They did not talk about it.
In the following few days after what happened on that roof, they failed to talk about it.
The last 24 hours had passed in a blur for Beca and she hardly had time to sit down and think. She did not quite know how things escalated so quickly. One moment she was trying to talk to Aubrey, to connect with her in hope she would not jump. And the next she was trying to pull Aubrey back as she was falling.
Beca would never, ever forget that moment when she thought she was falling forwards with Aubrey. Falling to their deaths forty feet below. It felt like the slowest moment in her life; feeling herself pitch forward, hand in hand with Aubrey. Feeling Aubrey's tight grip, feeling the slight rush of wind, that jolt in her tummy as the sea of faces stared up at her in horror. That horrific moment when she thought death had come to claim her.
Then everything seemed to move too fast.
Her stomach somersaulting as the officer grabbed her and pulled her right back. Her knees shaking. Then Jesse holding on to her. One moment she was safe in Jesse's arms and he was kissing her. And she had kissed him back desperately, holding on tight to him like he was her anchor. She was terrified that if she let go she would fall in that yawning, empty chasm.
But the next moment, Jesse's arms loosened round her and he stepped back. She felt someone throwing a blanket round her, gripping her shoulders and turning her round. She was asked questions which she tried to answer, aware she sounded far too dazed and not making much sense.
It was noisy and confusing. She could still hear Aubrey screaming and swearing and Mr. Posen bellowing at the officers not to hurt her or he'll have them for police brutality. She heard sirens and various voices fading in and out asking whether she was ok. She was trying to reach out to Jesse but could not find him. Her head was spinning and she needed to sit down. She saw the dots before her eyes and then everything went dark.
And when she woke up, she was in her mom's ER yet again.
Once her mom had made sure she was not in any immediate danger, she was discharged within hours. Rosie Mitchell drove her daughter straight home, leaving work early for once. She had driven home fast, face worried, knuckles white from gripping the wheel, with Beca dozing off in the front seat. Beca was still groggy when they reached home and her mom had helped her to her room.
No visitors allowed; even the police was asked to come back the next day.
Beca was initially happy to agree with that. Except that Dr. Mitchell, on finding out what happened from the news (not from his ex-wife or his daughter), had driven the two hours from Barden and came thundering through the house. The muffled sounds of her parents trying to quarrel quietly on the landing made Beca want to scream. It brought back memories of her eighth birthday.
"I cannot believe you didn't call me! Beca nearly died!"
"I was busy at the hospital. Trying to keep her alive,for goodness sake!"
"Yes, that's always it, isn't it? You are always too busy. How the hell did this happened? Right after that horrible thing that happened during prom!"
"I don't know! Keep your voice down. She's trying to sleep."
"Can't wait for her to be at Barden. I can keep my eye on her better than you do."
Beca had pulled her headphones on, drew the duvet over the head and shut her eyes tight, willing for sleep to come. She slowly turned up the volume on her headphones as the fight escalated, hoping the music would drown out the fighting, like it did years and years ago.
They never had a chance to talk about it.
"Don't go running over there, Jesse."
"Ma..."
Jesse was listlessly pushing the food round his plate. He was sitting at the kitchen table, trying to eat but he had no appetite at all. He glanced at his phone. Nope, no messages. No messages from Beca at all. Mrs. Swanson bustled over, tipping more stew onto his still full plate. "That poor girl had to go through so much and needs rest. Don't go running over and disturbing her."
Jesse just shook his head irritably. All he wanted to do now was to be beside her; just to make sure she was alright. It would make him feel better.
Jesse sighed.
His mom was right - he should not be so selfish.
She needed the rest.
Hell, he needed some time to calm down too.
That last hour watching her talking to Aubrey on the roof had tore his nerves to shreds. He could not believe how brave and selfless Beca was. It was one thing to help a friend; but to go up there and try to talk your nemesis out of committing suicide was something else. Jesse then wondered why he was at all surprised. He knew that about Beca. All that badass scowling was just her armour. Inside she was sweet and selfless. And that was why he loved her.
Yeah. He did. He loved her.
Hopelessly in love with her.
And it took her nearly falling to her death for him to finally find the balls to man up and tell her. God! He just blurted it out just like that; screaming it down at her like some deranged psycho. Like she didn't have to deal with one pyscho already on that roof.
And he had kissed her like he always had meant to and she had kissed him back. He would happily just to hold on to her like that but then, a paramedic had tapped him on his shoulder and pulled him gently away. They needed to check her and he had to reluctantly let go and stood to one side.
Then there was more confusion. Aubrey had tried to make a break for it and there was some scuffling. Mr. Posen was trying to deck one of the officers who had tried to handcuff that crazy blonde and Jesse had to stand well clear as both of them were being restrained. When he tried to get to Beca again, she had lost consciousness and being carted to the waiting ambulance heading straight to ER.
This time Dr. Rosie was definitely NOT amused.
No visits. No phone calls. No texts for the last 48 hours.
Jesse pushed that stew around his plate yet again.
He should let her rest.
He should.
Yes.
Yes, he should.
No.
What if she is all alone in the house?
And needed help making soup or something?
Hot soup can burn pretty bad.
He had to see her.
Jesse got up from the table and hurriedly brought his plate to the sink, quickly scraping it and placing it into the dishwasher.
"Where are you going?" Mrs. Swanson said suspiciously.
"Benji's" came the reply. Not entirely true but entirely false either. He would pass Benji's house on the way to Beca's
The drive over was quick and before long, he was in front of her house. Jesse sat in his car for a while, a little unsure now. Should he really be here? There seemed to be a lot of talk about but really, it could wait. Of course he was dying to know what she made out of his mad declaration on the roof but she nearly died 48 hours ago, for goodness sake. She must need some time to recover. Jesse sat in the car a little while longer debating with himself.
This is stupid.
She was his best friend. He'll just check she's ok and then leave. If she ask him to stay, that would just be a bonus. He got out of his car and walked up the pathway. The house seemed quiet and blinds were drawn down in her window. It did not feel right for him to climb up the tree beside her window like he usually would and for the second time in as many weeks, Jesse found himself pressing on the door bell. He heard the doorknob being turned and the door was opened.
For a moment, Jesse was struck dumb.
"Hey man."
"Hey, Luke," Jesse recovered slowly. "Wasn't expecting to see you here. I thought you're doing your internship."
Luke rubbed his face a little tiredly. "Yeah. Heard what happened and I had to come back. Just got in this morning."
"You drove all that way? You looked shattered."
"Yeah. All eight hours of it."
"Oh."
Jesse just stared at the blonde man who was now yawning a little. Tired, grey circles under worried eyes, blonde hair mussed up. He looked like he had driven all the way from hell to be there. Luke had rushed back to be by her side like the perfect boyfriend he was.
"You wanted to see Beca?" Luke asked.
"Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Just wanted to make sure she's OK."
"She's fine. She's sleeping now."
"Oh. Ok. I'll swing by later."
"Do you want to come in and wait for her?"
Jesse nodded slowly and Luke stepped aside to allow him to come in.
"I'm just making something to eat. Do you want some lunch?" Luke said.
"Nah. I just had mine."
"Ok."
Jesse sat on the sofa in the living room, switching on the telly and flipping the channels. He could hear Luke moving around in the kitchen before he returned to the living room, with a sandwich and a drink. Jesse watched the easy way Luke was moving round the place, at how at home he was. Despite the many years he had been around the house, Jesse felt like he was the intruder here.
"Hey Jess."
"Yup?" Jesse looked at the tall blonde who was sitting in the armchair across from him,
"Thanks for taking care of Becs," Luke said sincerely. "I know I've not been around much. It's just so hard being so far, you know. Glad to know there's someone looking out for her."
"Yeah. Yeah, sure." Jesse said, swallowing a little. He was a bad, bad person. Luke was a nice guy and here Jesse was, coveting his girlfriend. "So you're staying for a couple of days?"
"Maybe for a week. The distance is driving me nuts. I can't be here for her."
"She's tough, you know. She'll be fine."
"Yeah," Luke said smiling. "It won't be for long though. I'm sorting things out and we'll be OK."
"You moving closer?"
Luke merely smiled. "Yeah. Something like that."
Jesse did not know what to say now and Luke silently ate his sandwich. His mind was racing.
Luke's coming back? Moving closer here? Does Beca know? Does this mean she made her choice?
For one long moment, Jesse didn't want to be here. He was a bad, bad person. He had wasted so many chances, so many years. And now only when she was finally in a happy relationship, Jesse Swanson finally decided to confess how he really felt.
I don't deserve her. I'm a terrible, terrible person. I'll just fuck things up for her. I...
"Jesse?"
He looked up and there she was, standing by the doorway. She still looked half asleep, hair in a mess, dressed in an oversize tshirt and shorts, feet in faded pink bunny slippers. She was yawning sleepily, rubbing her eyes with the back of one hand while her other arm was clutching on Mr. Donut Bear. She looked so adorable that Jesse couldn't help but smile. But his smile slid off when Luke came over and hugged her close.
"Hey baby, you're awake," the blonde man mumbled, hugging her tighter and fussing over her. "Are you hungry? Do you want some lunch? Do you want a sandwich?"
"Coffee. I need coffee."
"OK, I'll make you one."
Beca extricated herself from his arms and Luke moved off to the kitchen. Beca's eyes rested on Jesse. They were both staring at each other; each not entirely sure what they should say, each silently willing the other to say something.
"Hey." was all Jesse could muster in all of his nervousness.
"Hey," Beca answered softly.
"How are you feeling?"
A grimace crossed her face."Like a pile of shit. Otherwise, I'm fine."
Jesse smiled a little blandly at that; now at a total loss at what he should say next. She was still standing at the doorway.
"Why did you come over?" Beca asked slowly.
"Just wanna check how you are. Thought you need looking after," Jesse replied softly. His smile turned a little tight. "Didn't know you already have someone doing that."
Beca breathed in and looked down at her feet. "Yeah. Luke came in this morning."
There was an uncomfortable silence, only broken by Luke cheerily coming into the room with a mug of coffee.
"Here you are, love. Just the way you like it." There was a loud 'ping' from the kitchen. "Thought you might like some lunch, babe. I heated up some spaghetti I found in the fridge." Luke said sweetly. He went to kitchen again, leaving them alone. Beca came over and sat next to Jesse. They could hear Luke moving around, taking things out of cupboards and washing up.
Jesse swallowed a little. "So. Your mom OK with Luke staying?"
Beca shrugged. "She's not too pleased. But it also meant that she can go to work and not worry about me."
She took a sip of the coffee Luke made her and made a face. Jesse took a look at the mug. Stupid Luke. She liked her coffee black, strong and sweet. Not white like those poxy tea he drank.
"I could take care of you, you know," Jesse said earnestly. "At least I know how to make your coffee."
Beca snorted a little, took another look at the mug of coffee and placed it on the table.
"Yeah. I could make your favourite meal like, all the time. It's not hard. Just lots of pizza or burritos. But never leftover spaghetti."
Jesse's tone was teasing now. He was desperate to lighten the mood between them. And he was succeeding; she was smiling a little now.
"And maybe rub your feet. Or give you a sponge bath."
"Pervert." Beca mumbled under her breath, trying hard not to laugh.
"Come on. You won't enjoy me washing you? I know all your ticklish spots. I'll avoid them, I'll promise."
"Oh my god, Jesse! Shut up!"
Beca was now hitting him with Mr. Donut Bear and despite his best efforts to duck, Beca had good aim. Jesse caught her arm and admist the laughing and the struggle, he found himself holding her close. All the laughter drained away as he looked down into her eyes. The sound of Luke walking down the hallway made them sprang apart and Luke found them both staring fixedly at the telly.
"Here's your lunch, babe."
"Thanks."
He set the plate of hot spaghetti on the coffee table before sliding next to Beca, making her budge over on the sofa. Then Luke casually slung his arm around Beca's shoulder. Jesse was only too aware how proprietorial that casual move was and he would have scowled deeply if Beca hadn't suddenly placed her feet on his lap. She wiggled her bunny slippers clad feet at him, giving him a cheeky smile that melted his heart.
"You said something about a foot rub?"
They never did really talked about it.
What with Luke hanging around for a week being the perfect boyfriend and with the whirlwind of graduation, they did not have time to be alone to talk about it. And the longer they left it hanging, the harder it was to broach the subject. Jesse thought perhaps she already made up her mind, that she chose Luke and maybe she didn't want to talk to him about it to spare his feelings. Beca wondered why Jesse didn't say anything. Oh, she remembered what he said on the roof. She remembered it all too clearly. And the longer he didn't mention it, the more she thought perhaps it was a mistake. That perhaps it was said in the heat of the moment and he didn't really mean it.
So they didn't talk about it.
And the chance withered more and more as the days past.
Just like the many times they chose to kept their feelings to themselves.
Just like the many times they turned away instead of facing what was right in front of them.
A/N : Ugh. I am so sorry. This was not very good. I didn't originally have the suicide attempt in the story map so got stuck a little here.
