"Am I interrupting anything?" Asami asked.
Korra shook her head. "Not really, no. Why, what's up?"
"Can we talk?" Asami began shaking almost immediately. A rush of words and sentiments swirled inside her like a tornado. So many things she wanted to say and so many ways to say it. Holding her feelings in for so long was physically painful. She needed to finally get it off her chest, no matter the consequences.
The seated woman tilted her head, looking up at Asami more seriously. Korra seemed to be able to read the worry and concern on her face. She relinquished her relaxed pose, moving into one more suited to addressing the problems of a friend. She tucked her feet in close and rested her hands in her lap. "What do you want to talk about?"
I'm in love with you, Asami wanted to say. She needed to say it. But she couldn't spit it out. The pressure in her chest made it impossible to speak; impossible to be open or honest. She stood over Korra with her arms crossed defensively along her stomach. She squeezed tighter and shuffled her feet. Her mouth opened and closed repeatedly. Finally, she managed to sputter a few short words. "I-I went to see my father again."
"Oh," Korra said from below. The sideways expression on her face conveyed that she expected the confession to be much more severe based on the tone of Asami's voice. She raised one eyebrow, then the other. Eventually, she held out a hand, motioning to the spot next to herself, extending an offer for Asami to sit beside her. "Well, tell me about it. How is he doing?"
Asami took the offered seat. She stepped closer and dropped to the ground, pulling her legs in close to her chest. Leaning forward, she laid her arms along her knees in order to get comfortable on the hard ground. "I don't know," she said softly. "He seems so worn-out now. Like all the life's been sucked out of him." Her shoulders slumped as she talked. It became easier to have a conversation, but the actual topic was quickly getting away from her. The tenuous grasp she had on the situation was slipping.
Korra hummed thoughtfully. She returned both hands to her lap and started to rock. At times, Korra had trouble sitting still. When nervous or unsure, she fidgeted. "Maybe you should visit him more often. He might just be hurting for contact. When was the last time you stopped by to see him?"
"It's been a couple weeks," Asami replied sadly. When Korra originally returned to Republic City, Asami admitted she'd broken down and visited her father. At the time, she snapped at Korra when the woman tried to advise caution around him. But the Avatar was right. Asami felt ready to forgive him, but she remained cautious to the point of avoiding him more recently. She couldn't rebuild her trust. It remained hard to look at him, even now.
"Do you think you're past all the things that happened between you two?" The Water Tribe girl's beautiful blue eyes watched Asami very close. She knew she was reading into it, but Korra did appear to care for her very deeply. She wanted to believe that look was a loving one, but those were the naïve fantasies of a hopeless romantic.
Asami shook her head. "No, not entirely, and I may never be. He kept everything from me. And then he wanted me to abandon all my friends for his cause, and just leave everything behind and join Amon. He called Mako terrible things, and expected me to break things off with him. He wanted me to hurt people." She lifted her eyes while trying to bury her face between her knees. Both arms squeezed around her legs more securely. "He wanted me to hurt you. I could never do that."
"Do you believe he's changed?" Support from Korra showed more and more over the course of the conversation. She must have known how sensitive the topic was, and approached it carefully. Korra kept hold of a lingering doubt, to keep Asami from giving her father too much trust. At her heart, Korra clearly just wanted to help Asami. After the last fight over her father, Korra was treading very carefully to try and remain tactful.
"He has changed, I just don't know how much. We just saw things differently. He believed every bender to be his enemy, and he expected me to think the same thing." She stopped to take a slow breath. "I think he realized how much he hurt me, and maybe he's beginning to understand how awful his mindset really was. But those are all things I won't really know until the future."
Korra nodded silently along with every word Asami said. When she finished, the younger girl pushed her legs outward, changing positions to get comfortable. A brief pained expression showed on her face, advertising the discomfort she felt while trying to find a better way to sit. "I think about the future a lot. It can be really frightening sometimes."
"Yes, it can be," Asami breathed shallowly. Creeping doubt set in, being reminded of the possibilities of a frightening future. She shoved the feeling away by changing the subject. "What do you think about?"
A large sigh rose from Korra's parted lips. The Avatar tilted her head back, staring up into the sky. "I usually think about my friends, and the fights I've been through. It's why I want to keep improving myself. All my struggles have been close calls. I almost lost a part of myself each time. I feel like I wasn't ready for any of those battles. And I worry that I never really can be ready for things like that. All I can do is trust my friends, and hope they're there for me when the time comes."
Asami listened to each word. Korra recently made great strides in accepting the assistance of those around her. It was a much-needed change. Deep down, it seemed like Korra always wanted to protect others. She just didn't know how. "I know it's a scary thought," Asami began, "but what do you think would happen if a new threat arose? Something that wanted to throw the world out of balance?"
Korra responded in a solemn voice, her facial expression turning flat. "It's my duty as the Avatar to protect the world, no matter what. Even if I have to lay down my life to do so. I have to do everything in my power to keep everyone safe."
Asami frowned. "There's more to it than that. You don't protect people just because it's your duty. I know you care about others, too." Thoughts and memories of previous encounters sparked in her head. Every emotional outburst from Korra, who sincerely wanted to help those in need.
"I don't know," Korra squeaked. She looked away as her mood grew darker. "Sometimes I feel like that's all I am. Just the Avatar. Some force of nature that's here to fix things and then move on." She squirmed, looking to grow uncomfortable. "Like I'm just some monster."
"You're not a monster," Asami interjected. Her jaw dropped, staring at Korra in disbelief. How could she possibly think that? She wanted to tell Korra she was the most wonderful and remarkable woman on the planet, but no words came out. She could only mewl in protest. "You're not!"
"Maybe," the short-haired girl sighed. "But I really feel that way sometimes. For a while, it scared me. I tried to get away. The Avatar state was frightening. I couldn't use it, and when I did, I just became something dangerous. I wasn't me. Just the Avatar."
Asami squinted as she looked across at the sulking woman. A strong sensation of pain swelled in her stomach. She couldn't imagine how Korra must have felt with so much weight on her shoulders. She pressed onward, trying her best to sound reassuring. "You know, you're more than just a vessel for the Avatar spirit. You're Korra, too. You're an incredible woman with your own hopes, dreams, and wishes. You may be the Avatar, but you're still allowed to be human, too." She waited in silence for a reply. When none came, she picked herself up and scooted closer to Korra, claiming a spot nearer her side. She leaned her weight into the other woman, bumping shoulders. "What do you want? What kind of future do you want to have? As Korra, not the Avatar."
Korra looked to her side, catching Asami's eye. She faked a smile, and even returned the bump of shoulders. She began slowly. "My duties as the Avatar are supposed to come first. But, I have thought a little about what I would like to do with myself."
"What do you want to do with your future?" Asami asked timidly. Her full attention locked on Korra. For the time being, Korra was her entire world.
Korra sat up. She eased her shoulder away from Asami's light touch and raised a hand to her head. She grabbed a handful of hair, rubbing the back of her head while taking on a sheepish grin. "Well, maybe it's kind of dumb," she began to say. She shot Asami a look as if expecting her to chime in or move on, giving her a chance to not complete the thought. Instead, Asami stayed quiet, wanting to hear. Korra cleared her throat and dropped both hands to grasp at her ankles. "Well, I'm probably still too young to worry about this kind of thing, but I'd like to settle down at some point."
Asami clicked her teeth together, struggling to keep quiet. Her eyes grew rounder, and her fingers clenched tight on her shins. While obviously unintentional, Korra seemed to know just what to say to make Asami nervous. She took a breath to speak in a very small voice. "Settle down?"
The Water Tribe girl averted her gaze while her cheeks took on a pinkish hue. She leaned back, seemingly trying to act cool. Korra usually put on a tough face, but through her cracks she had many tender and sensitive moving parts. A softer, more feminine side. "One day, yes. I just remember talking to Katara when I was younger. Whenever she'd mention Aang, she always looked so happy. In her stories, they seemed wonderful together. And it made me realize, even with all of the responsibilities to the world, the Avatar could still find happiness too. I guess it's silly," she concluded.
Asami scooted closer subconsciously. She reached outward with a hand, catching Korra's wrist in her fingertips, inching across the smooth skin. She tightened her grip to hold Korra's hand in her own. At this point, her breathing almost completely stopped. "It's not silly," she whispered. "You deserve to be happy. More than anyone."
The smile Korra returned showed her appreciation, but she didn't immediately cheer up. She turned her hand over to hold Asami's palm. Those blue eyes fell to look at the blend of interwoven fingers. "When I first came to Republic City, I wanted to capture that idea of lasting romance. I fell all over myself trying to find it. I made a fool of myself to Mako, and I guess I came between the two of you, too." Her voice trailed off sadly.
More distance closed between them. Asami scooted closer, tightening her fingers on Korra's hand. She was becoming less aware of her actual positioning, not realizing the apparent closeness. "I'm over Mako. I never really blamed you for that anyway."
Korra shifted her weight, leaning back into Asami's shoulder. Asami jumped at the opportunity to support her, both physically and emotionally. She listened as Korra spoke. "You know, I—" She stopped suddenly, seeming to rewind and consider her words again. "I think I'm afraid of dying. I'm barely twenty-one, and I spent three of those years in a wheelchair. Almost all of my early life was spent being trained by the White Lotus. I've barely ever done anything that I wanted to do. Tenzin tried to hold me back from having a social life, so I had to fight for that. Every major threat I dealt with, especially Zaheer, I feared for my life. I don't want to die never having done anything."
The fragile woman needed support. Asami moved once again, using her unoccupied hand to rub against Korra's back. She curled her fingers, dragging her nails along the other girl's shoulder blades and spine. Asami wanted to reach out to Korra, but she couldn't think of anything to say. The words that drifted from her lips felt hollow. "I don't want you to die, either, Korra."
Korra sighed, closing her eyes. Her back arched a little, consciously moving into the rub of the fingernails against her back. "I will, though, one day. It's all part of the Avatar cycle. I just need to focus on making use of the time I have."
Silence lingered for a long time. Asami began to fret over the idea of Korra not being around, but she tried not to think about it. She tilted her head, looking at the Avatar once her mind cleared enough to resume the conversation. There was one question she wanted to ask. "What are past lives like? What's it like to reincarnate?"
Cracking her eyes open again, Korra refocused on the grass in front of herself. She twisted her lips in consideration. After a moment, she replied in a gloomy voice. "Honestly? I don't know. There's a lot I still don't know. I don't know how much of me is made up of bits and pieces of previous incarnations, if any at all. I'm just my own person. And whoever comes after me will be completely different, too."
"It seems so strange," said Asami gently. "You're not at all Aang. But you are, in a way. I wonder what it's like for Katara or Tenzin." Stopping to think about it just raised more questions. Did Katara see Aang when she looked at Korra?
Blue eyes flashed at Asami. Korra's head lifted, short hair bouncing against her cheeks. "I've definitely thought about that. Sometimes I wonder if certain people look at me based on who I was in a past life. Tenzin has always been very protective of me, and I wonder if that's because he misses Aang." Korra then blinked, her face contorting into an amused expression. She started laughing. "In a weird way, I guess that means I was Tenzin's dad at one point."
Asami twisted her nose and stuck out her tongue. "Eww, I don't want to think about that! Maybe it's better you don't remember much about your past lives." She snickered along with Korra's laughter. "That's both confusing and disturbing."
Korra smiled. "I guess it gets a little blurry when you start trying to connect things like that. In past lives I've been from each of the four nations. Every personality type you could imagine. I've been male and female. Katara said one of my past lives was left-handed." She hummed, then canted her head to one side. "I guess every Avatar is completely different."
"My favorite one is Korra," Asami added. The two exchanged smiles before settling again. After some silence, Asami spoke up. "So, when you pass on, the next Avatar will have access to your memories and experiences, right? In the same way you were able to talk to Aang for advice?"
"I believe that's how it works, yes," mused Korra.
"So all the people you know, everyone you ever spent time with, they all get to live on in those thoughts and memories." Asami caught Korra's eyes, gazing into them. Her tone remained quiet and soft. She had many fears about how to interact with the Avatar, and what might come of that. But distant fears and somber reminders of mortality drifted out of her mind when she focused on the concept of always being with Korra in some way.
Korra looked confused at first, but started to brighten after a few seconds. The smirk of a person who just learned something new showed on her lips. "I guess you're right. And even once the new Avatar takes over, I'll still be there, in a small way."
Asami drew a slow breath while watching the other woman. She felt very close to Korra. Her heart sank, thinking what it might be like to be with her even after they'd both passed on. She felt a warm tingle along her skin, reminded of the happiness she felt she'd been missing. "That sounds nice," she whispered in a dreamy voice.
When Asami began to draw closer, Korra moved as well. She wiggled in place, bending her knees to sit on top of her legs. She tucked them underneath herself, moving into a kneeling position. Asami paused long enough to allow her movement, and then stopped to listen to her speak. "You know, I'm glad you're opening up again. I feel like you've been more distant lately."
"Have I?" Asami asked, surprised. But maybe Korra was right. More recently, Asami tried very hard to keep herself at a safe distance. She didn't want to push, and was afraid of potential backlash. Maybe Korra missed the closeness. "I'm sorry."
A quick smile showed on Korra's face. "It's fine. I just worry about you sometimes. I'm glad to have you to talk to when things are bothering me, so I hope you feel comfortable enough to talk to me, too."
A slow, dull shake started to ripple through Asami's body. She squirmed from the twisting knot in her stomach, trying not to look at Korra. She could feel her confession to Korra slipping out of her fingertips, and it made her muscles tighten. Her fingers and toes clenched. She barely managed a breath. "Korra, I—" Her voice came out weakly, her mouth dry. She struggled hard against her insecurities and the bonds of panic holding her back. "I'm—glad we're such good friends," she finished lamely. Her eyes snapped shut and she screamed inside her head. Why? Why would she say that? An emptiness flooded through her chest, making her shiver from head to toe.
"Me too," Korra said from above. The younger girl loosened her grip, beginning to pull away from Asami. Asami allowed it, having no strength left to fight with. Korra eased away just enough to take a better look at her. "Are you cold?"
Asami realized the extent of her shaking. Not from the cold, of course, but from exasperation and hopelessness. She sat up before Korra, her head drooping and eyes looking sad. "It's a little cold," she muttered.
Strong arms reached out for Asami. At the same time, Asami tightened in on herself and closed her eyes. She didn't deserve the attention or the affection, but she accepted it regardless. She allowed Korra to lean into her and embrace her around the middle. Asami's hands clasped together and folded in her lap. Her entire form leaned into Korra's chest, into her warmth and protection.
She hated herself for it, but she became completely silent in Korra's arms. The quivering slowed and eventually stopped, only to be replaced by a bleak void in the pit of her stomach. Feelings of guilt flooded her mind. She was just using Korra. It was dishonest. She was Korra's friend, lying to her just to feel a fleeting touch. She couldn't keep doing this.
"If you're cold now, it'll be even worse tomorrow. I heard that it's supposed to snow." Korra sounded energetic, maybe even giddy.
"Yeah?" Asami squeaked. She didn't have the heart for conversation.
"I can't wait to see snow again. It'll be like being back home." Korra noticed the awkward silence, looking down at the raven-haired girl in her arms. "Maybe we should go inside."
Asami forced herself to pull away from the hug. Her joints hurt, and her head felt heavy. She lifted a hand, resting it against her forehead, closing her eyes. "Okay, let's go inside."
