THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY…
High school sucks.
And how long it takes to write your longest chapter yet.
NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!!
D.D sat comfortably in his armchair chewing on a Slim Jim. But then, like something in at least everyone's lives that happens A LOT. Someone or something had to burst his bubble. The phone rang. It took D.D a few moments to get out of his comfortable chair and hastily pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Boss."
"I have a name!"
"Hey D.D… Turn to the news network."
"What? Did the water pumping station explode again and create a giant wet T-Shirt party covering a ten block radius?"
"No… The guy in the Manor, you know, the fatass with the seventy-five story basement… actually I'll save you the trouble. Him and 115 of his thugs are dead."
"What!?" D.D shot up from his seat. "I just finished payments on that place! Is everything okay? Just needs a little corpse removal and some carpet scrubbing?"
"No D.D, It's pretty badly screwed!" D.D went into a fury of grunts.
"Are you okay?"
"No I'm just getting over the fact that Futurama was canceled OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY!! DO… do you have any idea how much this will be on my credit!? Is it really that bad? Is there a lot of blood?"
"No D.D, It's like 560 emo's just simultaneously slit their wrist and ran around the manor and suction cupped themselves to the ceiling and rolled all over it… I also think someone spilled some soda on one of the sofas."
"OH THAT IS JUST GREAT!!"
"Also the case is missing."
"Oh now it's just tearing me apart! I just know it was that foursome! Find them!" D.D slammed the phone down. He then turned to the four men standing in front of his desk.
"Guard. I need you and your best men to take these bastards down. One for each of you." The guard nodded. His best men also nodded.
"I will not fail you sir." Said the guard curtly. With that, he and his elite's left the room.
Meanwhile. Somewhere on the streets of L.A.
The foursome rode in a new car, and an old friend was driving.
"Wow Harry where did you find this new car?" I asked as I looked at the sweet armor plating.
"Well…" explained Heroine Harry. "I got the idea when I was playing Driver 4, parallel lines. Then I thought, wow, this game blows, but the Ram Raider is awesome! And by coincidence that weird guy at the garage just finished this version of it and… it was just sitting there with the keys in the ignition. I stole it, I think it's the best thing I've ever stolen, besides the Mona Lisa and Jimmy Haufa's body."
I was about to ask where he found Jimmy Haufa's body, but then suddenly the sound of screeching tires and shouting filled the air. I looked behind us, just twenty meters away, over ten cars were racing towards us. Apparently full of people. I knew immediately that they weren't trying to rule the road, or attempting to sell us vacuum cleaners on the go. Harry knew the same. With the simple push of a button, armor plating slid out from cracks close to the windows and doors, encasing the car like a tank.
And just in the nick of time, two gunners in each car fired upon us, bouncing and ricocheting off the armor or missing entirely. Harry Then pushed the pedal to the floor, screaming past traffic and other obstacles. Our pursuers sped up too, but one wasn't a very skilled driver and smashed into the rear end of a van, flipping over in the process and grinding on its roof until it vaulted over the curb and went straight into a McDonalds. Every window pane on the side of the building shattered as the car exploded. People fled the building in terror, just before the place erupted in flames. Donna looked shocked.
"Hey at least people got exercise" said Todd weakly.
Todd's bad joke was greeted by another burst of gunfire, Harry swerved around cars before they were riddled with bullets, car after car careened off the road and started to crash in the most chaotic ways possible. Telephone polls fell over like dominos after a dodge went into just one. A bus burst its tire after one round hit the rear bumper and lost its brakes, slicing its way through parked cars and taking out everything on the sidewalk for an entire block before a big rig rear ended the bus and sent it onto its side.
Arnold, disgusted by the carnage, climbed through the unprotected sun roof with his AK-47 in one hand and my SIG in the other. Unleashing both clips sent two pursuers into each other after the drivers were killed, while another went off the street entirely, hitting a speed bump at top speed, where it went clean through the top floor of an abandoned building and crashed into the other street below, where a big rig carrying a dozen new cars went into the passenger side, completely demolishing it and disorienting the drivers view, he then went into a row of cars at the stop light, his load now loose, fell out and went downhill.
Arnold went back for ammo, only to be greeted by Harry swearing. The dozen or so cars that went down hill screamed through the intersection, one missing the rear bumper by inches. The pursuers were not so lucky. Well, think of the part of bad boys 2 when they cause a pileup crash in the intersection, but with three times more cars. The pursuers vaulted over each other, grinding into and just completely pulverizing the new vehicles, then vice versa. The new cars that made it through entirely with out a scratch then down the street, tearing through red lights only to cause more chaos, more pileups and surely sending at least one insurance company to hell in a hand basket.
"You hear that?" Todd Asked Donna shortly after the cars stop making noises.
"Hear what?"
"That's the sound of 450 insurance brokers crying." Arnold snatched two clips from the bag that was just recently filled.
"How mooch furtha?" asked Arnold as he reloaded.
"It's gonna be a while. The Fox Plaza is in Century city. (Downtown L.A.)" said Harry. "Even in this car it's gonna be a while." As if by some cruel joke, sirens erupted behind them. It seemed like it was about time the police arrived (Couth, Action cartoon style for Saturday mornings, Couth) I turned around again. Over two dozen police cars appeared right behind us. Along with the roar of the helicopter that circled above, maybe more.
"THIS IS CHIEF WILLIAM J. BRATTON OF THE LAPD!!" Screeched a voice from the helicopter that could be heard from blocks away. "PULL OVER AND STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE WITH YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!!" Almost on cue, a police roadblock spread from sidewalk to sidewalk. Dozens of police officers leaped out of their cruisers with Shotguns and handguns drawn.
"Jee, maybe this should just end." Said Donna.
"What chu' talkin' bout Donna?" I snapped.
"I'm saying that enough is enough! We've been running, shooting and speeding all over L.A, we've caused thousands in property damage, we just got Britney Spears to gain ten pounds, we've got K-fed bumping his shin and we just slaughtered over one hundred thugs In an unrealistic shootout who for some reason had really bad aim. Besides, He sounds so determined, I don't want to disappoint him."
"Maybe yoo doo leetile girl!" shot Arnold. "But I doo not!"
"She has a point Arnold." Said Todd with an agreeable nod.
"Yeah I think this is just retarded." Said Heroine Harry.
"Say yes or I weel keeck your ass!"
"NO WAY DONNA!!" Yelled Todd.
"GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND COOK US SOME DINNER!!" Roared Heroine Harry.
"OH YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF D-"broke off Donna, but was interrupted by a massive explosion! The police barricade was split in half by a column of fire that sent two cruisers end over end and a parked SUV and over a dozen police officers straight into the air!
"WHAT THE FU-!!" Swore the Chief, but was also cut off by two more explosions! The gas station just across the heavily traffic clogged intersection was blown to pieces by a deafening roar of fire and mangling metal, multiple cars flipped onto their sides or roofs while the poor drivers were sent into the air, which was soon occupied by garbage, bins, bleach containers, tires and other assorted gas station related objects with little use or meaning In a ridiculous story written by a fifteen year old boy with nothing better to do than diving into the world that is fanfiction with a head full of stupid stories… You I think I better stop before I get carried away.
Annnnnnnnyyyway. The third and biggest explosion followed shortly after the second, this time the motorcade of police cars that appeared behind them disappeared in a billow of fire and black smoke! Flaming cars and fragments were shooting out of the massive cloud like fireworks, sliding into buildings, rows of parked cars, and crowds of people and just… just… you know just causing a really big mess!
"CHRIST ROGER!! LET'S ACT LIKE HOCKEY STICKS AND GET THE PUCK OUT OF HERE!!"
"I WOULD USUALLY POINT OUT PLAGARISM BUT WE REALLY NEED TOOOOOO-!!!" The helicopter soared off in a drift while Roger was speaking, the other chopper didn't go far, The tail was struck by an explosive and went into a spin as hundred's of people scrambled away from the scene, tumbling over each other and causing even more car accidents as people poured into the streets to escape the carnage. The helicopter with nowhere to go, pierced the side of a skyscraper and exploded, a still spinning blade shot down to the street like a boomerang and completely demolished an occupied pickup truck. The five of us sat there in silence.
"Wow that went out of control faster than the news network crews fighting each other in the movie "Anchorman"."
"Oh it did not!" I objected. A burning police car fell to the ground a few feet away from them, showering the Ram Raider with searing hot metal and burning donuts.
"MY GOD PARIS YOU HIT EVERYTHING BUT THE CAR!!" boomed a loud voice that sounded oddly familiar from an AH-64 apache gunship that appeared just behind the skyscraper.
"Uwe Boll?" I said to myself.
"This helicopter is hot." Said an even more familiar and annoying voice. The other voice stuttered.
"There's no guessing who that is." Said Todd.
"That's your excuse for everything!" Yelled Uwe Boll.
"Because it's hot."
"SHUT UP!!" boomed the other voice. Suddenly, another gunship appeared from behind a row of stores.
"WILL YOU GUYS STOP ARGUEING LIKE A BUNCH OF LITTLE SEVENTH GRADE QUEERS!!?" Roared an even louder voice. "YOUR LITTLE ADVENTURE ENDS HERE!!" The voice said to us. "YOU'VE CAUSED ENOUGH TROUBLE FOR AN ENTIRE MERCENARY CLAN TO COME FOR YOU!! BUT EVEN AN ENTIRE MANOR FULL OF TRIGGER HAPPY THUGS AND A BRIGADE OF ELITE HITMAN COULDN'T TAKE YOU OUT!!"
"Were there any Hitwoman?" asked Paris. With that, the three other pilots burst into laughter.
"OH MY GOD BAUMAN DID YOU HEAR THAT!!?" Asked Uwe Boll, choking back laughter. Apparently Only Boll could have heard the reply. "Oh Paris, Paris Paris, women can't fire guns or drive cars! They can't even play video games! Why do you think you just missed?" In anger, Donna pulled down the armored plated window and shot one round at the gunship where Uwe Boll was riding shotgun. The gunship didn't even move.
"Oh I guess they can fire guns." Said Paris.
"SHUT UP PARIS!!" yelled one of the voices.
"WHAT THE HEEEEEEEEELLL!!?" Screeched Donna as she pulled out a microphone, her voice the loudest. The street was silent except for the loud humming of the chopper. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!!? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT!!?"
"I'll start."
"No I'll start!"
"No I'll start! This scene is hot."
"I'll start because I own 4kids!" I felt as if I just got punched in the chest.
"ALFRED KAHN!!?" I thundered in anger. But Todd just looked like he just bit into a S--t burger.
"YOU RUINED YU-GI-OH YOU ANIVING BASTARD!!"
"It was for the children!" Alfred argued.
"THE CHILDREN IN THIS COUNTRY WATCH AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK AND TYPE THE WORD "PORN" INTO GOOGLE EVERY TEN SECONDS!!"
"Screw you!" Alfred shot back. "After we kill you, I will take over Neopet's and screw it up until it's two times worse than that Japanese nightmare!"
"NO!!" I screamed in terror. "It's already screwed up enough as it is! We can't even show zombies anymore!"
"Yeah we had a sort of small zombie takeover in that Tales of Woe project!" put in Donna. "But then everyone thought it was too violent!"
"Oh yeah we had this scene where Sophie pulls out a shotgun and just turns the street into a Happy Tree Friends cleanup scene!"
"SCREW YOUR ZOMBIES I HAVE CENSORSHIP!!" Yelled Alfred.
"And a gunship." Put in Boll.
"AND A GUNSHIP!!" repeated Alfred.
"I'M NEXT!!" Yelled Uwe Boll.
"Fine."
"WHEN I KILL YOU GUYS!! I WILL CONTINUE TO PRODUCE FAR CRY THE MOVIE!! AND MAKE ANOTHER DISAPOINTING BLOODRAYNE FILM!! AND I MIGHT JUST SCREW UP POSTAL THE MOVIE TOO!!"
"Why Hollywood!?" cried Donna Tearfully. "WHY!!?"
"And Michael Moore will make a movie about this whole thing!"
"What has this world come- OH NOW YOU'RE JUST BEATING A DEAD HORSE!!" I bellowed in anger and frustration.
"AND ONCE BOLL HAS COMEPLETED HIS ABOMINATION OF MOVIES!!" Started Jack Thompson.
"Why do you think I keep making movies!?" Yelled Uwe Boll. "I make movies so I screw them up and piss people off! I don't even play video games!"
"Oh okay." Corrected Thompson. "But once I'm done with you guys, I WILL DESTROY EVERY SINGLE MUSIC AND VIDEO STORE IN LOS ANGELES!!"
"What is your Problem!?" Yelled Harry. There was silence.
"I just joined because this helicopter is hot." Said Paris.
"Ahhhh… close enough." I said.
"PREPARE TO DIE!!" Boomed Alfred Kahn, his turret spinning into life, the others followed. I suddenly had an idea.
"WAIT HOLD ON!! LET ME TELL YOU THE ZOMBIE STORY!!" Uwe Boll Immediately stopped what he was doing.
"WAIT STOP STOP STOP!!" Repeated Uwe Boll.
"What are you talking about!?" Screamed Thompson in shock.
"Let them tell us! I need to get a few ideas so I can make my trailers look more appealing!"
"Oh fine." Said Kahn. "Just give us a few of your Nazi encrusted gold bars when you make enough to buy a private jet."
"Go on." Said Uwe Boll.
"Okay." I said. "Donna, You Gotta help."
SPOILER WARNING
ANOTHER MEANINGLESS WARNING!!
This was the main reason why this chapter was delayed! Because I was without internet and for some reason decided to be a giant prick!
Read on!
Sophie the Swamp Witch ran down the deserted and dark road. The battle between her brother and the inhabitants of this doomed town could be heard as she ran.
"SOPHIE WAIT!!" Screamed Gilly as she ran towards her, gasping for breathe. The injuries she suffered from fighting through the possessed forest were shown with multiple splinters jutting out of her forearms and clothing. Sophie immediately took notice.
"What Happened!?" Exclaimed Sophie. "Did you decide to mimic Steve-o and jump into a thorn patch Naked!?"
"No that Krawk wizard guy turned the entire forest into a big reference to Lord of The Rings and sent them to tear me apart!"
"Oh… Wait he can make trees come to life too!?"
"Yeah apparently he can do a lot of things. Anyway, where are you going!?"
"I was on my way to bake a potion that could help me… I haven't figured out how it will help me yet, I only got to page 34 of the script before I started watching Mind Freak."
"Oh what episode?"
"The one where he gets run over by a steamroller. That guy can do anything! Except potions."
"Oh yeah."
"Potions are the solution to everything! Except for that one time where that Ryan guy created a city under the sea and thought it would be awesome to cell stem cells to the public to boost their strength and powers but didn't realize it was addictive which led the people to riot and then the stem cells screwed up their bodies and minds and everyone started killing each other, but mostly they attacked this airplane crash survivor who ended up being the hero of the little sane inhabitants that remain… I think we better get back on topic."
The two looked around until they noticed the abandoned Insane Asylum, where the strange disturbed Krawk was running to the main doors.
"STOP YOU STUPID MARIYLN MANSON COPYCAT!!" Screeched Gilly at the top of her lungs. The Krawk hesitated, but realized it was in the script.
"Okay." He calmly replied.
"Who the hell are you!?" Demanded Sophie. "SPEAK OR YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF MY TOP HAT!!"
"What are you going to do!?" asked The Krawk with his calm voice of his. "Throw it at me like Odd Job!?"
"No I have really bad fleas."
"Uh oh. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER!! WHAT YOU SEEK LIES INSIDE!!"
"What… What lies inside?" asked Gilly, just as confused as Sophie.
"You have to venture inside to find out! Go now! We are running out of panels!"
"What panels!?" asked Sophie, now more confused as ever.
"The panels of this flash comic strip!"
"What… What are talking about! This isn't a comic strip!"
"You're just rejecting the fact that we are all trapped in panels."
"THERE ARE NO PANELS AROUND HERE!!" Screamed Gilly.
"You just keep saying that."
"You're insane!"
"No you are the ones who are insane!"
"No we're okay." Objected Gilly. "Except one of us hasn't bathed in a while."
"HEY I'LL GET AROUND TO IT!!" Snapped Sophie. "You on the other hand are just psycho!" Sophie pointed her finger at the Krawk.
"Oh really? Well I guess this conversation must really need a twist!" said The Krawk menacingly. With the flick of his fingers, there came very disturbing sound from the nearby graveyard. A big nod to "Night of the living dead", dozens of the dead rose from their graves! Rotting, disfigured, mutilated, mangled and smelly they were!
"HOLY CRAP YOU CAN RAISE THE DEAD TOO!!?" screamed Sophie.
"I can do a lot of things!" exclaimed The Krawk.
"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIINSSSS!!" moaned the zombies in an off-key chorus.
"FABULOOOUSSS BRAIIIIIINNSSS!!" Moaned the Homosexual Zombie.
"OKAY SERIOUSLY!!" Shot Sophie. "WHAT THE F--K IS YOUR PROBLEM!!?
"I have absolutely no problem whatsoever!" Replied the Krawk. "I only do what's necessary!"
"You mean turning my entire town into a deformed legion of mutants and then turning them into ghosts for ten years was necessary!?"
"Of course!"
"Did you even live here!?"
"Of course not! It smells like soup!"
"Then why did you do this!?"
"Ummm… Sophie!?" interrupted Gilly as the incredibly slow "Day of the Dead" zombies shuffled closer and closer.
"Not now Gilly." Went on Sophie. "There must be a reason why you just decided to screw up my town!"
"I do not know what you mean."
"YOU BRAINWASHED AND MUTATED MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, TURNED THEM INTO GHOSTS, GOT AN ENTIRE FOREST TO ATTACK A LITTLE GIRL AND JUST RECENTLY RAISED THE DEAD!!"
"SCREW YOUR RANT I HAVE THE STUPID PLOT SCRIPT!!"
"Oh he got me there."
"SOPHIE!!" screamed Gilly as the Zombies shuffled closer.
"What Gilly!?" Roared Sophie as she reeled around to face her. "WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROBLEM!!"
"Braiiiiiiiiiinnnnssss…" moaned the Zombies.
"Fabuloussss Braaaaiiiiinsss…" Moaned the Homosexual Zombie.
"Oh yeah… the zombies." With that, Sophie took off her hat and pulled out an M1 Carbine and a 12 Gauge Pump Action Mossberg 500.
"Woah how the hell did you fit those things into your hat?" asked the Krawk, shocked.
"How the hell did you manage to raise the dead?"
"Touché." Sophie strapped her Mossberg onto her back and fired the Carbine at the nearest zombie, who just happened to be the gay one.
"Oh this is so not fabulous!" moaned the Gay zombie before he split his head in half on a tombstone. Sophie fired at five more zombies. Each of their heads splitting open from the 30. Caliber rounds piercing their rotting flesh.
"MAN!! TIME TO ACT LIKE A BANANA AND SPLIT!!" Yelled the Krawk, he rounded the fence and disappeared from sight. But soon ran back into view. "DUDE THEIR EVERYWHERE!! THIS WASN"T PART OF THE SCRIPT… maybe I should walk, they aren't very fast." One of the zombies just happened to be a crossover from "Dawn of the Dead" and ran at the Krawk. "OH COMEON!!" The Krawk screamed and ran into the forest. The fast zombie followed.
"Come-on Gilly!" cried Sophie as she barged through the front door. Gilly soon followed. The zombies were then locked out.
"Okay we need to find whatever that psycho said before they break down the door and swarm the place!"
"Are you thinking about fast zombies or the zombies outside?"
"Oh yeah, I guess we could just take our sweet time." Sophie and Gilly were soon wandering the halls. "Man it feels like I'm playing Condemned! Except there are no drug addicts and hallucinations, and I have plenty of ammunition."
"Hey I think I found whatever he said!" yelped Gilly as she opened a door. "It's a glowing flower! It must be the object he was talking about!"
"OH GOLLY JEE WIZ!! YOU THINK SO!!?" cried Sophie. As soon as Gilly grabbed the flower from the skeleton, the sack of bones came to life! Gilly screamed just as a shotgun blast rung out and the sack of bones blew into over a dozen pieces. "Wow I didn't even need a headshot for that one."
"How are we going to get out the door now!?" asked Gilly. "The zombies finally reached the front door!"
"I've got another thing under my hat." Said Sophie calmly as she took off her hat, reached inside and pulled out a 20MM M79 Grenade launcher.
"How much weapons do you have in that thing?" asked Gilly curiously.
"Enough." Sophie shoved a grenade into the chamber.
"How much is enough?"
"Shut up and get out of the way!" yelled Sophie as she fired, the doors blew apart, sending zombies in all directions.
"Oh there was just blood everywhere! A pair of intestines tangled around a tree and there is pink brain matter everywhere!" I went on.
"Hey that sounds pretty-"started Uwe Boll. "WAIT A TICK!! YORU JUST USING THIS COMEPLETLY IDIOTIC AND UNRELATED SUBPLOT IDEA TO DISTRACT US LONG ENOUGH FOR THE COPS TO ARIVE!!" Before anyone else could speak, dozens of police cars, S.W.A.T Vans, and over ten military Blackhawk gun ships and helicopters swarmed the sky. It was now the time for the five some to act. They sped off as their enemies were swearing. They immediately followed, who were then followed by the entire LAPD police department and the National Guard.
There's no telling what's going to happen next.
WILL THE FIVESOME ESCAPE IN ONE PIECE? WHO IS THIS SINISTER D.D.? WAS IT WISE TO CALL IN EVERY AVAILABLE GROUND UNIT INTO A GUNSHIP BATTLE? WHY IS BIOSHOCK SO AWESOME? Well I guess everyone knows why…
TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!
