An Alchemist Christmas Carol
Disclaimer: I don't own Christmas Carol or FMA
A/N: Ho yeah! I'm back babies!
Prologue:
"You aren't dead!" squealed Alfonse with delight as kittypirate17 walked into the room and plopped down on the couch with her laptop, typing in serene silence. She felt him embrace her and she stopped and smiled at him.
"Oh joy. The devil is back from Hell to deliver us to evil." Sighed Edward as he looked up from the newspaper with the headline reading Scar and Tsume Long Lost Brothers. "What punishment do you have for us this time Frauline?" he said sexily as he half closed his eyes and smiled deviously.
"Oh how well put. We are doing A Christmas Carol. Here is the cast list." She handed them a list which read: Peanuts, honey, bananas, condoms and bread. They looked at her disheveled hair and the bags under her eyes were larger than usual and she seemed rather lethargic and depressed. For the first time since he had met her, Edward actually felt sorry for her and comforted her.
"What's the matter?" he said rubbing her back.
"The reasons why I haven't updated this in a long time. A death in the family, the near death of my mother by stroke and the fact that she felt me so unimportant to tell me, that I found out from some bitch I don't even know that well." She grabbed a paper bag and began to breathe slowly. He collected herself together and said "But I am over all of that now." She dug through her bag and found the real list.
Characters:
Scrooge: Edward Elric
Scrooge's Sister: Alfonse
Ghost of Jacob Marley: Scar
Ghost of Christmas Past: Envy
Ghost of Christmas Present: Gluttony
Ghost of Christmas Future: Hughes
Tiny Tim: Wrath
Story:
Ebenezer Elric was busy running his alchemy business, so busy that he refused to give his workers the holiday off. He did not believe in God or celebrating someone's birthday that did not exist. The true meaning had been distorted in recent years, so that the corporate monkeys have the upper hand and material items became more important than those that make life worth living. He had lost the one most important to him years ago, and that was when he lost the little faith he had left after his mother had passed away.
Yes, his workers resented him for his actions, but if he had to suffer every holiday for years, then so will they. They could not quit or be fired from the job, because they were chosen for the job, and they had to stick with that job for life. Ebenezer did not like this treacherous lot, but he was stuck with them until they died. Or he died, which ever came first, probably would be him first, since his health was failing him fast. His skin was dangling off the bone, and it was rather ashen in color. He had to run his company like this because he had no children to take over.
He paid his employees lower than minimum wage, and OSHA was riding him like horny hamsters humping in the exercise wheel of the cage. All of the legal proceedings have been taking their toll on his health, and the public had been boycotting his products for ages, so eventually he had to shut down the factories, stop producing supplies meanwhile the workers had no way of surviving without government help.
One night, he was sitting alone in the house of his mother eating some soup when he heard clanking of what seemed to be chains. He looked around like a frightened meercat to see what the matter was. Through the wall of the library where he conducted his research in his youth with his friend and business partner Scar Marley, came his old friend's ghost with chains dangling to the ground. "Full Metal, you will be visited by three ghosts tonight to convince you to change your ways."
"Wait aren't you supposed to do it?" asked Edward as he took out the script and looked it over quickly. "Ah ha! Yes you are!"
Scar took off the ghost costume and said "kitty, I really wish I can do this, but my bro Tsume and I have a lot of catching up to do." He tossed the costume on the floor and walked out.
"Damn it." Said kitty as she was looking to recast the ghost, but decided to stick it the story as it was.
The Ghost of Christmas Past made his presence quite clear by jumping on Ebenezer's stomach while he was sleeping. "Rise and shine, ya old bastard!" He slapped Ebenezer's face until he woke up. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Grab my butt to go back in time!" Then Envy "accidentally" let one rip when Edwards hand went to grab his butt.
Edward's hand went up to his nose, but it was too late. The scent of butt was already up his nose making its way into his stomach, making it impossible to keep down the soup. When he was finished puking, he rose up and yelled at Envy "You nasty ass! That was gross! My hand was right there!"
Envy smirked and said "I'm sooooo sorry! Uh oh! Here comes round two!" He lifted his leg and pulled it back with his arm as a train whistle escaped his hiney. He smiled as if a big relief had been felt.
"You nasty ass!" Edward grabbed a gas mask and said "What the Hell did you eat?!"
"Beans, onions, eggs, broccoli and cauliflower. All washed down with a bottle of prune juice." He said proudly, counting the items on his fingers each time, and by the end of the list, he had soiled himself. "Okay, okay just take my hand and we will be on our way." Ebenezer had done that and he was at his mother's house with his sister, who was long since dead. He and Alfonse were playing on the snow covered ground when she had started gagging.
"That smell is awful!" she hurled up some meatloaf and green beans from dinner. Her eyes began to water and she ran to the part of the lake that had not yet frozen and stuck her head in.
"Alfonse! Come up for air you twit!" Young Ebenezer screamed as he pulled his sister's head out of the water and gave her unnecessary mouth to mouth. She pushed him off, and fell backward into the water. She was then taken by a polar bear and devoured for supper.
The older Ebenezer had The Ghost of Christmas Past by the collar and said "You are the one who killed my sister! You shall die!"
"How the Hell can you kill a ghost genius?!" he mocked as they were teleported back to the house.
Soon the second ghost came and the fat man said "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present! Now let me eat your wiener!" he lunged at Ebenezer, or rather past him and at Al who was eating a hot dog with mustard and pickles. Kitty had hit him on the head with a frying pan and he went back to the story.
"Grab this cheap Santa beard to go see the present of your employees!" he said as he smiled. Edward was a bit hesitant to do so.
"You won't throw up one me will you?" he said, timidly.
"No. Come on! I got a batch of cookies to eat when I get home!" Ebenezer took the beard and was transported to the office in the main factory. There his workers toiled endlessly and no shipments were being made. One was clearly sick, down with the fever and coughing up some mucus. "See this is what your employees look forward to every year, noting but sickness and poverty!" They were back at the house and the third ghost appeared to him with pictures of his daughter.
"Isn't she precious?! My little girl is gonna be Brigader General Hughes the second!" he beamed. "She's gonna have nine kids and make me the worlds happiest grandfather! I'm gonna spoil them rotten and even give them a little scare every now and then to keep them on their toes!"
"Okay, I'll change! Just shut up already!" said Ebenezer, but then he grabbed his heart and died of a heart attack. The workers were released and got paid workman's compensation and now live in the mother's house. Tiny Wrath came in and said "Excuse me, everyone." And blew a hole in the house.
Epilogue:
"Here's your payments along with a Christmas bonus! Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Feliz Navidad, Happy Kwanza and all that jazz to my readers!" waved kittypirate17 at her audience. She then left in a hurry to go do something. Edward accepted the envelope and opened it. It didn't seem like it had been tampered with, and there was extra money in it for the bonus. Along with a letter: Merry Christmas to my cast, and this time it is real money. Enjoy the holidays and Happy New Year. Love always, kittypirate17.
