is very overwhelming for you, but I'm here to talk. I like to provide a safe environment for the subs who enter my office. We have as long as you need, why don't you start off by telling me a little about yourself and what you're most afraid of?"
Sebastian was quiet for a long time, afraid to speak. For a year now he'd been brainwashed into believing that subs don't speak, that they don't feel, that what they had to say didn't matter, and it was hard to find his voice. But the room was warm and comforting, and there was just something about Mrs. Pillsbury that Sebastian couldn't help but trust. He opened his mouth to say something, and once he did he just couldn't stop.
"I grew up in a very wealthy family," Sebastian started off. "I'm an only child and I learned from a very young age what was expected of me. To my Mother, image is everything, and I had very strict rules about who I was allowed to hang with, what I was allowed to wear, when I was allowed to speak. She is a… very controlling person and she has a lot of very controlling friends. We'd attend parties and it was always clear to see who was the sub and who was the Dom. My Dad is a sub, and my Mother was very controlling Dom. My Dad wasn't allowed to do anything without permission. He spoke when spoken to, he ate what he was told, and he did everything around the house. When I was younger he took care of me, my Mother couldn't be bothered to stay around and care for a snot nosed brat. Her words, not mine. She never wanted children and after I was born… she had my father castrated so he couldn't produce any more children. My Dad raised me. He's the one who took care of me and taught me everything I needed to know when I was younger. However, once I turned five my Mother decided that I was old enough to take care of myself and my Dad wasn't allowed to be in contact with me anymore. It broke his heart and mine.
"My Mother was a very cold person. She never showed any affection for me, and there's no doubt in my mind that she doesn't have an ounce of compassion in her body for me. But she did teach me how Doms and subs are supposed to behave. She'd use my father as an example. She trained and punished him in front of me. 'This is how a real Dom behaves,' she'd say. 'And this is how subs are to remain, on their hands and knees.' I watched my Dad break into pieces throughout my life. She broke him down into something I doubt his family would even recognize. It killed me to see my father like that, but there was nothing I could do. I tried to take care of him the best I could whenever she was away, but she had a knack for making sure he never really received any compassion. Despite that, my Dad knows how much I love him and I know how much he loves me.
"Mother always expected me to be a Dom. She trained me even before I got my mark, maybe she tried to influence my biological clock or something," Sebastian laughed and looked down at his entwined hands. "Clearly it didn't work because I'm sitting here in front of you right now. When my sub mark came and my mom shipped me off to Dalton, I watched my father break completely." Sebastian looked up then, eyes watering slightly. "My Dad broke because I was a sub. Because he knew the life that I had ahead for me. He didn't want that. I watched him fight back the day they took me away. He screamed and he begged my Mother not to take me there, and as a punishment for disobeying she broke his arm."
Sebastian gave a broken laugh and swallowed. "I knew my place when I got there. It was easy for me to fit in to their training, because I had seen how subs are supposed to behave my entire life. I was… I was desperate for any sort of control and so when they took over, I let them. I easily slipped into my place in life. I become the perfect submissive they tried to make everyone into. I was used as an example of how sub training at Dalton worked. When prospective parents would show up looking for a demonstration, they'd call for me and use me to show how well behave they could make their children."
Sebastian stopped talking and clenched his hands into fists, looking up. "The reason I'm telling you this is because from a very young age I've had this idea in my head of how subs are supposed to behave. I was trained to be a mindless sub, because I thought whoever my Dom was, that's what they would want me to be. And now I've met Sir, and everything is different. Blaine and I share the same Dom, I'm in a new town and new school. Everything isn't what I thought it was going to be. I keep messing up. Sir isn't a Dom that I've ever come in contact with before and I don't know how to be good for him. He's so different and I don't understand. He doesn't want a mindless sub, and I don't know how to be that for him. Blaine does and Blaine is so much better than I am. He and Blaine click so easily because he knows what to do and how to behave and all I do is screw up. I don't react how he wants me to, I don't act like he wants me to, I'm so scared and confused. I don't want Sir to throw me aside. He's good to me and I don't want to leave him or Blaine. I wouldn't be surprised if he likes Blaine more than me. I'll never be good enough for him, I'll never be what he needs, I'll never-"
Sebastian was starting to breathe heavily and his chest was beginning to tighten. His heart was pounding in his chest and his ears were ringing. He couldn't think straight, he couldn't see straight, all he could think about was how much of a failure he was to his Dom. Sebastian began to hyperventilate as his body shook and he gripped the arms of the chair in an attempt to ground himself.
"Sebastian." Sebastian could slightly hear a voice trying to break through the roar in his ears but it wasn't loud enough. Sebastian felt the chair being pulled back slightly and his head was pushed between his knees. Suddenly the room stopped swimming and the roaring in his ears dissipated. It was a while before his heart stopped pounding and his breathing slowed. Once everything was relatively back to normal he slowly sat up to see Mrs. Pillsbury sitting beside him, her hands on his back.
She was humming softly as her smooth hands rubbed up and down his back in soothing patterns. "There, that's better, right?" she asked, standing up. She walked over to the water cooler and handed Sebastian a glass of cold water. "Drink this slowly, okay?"
Sebastian took the paper cup in his hands and took small swallows until it was gone, setting the cup on the desk. "Thank you," he said, face heating up in embarrassment. He'd never had a panic attack with anyone but Blaine, a truth which was very embarrassing to him.
"No need to thank me, I'd have a very angry Kurt Hummer to deal with if I didn't take care of his sub. Besides, that's my job. Now," she said, straightening up the pens on her desk slightly before folding her hands. "Do you understand what just happened?"
"I had a panic attack," Sebastian said, face still red with embarrassment.
Mrs. Pillsbury nodded her head. "That's nothing to be embarrassed about, Sebastian, it's totally understandable. Your upbringing has been less than normal and I need you to understand that what just happened was totally normal. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you horrible, it makes you human."
Sebastian nodded but was still too embarrassed to speak.
"Sometimes," Mrs. Pillsbury spoke, choosing her words carefully. "We have this expectation of what is supposed to happen in our heads, and when we find out something differently it can be rather shocking. I was like you once. I used to think that I had everything figured out, that I knew exactly what was expected of me. But I was wrong."
Mrs. Pillsbury sighed and turned in her chair. "I'm going to tell you something that I don't tell many people. Mostly because it's rather embarrassing." She pulled up her long sleeve shirt and removed the cuff that covered her Doms name. There was a thick and jagged scar that ran across her wrist but Sebastian could just make out the name Ken Tanaka.
"But I thought-" Sebastian started only to be interrupted.
"That William Schuester was my Dom? He is, but he wasn't my intended Dom. Sometimes biology screws up and they put two incompatible people together. Such was the case with me and him. He was a very controlling person who liked his house and his sub a specific way. If you haven't noticed yet," she said, gesturing around at her spotless office, "I'm incredibly OCD, an attribute I picked up from my life with him. When you're subjected to a life like I was it's hard to believe that you wouldn't come out with something like that. I was always messing up. No matter what I did, nothing was perfect. I tried so hard to be perfect for him, but everything I did was wrong, and he made sure to tell me so at least ten times a day. Finally I messed up one too many times and he decided to cut his losses. He cut across his name on my wrist, officially severing my tie to him. It was a long time before I was okay again. I got this job here and I met Will. And he… he taught me a lot of stuff. He fixed my twisted view on how subs should be treated, and he is the kindest man I have ever met.
"The thing is, when we first met I was a lot like you," she said with a soft smile. "I was scared and alone and I thought I had everything right in my head, but I didn't, and he taught me that. The point is, is that you may be confused and scared right now, but it does get better. Kurt is a fantastic human being, Sebastian, and you are so lucky to have him. There is nothing you could ever do to make him not love you, or to make him get rid of you. You're his, just as much as Blaine is, and it doesn't matter how long it takes you to realize that, Kurt will always be patiently waiting. You belong to him, just as much as he belongs to you."
Sebastian was quiet for a long time, unable to remove his gaze from the floor. Mrs. Pillsbury's story was sad, but it had a happy ending. It made him hope that maybe he could eventually find happiness like she did. Sebastian really did love his Dom, and he loved Blaine, he didn't want to do anything to make them hate him and throw him away. It didn't matter if Blaine and Kurt had already hit it off, there was room for the two them in Kurt's heart and Sebastian was going to make sure he carved away his place. "Thank you, Mrs. Pillsbury. You've really helped me out."
Emma smiled and took Sebastian's hand. "If you ever need anyone, just let me know. My door is always open, Sebastian, don't hesitate to knock."
Sebastian smiled and stood up, nodding before he turned around and walked out the door. That had gone better than he expected it to. When he stepped outside he saw Kurt sitting on the benches outside, Blaine laying down with his head resting in his lap.
"Hey," Kurt said, standing up, careful not to knock Blaine to the floor, as soon as Sebastian emerged. "You were gone for a while, you okay?" Sebastian looked up at the clock only to realize he had been gone for over an hour.
"I'm sorry, Sir, I didn't realize how long I was gone. Please forgive me, we just got to talking and I lost track of time. I'm sorry I didn't realize-" Sebastian was cut off with a finger to his lips.
"Shh," Kurt said, stroking his thumb across Sebastian's cheek. "You're okay, I'm not angry. That session was for you to talk as much as you need to, no need to apologize. You hungry? Me and Blaine were thinking of going to grab some lunch." Kurt wrapped an arm around Sebastian's waist, fingers curing gently over his hip in a comforting touch.
Sebastian smiled and hesitantly relaxed against Kurt's side. "I'm starving."
