A/N:sigh: This chapter… Oh, gosh, I miraculously saved it from being a filler. I decided to go with the same 'everyone's changed!' realization that Shuichi had in… volume… eleven? I think…. Uh… But anyway, yeah. It barely got saved from boring filler-dom.

The songs are: "Over and Over" by Three Days Grace and "Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K.


Chapter Eight: Loosely Lover; Title Page Name

(Shuichi)

I kinda knew it was too good to be true… One night of happiness…

Who wasn't to say that it wasn't all a dream?

Oh, right… Tsuki. He said that a nurse reported to K or Reiji that Eiri really did come barging into the hospital.

I think that's really actually funny. It's like our roles got reversed for a moment there. Déjà vu…

Nevertheless, I felt like I got transported back in time. My mind tried to erase everything related to him, but my body… it still remembers everything…

And this time, I can't


Shuichi pressed his forehead against the cool glass, sighing. He stared out at the crowed sidewalk beside him, the window separating him from the thousands that walked the New York sidewalks. Thousands of people that he would never know, and never would connect to; some of them would only hear strains of his music, and never think of him again…

"What are you thinking about, Shu?" Hiro asked as he slid Shuichi's food across the table.

"… Just things," the vocalist murmured, tucking his bangs behind his ears. He picked up a few french-fries and munched on the absently, still staring out the window.

Hiro was busy drinking his soda when he got sprayed with partly chewed fries. "Hey, what?!"

Bad Luck's singer was currently choking, staring completely stunned out the window. "Excuse me," he gasped, rushing out of the café.

He ran down the sidewalk, pushing people carelessly out of the way, until he reached the crosswalk.

There, standing at least half-a-head above the rest of the people, was none other than Eiri Yuki.

Shuichi was aghast.

He's still here! Why the hell is he still here?! I… he…

The light changed green, and Yuki moved across the street with the crowd, not even taking notice of the befuddled and emotionally-unstable singer.


"So you saw him on the sidewalk…?" Tsuki asked, leaning slightly over his drum set.

Technically, Bad Luck was on hiatus. Shuichi couldn't sing for long periods of time, and screaming was completely off limits. But, music was just something Shuichi couldn't give up, so he begged for permission to still sing and record. Now they were stuck performing songs on television, and building up songs for their new records. Of which, Bad Luck had enough recordings built up from the last three months to make at least four CDs.

Shuichi nodded. "I saw him. And then yesterday, I saw him at the café downstairs! And the day before that, he was in the grocery store I walk by when I go home!"

Tsuki raised a disapproving eyebrow. "And has he noticed you at all?"

"No…"

"I think you're seeing things, Shuichi," the drummer concluded.

The raven-haired singer whined softly. "No, but… I swear…"

"Do you still love him?"

Shuichi's violet eyes went suddenly wide. He was silent for a long moment, before answering; "No… I… I was nothing to him… Loosely—and I mean so loose a llama could untie that knot…"

Tsuki made a face; Shuichi never made any sense at all with his metaphoric language.

"… I was his lover. Loosely, though," Shuichi concluded.

Tsuki grew silent, observing the skin under his nails resolutely.

Shuichi sighed; he knew he had just upset the boy. He leaned forward and gave Tsuki a quick, gentle hug and kiss. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No… just that… it upsets me…"

Shuichi bit his lip. Well, of course it upset him. "Let's rock out, that'll make you feel better. Then you can come home with me?"

The vocalist didn't even wait for an answer. He turned to the mic and cued up the music.


Shuichi sighed softly, feeling like a complete and total whore. It wasn't even funny how bad he felt at the moment. He sat up, squinting in the darkness. He reached out and pulled on his tee-shirt, walking quietly to his window. He pulled open the curtain and moonlight filled the room, illuminating the scene he hoped Eiri would never see or hear of:

Tsuki lay, back towards Shuichi on the bed, quite obviously naked under the covers.

With a sigh, Shuichi walked into his kitchen and made himself a drink. He stared at the book that he had bought a few days ago.

There was no title, except for that good old, witty

INSERT TITLE HERE

on the title inset. What was bigger was the name, embossed in shiny black print.

Written by:

Eiri Yuki

Shuichi never really had read, or bought any of Yuki's books. He listened to plot layouts from Yuki, critiqued them only to have his lover ignore the ideas, but use them later when his editor said the same thing. That kind of always bugged Shuichi, so he never bothered buying them… But this book…

It reminded him of… well, himself and Yuki. The dust cover was a shocking pink—the same bubblegum pop pink that Shuichi's hair used to be. The hard cover was a deep coffee color that instantly reminded the singer of Yuki.

The summary, well, he didn't read it.

Biting his lip softly, Shuichi slowly opened the book, the spine crackling softly. And he began to read…

By page 40, he felt like crap. By page 100, he was crying.

Finally, he finished the book, and opened it up to the dedication page; he always looked at those last. He expected a thank-you note to the editor, blah, blah, blah… He didn't however get his hopes up for what he wanted to expect. But there it was, in plain type. Just like Shuichi's songs were written for Yuki, Yuki wrote his books for Shuichi: especially this one.

For Shuichi Shindou, who is an absolute idiot…

Who without this book would not exist,

Along with the plot, and the characters inside of it.

One day, I hope you will read this book

(But I doubt it; you've never read more than manga)

But I hope that this book speaks to you most of all,

And I hope that I can keep my promise.

"How... chatty," he whispered, wipping away tears.

Shuichi hated himself after that. He stared in the mirror that the sink created and loathed his reflection, black hair, pale skin, bags under his eyes, piercing in his ears… Everything.

But mostly, he hated the whining brat he had become. Every bad thing that Yuki had ever said was true, and now seeing how Yuki himself had changed—for the better at that!—made him think that he may just have wasted three years moping.

"Oh, fuck that!" he hissed to his reflection. "Shuichi Shindou's makin' a comeback!"


"I feel it everyday,

It's all the same;

It brings me down

But I'm the one to blame

I've tried everything to get away

So here I go again

Chasing you down again

Why do I do this?!

It feels like everyday

Stays the same

It's dragging me down

And I can't pull away

So here I go again

Chasing you down again

Why do I do this?!

Over and over

Over and over

I fall for you

Over and over

Over and over

I try not to!

Over and over

Over and over

You make me fall for you

Over and Over

Over and over

You don't even try!

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head

I try to live without you

Every time I do

I feel dead

I know what's best for me

But I want you instead

I'll keep on wasting all my time…"

Yuki sighed, leaning back against his coffee table. Smoke spiraled in a toxic stream from his lips as he pressed his cigarette into the saucer he had next to him.

It all annoyed him so much. That song, those songs, those shows, this job, that job, this apartment, his loft, that hospital… His regret.

That sidling, smoldering guilt in his gut that reminded the novelist that he was human, and that he had more emotions than he would like to admit. This song, Shuichi's new single, probably increased this awareness of his feelings by at least ten fold.

In the months that had past Yuki had decided to once again endure the city. He went and rented himself a loft down in the swanky part of town. He bought himself a television and a radio, and decided to live.

Simple as that. He still wrote his books, but now they were published in two languages. He still smoked, except now it was up to two cartons a day. He still was nasty around people, but he still harbored a soft spot for a certain rock star…

Except now it was just a little softer.


(One month later:)

Shuichi flashed a peace sign at the camera, flipping back vibrant pink hair. "Start the music, Fujisaki!" he cried happily, picking up the mic, ready to completely sell the world to his epiphany.

"I watch the proverbial sunrise,

Coming up over the Pacific End,

You might think I'm loosing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics,

Cause I don't want you to know where I am,

Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been…

Stop right there!

That's exactly where I lost it!

See that line?

Well, I never should have crossed it!

Stop right there!

Well I never should have said that

It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back!

I'm sorry for

The person I became

I'm sorry that

It took so long for me to change

I'm ready to

Try and never become that way again,

Because

Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been…"