Note: This chapter is more conversation and less action. A change of pace if you will. I have read all the comments with nail biting anxiety and wanted to thank you all for taking the time not only to read and follow but to leave feedback. You are all so nice! Thank you! I can't please everyone, I couldn't if I tried but I do hope there is something for everyone in this story. At the very least you have given me encouragement to keep going and a few story ideas for future fic's.
Previously:
"She has lost a lot of blood. Her pulse is weak and her breathing is shallow. You need to decide if you want to kill me or if you want to save her…" She glared at Felicity's three protectors; raising her crossbow at them she dared them to make their move.
Helena pushed Felicity forward and stepped back. Oliver caught Felicity before she hit the ground.
He had caught her just in time. She fell limp in his arms. Clinging to the edge of consciousness, she had a clouded view of Death Stroke's mask. Her hair fell around her getting in her way as she looked down at him. There were only glimpses of moments after that. She thinks she told Oliver to call Caitlin, she knows she thought it as she stared at the body lying beneath her. She remembers Oliver turning her around and the look in his eyes, so much pain. She wanted to touch his face and smooth away his frown. She remembers darkness taking her and then nothing, just dead calm.
She didn't know it but she had been asleep for just over 27 hours. When she woke up she was a little disorientated. She looked around and felt a sudden spell of Déjà vu, she was back in the hospital. She closed her heavy eyes again and was startled when a voice called her name.
"Felicity?" said Digg
She turned her head and found her friend sitting in a big armchair. He moved closer and took her hand giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Hey" he smiled.
"Digg" her voice almost a whisper
"You're safe. We are at the hospital" his steady voice bringing her out of her foggy head.
"Thank you" she managed to say a little louder
"For what?" he frowned.
"For being here" she felt safer than she had in a long while. Uncomfortably she shifted her weight and moved her body to face him.
"Always" he said.
She smiled but as her eyes wondered around the room searching, they were alone, she couldn't help but wonder why Oliver wasn't there. Automatically tried to rationalize that he had a lot to do and he would know she was ok with Digg by her side.
"He will be back in a minute, I suspect Laurel is bashing his ear about Sara leaving. He didn't want you to wake up to that." Digg explained pointing his thumb towards the door. She followed his hand to the open door and then looked back him, resting her head back on the pillow.
She didn't say anything and just took a moment to look at Digg. He smiled and was about to say something when she spoke again.
"Sorry …what happened to Sara?" she asked confused
"She felt it was time to leave… is the official story. She and Oliver had a huge fight is what really happened. It was only a matter of time, he was dating his post island female equivalent." He said leaning in quietly.
Felicity frowned. That was all he needed this week a broken heart. She wasn't surprised, she liked Sara, She was a friend but they were toxic together. They tried to be happy but all their memories were shrouded with darkness. "How is he?"
"He is …worried about you." Digg sighed heavily "We all have been"
"It's been one of those weeks" she tried to lift the veil of anxiety that weighed on her friend.
"Do you know how hard it is to find you….without you?" he chuckled.
"I won't lie; it's nice to know you two still need me." She smiled, her smile quickly dropped as she propped her head off the pillow "Helena?' she asked as she rubbed her stiff neck.
"She got away, do you know where she might have gone?" asked Digg eying her carefully waiting for her reaction.
"No, I don't." she glanced at him and looked away. She really didn't know where she was but a pang of guilt hit her as she found herself happy of the news that she got away. It wasn't long ago that she would have happily air punched at news of The Huntress's capture.
"What is it?" asked Digg, sensing the internal dialogue.
"Nothing…it's just I feel sorry for her. I got a little insight you know, to where all her grrrr comes from" she tried to explain.
"You might have gotten a glimpse at the girl she once was, but now she is a killer. She has kidnapped you enough times to prove her villain status, right?" Digg joked and squeezed her hand. Only he wasn't joking and was genuinely concerned.
"Right" she said quietly her eyes flickered away from him and then back directly at him "You know she said some things that rationally… I know are not true…" she narrowed her eyes as she twisted the edge of the bed sheet absentmindedly.
Digg frowned "When someone goes through what you have been through, you are allowed to feel a little confused." It dawned on Digg that Helena would have tried to sever her bond with Oliver to get her onside. "Helena is incredibly cunning …What feels true?" asked Digg
She looked at him for a moment and realised what he was asking. She thought about it and couldn't quite explain it but she tried. "Do you remember that day that I first met Helena? Oliver told me to get out of the lair?"
"Yes he didn't want you anywhere near her." He nodded, then he lowered his head a little…"What about it?" he enquired.
"Helena said someone like The Arrow was smart enough to know not to scream out my name because he would know someone like her would be able to find me..." She twisted her mouth to one side. She was holding back a little bit of hurt. "Obviously I told her that she was being ridiculous" she laughed "Right? I mean she is nuts… pfft he did save me. Why would he risk putting me in danger to then only take the time to come to my rescue...right?"
It burned Digg that Helena worked on Felicity while she was at her most vulnerable, "She is cunning." he muttered. "A seed of doubt is all it takes to weaken any army."
She nodded. Of course he was right. She knew he was right.
"The Count" offered Digg after a beat.
"He saved me from The Count, yes. I know what you are saying. I know he cares about me." She smiled "I know it" she said again.
"He killed The Count for you" said Digg looking at her pointedly.
She nodded but looked away…Digg tilted his head, seeing her struggle with a thought.
"What is it..?" he pushed.
"Nothing... I don't know why I am feeling like this. Is this normal?" A tear escaped and she wiped it quickly away.
"Hey" he said now very concerned for her, he didn't know if he should call the nurse and alert everyone that she was awake or give Oliver a chance to come in before all the caos.
"I feel like a have a mini Helena on my shoulder egging me on. 'What if the real reason he killed The Count and not the other super creeps was because The Count had made the Queen-Arrow connection? The Count would surely expose him…Maybe that was his real motivation not just the syringe to my neck' Ah I hate this..." Her hands shook and she clasped them together forcing them to stop.
"Felicity, I don't think you really doubt Oliver or his willingness to protect you. I think the events of this week has caused you doubt yourself and what you do or don't mean to him. I can't help you with that but I can tell you what I see. I see a man willing to move heaven and earth, damning anyone in his way to keep you safe; there is no other version of this because it's the truth." Digg spoke to her calmly and honestly. "You know that" he poked her arm.
She smiled and thought about his words, she squeezed his hand and thanked him "How do you always know exactly what to say? I thought I was the team genius"
"You are ma'am, I am just a black driver and part-time body guard" he joked. Felicity chuckled and then winced closing her eyes for a moment.
"You're awake"
Digg and Felicity turned to the doorway and found Oliver walking in, his hands in his pockets. He looked pale but relieved.
"Digg is catching me up on Days of Our Lives" she said with a small sympathetic smile.
Oliver shot a look over to Digg. He didn't want her to worry about him or Sara right now.
"She was wondering where you were." Said Digg
"I didn't …." She said in protest
"You didn't have to" Digg interrupted her "I am going to let Lyla and Roy know you woke up. They are going to be relieved to hear it." Said Digg. He squeezed her hand and bent down leaving her with a heartfelt kiss on her forehead.
"Thanks Digg" she said again clasping his hand tightly
"You know, we should be thanking you… Felicity Smoak saved the day" he winked at her and left the room.
Oliver took his seat and looked at her. "Hey" he said quietly. "Hey" she returned.
"Are you ok?" she asked
"I am not the one in the hospital bed." He felt his chest tighten and his voice struggled
"I am fine Oliver. See…" she smiled at him "I am alive…a little sore, probably going to have to cash in some of those sick days. How long do I have to stay? Can I go home today? Because if I can't I am going to need my tablet and …" Her ramble came to a halt when he squeezed her hand and kissed it.
She exhaled and nodded "I am ok now you are here….you and Digg of course."
"Has the nurse been in?" asked Oliver
She shook her head.
"I should go get someone so they can make sure you are ok." He placed his hand on the side of her face wanting to confirm she was there, that she was breathing, and she was safe. He briefly closed his eyes when he felt her warm breath on his wrist and quietly murmured "I was so worried."
She closed her eyes as his thumb caressed her cheek but then she raised her hand and covered his hand pulling it down and holding on to it tightly.
"Oh God, I haven't even asked about Slade. Is he …" she couldn't get the last word out.
"Alive? Yes, thanks to you. He is peacefully sleeping off his anger in a cryogenic chamber" he smiled.
"Yes" She did a small air punch and lent back into the pillow with a wide smile on her face.
"I'll be right back" he said standing up.
"No, stay, considering the way I feel, I am going to guess that they will have plenty of time to poke and prod me later. I …I haven't seen you in a while. Can't you…" she didn't finish her sentence but her eyes said the rest.
He nodded and sat back down. If she wanted him to stay, he would stay. Right now she could ask him for anything and he was pretty sure he would give it to her.
"I think Slade will be ok." She said abruptly. He looked at her and frowned.
"Which is a good thing right?" she asked sounding a little confused.
Oliver shook his head.
"Er..Why are you shaking your head, it's not a good thing?" she pushed
"Yes…No…I just can't believe you sometimes. You're amazing. After everything he did, the way he hurt you. You are in a hospital bed … concerned for him? He doesn't deserve your kindness."
"Oliver you are making me sound like Mother Teresa. I am not, I really couldn't care about Slade Wilson per say, I mean if he were here I would seriously want to …to punch him really really hard" she said
Oliver smiled and shook his head again remaining silent.
"…but if he died.." she continued "…then he would have taken yet another part of you, that island would have continued to hurt you…. and you don't deserve that."
Oliver eyes were like a glimpse into his soul. He had been in the hallway when his friends were talking. He had heard her doubt his feelings for her and that was on him. He had worked hard on keeping those closest to him at a safe distance, but to what avail?
"Felicity the reason Digg and I mentioned your name to Isabel in the first place is because it's true. The only weakness I have is you. That is not a reflection of your abilities. You have proved to be the strongest one of all of us, but it is a direct reflection on how you make me feel."
I make him feel weak? She thought.
"Oliver.."
"Let me get this out before I can't" he swallowed hard. " I need you to know what you mean to me because it's my fault that you don't, it's my fault that Helena could make you doubt what we have as a team." His eyes shone bluer than she had ever seen them as he fought to regain his composure.
"Oliver, this wasn't your fault." She said firmly.
"Partly at least … yes it was, if I had been more honest with you, I wouldn't have left room for doubt. Digg thinks its Helena who planted doubt in your mind but he is wrong. It wasn't Helena or Isabel or even Slade, they played a part but it was me who failed you." His eyes full of remorse, full of guilt. "Every missed opportunity to let you know, I should have made sure you knew… that you mean the world to me"
"The world..?" she whispered through quirked up lips. That was certainly a step up from being just his partner in crime-fighting. "Clarify the world" she narrowed her eyes knowing she was pushing her luck but really wanting him to say it …say the words that would mean the world to her.
Oliver smiled again, amused as she nudged him for more.
"What I mean is that I …" he started to tell her how he truly felt. To admit to feelings he had never allowed himself to think about much less say out loud. They were three words he easily abused with other people but if he were to apply them to her…it would mean his beginning and his end.
Of course the Nurse chose that very moment to enter the room so he stopped mid-sentence bitting his lips together as if to seal in what was almost spoken.
"Noooo this is not happening, get out, get out!" said Felicity almost panicked.
The nurse halted, blinking nervously looking for the source of her anxiety. "Is everything ok Miss Smoak?"
"Please I just need a few more minutes with Mr Queen, please. Then I am all yours. Please just leave." said Felicity urgently.
Oliver tried not to laugh but he couldn't hide the massive grin that erupted at the sight of her shooing the startled nurse away. She smiled back at him and then placing her head back on the pillow she asked him to continue.
"You were saying…"
"I was saying… I was trying to tell you that by the world I mean everything. You are everything to me. I rather they cut off my right arm than let anything happen to you."
She smiled at him. It wasn't what she was hoping for but it was more than he had ever dared admitted to. The sad thing was that she knew he wasn't lying, but she could see in heart that he was still holding back.
Her eyes spoke to him; she could never hide anything from him. Not what it came to her feelings, he knew what she felt for him.
"Felicity, I …I can't give you more than that, I can't because I care about you more than that."
She let out a small chuckle and stopped herself from rolling her eyes. "Oliver I think what you are trying to say is that you love me." She said it so easily.
He blinked and remained quiet. Not owning up to these feelings but certainly not about to lie to her about them.
"I think you need to know that I am not afraid. I am made of more than pink lipstick and killer heels…well that's obvious, I mean you know I am a genius and I did just kick ass like no other…" she rattled on…
Oliver smiled and raised his eyebrows at her cockiness.
"and by I kicked ass, I mean you and Digg… ok and Sara and Roy but you know what I mean. I helped"
"We helped you, not the other way around. You were amazing" he said softly.
"I surprised myself, I am stronger than even I give myself credit for and perhaps that is why you feel you need to protect me so much."
"No..." Oliver tried to explain but she wouldn't have it.
"Yes, I know you think that if you ever were to admit how you feel….and I can say this now because Digg told me about you and Sara, sorry about that by the way." She paused only for a moment searching for confirmation in his eyes and when she found it she continued "You are afraid that something will happen to me. An absurd theory by the way, Digg and I are around you all the time, so we are already in constant danger. "
"Felicity, how would it be fair on you to put you in any more danger than you already are in? After everything that happened these last few days...I have died a thousand deaths. Can you imagine when people find out that I am in love with you? Everyone who has ever wanted to hurt me would come after you." He said shaking his head as fear suddenly crept through him. He thought of all of the monsters out there, Slade was just the tip of the iceberg. His recent nightmares consisted of watching helplessly through a monitor as Slade knocked her about. What was he thinking? Keeping her at arms distance was the right thing to do, it was the single least selfish thing he had ever found the strength to do.
In amongst it he had said it, he was in love with her, her heart nearly stopped. But she recognised that closed off look now fixed across his face, he was raising walls, thinking of all the pain his feelings would expose her to. She would have to convince him to take the risk, "Why does the world have to know we are together?"
He narrowed his eyes as she tore him away from his dark thoughts. "What do you mean?"
"Why do we have to announce it to the world? We are good at keeping secrets…well for the most part we are" she giggled.
He caught on to her implying what he already knew to be true – too many people know their secret.
"Felicity you deserve a real relationship, someone safe." His throat suddenly dried as he started to feel ill, he knew that he had to let her down... again.
"No don't do that, The Arrow is a way for Oliver Queen to right wrongs and to fight for the people of Starling City. People don't know that you are The Arrow but that doesn't make The Arrow any less real. You hide who you are for the good of others. We can hide our relationship for the sake of each other; it wouldn't make it any less real to me, as long as you and I know, that's all that matters. Starling City needs you to be The Arrow and I need…I just need you." Her voice faltered as she desperately tried to get through to him. It wasn't her style to put it all on the line, he had drawn the line and toed it and she had met him there only to now to have him step back, no.
For a short while he stared at her giving nothing away as he processed her words. He saw the moment her eyes finally dropped, when she realised he had already decided he wasn't going to go there with her. He felt a profound hollowness when she pulled her hand away from his. She muttered something before reaching over to find the nurses buzzer.
He remained silent and saw another tear race down her cheek as she turned from him trying to hide her face. She was trying to hide her pain, pain he caused trying to guard her from pain? The absurdity of the situation now painfully obvious. She was right, as always. Without her he was nothing but the remains of a man who was once lost on an island. Somehow he made her happy, what more could he want for?
"I love you" he said softly.
She stilled and slowly turned her head around. Eyes wide and her heart in her throat she asked "Did you just…?"
