The heroes piled out of the door. D.D's office led to… the Fox plaza helipad. And there he was, D.D, Clutching the coke they have spent vigorous amount of time trying to retrieve. Suddenly, I realized something.
"DOUG DOHRING!!?" I screamed in shock.
…
INTERMISSION!!
For those of you who have not heard of Doug Dohring, please stop reading this and type up his name on Wikipedia. I'm serious, don't continue reading and search him up! Do it!
Okay, once you've finished reading his whole page, you can continue reading.
…
"YES!!" Doug roared. "IT IS I!!"
"SO YOU ARE THE EVIL MENACE THAT IS D.D!!" Donna cried.
"YES!!"
…
"Ooooo…. Kay… Doug what do you want?"
"What do you mean?"
"Doug, you stole our coke. We want it back, but didn't you want to explain to us WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR PROBLEM!!?"
"Oooo… THAT!! You should know exactly what my problem is!"
"No we don't! All we know is that you sold our website to MTV!!" I spoke up.
"EXACTLY!! That is exactly why! You guys don't know what I've been going through! After I sold the site, the users started to do other things, like Wikipedia, video games, high school, holidays! But most of all Wikipedia!"
"What!?" What did Wikipedia do!?" Todd asked, defending the great website.
"Oh what did it do? IT DID A LOT!! People dug up juicy info on me after giving a private investigator ten dollars and a steak dinner. They posted it on Jerkipedia-"
"Oh that's mature"
"People began to realize who I was! A SCIENTOLOGIST!!"
"Oh, so this is because of some piss stupid belief." I said, somewhat relieved.
"NO its not! Christianity makes no sense!"
"Okay okay okay okay! Let's tally this up! Christianity is about a saint who died and came back to life as a zombie and told everyone if he ate his flesh and drank his blood their sins would be forgiven, while Scientology is about some alien overlord who hated other aliens and decided to kill them all with absolutely no resistance and dump their souls into a volcano where, once it erupted, their souls spread across the globe and possessed every single human being and told them to create religions, inventions, politics, wars and YEAH!! MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!"
"This is exactly why I broke down! Because everyone didn't understand!"
"WE UNDERSTAND!! IT'S JUST A STEAMING PILE OF CRAP!!
"With money going down, I could no longer silence people's opinions, it drove me mad! People were free to express their feelings toward Scientology and me!"
"Doug, hardly anyone even knows who you are and what you do."
"My madness consumed me, I had to get back at the very people who betrayed me, YOU!!"
"Us? Doug! We had nothing to do with MTV taking over the company!"
"YES YOU DID!! YOU DIDN'T FEND THEM OFF WITH LAWSUITS!!"
"Doug they gave us a generous offer, we needed the money and we couldn't let it down. And we were very happy afterwards! Until Adam mixed up the paychecks with Monopoly money." Donna Explained.
"Don't bring it up!"
"Adam, I only brought it up twice."
Doug cleared his throat.
"I soon learned that destroying the building would be too simple, and hacking into The pentagon to declare the Neopet's office a threat too national security was not Feng Shui."
"Wait, Hacking into the Pentagon is not Feng Shui, blowing up our building was too simple, but Stealing our precious coke and sending us on a marry goose chase all over L.A is a good idea?"
"Well… Yeah but-"
"Have you ever considered prank calling us?" Donna Asked, perplexed. "I mean COMEON!! This isn't even about the coke anymore-"
"IT'S ABOUT YOU-"
"Yeah fine! But what you don't see is how much people you have effect with this ridiculous masquerade of stupidity! What were you even trying to accomplish!? Countless innocent people have died because you got fired and people thought your religion was a big excuse for getting extra money!"
"I KILLED JACK THOMPSON FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!" Ben Screamed.
"Ben you're saying that like it's a bad thing." Trisha told Ben.
"Oh."
"It doesn't matter now! All those stupid celebrities! They were small fry! The coke was small fry! The president of china town! The incredibly stupid shootouts! The lack of police interference! ALL SMALL FRY!! YOU!! ARE THE BIG FRIED FISH!! YOU WILL ALL DIE TODAY!!"
…
"Fine." I said, accepting it. "Fine. Kill us."
"AND ANOTHER THING what the fudge?" Doug stopped in his tracks.
"Kill us. But what will you do next? You just blew up half of the city and the marines will not take kindly to your demands, if you have any. What will you gain from killing us? Yeah sure, we are all dead, but what will you do about the incoming force of America?"
…
"I never actually thought of that, but since this story parodies Anime, The cops are gonna take awhile due to the reaction time."
"Damn."
"It doesn't matter Donna!" I said, impatient. "Look! We've had a long day! If you give up now, we won't have to kick your ass as hard!"
"But I thought you told me to kill ya'll?"
"Like the cake, that was a lie. I would have thrown a knife at you. But seriously, you got us here just to chat, your worse than the girly side of Russell Crow who never comes out in public because Russell Crow is too awesome!"
"And gay." Snickered Arnold.
"SHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" Snapped Trisha.
"Oh I'll shoosh you leetile girl!"
"WHY MUST You… Okay I'm tired of arguing, GUARD!!" Doug shouted. A door opened not far from where the group stood, there, Tom Cruise came into the light. "You may have guns and a will to live, BUT I HAVE TOM CRUISE!!"
The group chuckled.
"Tom Cruise? You picked Tom Cruise? He sucks!" Giggled Donna.
"Of course he sucks!" Doug barked. "But his only true piece of art is… I HAVE THE FEW GOOD MEN SCRIPT!! DUN DUN DUUN!!"
"What?" I said, horrified. "Where… where did you get that?!"
"I have my ways. And I also know your… true gift…"
"My… my true gift?"
"Yes Adam! I know you are quite the Guitar Hero! And Tom Here has been practicing. And practicing, until there would be absolutely no point in practicing because by then the game would feel lame! TOM CRUISE IS NOW THE GUITAR HERO!! With the help of the Few good men script of course. And he's only good at it once the script is in range."
"Adam." Donna whispered. "This butt hole really has us in a pickle, I say we should just shoot him and end this all right now!"
"No Donna. I. Am. The Guitar Hero. We shall finish this with an acceptable ending instead of ruining this already awful story. We shall finish this with style. Now where's my guitar?"
WILL ADAM END THIS ALL? WILL TOM CRUISE GO CRAZY AGAIN? WILL ARNOLD GET ANY MORE LINES? HAVE I STOPPED BEING FUNNY?
TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!
Most likely next year, because School is almost over and I want to play outside in the new deep snow. Happy holidays everyone! And have a happy new year!
