Roy Mustang and the Seven Dwarfs of PMS

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or any Disney related stories.

Prologue:

"Roy Mustang and the Seven Dwarfs of PMS?" asked Edward. "Who in the world is gonna read this crap?" he said as he scratched his head.

"Somebody reads this crap! Just look at all the reviews we're getting!" said kittypirate17 with her arms waving in the air.

"So who is playing what?" asked Alphonse.

kittypirate17 handed them a list of the characters, which reads like this:

Dwarfs:

Itchy: Lust

Bitchy: Envy

Bloated: Gluttony

Whiney: Wrath

Grumpy: Greed

Sleepy: Sloth

Crazy: Pride

Snow White: Roy Mustang

Evil Queen: Edward Elric/Alphonse Elric

The Prince: Riza Hawkeye

"Why am I Crazy?!" said Pride.

"Because you killed your own son who was only thinking of you, short stack!"

The other homunculi began to snicker while Pride turned red. "Who are you calling short stack?!"

"Honey, at least I not supposed to have a penis. If you were ever to come out of the closet and admit you are gay, please stay in. Your sense of fashion is horrible at best." kittypirate17 put bluntly.

"Why are there two people playing the evil queen?" asked Wrath

"Because Edward is way too short to do it alone."

"Will you stop calling me short already?!"

Story:

Snow White was a shy girl, who used to be a princess until the evil queen came, orphaned her, and took the throne for herself. Now she was a lowly servant girl who worked her hands to the bone everyday for not even a simple "thank you." She could easily kill the queen, but there would be retaliation from the guards. Therefore, she just did as she was told day in and day out. without resistance.

One day, the queen grew tired of her existence and had made plans to have her slain. She then ordered Snow White to go into the forest and pick berries for the night's pie. One of the queen's archers was positioned on the parapet overlooking the forest, and he obediently shot at Snow White. The first arrow landed at Snow White's feet, then as she ran, the grey frock she was in had been destroyed with the many holes the arrows created. With her feet worn out, her body on the brink of exhaustion, she searched for shelter from the bitter cold of the night.

She then stumbled upon a large cave, where she saw a campfire lit, and the scent of fresh meat being cooked. With her eyes almost shut, she ran into the cave and looked around to see sleeping bags full of little people. The large one had a piece of meat left on a stick in which she had used to cook it. She crept closer, closer until the meat was in arm's reach, and she gently lifted up the stick and pulled off the meat. She was about to put it in her mouth when the large one had woke up and had sprung on top of her, wrestling her for that shred of meat in her palm.

With all of the commotion going on, all but one of the little persons had been woken up, and they were not too happy about it. "Let Bloated eat her! Then we all can go back to sleep." said a green haired one.

"Bitchy! I'm hungry! Get me some food!' screamed the littlest one.

"Shut up, Whiney!" said the one with the sharpest teeth. "Or I will take all of the meat for myself!"

"That is not nice, Grumpy!" said the only female that was awake while she was scratching her behind.

"Someone go wake up Sleepy!" yelled the little man with the eye patch.

"But it would take forever to wake her up, Crazy!" said Whiney.

"I don't give a damn! Do it now!" yelled Crazy.

"I don't see the point of waking a lazy woman from her sleep," said Grumpy as he folded his arms "too troublesome if you ask me."

"Hey, I know what we can do to her that we would all enjoy!" said Bitchy with an evil grin.

"kittypirate17!" yelled Mustang.

"WHAT?!" said an annoyed kittypirate17.

"I know where exactly where this is going! Do not do it!" he yelled.

"Good I'm glad you know where this is going!"

"But Bitchy!" cried Whiney "We ran out of lube two weeks ago!

Snow White's face went as white as a ghost upon hearing this. What were those mongrels going to do with her beautiful virgin body? In the distance, she heard heavy paw clops. Excited, she looked to see Prince Riza appear with her hound, Black Hayate. "Unhand her, vile creatures!" he shouted as he sent the hound upon them. Envy had used his transformation powers to confuse the dog to think that he was truly his master.

"Envy! No using homunculus powers!" kittypirate17 said. "Bad Envy! No man sex for you! Bad!"

"Damn!" Envy cursed as he slammed his fist against the cave wall.

They had completely forgotten about Bloated and Snow White on the ground, and Snow White had bitten into the meat, which was poisoned by the evil queen as she watched from the magic mirror. Her breath slowed to a halt, eventually stopped altogether while she felt the coldness of death upon her. The dwarfs all looked in sorrow at Snow White, while the Prince rushed to her side to examine the blue corpse. A tear dropped from the side of the Prince's face, for even in death, she was the most beautiful creature that he had ever laid eyes upon. He leaned over to give her a stolen kiss, but then, a girl rushed in and dropped kicked the Prince in the face.

"Val?" asked kittypirate17. "What are you doing here?"

"I am protecting my man!" she declared proudly. "How could you do this to me kitty?" she asked as her eyes teared up.

"I thought you would like this paring. Please forgive me!" kittypirate17 got down and begged for forgiveness from her best friend, whom she loves dearly.

"Well, they are a cute paring. You are forgiven. Carry on." said Val.

"You kind of killed Riza with that drop kick. Wanna fill in for her?" asked kittypirate17.

"You know me like a book, don't you kitty?" said Val as she scratched kittypirate17's chin.

The Prince lowered his head as far as it would go. "I knew we were meant to be the first moment I saw you in the forest. Please, wake up and be my bride." he said as he tenderly kissed her icy lips. Soon, warmth came back to her body as she put her arms around his neck and they embraced. That very day, they were wed, and a curse was put upon Snow White by the evil queen, that fused together the dwarfs into her body. After they had twenty children, things were okay, however, once a month, the demon would come out.

"I had a hard day at work, honey." Proclaimed the Prince.

"Do you even know what happened at this house today?!" screamed Snow White. "You don't love me anymore!" she cried. "Those chicken wings are mine!" she said as she grabbed the bucket of KFC, with her family staring at her. "Are you saying I'm fat?!" she yelled. "Fine! I'm going to go to bed!" she stormed off. Halfway to the bedroom, she scratched herself, fell down, and went to sleep.

Epilogue:

"Well, that's a wrap! Thank you everyone!" said kittypirate17 as she was handing out a payment to people.

"No way." said Edward as he set the envelope on fire.

"Fine suit yourself." she said as she walked away.

"You know Full Metal, that money was real this time." said Mustang.

"Prove it." said Edward.

Mustang pulled out cash from his envelope and smirked. "You are so fucked now."

"Brother…" said Alphonse. "That had both of our payments in there. Start running!"