The Three Little Kittens
Disclaimer: I do not own FMA
A/N: I declare January 23 Fanfiction Writer Appreciation Day!
Prologue:
For the first time in months, kittypirate17 was smiling from ear to ear. "Good news all! We are doing The Three Little Kittens nursery rhyme today! Isn't that great?" She bear hugged Alphonse and Edward hard so the couldn't breathe. "Oh sorry!" she said as she let go of them. "I'm in a great mood since my last update!"
Edward and Alphonse rubbed their necks and sighed "At least you are not manic depressive." Suggested Edward. "Hey thanks for actually paying us last time." He smiled.
She smiled back and said "Hey it was Christmas! I couldn't do anything with out feeling bad about it." She had cast her gaze downward and added "I am so sorry for all those horrible things that I made you do with no pay." She actually got down on her hands and knees and begged for forgiveness. Edward and Alphonse looked at each other and Alphonse bent down to lift her chin.
"No need to bow to us. We are fictional characters and you are a real person who hides behind a username. Fanfiction writers give fictional characters a purpose after the book or show ends." Edward picks her up off the ground and they both swarm her with hugs.
"Thank you." She said as she dusted herself off and dug into her bag and got out the cast list for the story. It reads:
Kitten #1: Young Edward
Kitten#2: Young Alphonse
Kitten#3: Young Winry
Mother Cat: Riza Hawkeye
Special Guest???
"Let us begin!" said kittypirate17
"And how do you suppose that the Young us will come to be?" said a confused Winry from the corner of the room. She had been there for only a few minutes and had not seen what had been going on with the boys and the writer.
"How good of you to ask!" said kittypirate17 as she took out a hose filled with water from the Fountain of Youth and sprayed them from head to toe. They all shrunk to chibi form and they had lost their ability to speak properly. What I mean by that is that they could not speak without adding "w" sounds where "r" sounds should be. Also, where "t" sounds should be, the "d" sounds came out. "L" sounds came out as "w" sounds. However, they still thought like adults and they still had the hormones raging just as if they were still teenagers.
Winry's little eyes were wide and her face was red with anger. "You widdle bitch!" she waddled over to kittypirate17 and kicked her in the shins. Kittypirate17 felt the blows with much pain, but she took them in silence.
Story:
The three little kittens looked frantically for their mittens all around the house. They checked their drawers, their closets, under the furniture, on the refrigerator, on the couch, in the file cabinets, in the office. Kitten#1 flipped over the furniture while Kitten#2 got down on his hands and knees to look in the small spaces where his siblings could not go. Kitten#3 took off to the basement. Soon, Mother Cat was finished cleaning the laundry and she asked her kittens "Kittens, what troubles you so?"
The three little kittens stood in a line and their six eyes were filled with tears that just would not fall. "Oh Moder dear, see here see here, our middens we have wost." The three little kittens were trembling.
Mother Cat looked at her kittens with a straight face and said "Lost your mittens? You naughty kittens." She had gotten a devious smile on her face as she cocked the military standard issue handgun with one hand and the trigger finger in the shooting position. "Now you will have to die!" she cackled and took aim.
Then, Seras Victoria appeared and preformed a police style submission maneuver. She had locked Riza's hands behind her head and placed her right arm around Riza's neck and used her free hand to stabilize Riza's hands so that she would not be able to break the hold so easily. "Master is not going to like this, Kitty." She said speaking of her master Alucard in a fearful tone.
"Not to worry, Miss Victoria. I asked Sir Integra if I could borrow you for a while. She agreed on the condition that I would not kill you off." The writer had assured her that she would not kill off the draculina. "You are here to help me keep order and when you complete your mission I will return you in better shape than you came to me."
"Right." She smiled and then turned her attention to Riza. "You are not going to attempt anything like THAT again. Do you understand me, Miss Hawkeye?"
Riza struggled and grunted "Very well." Seras had released her grip and Riza struggled to regain her composure. "Lost your mittens? You naughty kittens. Now you can't have any pie."
The shaken kittens had hung their heads low and said quivering "Meow, meow, meow, meow, now we can't have any pie." They marched into their mother's room and sat on the bed. Kitten #1 had noticed that this was the only room in the house that they had not checked and he motioned the others to look around. Kitten #2 had looked in the closet, Kitten #3 had looked in the drawers and Kitten #1 looked by the telephone in the room.
Kitten #3 had first found her mother's panty drawer, only to find seven pairs of panties. She had found some things called "pads" and "tampons" next to the panties. No mittens there, so she looked through the other drawers. She picked up the small plastic tube that had a switch. She turned it on and it began rapidly vibrating. She looked at the writing it had written on it and said it aloud "Pocket Wocket." Winry cringed as she saw her pair of mittens directly under the Pocket Rocket.
Kitten #2 had thrown all of his mother's clothes onto the bed, and in the very back of the closet, he had found a medium sized box. He had it in both hands and read the writing aloud to his siblings. "Infwatable Woy Musdang. Bwow him up and he will bwing fandasies come twue." He spared them the details, when he read where you had to blow up the inflatable man at. Underneath the inflatable man, was his pair of gloves, and he looked at them with disgust. He reluctantly picked them up with his thumb and pointer finger and put them on.
Kitten #1 had found his mittens directly on the table next to the phone, and inside of them he found a piece of paper that had an unknown number on it. He picked up the phone and dialed the number to see what it was. Edward was surprised to hear his father's voice on the other line say in a provocative tone of voice "I am wearing a leopard print man thong, and the leopard is up and rising."
"DAD?!" shouted Edward into the telephone.
"EDWARD?!" shouted Hoenheim on the other side of the line "What are you doing calling a talk dirty number?!" he demanded.
"What are you doing working for a talk dirty number?!" he shot back.
"Never mind me! You are grounded young man!"
"Damn you Old Man!"
The three little kittens had marched out of her room with traumatized looks and chanted in unison "Oh Moder dear see here see here, our mittens we have found." They showed the mittens on their hands.
Mother Cat beamed and smiled a wide smile and said "You found your mittens, you good little kittens, now you may have some pie." She had sliced off some pie for her kittens and placed them in front of the salivating kittens.
They dug into the pie with their mittens and when they were done they looked at the mittens with despair. "Oh Moder dear see here see here, our middens we have soiled."
"Soiled your mittens? You naughty kittens. Now you may not go out and play." She said.
"Meow, meow, meow, meow, now we can't go out and play." They walked out to the back yard and saw an old fashioned wash bucket with a wash comb. They all looked at each other and smiled as they thought of the same idea. They all ran to the bucket and started washing their mittens. Kitten #2 had reached to the very bottom of the bucket and pulled up a T-shirt that had been forgotten by their mother. It had something written on it that made the children even more traumatized. It reads: Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me. So pull me up and tie me down and tell me how you like me.
They quickly finished washing their mittens and rung them out on the lawn. They ran into the house where they found their mother. "Oh Moder dear see here see here our mittens we have washed." They presented their newly clean mittens to their mother.
"Washed your mittens, you good little kittens, you may go out and play." She sighed with relief and waved with exhaustion. She flopped down on the couch and went straight to sleep.
"Yay! Now we can go out and play!" they all said in unison and ran out the door to the local park.
Epilogue:
"Well that was fun!" said Alphonse as he and Edward exchanged noogies. "Now how do we get back to teenagers?"
"Like this!" said kittypirate17 as she pushed them into a pool filled with normal water. Edward and Winry grabbed a hold of her arms and pulled her into the pool with them. When they all came up for air, they were all laughing. Seras was waiting on the edge for kittypirate17 to swim up to her. "You did a great job! Thank you so much!"
"It was no problem at all!" she said "I will be sure to give your thanks to Sir Integra too!" she said as she boarded the helicopter piloted by Walter. They took off and the four were left alone in the pool.
"Your payments are in my pants in my room on the bed. I will go and get them." She lifted herself out of the pool and ran up the stairs and got the money. She came back down and said "Here you go…" but nobody was there, and water stains were all over the floor with a note that read: You do not need to pay us. We only ask for your kindness and friendship. Love always, Ed, Al, and Winry.
