As I took one step off the boat and onto American soil, it felt as though a huge weight was taken off my shoulders, having me feel as though I could finally breathe again. America, it looked the same when I left it last years ago, but it also looked different. There were no jeeps, no shouting for help or of orders, not even gunshots were heard. Just buildings and people chatting with one another. I felt so out of place there, seeing my comrades go off home left and right around me. It didn't feel right, it felt like I was punched in the stomach. But I knew this was going to happen, and I dreaded it.
Going home.
As Easy Company was leaving one by one, I got their addresses and numbers so I could call them in the future, which they all gave me willingly and with haste. With every man leaving me and going on the train, my heart was slowing hurting as every man left me in the train station. Archer sat at my feet, and with every goodbye was a rifle of his hair from every man whom considered Archer a member of our company as well as I. My own train was the last to leave, along with Doc since we were both going to travel together. Luz was the first to go, hugging me tightly and kissing me on the head before looking at me square in the eye, his grin never leaving his face.
"You better come and visit me, or else I'll go John Wayne on your ass. And take care of the scabber here, don't let him out of your sight." He warned me, having me grin at him.
"You bet your sweet ass I will." I reassured him, getting one last wink from him before he hopped on his train. Bull was next, giving me a massive hug that would lift me off my feet in the middle of the station and I giggled in delight. He was sore to leave me alone since there has been some of friendship over the both of us since Holland and going MIA together. We both had more respect for each other since we hid in the barn late into the night. Bull ruffled my hair, having me promise that I would go see him on his farm in Arkansas. It was still a shock that he lived on a farm and was a farm boy, when all I saw in him and how he carried himself was a solider and a giant amongst mere mortals.
Webster came next, giving me more of a sincere hug and a gentler embrace than the others who were giving me hugs that felt like brotherly hugs. But with Webster, the scholar that always had a kind heart to others around him and was hardly brash with me compare to the boys, my heart especially broke for him.
"You better get that diploma, Webster. I can't wait to read your book when it's ready," I explained to him as he grinned down at me, the face was never ceasing to be handsome and kind with his blue Irises and smooth jawline, "Can I read it?"
"I'll send you one of the first copies." He promised, having me feel him kiss my forehead before hoping on his own train. Buck was next, giving me a hug that made me see him more like my crazy Uncle than ever as he was heading out west. He said goodbye to me, calling me Princess and having me shove him playfully before he got on his own train. Which left me with the two people that were there with me: Joe and Doc.
Joe's train pulled up, having me stand next to him on the platform with his bag over his shoulder with the strap on and his hand holding onto my own for dear life as he was looking at the train like it was sending him to his death. Doc was waiting for me away from the both of us, sensing that we needed a moment alone with just the two of us before Doc and I would go off together on our own train. I hated this too, not wanting to miss another moment with Joe but knowing that this was going to have to happen.
"Talk me out of gettin' on this train," Joe said to me in a low tone, but I shook my head as we both watched the train coming to a slow stop, "Tell me to stay here with you and not leave you here."
"You have to go, Joe." I pressed him, seeing him close his eyes with pain there on his face mapped out perfectly, "You need to go home and see your family."
"I don't wanna leave you," he said through gritted teeth, my hand against me was squeezing now so tight I thought I was going to leave him a bruise against his skin, "I almost lost you so many times…"
"You're not gonna loose me," I reminded him softly, though I too was trying to hard not to lash out at the pain that I was feeling inside of me from the thought of him leaving me for mere moments, "I'm not going to be in danger any time soon. This is different."
"Is it?" He asked his low tone was now on the verge of tears, having me see the same face he had when he saw all of the prisoned Jews right before we saved them.
"Joe." I finally said softly to him, having me watch him with my eyes as Joe finally looked over at me. I saw it: pain. Pain was all over his face, all over his body and all over his eyes as he looked down at me.
"You need to go home and be with your family," I reminded him again, seeing that he was about to argue with me, "This doesn't mean though that we are not keeping our ends of our bargain, remember? We will be together, for the rest of our lives. Okay?" He was still in pain, I could see it in his face and eyes for just the thought of leaving me, only for a mere moment. But then he looked softer then, much softer to me as I laced our fingers together.
"You better not break that promise with me, alright La Noux?" He asked me, his voice was breaking slowly and he was trying to be cocky with me, though he hated this as much as I did. I could feel it: a tear going down my cheek as I smiled weakly at him. He then pulled me into his arms, my head against his neck as I clung onto his arm that was draped in front of me, never once showing tat he wanted to let go. He kissed my head over and over, the two of us holding each other there as if we were already lovers about to let the other go.
This was far too much of the both of us, since we've been together and around each other for four years now. Is this was Love does to two people? it drives them do close to one another that the mere though or one leaving the other for just days if not weeks felt as though they were being stabbed in the heart? Was this what my mother and father felt when I left them to go into war? I was feeling it then too, leaving Joe for a mere moment in time. He pulled away from the hug we were sharing, resting his forehead against my own and having me breathe him in one last time before he would go back home to California.
"It's just a few weeks, okay?" I asked him, seeing him nod his head at me before leaning in to give me a kiss. A few weeks would be hell for me since I was so used to seeing him constantly with the men. It was almost like I was going through a withdrawal, a bad one that would make me depressed. His kisses were going to have to be engraved onto my lips for the time being until I see him again. As we kissed there, as hopelessly romantic as it looked, he framed my face once again with his hands and held me there, pressing every kiss against me as if he was afraid he was no longer going to breathe. I did the same, since I loved him too much to just push this aside.
With one more kiss to give him, I showed him the sign for I love you. He smiled as I made him do the sign with his fingers, then watching him look out the window of his train showing me the same sign with a big grin on his face. I grinned back, signing it back to him and thinking to myself:
I'm gonna marry him.
Doc and I took the same train from the station that we were dropped off at, heading to Louisiana. It was hard to see the others head off to their own homes. Although we gave each other contact information, it was still painful to watch them go. They were my brothers after all, and I knew they considered me a sister. But Doc and I stuck together on the train, most of the time just sitting in silence with one another and watching the scenery go by. As the familiar willow trees and tall grass came into view, I felt the tightness in my chest again, since he would get off the train two stops before me.
"Tell me about your mom and dad." I said to him as he had his head rested on my shoulder, our feet propped up on the seats in front of us since we were alone in out own carriage on the train. Archer was asleep next to Doc's leg, his head propped up on his thigh and looked rather peaceful. The sun was tinted gold on the low hills of Louisiana as we were getting close to his drop off.
"My mother's gentle, she reminds me of Georgia," Doc explained to me as he wrapped his arm around my own and looking in front of him as I was looking out at the scenery, "My father, very religious and hardheaded. He doubted me being a medic and he didn't think I was good enough for it. I worked for him with the oil rigs when I was enlisted."
"I bet he'll be proud of you now." I reassured, feeling him smile against my shoulder.
"I hope so, gingembre." He replied back, "It's going to be weird going back there, it won't feel right."
"Feel right?" I questioned him.
"Well, I have to get used to the fact that I'm not going to be out on the line anymore," Doc explained, having me think about it even more, "That I won't be saving lives every day and running around for my life. It's going to be…unusual for me to get used to." I stayed quiet some more, having me realize that it was going to be the same for me as well. Was I ready enough to get through what was going to come ahead of me? Was I strong enough?
"Hey." I heard next to me, having me look over to see Doc watch me now with worried eyes. I was too off with my own thoughts to see that he was looking at me and seeing that I was scared.
"You gonna be okay, going home?" He asked me, having me shake my head slowly.
"I don't know, Doc. It's going to be hard for me since I'm so used to the war now." I explained to him, the sound of dreariness in my voice, "It'll be different, very different."
"You're gonna make it." Doc reminded me, having me watch him intently as he sat up finally next to me, "You're stronger than you think."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better." I argued with him, thinking that he was only trying to help me out with what I was feeling.
"I'm serious, Marley." He went on, using my real name then, "You have never crumpled in defeat before when it came to what you know and what you're good at. And what you are good at, is being driven." He was giving me one of his serious stares now, and I could only muster up the strength to give him a smile to show how much he meant to me. I grabbed his hand and held it tightly with my own, feeling the rough skin that was rough because of countless times he saved lives and worked on others.
"You have been a wonderful and great friend to me, after all these years in the army. I'm glad to have met you, and I want to make sure we stay friends, okay?" I asked him aloud, suddenly thinking that it was silly for me to ask that of him. But he then smiled widely at me, squeezing my hand. I loved seeing that smile, it reminded me of my own brother and how much joy he would have when he smiled. It made me wonder then, if I have never have fallen for Joe, would I have fallen for Eugene Roe? I was just as devoted to him as a friend, stuck behind him in every manner of speaking, and we worked together very well. A part of me thought it would have been possible since I did love him. I loved Eugene in such a manner that we would be devoted to each other. I just loved Joe in more of a romantic way than I did with Eugene. What he said next to me, while we were both sitting on the train heading back to out home, made me wish that we wouldn't ever be apart again, since I considered him my best friend.
"We're gonna remain friends for the rest of our lives."
Archer and I stood right in front of my home: such a unique word to say since it didn't feel like home to me. I was back in New Orleans, and after walking the streets of the busy city with Archer in leash, I felt as though I was going through another foreign city back in Europe. But I grew up here, I know these walls and these buildings since I was a mere child. How was it then, that I felt out of place here? I remember walking down these streets on my way to the same train station that I was once at, on my way to the army and to a new adventure away from the world I knew. This was no longer a familiar world, this was different for me. Why did it feel this way? I breathed in the same smells of the restaurants and pubs that I knew, heard the same music and felt the same hot sun. But I felt out of place, out of my own element as I walked on with Archer next to me.
I was now in front of my home: A medium sized farmhouse that was white, but had looked like it has seen better days. The large willow tree in the front years where there was a tire swing my dad hung up when I was 3, the porch with a swinging bench swayed back and forth slightly with the sweet breeze that was coming through. I looked at this home, the very home I was birthed in, and I didn't feel happiness or joy that I was safe. I felt…confusion.
Was this my home now?
The front door opened, having me hear the creak of the screen door open as my own mother came out to see me. I smiled at me, not knowing what else there was to do as she stood on the porch. She looked the same since I saw her four years ago: a heart shaped face and a beautiful smile that made me realize that I was home. I dreamt of her voice singing to me, hearing it in my head in both times of peace and times of fear. And here she was, looking at me as if I was a ghost right in front of her and then a smile breaking out on her face.
"Marley." She breathed out, the accent ringing in the setting sun as I felt more tears coming down my face then. My mother broke into a run, hugging me close in her arms and I hugged her face, missing her hugs more than ever then. She sobbed into my uniform jacket, having me feel the tears against my skin and her hold on mine was so tight that I couldn't breathe. But I hugged her back, so glad that I was back with my mother as I heard the door opening and closing again.
I looked up, beyond my mother's shoulder and I saw both my father and brother there, watching us with big grins on their faces. My father looked worn out from all his time on the sea, more tan and rigid in his stance. But my brother, he was the one that grew up with a more mature face and wiser look in his eyes. He bolted from the porch, running over to me as I was finally being released from our mother. He hugged me too, almost knowing me off my feet and having me finally smile for the first time. He pulled away after a good moment or two, looking at me up and down and then being able to sign to me.
I'm so glad you're home. I've missed you. He signed to me in a fast pace, having me nod my head and see my father walk down slowly, still having his own smile on his face.
I've missed you too, you look good I signed back to him, hearing him chuckle as he framed my face to kiss my head. It was good to see my brother's face, having me miss him and signing to him on a daily basis. He was my best friend, and still was. I hugged my father gently, feel him stroke his fingers in my hair as he would do when I was little. Seeing my family there, hugging me close and telling me that they were glad I was back safe and sound, I though I felt safe again and no longer needing to be filled with fear.
But that night was the first of many nights that were filled with turmoil and nightmares. After I was brought back into the house, I was greeted with a big dinner that had all of the Louisiana fixings and dishes that I talked about with Doc so many times. And as we talked about the things that has happened in the past four years, my parents filling me in with all that they have done and my brother signing to me all about his classes, I thought it would be easy to get back into the swing of things. But even after the dinner was served and I was brought back into my old room, It still felt out of place for me to be at.
I woke up in the middle of the night, the sounds of the men and the battle were haunting my dreams and I woke up screaming. The images were real, the voices of the men crying out for help were real, and the feeling of bullets across my face were real. It was never going to end, and as I sat up in my bed from my first of many nightmares, it was sinking low in my stomach and in my brain.
This was the start of my healing. And I hated it.
