Jack and the Beanstalk

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA

Prologue:

"Oh joy." Said Edward as kittypirate17 entered the room. "So why the hell did it take you so long to update FMA Fairytales?"

"Called finals, dickweed." Hissed kittypirate17

"A bit pissy today, kitty?" said Roy with that smirk that annoyed and made her melt at the same time.

"Finals are stressful, especially if you're in college and working at a restaurant." Kittypirate17 cracked her back.

"I see. But that is no reason to take out your anger on us." Said Alphonse.

"It is when some little bitch didn't show up to work and you are the one stuck closing the god forsaken restaurant at 11 o'clock at night and then you got little pricks giving you shit in the morning."

"Well excuse me Princess." Said Edward coyly. Kittypirate17 hit him over the head with a Webster's Dictionary. "What was that for?!"

"Put that in your transmutation circle, bitch." She said as she popped Midol.

"So who's playing what?" said Winry. Kitty handed her the list.

Jack: Edward Elric

Giant: Scar

Jack's Mom: Trisha Elric

Jack's Cow: Alphonse Elric

Guy who sells Jack the magic beans: Roy Mustang

Special Guest: You will have to wait and see for yourselves bitches!

Story:

Jack's family was in ruins. His father left the family, his mother's on her death bed, and the only cow is extremely emaciated. Mother told Jack to take the cow into the market and sell it for something to eat. She also gave him some good advice on other things too.

"Now remember, Billy, playing poker is a lot like making love. It is best done on the table with the opposite gender."

"Is my mom okay, kitty? She is saying some weird things…" asked Edward.

"She is fine, just doped up on the morphine drip is all. It's best to play along with her."

"What ever you say, kitty." Said Edward as he led Alphonse across the lane to the market.

The market was buzzing with activity, people walking and talking to eachother and listening to the band play. Then a strange man wearing rags tapped Jack on the shoulder. "Hey kid, want some candy?" he asked.

The cow jumped up and began yelling "Stranger Danger!" and he bucked the man in the groin area. The man threw the candy at Jack as he limped away.

"Here, eat these and you will grow a few inches, shorty!"

"What did you call me?!" screamed Jack as he tried to run after him, but the cow stood in his way. "Move you dumb cow!" Instead the cow got up on its hind legs and she started squirting milk at him. "Eww! I hate milk!" screamed Jack as he moved out of the way of the flying milk.

"Then promise me that you will not pursue him!" said the cow.

"Okay, I promise." Said Jack reluctantly. "Let's take this candy back to mother and eat it." But the candy was not candy, but three small beans all blue. When they arrived back home, they saw their mother dead on the bed with nothing but her nightgown on.

Jack got so angry that he wasn't there to say goodbye upon his mother's death, that he threw the beans out of the window, and the cow had urinated on them a moment after they landed. The earth shook, and the ground cracked as the giant plant reached for the sky. The thorns on it were so big, that even Mustang was jealous of them. "I guess we have to climb it." Said Jack, forgetting about his dead mother completely. "Maybe there are riches beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe there is danger, maybe I will find something to bring mom back. But how am I going to get up there?" Just then Totosai the sausage vender came by on his flying demon cow.

"I will let you borrow my cow if you let me borrow yours." He told Jack.

"What are you going to do with mine?" Jack asked.

"Something I always wanted to do before I die." Snickered Old Man Totosai.

"Okay!" said Jack as he handed over the cow for the flying one.

"Wait! Don't go! He's going to violate me!" screamed the cow.

"Sucks to be you!" teased Jack as he and the flying cow ascended into the heavens. When they reached the top, they saw a giant castle in the clouds. They heard the giant's booming footsteps going here and there. They crawled closer for a better look, and they saw the scar on the giant's forehead and he stopped and smelled something.

"Fe fi fo fum! I smell the stink of a State Alchemist!" he loomed and he picked up the two and stared at them while he said "Look at what I have here. Fresh meat." His mouth watered and he flicked his tongue with glee. There were three things on the table beneath them. A goose that laid rotten eggs, and harp with broken strings, and a mirror that showed nothing but ugliness.

The cow flew out of the giant's hand and began circling his face, spraying sour milk into his eyes. The giant let go of Jack and he fell onto his knees while screaming about how the milk burns his eyes. While the giant was blinded, Jack climbed up onto the table and grabbed the three objects and ran outside back to the beanstalk and flew down on the cow.

The giant was rolling around in agony and accidentally fell onto the earth with a thud. That was the creation of the very first Sea World, and the giant was the main attraction and he renamed himself Shamoo. None of the objects bought Jack's mother back to life, instead the goose that laid the rotten eggs was used to lay eggs and then Jack would throw them at people. The harp with broken strings was used as fanny floss for the earthbound cow. The mirror that showed nothing but ugliness was the main attraction at the local freak show and it also sells the best trinkets in the gift shop.

After a few weeks of throwing the rotten eggs at people, Jack had been extremely bored and he thought of a new idea. Jack and the cow made a fortune selling the rotten eggs to the practical joke business, but when the goose died three years later, the businessmen stopped calling, Jack's mother's rotting carcass still not buried served as the main source of income by Jack dressing it up like a fairy and putting it on display in front of the house.

Epilogue:

"So what did Totosai do to you while I was up in the sky?" asked Edward.

"He did worse than violate me. He kept tipping me over!" cried Alphonse.

"Hey! My flying cow won't let me tip him!" screamed Totosai as he received his payment in the form of chocolate from kittypirate17. "He just flies away for a few days! Let an old man have some fun!"

A/N: I wrote this in the course of three days. I do not own InuYasha either.