--same disclaimers
--author's notes at the end
"It's still weird," Susan announced.
"What's still weird?" Abby asked, pulling her hat more securely over her ears.
"Not riding home with John all the time," she answered, watching his car pull out of the school parking lot.
"I never asked you to walk home with me."
Susan paused before responding. "I guess what I mean is that it's weird that you don't get rides from John anymore. The three of us being together all the time was just so...I don't know, ingrained into my system that the way things are now are just a bit unsettling."
Abby sighed. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. This isn't your fault. You have every right to not want to be around him right now."
"If it's any consolation, it's weird for me, too."
Susan put her arm around her friend's shoulders. "I know it is."
In spite of what she said, life was slowly returning to normal for Abby. Or, at least as normal as it could get without John, seeing as how he'd been a part of her life since she had moved there. Maybe this was a new normal.
It was still tough, even after three weeks. She saw him everyday, but wouldn't look at him, speak to him, nothing. She did her best to pretend he didn't exist; it made life marginally easier for her. She was making friends with a new set of people, so she had others to talk to when Susan was hanging out with John. Not that Susan had abandoned her--she'd kept her promise, and was there for Abby whenever she needed someone. But she was dividing her time between two friends, so Abby had forced herself to meet new people to keep herself occupied.
Even though she was developing new patterns, making new friends, something still felt wrong. Her first instinct was to hang out with John and Susan after school. She had to force herself to take the bus to school, and not wait for John to show up to give her a ride. At times, her hand would involuntarily reach out for his, usually between classes, which was when they'd meet each other in the hallways for a quick hello before the bell rang. It all boiled down to one simple fact--she wanted to be with John.
She felt somewhat pathetic, pining over a guy like this. She thought she should be moving on, dating other people, just like John had wanted them to. She had tried being angry, but found that she couldn't stay mad at him, despite everything that had happened. She was still hurt, but she thought she was hiding it well, even from Susan. She was still as confused as ever about why they'd broken up, and Susan hadn't been willing to give up any information. All she'd told Abby was that John was upset that he'd hurt her, and anything beyond that was for him to tell.
Abby dug around in her bag, finally producing a cigarette and lighter. She looked over her shoulder, making sure they were far enough away from school grounds so she wouldn't get into trouble, then lit up.
Susan couldn't help but frown a little. "When are you going to stop smoking?"
Abby took a few drags before deciding on an answer. "When it stops hurting."
Susan could find no comeback for that one. How could she argue with logic like that, at least given the circumstances?
"And please don't give me the speech."
"What speech?"
"The one where you tell me how bad smoking is and what kind of damage it can do. I'm well-aware of the consequences, and have read the warning label on the side of the box many times. Unfortunately, I just can't bring myself to give a damn."
"Well, can I ask you a question about it?"
Abby lifted an eyebrow in curiousity. "Go ahead."
"What made you start smoking?"
She shrugged. "Control. Or lack there of."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that for me, and a lot of other people, I imagine, smoking is a control thing. I can't control what happens at school, I can't control what happens at home, I can't control the actions of stupid boys, but I can control the action of bringing a cigarette to my mouth and pulling it away. It's marginally comforting. It's not because of the taste, though I personally don't think they taste terrible; it's just so I can have control over something."
"Fair enough. It's your life, you do what you want."
Abby let out a short laugh that was filled with anything but mirth. "Right. If I could do what I want, I'd erase the past few weeks and still be with John."
Very tentatively, Susan said, "Well, if that's how you feel, why don't you talk to him?"
"Because it hurts too much. It hurts to look at him, it hurts to be near him...hell, it even hurts to think about him. I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around this whole thing. I can't manage to comprehend how someone I cared so much about, who claimed to care about me, who I shared so much with, could do something like this to me. It's bothering me so much that I can barely eat. Right now, it's a struggle to decide which is worse--being awake, or sleeping. Because if I'm awake, I'm thinking about him. But if I'm asleep, I'm dreaming about him. So it's a struggle to decide if I want to stay awake and brood about the situation, or if I want to sleep and have my subconscious attack me. I don't know which way is up or down right now. I've been hurt by too many people that were close to me--this just feels like the last straw. Every time I let someone in, they stomp on my heart. I don't think anything could surprise me anymore, at least not in regards to the way people treat me. So, while I miss him so much it feels like I'm going to split apart at times, I can't be with him. Because if I'm with him, I might kill him."
Susan was momentarily stunned into silence. She'd had no idea that her friend felt like that. She hadn't realized that Abby was hurting that much; she'd assumed that since not much had been said on the matter lately and that Abby had been acting relatively normal at school that it was being dealt with it in private. Instead, she'd been falling apart inside.
"Maybe you should tell him that, then. Tell him how much he's hurt you."
"I can't." Abby took a deep breath, trying to control the trembling of her voice, the tears she felt were on the verge of breaking the surface. "I know that if I tried to talk to him, I wouldn't be able to yell. I'd just cry. That's just the way it comes out. And I don't want him to know that he made me cry. I don't want him to know that he has the ability to hurt me like this. I can't give him that kind of power, even if it's not a power he'd use. I just can't do it. Not yet. I know it'll get easier with time, but right now...it's too much."
Susan searched her mind for words--words that wouldn't sound empty and hollow to Abby, words that wouldn't sound like promises that could never be kept. Nothing came to mind. She just knew she had to be there for Abby, a shoulder she could lean on if it was ever needed.
Suddenly, they were interrupted by the sound of crunching leaves and a heavily-accented voice calling out. "Abby?"
The pair turned around to see Luka Kovac, one of the school's foreign exchange students, striding toward them.
Still trying to compose herself, Abby managed a small smile of greeting, aware that it looked forced. "Hey, Luka. What's up?"
He paused upon reaching the girls, shifting his weight from foot to foot, looking very nervous. "Uhh...can I talk to you for a minute?"
She looked over at Susan, raising an eyebrow. Susan raised one in response, then shrugged and shuffled a few paces away, giving them privacy, but remaining close enough to listen somewhat covertly.
Thoroughly confused, Abby returned her attention to Luka, waiting for him to say something. When he remained silent, she asked, "What can I do for you, Luka?"
"We have a class together," he answered, his voice soft.
"Indeed we do. European history. I imagine that class is easier for you than the rest of us, all things considered," she answered, still baffled.
He answered with a grin. "Yes, it is. American history is what I have trouble with."
"So I'm going to take a guess and say that you don't need a tutor in history."
"No, no tutoring necessary." Silence fell between them again.
"So..." Abby drawled out, still waiting, wondering where this was going.
"I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me sometime," he answered in a rush. Her jaw dropped open in shock. He started talking again before she could object. "I know you spent a lot of time with that guy--John, is it? And I think he's your boyfriend, but--"
"Ex-boyfriend," she corrected, unable to control the touch of bitterness in her voice.
A slow, tentative smile broke out over his face. "You're single, then?"
"So it would appear."
"Then it'd be all right if I took you out? We could have dinner or maybe see a movie?"
Abby let out a deep sigh. "I think it's only fair to let you know...I'm kinda on the rebound right now."
He looked puzzled. "Rebound?"
"Yeah." Then she realized he didn't understand the expression. "It means that I broke up with him very recently and I'm still dealing with it, so any actions I take may be my way of subconsciously trying to see what kind of reactions I'll get from him."
"I'm all right with that."
Her eyes widened in surprise. "You are?"
"I just want to get to know you, Abby. You seem like a nice girl, and I think we could have fun together."
"You really don't mind?"
He shrugged. "Yes. And who knows? Maybe you'll decide you like me better." He gave her a playful wink.
She tried to weigh her options. It wasn't easy--the sit-at-home-and-mope option was very appealing. But Luka did seem like a genuinely nice guy who just wanted to get to know her. She wasn't opposed to the idea of making a new friend, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to date anyone again. But he wasn't asking to be her boyfriend, and she'd already let him know that she was still dealing with the break-up, and he was okay with the situation.
"Sure," she finally answered. "We could do something sometime."
Luka's smile nearly split his face in half. "Great. Are you busy Friday?"
"Uhh, I don't think so."
"Good. We'll do something then. I'll see you tomorrow in class and we can talk more about it then, okay?"
"Okay."
"Thank you, Abby. I'll see you tomorrow. We'll have fun, I promise. Bye!" With that, he turned and walked off in the other direction, not waiting for a response, almost seeming afraid that she would change her mind if she had too much time to think about it, which was a genuine possibility.
Shrugging, she turned in the direction of home, wondering if Susan was still waiting for her. Her question was answered when she saw her friend standing a few feet away, eyes wide, mouth hanging open in complete shock, at a total loss for words.
Shrugging again, Abby began walking once more, figuring that Susan would catch up once she'd regained her equalibrium. She was sure the other girl would have plenty to say once the ability to speak returned.
First of all, I am SO sorry this took three months, especially when I said a few weeks. I suck at life. However, almost immediately after I posted chapter ten, the shit hit the fan for me in a big way--a lot happened in a very short amount of time, and I had so much to try and deal with that I couldn't find any motivation to write. What sucks even more is that life was imitating art, or imitating the events of chapter ten. I had a someone whom I considered a very close friend screw me over. Hard. Without any explanations. It was really tough, to put it mildly. So I have to say that parts of this chapter are very personal to me--they came directly from what I was feeling at the time. Abby's little speech about it hurting too much? Yeah, that's stuff I said, almost verbatim. I guess in a way helped me understand what I was putting Abby through, so maybe it made her pain a little more real. I don't know. I just know that I'm still having a tough time getting back into the swing of things, even three months later. Let's just say that the past six months have been hell for me. As usual, I make no promises about future updates, but I do hope to be more frequent about it. Please don't hate me for the way I ended this one. Oh, and I wanted to give a few thanks. I'm not into the review response thing, but there were a couple of reviews of the last chapters that really stuck out to me, so I wanted to thank windswept butterfly, TinyStar, and lemonjelly for their kind words. It meant a lot to me. Of course, so did all the other reviews. The amount I received was amazing, so thanks to all of you. BTW, lemonjelly--you asked if I have any original stuff. Well, not so much anymore, though one of my friends and I are tentatively working on a book. If anything happens with that, I'll let you know. So...thanks for reading my obscenely long author's notes. You're all awesome. Here's to 300 reviews!
