Beauty and the Beast
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with FMA or Disney
Prologue:
"Oh yay!" squealed Alphonse with delight. "We are doing my favorite Disney story!"
"I am excited too, Alphonse!" said kittypirate17 as she sat with a pen and paper in her hands. "I will cast you in the role of the beast. However, we need to make a slight adjustment to your costume." She walked around Alphonse sizing him up and deciding what to do.
"What kind of adjustment, kitty?" said Alphonse nervously.
"You do not look beastly enough. What I am going to have Edward do is use alchemy on you and fuse you with the chimera form of Nina and Alexander."
"No!" said Edward as he threw down the giant fan. "I am not using alchemy to fuse my brother with a chimera!"
"Did I tell you to stop fanning me?" said kittypirate17 as she shot him a look of disapproval. "If I remember correctly, you said that you would give me everybody's souls to not post those pictures of you and Alphonse."
"Thanks a lot for that, Edward." said Winry as she was walking past.
"I'll tell you what; you don't have to use alchemy on Alphonse if you don't want to. I will just put him in a machine that will temporarily put the two beings together." said kittypirate17
"Are there any side affects to this machine?" asked Alphonse.
"I don't know, it is still experimental."
"You are not putting my little brother in a machine that you don't know what it will do to him." said Edward.
"Compared to you, he's not so little." smirked kittypirate17. "By the way, I'm casting you as Belle."
"Another dress?" sighed Edward.
"Please step this way, Alphonse." said kittypirate17 as she led them to the machine. "Be very careful stepping in and out. Even the slightest bump can trigger something."
As Alphonse stepped inside, the door shut and lights were going off everywhere. "Activating fusion chamber." said kittypirate17 as she looked up at the machine. "Deactivating fusion chamber." she said as the egg timer went off with a ding.
The creature came forward, it had the looks of the Alexander/Nina chimera, but it was standing on two feet, with its arms hanging down. It had Alphonse's personality and childlike behavior.
"Wait, isn't this story condoning bestiality?" asked Edward as he looked at the array of dresses he would have to wear. "I mean that Belle and the Beast get a little nookie right?"
"Not until after the beast is turned back into the Prince." said kittypirate17 with a disgusted look. "I know I have a sick mind, but not that sick! I support PETA for crying out loud!"
Story:
Belle was an insightful girl, who loved books most of all and the animals that would come around her were never afraid of her. They were afraid of the "macho man" (or so he called himself), Gaston. With his velvety, green hair, his thin, soft lips, and rock hard abs.
"Are you fantasizing about me?" said Envy with a coy smile.
"Yes, now shut up and stick with the story." said kittypirate17, annoyed.
Gaston and Belle were to be wed, but only Gaston was truly in love. Belle was in utter loathing of the man. He was rude, obnoxious and most of all, he was always primping himself in the mirror. Talk about the metro sexual man.
Papa Hoho had become very ill, and required that Belle go up to the abandoned castle to search for medication for his constipation problems. "I swear, if I could only take a dump I could back myself into an old wardrobe."
"We have some hot pockets in the fridge! Eat those and you will be on the toilet for a week!"
"I need to crap, not die!" yelled Papa Hoho.
"The sooner you eat a hot pocket, the sooner I get my inheritance!" yelled back Belle.
"If you don't go to the castle, you won't get an inheritance!" Papa Hoho yelled.
"Fine!" yelled Belle as she packed some food for a trip.
The dark forest was quiet for this time of night. Belle sensed that she was being followed by an assailant, and she made a dash for the castle, which was only a few feet away. She found a hole in the walls that was big enough for her to crawl in, but the pursuer was not so lucky. Gluttony was stuck in the hole, and was struggling to get out. "Sucks to be you fatass!" said Belle as she flipped him the bird.
She walked along the corridor to find a candlestick and a small clock. She took them both and they sprung to life. The clock put his hand in his pocket and dug out pictures of his daughter. "Isn't she so adorable?!" he shoved the pictures in her face.
Then the candlestick said "Hey do you like my length, baby?" he blushed as she blushed too.
"Where is the master of this house?" she asked, trembling.
"I don't know, lets ask the clock where he is." said the candlestick
"I don't know where he is either. However, I know what time it is. Half past a monkey's ass, quarter to its balls."
"Why must you two be so vulgar?" asked Belle as she put her hands to her mouth.
"Well, the candlestick is really Roy Mustang and I am Maes Hughes. A magic spell that was cast upon this house by the witch, Izumi has turned the master and his servants into other things." said Roy.
"POTS! CHIP! COME OUT AND MEET THE LADY!" yelled Maes. In a minute, a small fat teapot and a teacup came hopping along, making clinking noises along the way.
"Mom? Alphonse when he was little?" asked Edward. "How is that even possible?"
"Oh the power of fan fiction my friend." said kittypirate17.
"Why do I look so bloated?!" asked Trisha.
"I needed to put you somewhere."
Then, the master of the house came charging in, with a wilting magnolia in his hands. "Who dares enter my domain?!" he howled.
"Belle of the village below." she shivered "I need laxatives stat!" she said as she remembered why she came here in the first place.
The magnolia was on its last petal when Gaston came out of nowhere riding Gluttony like a pony (get your minds out of the gutter). The beast launched itself at the intruder, knocking him off his horse and chomping down on his throat, killing him instantly. Then the beast began to swagger.
"Brother, I am not feeling well. I fell hot, and my no-no area is all sticky." Alphonse looked at Edward and began to drool and had a crazy look in his eyes. "Hold still brother, this will take some time." Alphonse lunged for his brother's skirt and tried to lift it up. The effects of the machine had worn off, but there was something in his system that was driving him wild.
The last magnolia petal fell, and the beast fell to the floor due to being shot with tranquilizer darts. Belle ran over to the beast and turned him on his back and mounted him to get a better look at him. He was in fact dead. "You saved my future back there." she wept as she leaned over to kiss him. When their lips touched, the beast began to glow pink and the servants began to glow pink, until the glowing stopped and they were human again. However, the prince did not wake up. Belle kissed him again, and they both were turned to stone to be forever kissing the love that was theirs.
The servants took a trip to Vegas where they had lost all of their master's fortune in bets, Papa Hoho was fed up with waiting for Belle to return, so he just ate the entire box of hot pockets and he had a heart attack on the toilet and died. The villagers had received the inheritance money and spent it on building a brothel for the local men.
Epilogue:
Edward tried to pull away from Alphonse, but his grip was so strong, he could not break free. "Alphonse! Let me go!" he heaved.
"But I love you, big brother!" he whined "I love the little big brother too!"
"What did you do to him that was in those tranqs?!" said Winry as she was eating popcorn while enjoying the show.
"Its amazing what a little Spanish fly can do to an alchemist. Coke?" she offered Winry as she passed it along.
