heroes and thieves
chapter five - my best (part IV)
She knows she can't blame Kiyotaka for telling him. But she does anyway.
"I had no idea he would react this way." The detective is frowning into a cup of coffee, steam rising nearly to the tip of his nose. His office is quiet - she's never visited him at work before, she realizes - but she can hear footsteps and conversation somewhere outside, beyond the closed door. "Before his surgery, his physician told him about the gene therapy process. He explained that the technology had been investigated and experimented with abroad." The tall man sighs. "This morning, Ayumu asked me what I had sent you away to do, and what it had to do with his surgery. I thought he would be appreciative."
"He seemed…" Yui presses her knees tight together, folding her hands on top of them. "... upset, with me."
"He said that he should have been asked about the research before it was done. That it should have been his choice to undergo the surgery, not mine." Kiyotaka shakes his head. "That you shouldn't have been dragged into it again."
"I wasn't… dragged in. I was the one who volunteered…"
"I explained that. I told him that you had greatly aided the research into the regeneration of axons, and that your actions directly led to the new technology and procedures used in his surgery."
"I…" She stares at her hands, feeling helpless and sad. "I upset him. Maybe I… maybe I should have asked, before I - "
"No." He shakes his head again. "When you left, Ayumu knew that we wanted to fight for him. He knew we felt that it was owed to him, based on all that he accomplished. There were no objections, back then." He lets out a breath. "However, I fear that… without my noticing, something has changed. Based on what he has said to me… he seems tired. It is a hard fight that he has been going through, and it will only get harder. I asked a psychiatrist to visit with him this week, assuming that he may be depressed. But knowing him as I do, I doubt that he will speak with anyone about his feelings."
"He said that…" She swallows. "That he can't fight forever… and that if his body gives up, he wants to - to - " These words, these terrible words, are so hard for her to say. "... die in peace."
"Ah." Kiyotaka lifts his cup of coffee to his mouth, seems to think better of it, and places it back on his desk again. "Truthfully… Ayumu may feel as if there is nothing left for him to fight for."
"Why?"
"The Blade Children are living comfortable lives. Madoka and I have reconciled our… well, my differences. And you are safe, released from my contract." He shakes his head slowly. "At the end of everything, he wanted nothing more. Now that all of this has been accomplished, what is left for him to desire?"
"Why doesn't he…" She struggles to put her words together, to give voice to her cloudy, jumbled thoughts; she finally meets his eyes with hers, and something about the way he looks at her makes her feel sad, helpless, almost ruined. "He… doesn't want to live for his own sake…?"
"Ever since the very beginning, Ayumu has desired almost nothing for himself." His voice is quiet. "He needs a reason to fight. A reason to seek the happiness that everyone around him has found. But living for the sake of being alive isn't enough motivation, right now. And based on what he said to you… I fear that it may never be."
She lowers her head and is silent. Tears burn behind her eyes, but she does her best to fight them off, promising herself that she can cry later, when she's alone, not now and not ever in front of him of all people. "What can…" she whispers, "... what can I do?"
Kiyotaka seems to think about this. He finally drinks from his cup, one sip followed by several more, and it's after he sets his mug down on the desk again that he answers. "Two years ago," he says, "you were the most important person in the world to him. Even after he realized the truth, he cared deeply about you - beyond what even he expected." He pauses. "I suppose it would be inappropriate to ask how you felt about him, in return - "
"Highly," she interjects, but the word comes out sad and strained instead of angry.
"... but even so, Yui, if there is any kind of chance to inspire him again… it would come from you. You are the person who knows him best, even now. And whether your reason for wanting him to live is selfish or unselfish, or some combination of both, I am sure that you could find a way to grant him the happiness he is missing."
She doesn't know what to say to him. Since she's come back to Japan, she's been made speechless so many times, left so many conversations abruptly, without warning. It's as if she's forgotten how to cope with emotions, she thinks. And maybe she has. Luckily, it's then that Kiyotaka's phone rings and he answers, forcing enthusiasm into his voice, and she takes that opportunity to slip quietly away.
She only makes it halfway through the walk home before she bursts into tears. And everything she ever felt about Yuizaki Hiyono, about her role as the constant companion to a messy-haired boy with the mind of a genius and logic that could never be broken, comes flooding back to her from its shallow, half-heartedly dug grave.
She never did get to say those words to him.
Although Kiyotaka-san gave me the name Yuizaki Hiyono, I was never acting. Everything that I did to support you was from my heart. So, moving forward, I'd like you to understand that I have always been honest with you. And no matter what happens, Narumi-san, I want to be by your side. Because that's the thing I want most in this world.
