heroes and thieves
chapter six - come undone


She's never quite admitted to herself that she loves him.

She came close, once before, just after they'd said goodbye. She'd stood there and watched him walk away, his earring clasped in one of her hands, and she'd cried until she thought her eyes would run dry. She'd sworn early on that she wouldn't feel anything for him, that she would never do anything as unprofessional as developing feelings for the person she was supposed to be watching -

But she had. She would admit that much, then, and she'll admit that much now. But she won't say that she loves him, because it wouldn't be right. Because he wouldn't want it.

That's what she tells herself, anyway.

It's pouring when she makes it to the hospital, out of breath from running, Kiyotaka's words still practically ringing in her ears. Ayumu collapsed. He's not responding to the treatment. Can you come? Under normal circumstances, she knows he wouldn't be admitted visitors, but these are not normal circumstances.

She leans against the back of the elevator as it ascends, panting, her umbrella hanging by her side and dripping all over the floor. She doesn't want to think that this is it. That this is the end. That he's giving up the fight. She's only been back a little while, and she never got the chance to say those words to him, the words burning a hole in her heart.

But this isn't about her. She knows that. It is about him. About the person she would give anything to spend her life with.

Kiyotaka and Madoka are speaking quietly outside of his room when she arrives; she slows her pace as she makes her way up the hallway, not wanting to interrupt - or to seem desperate. When they notice her, Kiyotaka clears his throat, turning away from his wife with a grim expression. "He's resting now."

"Is he…" There are a hundred ways she could end that sentence and she doesn't like any of them.

"He'll probably be alright." Madoka answers, glancing once at the closed door of Ayumu's room. "Physically, that is. He hasn't been himself since the surgery, and…" She shakes her head, slowly, something in her expression hinting at helplessness. "He's not… fighting, anymore."

Yui swallows. "May I see him?"

"If anyone can talk some sense into him, it would be you." Madoka steps aside. "Please."

"Thank you," the younger woman responds, and slides open the door to enter the room. She hesitates when she sees him - when she sees the sleeve of a hospital gown rolled up to make room for IVs and bandages spotted with blood, when she sees the paleness of his skin, when she sees the dust cover closed on his piano - but she presses forward, closing the door behind her. "Narumi-san," she says, softly, carefully, "it's… me."

She's surprised to hear him respond; his eyes are closed but he is awake, breathing evenly, an oxygen line discarded around his neck. "I thought I sent you away for good."

"You should know you can't get rid of me that easily," she tries to joke. She walks slowly to his bedside; she notices that her daffodils are gone from the table, but the vase remains, and she makes a mental note to bring more flowers. If she can. "Kiyotaka-san asked me to visit you, so I… wanted to see how you were feeling…"

"Fine."

"Fine?"

"As bad as this looks, I can't feel much of anything." His voice is flat, almost dull. "I fell on the way back from the restroom this morning. It isn't anything you should be concerned about."

"Narumi-san, you can't stop me from being concerned."

"Hn. Unfortunately."

"And you can't send me away for good, either." She shakes her head even though he's not watching, looking down at him in the bed and wondering if he has always been so skinny, if his face has always been so drawn. And she knows the answers, but she doesn't want to think about them. "I want to be here."

"Why?"

It's a simple question, but there's no simple answer. There's not even a complex one. There isn't an answer she can give, not without admitting something she promised she would never, ever, ever admit. So instead of doing that, she leans over his bed and brushes the hair away from his left ear, looking down at the silver hoop that shines there. And when he opens his eyes to look up at her, she tucks her hair behind her ears to show him the silver studs on both sides with a matching silver hoop on the right.

"I kept it," she says, softly.

He looks up at her with half-lidded eyes the color of chocolate, with dry lips that are slightly parted, and it seems like forever until he speaks. "You never told me your name."

She blinks. "My name?"

"The real one. Not the one my brother gave you."

"It's," she begins, and wonders if she should do this but really has no choice, "Yui."

"Yui," he repeats, and closes his eyes again. "That's it?"

She looks down at him, still and fragile in his hospital bed, and after a moment she reaches for the chair that is always near his bedside. "Can I tell you a story, Narumi-san?" she asks. "It isn't very long, but… if you're willing to listen…"

"I'm not going anywhere," he says, and what might be a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. And she can't help but smile, too.

She settles into the chair, dropping her wet umbrella on the floor, and begins to talk. She tells him everything - about how she was abandoned at birth, about her life as an orphan, about growing up without her family. She tells him about how Kiyotaka found her. She tells him about dropping out of high school, only to be taken to Tokyo and put back into Tsukiomi. And she tells him that the name she was given at the orphanage was Yui, that she is twenty-one years old now, and that she has spent two years in Europe helping to research gene therapy and axon replacement, all the methods and means by which his life might be saved.

When she finishes, she thinks he might be asleep, and she's just about ready to be indignant when he opens his eyes. "If all that is true," he says, "why are you still here?"

"Wh - what do you - "

"If you're no longer under my brother's contract, why are you still here? Why bother coming back?" He lifts an eyebrow at her. "Don't you have better things to do?"

She wants to scream at him. She wants to ask him why he doesn't understand. Why he can't just see how much she cares for him, why he doesn't realize that she gave up three years of her life for him in one way or another, why he doesn't look at her and see how devoted she has been to him, all this time, how much she wants to stay by his side -

But she's never actually come out and said any of that, has she?

So how could he possibly understand?

She bows her head. She swallows. And she knows that she's an idiot, but lord help her, she has to say something. Because as smart as Narumi Ayumu is, he probably doesn't realize how she feels.

Not that she does, either, but that's not important.

"Because the thing I want more than anything in this world is to be by Narumi-san's side," she says, and the words come easily, as if she's rehearsed them (and she has). "Because… because I don't want to leave you alone. I believe in you, Narumi-san, like I always have. Even though I was doing what your brother asked me to, everything I did… it was all real. I - "

"Why did you go to Europe?" he interrupts.

And this time her answer is unrehearsed, is just the first thing that pops into her head, but it's better that way. "Because I wanted you to live."

He's silent for a moment, and then he chuckles weakly. "Shouldn't that be my decision? To live or die?"

"Yes," she admits, and lifts her head, swallowing down the perpetual lump in her throat, "yes, but… if Narumi-san decided to live, then… I wanted to help him any way I could."

"And now?" He looks at her closely. "If I decided to live?"

"I would… do anything I could to help."

"Even if that meant going away and never coming back?"

She sucks in a breath. Her chest tightens. And her heart threatens to break.

But she knows what to say, knows what he wants to hear. "Yes, Narumi-san. Even if that meant… going away."

"Hm." He turns his head away and closes his eyes. "I'll think about it."

"... Naru - "

"I knew you were playing a part," he says, suddenly, "before my brother told me. But even after I figured it out, I didn't want it to be real." His voice is low. "Would you have waited for me to come back, even if I had killed him that day?"

"The Narumi-san I know wouldn't have killed Kiyotaka-san," she answers, and lifts a finger to touch the hoop in her ear. "But even so… my loyalty has always been to you."

"Why?"

"Because that's the way it should be."

"Yui," he murmurs, and then he sighs. "I liked your other name better."

And she can't really come up with anything to say to that. So she sits there in silence, watching him until he really does fall asleep, breathing evenly, his head turned to the side just enough to reveal the silver hoop in his ear. Eventually she rises from the chair, picking up her umbrella, and leaves the room.

She won't come back, she tells herself, until he makes a decision. And if this is the end, then…

Then, she thinks, with a parting look over her shoulder as the door slides closed behind her, everything will be how he wanted it. And that is what is important. Not her feelings, not her sacrifices, not the promise she made to him. All that matters is that he is happy.