Harry pushed the pedal to the floor, the Entertainment antichrists followed, firing rather inaccurately after them, mowing down polls, trees, cars and other rubbish in a spectacular show of explosions. Bystanders screamed and ran for their lives and scrambled over wreckage and each other. The police attended to the masses as the allied gun ships had dog fights with the enemies. Harry swerved to the right to avoid an out of control bus that was soon blown to pieces by an air to ground missile. Arnold unloaded into the nearest enemy ineffectively and almost with no affect.
"It's no use!" I yelled over the explosions. "They can't be downed by small arms fire! I don't know how to shake them off! Do you have a secret RPG or bazooka or something Harry?"
"No!" Harry said back as he swerved out of the way of a falling tree. "I was about to load up something explosive but the Ram raider had a certain weight limit before it would act like Roseo Donald in a Marathon!"
OH SNAP!!
"Oh really? Man you think if it could manage to carry tank armor and a beefed up engine it could handle a mounted Explosive device of some sort!" said Todd. One of the black hawks went into a tailspin and brought down another in it's ride, one of them spun into the side of another skyscraper with the other took a dive into a nearby smoke stack, the helicopter blew apart into fragments of metal while the smoke stack went into another and then another like dominos before crumbling into bricks and dust before an explosion of fire and flying glass and debris erupted from a building close to the first smokestack and a gas station that was crushed by the last stack in a horrid mess of burning wreckage and fleeing civilians. A bus was then demolished by a spinning helicopter blade. "We've got to think of something quick! Or L.A. would look worse than many of the artistic concept drawings of fallout 3 and Futurama!"
"I think the picture you're thinking of is just a junkyard in Baltimore." Put in Donna.
"IT'S L.A!!"
"ESCAPE IS FUTILE!!" Screamed Jack Thompson In frustration. "YOU WILL BE NOTHING MORE THAN A BURNING PILE OF CRUMPETS AND A STRONG SMELL OF DUTCH CHOCOLATE!!"
"That doesn't really help." Put in Uwe Boll.
"SHUTUP!!"
"DO YOU WANT NAZI INCRUSTED GOLD OR NOT!!?"
"Yes."
"THEN HOW BOUT YOU SHUTUP!!?"
"Yes master. I am nothing without money and politics. And lying."
"Now keep shooting at them!"
"Wait Uwe… is… is that a blockbuster? And a future shop? And an… EBGAMES AND A RECORD STORE?!!"
"Yeah, why?"
"CAN WE DESTROY IT!!?"
"Well… we kinda destroyed 12 percent of the city, I guess we could." With that, the helicopters swerved to the right, heading for the EBgames."
"What do we do!?" I screamed in Terror and hopelessness as the entire sidewalk on the right for an entire block was incinerated by a row of explosions. "WHAT DO WE DO!!??"
Ben stacked a row of new copies of "Medal of Honor" games.
"HEY TRISHA!!" He yelled. "Can you turn the volume down!? The explosions are so loud I can't even picture my own little fantasy of having sweet hot sticky sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt!"
"I TOLD YOU TEN TIMES!!" Trisha yelled from the backroom. "I'M NOT WATCHING A MOVIE!! I'M PRACTICING BLACK MAGIC!!"
"Bull crap Trisha!" You always lie!"
"Well I'm not lying this time!"
"Yes you are!"
"Why don't you come in here then and check it out yourself!?"
"MAYBE I WILL!!" screamed Ben as he strode over to the back room. "AND MAYBE I WILL EAT A SANDWHICH ON THE WAY- wow you actually are doing black magic." Trisha sat in a glowing circle with boxes and soda cans floating about in some sort of ora.
"See I told you."
"Then where are all the explosions coming from?"
"Uh nah nuh."
"That's your excuse for everything… well I guess it's coming from outside."
"You mean the place that we hardly ever go? Isn't our problem…"
"But if it's outside, then no customers would come in… and I wouldn't get the employee of the month award!"
"You always get that award, probably because I accept nothing and solve my problems with black magic."
"You accept money, don't you?"
"Yeah that's the only thing I accept. And black magic can be very helpful too, it helped me shield myself from Fran Dreschers voice. Infact, its protecting the store right now. But I doubt it's protecting us from explosions, I think you need to check it out."
"Why can't you?"
"BEEEcauuuuuuse! Copies of the orange box are floating very high off the ground right now, and if they break we need to fight off more than just halo fan boys."
"You mean half-life nuts!?"
"Yeah, exactly, and they can punch… hard."
"Okay fine!" Ben stormed out of the store. Before stopping in his tracks. "Oh… god…"
"TAKE THAT YOU HORRIBLE STORE OF URBAN DECAY!!" screamed Thompson as he fired a cruise missile into a nearby records store, screams could be heard and then obscured as fragments of debris rained down into the nearby neighborhood. People ran in terror as missiles struck the parking lot and nearby intersections. Chaos erupted as people fled from their cars and homes before they were blown to smithereens. The poor blokes who could not get away in time were sent through the air like rag dolls. Poles and trees fell down, houses went up in flames, cars fell from the sky and concrete and dirt showered over the neighborhood like a storm. It was surely the apocalypse. With Jack Thompson. Who knew?
"Oh god it's my worst fear come true!" Ben ran back into the store. "TRISHA!! GET YOUR GOTHIC ASS OUT HERE AND SHOOT A FIREBALL AT THAT THING!!"
"Ummm… I'm occupied at the moment."
"We can get more orange boxes! Right now the entertainment antichrist is blowing up the neighborhood!"
"Wow that sounds intense… But I can't do it right now."
"Why!?"
"Because my love for the orange box is too strong, and it would take a while for everything to stop floating around. Get whatever you want from the emergency box, I just recently got an RPG-7 in there, you've played a lot of time crisis, shouldn't be too hard."
"OF COURSE!! THANKS TRISHA!!"
"Yeah whatever." Ben clambered over the desk and pulled the emergency box out from under the stack of unopened copies of Judge Dredd and Bad Day L.A and immediately ripped and pulled at the handle, but was shocked as it was just opened.
"THIS IS A FUN NOODLE!!"
"Really? Because I brought it here after I got my nephew a new fun noodle for the pool, they were right in the trunk… Oh I must have got the two mixed up, man he's gonna find this hilarious… I'm not sure about his mom though…"
"Screw it! I'm calling major backup!" With that, Ben picked up a seashell and blew through it, creating a tune."
MEANWHILE… ON THE OTHER SIDE OF L.A.
Snow flake and Pickles were watching Canadian broadcasting.
"I want more cartoons. And watch them when I want to." Said the actor in a crappy Rogers Commercial.
"More paper view movies." Said another.
"A faster internet." Want on another.
"More minutes."
"How about something new to read? We need books right?" Said Michael Bode. Aka. Lookaway.
"What we need is the Rogers bundle. High speed internet, Personal TV, paper view movies." Said the announcer.
"How about a good book? Or how about a good ol' fashioned open the door and go outside, and maybe a good breathe it in?"
"All for 99 dollars,"
"Are you even listening to me!? The reason why no one knows who we are is because you guys never leave the house! It's like a unhealthy LAN party on a hot day in here!"
Rogers Digital cable, where will it take you?
"OH YOU GUYS CAN JUST PLAY ON THE FREEWAY!!" Lookaway stormed out of the room, heading straight into the world of "The outside". DUN DUN DUUUUN!!
(If you have no idea what that was about, I suggest you watch more Canadian TV.)
"Hey these Canadians are pretty good." Commented Snowflake.
The tune that Ben played went through the air. Pickles bolted from his seat.
"THE CALL!! SOMEONES IN TROUBLE!! THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR…"
"For who?" asked Snowflake.
"Can you do a drumroll Snowflake?"
"How about if I just clap my hands?"
"That'll work."
Snowflake clapped her hands.
"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR SUPER PICKLES!! PICKLES AAWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…"
Pickles jumped out the window, falling four stories to the ground.
Ben stood on the spot.
"Why do I even bother?" Ben threw the shell to the ground, shattering it into dozens of pieces. "Looks like I will have to do this myself… OH THERE GOES THE PIZZA HUT!!"
"NO NOT THE PIZZA HUT!!"
"YEAH THE PIZZA HUT!!"
"KICK HIS ASS!!"
Ben leaped into action, grabbing a copy of Gear of War.
"This is all I need."
Jack Thompson rampaged through the district, while the fivesome drove in incoherent directions, avoiding burning wreckage, fleeing innocent people and of course, explosions. Ben strode coolly to the intersection.
"THOMPSOOOOOOOOONNN!!!" He roared in anger. The chopper that Thompson was flying suddenly turned to look down at him.
"Ooohh… who is this?" said Thompson menacingly. "EBgames, eh? Get out of the way… it doesn't matter, EVERONE HERE IS GOING TO DIE!!"
"Aren't you over reacting a little? I mean they are just videogames…" said Ben.
"SILENCE!!" Boomed Thompson before he fired heat seeking missile at the store. Ben was ready. He threw the copy of Gears of War at the missile like a Frisbee, it soared through the air and cut the missile clean in half, it sheer awesomeness was no match for a massive explosive, and it kept on going, straight for the other gunship.
"Is it supposed to do that?" asked Paris. Uwe was about to yell at her, but suddenly the engine of the gunship was ripped apart by the disk. "OH THIS IS SO NOT HOT!!" the Gunship slammed into the ground, sending searing hot metal and flaming debris in all directions.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!?" roared Thompson In rage. It was only a matter of seconds before his gunship was destroyed by the disk, the gunship spun to the ground, and crashed into a row of parked SUV's. The disk flew back to Ben, who caught it with ease and uninjured. But Uwe Boll And Paris climbed out of the wreck of their machine, injured, but still able to walk.
"Oh this is hot again." Said Paris.
"Oh shut up Paris!" yelled Uwe Boll. But then he turned to Ben. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!" But before he could even move, the Ram Raider collided into them, sending the two Antichrists into the air, and landing hard on the pavement. Paris was dead. –Pauses as thousands of people cheer- But Uwe Boll got to his feet.
"YOU THINK A SIMPLE SPEEDING CAR CAN KILL ME!!?" Taunted Uwe, but once again before he could do anything, a random pedestrian hit him in the back of the head with a golf club.
"THAT'S FOR RUINING BLOOD RAYNE!!" he screamed in anger. Another Pedestrian hit him in the stomach with a 2x4.
"THAT'S FOR RUINING ALONE IN THE DARK!!" screamed another as she struck him in neck with an iron cane.
"AND THIS IS FOR FARCRY WHICH YOU ARE BOUND TO SCREW UP!!" Yelled another as he struck Uwe's kneecaps with a baseball bat. Uwe was then swarmed by angry gamers. Thompson watched in shock.
"THIS!!" he yelled. "THIS IS THE KIND OF VIOLENCE THAT I'M TRYING TO STOP!!"
"Hey F—K you man!" Swore an angry gamer with a long pipe. "Games don't screw us up! Banning games and messing up movies do!"
"And if you think we're pissed! You should check out those angry and disgruntled anime fans!" said another as he pointed to a group of marauding people armed with books.
"THERE HE IS!!" screamed one of them as he held up a copy of Ranma.
"KILL HIM!!"
Thompson jumped out of the way as dozens of people threw manga at Alfred Kahn, paper and comics whizzing by and by, hitting their target with sheer force. Kahn fell to the ground, covered i nsevere paper cuts. One Yu-Gi-Oh fan walked up to him. With the manga in hand.
"Who isn't reading now, B---h?" he said right as he threw the book into Kahns face, the cut was so epic it killed him instantly. Thompson jumped back, all his allies were dead. Except for the ones who are about to be unleashed. He pulled out a walkie-talkie.
"GUARD!! EVERYONES DEAD!! SEND REINFORCMENTSNOW!!"
"Chill out Jack."
"I'm a politician Guard! I can't chill out or I'll explode!"
"The Bauman's are on their way, just hang on until they get there!"
"STOP ASKING FOR HELP JACK AND FIGHT ME!!" Ben screamed at him, his fists shaking in anger. Thompson threw the talkie away.
"You want to fight?" he asked. "I'll show you your-"
"Have you ever noticed?" Ben asked calmly. Thompson stared at him.
"Noticed what?"
"That we are kicking ass in the middle east?" Thompson jumped back in shock.
"What did you say?" Thompson gulped, seemingly in pain.
"I said, We. Are. Kicking ass. In The Middle East." Thompson grabbed his chest in pain.
"NO!! STOP IT!! STOP LYING!! Ben pulled out the latest flavored Doritos.
"Mmmmm… these lime cheese Doritos are delicious."
"NO THEY TASTE LIKE SPICEY HOT BAKED ASS!!"
"Area 51 is just an office complex and massive private Airport."
"NOOO!! THE ALIENS COME BY EVERY SATUDAY AND HAVE POKER WITH HUMANS THERE AND OCCASIONALLY FLY AROUND AND ABDUCT PEOPLE AND ANAL PROBE THEM!! THEN WE LATER LAUGH ABOUT IT AND GET DRUNK!!"
"Did you know that scientology is the way to go?"
"NO!! IT'S A PYRAMID SCHEME!!" Thompson's knees buckled, sending him to the ground.
"Everybody just looooooooooooooooves Americans!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo…." Thompson suddenly burst into flames! His body flailing and then crumbling into ashes. The fivesome got out of the car, surveying the damage.
"Ben!" I screamed in delight. "I didn't know you cared!"
"Of course I care!" Ben said in a small shock. "It's Jack Freakin Thompson.
"But how did you defeat him?" Asked Trisha, who just returned from her black magic practice.
"Simple." Started Ben. "Politicians love to lie, they can't help it, but they cannot stand being lied to. It tears them apart from the inside, sometime gooey, sometimes fiery, sometimes explody, sometimes heart attacky but occasionally acceptable… before they shoot themselves." The roar of a jet engine swept over them, right above the mess, was a fighter jet.
"HEEERRRRESSS BAUMAN!!" A voice roared from the cockpit. With another loud speaker.
"Bauman's, Eric, Bauman's." Came another voice.
"Bauman sounds cooler." A sudden realization swept over everyone at the scene.
"ERIC BAUMAN!!?" screamed the crowd.
"That is correcting foolish outside dwellers! It is I! Eric! Bauman!"
"What do you want?" I yelled to him.
"I only want one thing. To-"
"To destroy us and take over our website, yeah I've heard it from everyone." Said Donna. "Look, you can take our stupid website, and our entire staff. We don't even know why it's so important! But All we want is our god damn COKE!!" The Bauman's burst into laughter.
"You stubborn little Outside dweller girl! You shall not get any coke of any kind!"
"What is your problem?" asked one man from the crowd.
"I have a problem with the outside world! And that I can't do anything so that's why I steal everything! And that I have an extremely small P-"
"Okay seriously, you really need a girlfriend." Said Donna in disgust.
"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!! You shall feel the wrath of my jet!" There was a long pause. "Dad how do you fire heat seeking missiles?"
"Gee Eric, I don't know, there's a lot of buttons. I told you we should have bought the manual."
"And pay the extra 2.50? Do you think we are made of money? Lets just button mash until something happens!" I a few seconds, the jet soared over them at super sonic speeds!
"OH CRAP IT'S THE SONIC BOOST!!"
"DAD I CAN'T STOP IT!! BUTTON MASHING IS MAKING THIS THING GO FASTER!!" The jet was Screaming along the L.A. Skyline, heading straight for the Hollywood sign.
"I REGRET NOTHING!!"
"I REGRET WATCHING REIGN OF FIRE!!"
The jet pulverized the sign, exploding into a monstrous fireball of dirt and steel. Two police officers stationed on a road nearby surveyed the destruction and smoking remains the battlefield.
"Always on Mondays." One of them said.
WHAT WILL THE FIVESOME DO NEXT!!? WHO ELSE WILL STAND IN THEIR WAY!!? IS AREA 51 ACTUALLY A PRIVATE AIRPORT AND OFFICE COMPLEX!!? WERE YOU RECENTLY UBDUCTED AND ANAL PROBED!!? CALL 1-800-Analprobingsucks.
Kudos to Lookaway for his brief cameo appearance.
TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!
