A/N: This chapter is completely Tsuki's POV; it almost has the tone of my story "I Wish on a Falling Star". I wasn't going to do this chapter, but I felt it necessary, and in my current mental state, nothing story-line wise is possible. I apologize. I'll take one request to make up for it. I'm sorry guys, I've just been copping out all over the place. Tsuki sings "Starless" by Crossfade.

This chapter, as is the case with the story Redundant, is dedicated to Lea, whom I doubt will ever read this.


Chapter 10: Self-Doubted Regrets

I always thought it was unhealthy. It was almost borderline obsession, and I always wondered if I had crossed the line of stalker at points. My friends turned a blind eye to this, but when I finally accepted it myself, they all met me with blank stares and choruses of 'duhs'.

With someone I could never truly reach, I had fallen in love. Devastating to myself, really. Because, you see, this person I had fallen in love with, had someone else.

(And they were a celebrity. But I just ignored that.)

And they seemed to be happy.

(I don't really know them for myself at the time, they were unobtainable still.)

I told myself, however, that I would work hard enough and be a good person, as well as a drummer; I could possibly match to a tiny speck of their being… Meet him, maybe. Maybe. Maybe…

Maybe one day…

I repeated it in my head, over and over, and it kinda helped. Made me feel just a little bit stronger. So I worked hard, and I waited.

(The start of this endless cycle.)

I waited to get accepted into the music world, I waited to become good enough, I waited patiently when I found out that he was here. In America, at the place where I was. I waited for him to see my love, and I waited when I told him. I waited for him to love me.

I waited as he got better. I waited as we ate together, I waited as we were together day by day. I waited as he slept next to me. I waited, I waited, I waited.

(If you continually wait, they don't care if they don't wait back.)

He said he liked me, he said he cared. He said I was important. He said, he dictated, he claimed.

I was happy. I was so so so happy! I couldn't get my smile off of my face; I walked around grinning like a complete doofus! I thought that he really had forgotten that other person, but something deep inside of me ate and ate away.

(Trust your gut, children.)

I was kind of upset to realize that the someone else had visited, but he smiled and said that he liked me.

I was happy again.

(I was blind, so blind.)

And then it all came crashing. Halting. It just stopped with such a crash, that even now, months later, I'm still reeling. I'm still crying, I'm still waiting!

(Even now I'm waiting…)

He never said sorry, he never did! No tears fell from his eyes, no guilt showed in his face, nothing! NOTHING!

(So dumb, I'm so dumb.)

I don't think he ever liked me at all. In fact I'm sure that there wasn't even a shred of care in the actions he made. I was nothing to him as a person. I was a tissue. To be used, then thrown away when the one that he truly loved came back.

And now, I can't escape. I can't escape this heartache, I can't escape this humiliation. I can't escape. It hurts so badly. I see him every day, I hear him every night. I can't escape. I still dream, I still listen to the music, I still cherish everything he ever said to me.

I can't help it. I chased after him for so long that I … I can't just give him up like that. It's like going on withdrawal. It hurts, and it makes me ill. I'm still pissed, but more than anything, I just don't… feel… It's numb and it aches a little.

It sparks some bad habits. I've become sullen, and I can't trust anyone anymore.

(And I cut. I love the blood. It works. I feel whole. But I hate it.)

But worse, I sing.

I hate my voice. I'm not that good, I think, but I like writing, so I'll sing.

Today, I'm singing, and I'm waiting on Reiji, so I'm in XMR, and I'm singing.

(I'm going to cancel my contract today.)

"I think somehow I gotta get it straight
I gotta get you out of me
But I cannot get through to you

How I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And how I feel like I'm starless
I'm hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And now I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to burn out

I can transcend you and mentally bend you
But I can't handle the shit that I'm into
I have been blinded and always reminded
Of the things I've wanted but I never could find
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the
End would come faster my world's a disaster
Can't you see that I'm down and I'm drowning
And I can't keep my head above my wake

I gotta get you out of my veins
I gotta get you out of my blood
I gotta get you out of my scene
I gotta get you out of me
What I'm really trying hard to get down to words
Is the way I fit into this world
Things I survived pushed me to the darkeer side
Because of life as it was the life that was
Yours should've never been mine
But I never could take anymore of this
Cause I'm always gonna get down to the floor
It's a cold gun that I kiss
'Cause I cannot break anymore"

A brunette, one who was not Reiji—he was male, stuck his head into the room. "Was that you singing, Mister?"

I don't have an answer for this; I haven't talked to anyone really in a long time. My friends take it, and understand. They are there, but they are silent.

"You're good. You're Tsuki riiight?"

I can't help but nod. This guy is odd, talking to me like this, but I guess I'll divulge.

"Hiroshi-kun says you're gonna quit music!"

Hiroshi… Hiro? How does this weirdo know Hiro? … Whatever. I just nod again.

"Don't do it. You have talent."

And with that, the mysterious weird guy left.

But I feel like, and now I feel stupid for thinking this, I think that oddball knows music; just by the authority in which he credited me for.

I don't think I'll null the contract yet…

Maybe I can stick it to Shuichi by coming back and smiling like I'm the one who doesn't give a shit. It'll take a lot, but I think I can do it.