Adam and Tom stood up as tall as they could with their guitars firmly in their hands.
"Now here are the rules!" Doug announced. "The player with the highest stars rating and the least mistakes WINS THE MATCH!! But we all know who that person is, Tom.
"Chuck Norris." Tom said.
"NO YOU IDIOT!! IT'S YOU!!"
"My name is Tom."
"Whatever. If it wasn't for that Few Good Men script I would have said That Britney spears sister's career had more life in it than yours."
"Thank you Mr. President."
"How deed that leetile Mon get out of high sckoo anyway?" Arnold asked, perplexed.
"This is California Arnold." Ben said.
"Oh yeah."
-Hate mail alert initiated-
"I can take you down anytime." I spat at Tom.
"You can take you down anytime." Tom spat back.
"Well then you… wait what?"
"Tom!" Howled Doug. "I command you to stop being so stupid! And if you were wondering Adam, The song you are playing to is "FreeBird". I know! I'm so evil!"
"Isn't that song, like, nine minutes long?" Trisha asked curiously.
"Exactly!"
"Huh," I huffed. "I can take it."
"ON EXPERT MODE!!"
I gasped, along with everyone else. Except for Tom because he can't get anything into his stupid skull that doesn't begin with "Money" or "Scientology".
"Expert mode!?"
"Yeah, ain't I just full of this evil?"
"No your not, your just a cartoon villain that hasn't accomplished anything but stealing our coke and wasting our time with this stupid plot. And I also see how you put up a storyline barrier to keep out the military and Special Forces so they won't interfere with the script."
"I am going to win." Chuckled Tom.
"No you're your not." I said.
"No your are."
"Well then… STOP DOING THAT!! STOP BEING SO STUPID!!"
"You… stop being so stupid… Scientology… peanut butter… Poutine… briefcases… pie… Monies… I'm going to win…. monies"
"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN!! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN PLAYED GUITAR HERO BEFORE!! IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT STUPID SCRIPT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE!!"
…
"Monies…"
"Damn, it's like talking to a special 6 year old boy after he just ate cake laced with Ritalin."
"LET THE GAME BEGIN!!" Doug cried.
Everything went smoothly for me, but with that script in hand, Tom was incredible, almost inhuman. He hit every key perfectly, he rocked like a true rocker, and he danced to the beat as perfectly as me like when I play DDR…
…
But that's another story…
"Oh no!" Donna whined. "Adam is doomed!"
"Not as doomed as us." Added Todd.
"What chu talkin bout Todd?"
"Look at the facts, Adam is the true Guitar hero, but Tom is also the guitar hero, even better with that script. But once they reach the bass boost halfway in, the awesomeness would be devastating."
"How devastating?"
"Once they reach the bass boost, the shockwave will travel all over the globe. Everything as far as Nevada will be wiped off the face of the earth!"
"WHAT!!?"
"The shockwave will create a wave MILES high! Earthquakes will destroy America and Canada, and everything on the coast will be annihilated! Australia, Japan, Indonesia, The Philippians, New Zealand and Hawaii will disappear under a massive wave-
"But this means the coke will be destroyed as well!"
"Yes, but-"
"WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!!"
"But Donna!" Interrupted Ben. "We can't interrupt TWO guitar heroes facing off! The blast will kill us all! And destroy the coke!"
"I've got an Idea." Trisha said.
"You do?"
"Yes, I thought it was stupid once I was watching War of The Worlds, I thought 'Wow, this movie is terrible, I must steal the script of this thing and change it so that I can rewrite it and turn it into a remake that is actually good." Trisha then pulled a long notebook out of her left boot. "I stole it just last week! But then forgot about it after that 24 marathon. I remembered it just now!"
"Good work Trisha!" Applauded Ben as he took the notebook. "But take a shower once everything is done. You smell like moldy pork rinds stuffed into a dead fish on a hot day."
"I don't smell that bad."
Todd ran to the edge of the helicopter landing pad with Slim Jims in hand. "HEY DOUG!!" Hey yelled. "SLIM JIMS!!"
Doug's ears perked. "Slim Jims?" He muttered. Todd then tossed a few Slim Jims over the railing and landing in separate locations across the gravel laden rooftop. "NOOOOOooooo!! THEY ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS SCIENTOLOGY AND MONEY!!" Doug vaulted over the railing and went for the bait. "NOW!!" Todd howled. Ben Jumped into the fray with the script in hand. He would have done it quickly but due to Tom's stupidity he just took his sweet time before switching the scripts. Suddenly, Tom's performance went from, in the words of my friend Dan, From "WOOT" to "BLEH!!" Tom was off-key, he was making mistake after mistake, and his incredible performance went from five stars to zero. I raged on, hitting every single note correctly once the bass boosted. It was almost like an eternity, but the song finally ended with one last guitar grind. I won. Tom fell to his knees. The heroes cheered. Doug was busy finding his Slim Jims. And Britney spears just suffered a stroke from all those checker's hamburgers. Donna squealed with delight and hugged me with all her might.
"Adam! I never knew winning a game of guitar hero could make you look so sexy!" She squeaked.
"I didn't know either." I admitted.
"Stop deevelopeeng a relatoonship you too!" Bellowed Arnold. "We need too geet that Coke!"
"What co- Oh yeah!" Me and Donna separated and bolted for the coke that was lying on the opposite side of the helipad. But then.
"NOBODY MOVE!!" Boomed Doug. They heroes turned, in his hands was a hefty grenade launcher. "Step away from the coke! NOW!!"
"Doug! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?" I screeched. "This is too far off script! Do you know what will happen once you go too far! TERRIBLE THING'S WILL HAPPEN TO US ALL!!"
"Bullcrap!"
"No Doug." Said Tom, calmly but with surprising intelligence. "Adam is right, you're going too far."
"I AM NOT GOING TOO FAR!!"
"Doug, Poot that leetile Mon gun down and listen too yoor common sense!"
"NO!!"
"Doug, for the love of humanity, if you do anything else, YOU'LL DOOM US ALL!!" Howled Trisha in terror.
"NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!"
"Doug! No! The higher powers will rain down hell!"
"F—K THE HIGHER POWERS!!" Swore Doug in anger. The heroes and Tom Gasped. The building started to shake, and the sky clogged with clouds and lighting.
"YOU DEMENTED FOOL!!" I screamed in terror. The clouds over Fox plaza shifted, beaming down a bright light that consumed the building. The clouds stopped moving, and the lighting stopped… doing what lightning usually does. Time itself has stopped outside the light.
"Doug." Boomed a voice from the sky. "Stop this foolishness now and surrender, which is how the script goes."
"I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD!!"
"I'm not god you silly little man. I am the writer." The heroes gasped. "Shut up."
"The writer?"
"Yeah the writer."
"YOU'RE NAME SUCKS!!"
"Okay now you're just insane Doug!" Barked Tom. The voice sighed.
"My name originates from my Neopet, who is a Kyrii. He always demanded sugar that looked suspiciously like cocaine almost all the time."
"Told you we should have taken out the sugar." Donna Whispered to me.
"But on a higher note, if you insult me again, I'll come down there."
"I don't believe in crackpot theories."
"Doug, stop it."
"NO!! YOU'RE JUST A STUPID CANADIAN WHO WROTE THE STORY WITH A FRIEND AT A CAMP!!"
"Doug. Last warning."
"DOUG!!" HEED HIS WARNING!!" Screeched Trisha.
"Yeah, heed my warning.
"SCREW YOU!! XENU SHALL EAT YOUR FACE!!"
There was an eerie silence.
"Oh you F—king didn't." The light intensified. The heroes shielded their faces. When the light died down. Three teenagers stood infront of Doug.
"Hello Doug." Spoke the teenager with the beanie.
"Are… are you the… writer?" FlippedoutKyrii Nodded. "But then… Who are those guys?"
"We are the executive producers."
"Those are my… No your not!"
"Yes we are!"
"No your not! You're just the Beta Readers!"
"We like to be called the executive producers."
"If I call you the executive producers will you shut up?"
"Yes."
"Fine, those are my Executive producers… Hey why are you pointing your stupid grenade launcher at us?" Doug has his grenade launcher fixed on the three.
"I may be a scientologist addicted to money and my beliefs, but I do know the sheer destruction I can cause by killing the higher powers!"
"DOUG NO!!" Tom screamed. "THAT'S EVEN WORSE THAN GOING OFF SCRIPT!! IF YOU KILL THE HIGHER POWERS ALL AT ONCE!! THE UNIVERSE WILL CEASE TO EXIST!!"
"What!?" Squeaked the heroes.
"Dude, aren't you overreacting a little?" Asked FlippedoutKyrii. "I mean, when you destroy the universe, what will you gain from it?" FlippedoutKyrii Stepped forward.
"DON'T MOVE!!" Roared Doug. I approached cautiously behind Doug.
"Doug, listen." I said. "Look…" During my pause Doug turned to me. "I'm sorry. I can understand how you turned all emo and hate society once you lost your job and everyone started picking on you due to your crackpot religion. I felt the same way when Half-life 2 was delayed. And I also felt the same way when pickles sat on The Guitar hero disk. But please, destroying the universe will not solve your problems. Because once you destroy the universe, what will happen to money? What will happen to scientology? What will happen to all the Slim Jims? If you put down that gun, you will get your job back, and the teasing will stop. I'm sure of it, just, for the love of guitar hero, put down the gun." Doug lowered the gun, before dropping it. But then started to clap.
"Why are you clapping?" Asked Todd.
"Finally!" Exclaimed Doug. "It took you thirteen freaking chapters to figure it out! It took you thirteen chapters and several months for you to figure out that teasing will hurt anyone, no matter what they do or what they believe or what they look like! Teasing hurts!"
"WHAT!!?" The heroes yelped.
"This whole stupid plot just lead up to that stupid lesson!?"
"Yeah, pretty much." Doug shrugged.
"Its okay guys." I said calmly. "Through many struggles, and much determination, we got what we have been searching for. Our coke. Now let's just go home and forget about this whole thing."
"Yeah!" Doug said. "But suddenly FlippedoutKyrii stabbed Doug in the back with a fondue fork." The three stared at Doug's body briefly.
"Well, this was the highlight of my day." He said. "Come on guys, let's go to Burger King." The three were surrounded by a bright light that beamed down from the heavens.
"I made my second cameo appearance!" Lookaway gleefully exclaimed. "HORAY!!" The three soon disappeared. Leaving the heroes and most of the viewers confused on what's going to happen next."
Well… That was an anti-climax.
TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!
