AN: The song mentioned in this chapter is "Inertia Creeps" by Massive Attack, in case anyone is curious.
Also, special guest from last chapter was Tensa Zangetsu (Ichigo's bankai persona)!
Ichigo has been seeing Ishida for nearly three months when he suddenly realizes something awful: he has a crush on his psychiatrist. No, more accurately he is obsessed with him. You're only a stalker if you're obsessed, right? Yeah, then he is obsessed with Ishida. Why else would he have blown off a night hanging out with the friends he doesn't see often enough to lurk outside of Ishida's office building, waiting for him to emerge two hours after his last appointment ended?
Ichigo knows this is nuts. He has never stalked anyone before—that he is aware of—and he knows this is so bad. It started with a conversation with Chad, who figured it out just by listening to the way Ichigo talked about him. Smiling with memories of the things Ishida has said. Expressing excitement at the prospect of their next session. Musing aloud what he's like outside of work. Of course Chad would encourage him to go find out.
So instead of asking the guy to hang out some time—Ishida would have to refuse due to stupid rules anyway—Ichigo crouches behind a prickly shrub and waits for the man to come out at long last. Ishida carries a briefcase in one hand and uses the other to wrap a brown scarf around his neck as he descends the stairs. Ichigo trails him in the deeper shadows of the building's jutting cornice as he makes his way down to the parking garage. He watches Ishida store his case in the trunk before unlocking his door with the button on his keychain.
Reaching for the handle, Ishida is startled when the voice of a man calls out across the deserted space. Ichigo follows his line of sight and spots a rough-looking man with swooping teal hair and a feral grin. His hands rest innocuously in his tight jeans pockets as he pads slowly over to Ishida.
"What are you doing here, Grimmjaw?" Ishida demands with the strict tone he has had to use on Ichigo a couple of times. "I told you never to come to my workplace."
"Well, you weren't takin' my calls, so what'd you expect?"
"I expect you to take the 'hint' and leave me alone. I believe I made it perfectly clear where we stand now."
The man scoffs and raises his chin insolently as he stares down at Ishida. Ichigo tenses when Ishida's posture changes to defensiveness as this Grimmjaw guy crowds into his personal bubble. He's so ready to eschew stealth if it looks like Ishida can't handle this psycho on his own. The man reaches for Ishida and Ichigo prepares to jump out. Then, with an almost casual combination of quick movements, Ishida has the man sprawling on the oily concrete before him. Grimmjaw gives a shocked cough and snickers where he lies.
"And I made it clear," he grits as he picks himself up, "That you ain't the one who decides where we stand."
Fast as a panther's pounce and with similar force, he pins Ishida to his car and—
Ichigo's brain stutters a bit because the two of them are kissing…hardcore. Teeth and tongues and it is so energetic that Ichigo can hear it from a dozen meters away. Most surprising of all, Ishida is kissing back. Not pushing him away or just playing along, but really participating. The kiss only lasts about a minute before Ishida is breaking away, though. Both men are breathing hard, glaring with a mix of arousal and annoyance.
"There's the goodbye kiss you asked for."
"Nah, I asked for a goodbye fuck on my studio floor."
"Do I need to put you back in your place?" Ishida growls.
Grimmjaw laughs loud and challenging, but Ichigo can detect the side-effect of Ishida's warning because Ichigo felt it, too. If he had any doubt after talking with Chad, it's gone now. Ichigo's brain is buzzing pleasantly, intoxicated by the thought of Ishida speaking to him like that. Looking at him like that. Maybe with less resentment and more lust, but yeah. The notion that Ishida is apparently into guys runs energetic laps around his head.
"Just like one of your criminals?" Grimmjaw croons in a mockery of yearning as he steps closer. Ichigo feels a jolt of offense at the designation. "Teach me how to be a good boy again, Uryuu-sensei!"
"I told you not to call me that," he hisses back, narrowing his eyes. "You lost that right when you chose your addictions over me. Now get the fuck out of my way, Grimmjaw."
With that, he yanks open his door and gets into his car, immediately driving off. Grimmjaw scowls but doesn't attempt a chase.
Frozen, Ichigo watches them for a few seconds. That was the first curse word he's ever heard from Ishida's mouth. The first time he has considered that his shrink might also occasionally lose his temper and get rude. Then he bolts for his own car parked on the street. He almost changes his mind about tracking Ishida tonight. If he gets caught after that little scene, there's no way Ishida will forgive him! Yet, curiosity compels him and Ichigo puts his car into gear just in time to catch Ishida turning a corner. He focuses on staying as far behind as possible to avoid detection.
Shame and an overwhelming sense of foolishness twist his insides but Ichigo knows it can't be helped. Whenever he gets an urge this strong and tries to fight it, he always ends up acting on it later anyway. Usually in a much worse way than he ever intends. The last thing he wants is to do anything that would upset Ishida. The man can accept so many things about Ichigo's eccentric personality but even Ishida must have limits. Points that, once reached, would make it unfeasible for him to continue treating Ichigo. He doesn't want to think about that possibility.
Instead, he analyzes the motivations behind his fascination. Ichigo rarely shows real interest in people. As far as dating, his partners have mostly been men and women who sought him with persistence, rather than Ichigo reaching out to them. And look how those have turned out. It's not that he hadn't developed feelings towards any of them, though. It's more that the ones he did have were never as strong as they should have been. Part of the issue is his depression, which fluctuates over the years but never fully disappears. Another reason is that Ichigo never felt understood; always secretly believed that if people knew the 'real him' they would run screaming.
Then there is Ishida. Someone who has treated him with respect and accepted him in every possible way. No matter what instances of sabotage, violence, or idiocy Ichigo has related to his therapist, Ishida never shows him an ounce of contempt. He has never been reproachful in any significant sense. Flexible and intelligent, he works together with Ichigo to make progress in repairing his mental health. They have genuine discussions and listen to each other when they speak. Ishida treats him like the peer that he is, as he deserves. Whereas almost all of Ichigo's previous experiences with therapists have either been one disapproving parent or terrified peon after another.
More than any of that, however, Ishida is an intriguing person on his own. As per the psychiatrists' rule book—or whatever crap they have to follow like a bible—Ishida doesn't like to reveal personal facts if he can help it. But Ichigo has gotten very good at getting him to let things slip without realizing until it's too late. Things about his family life or his childhood. What kinds of foods he likes and how he takes his tea. Places he has visited and countries he would still like to see. Ichigo savors all of these hard-won snippets of information. He has been all along without noticing what it meant because he has never really felt this before. Rukia was as close as he got and…that turned out to be a disaster.
He is snapped out of his thoughts as he sees Ishida's brake lights flare and pull into a driveway leading to another parking garage. Ichigo keeps driving a block up the road. They are in a classy apartment complex of well-managed lofts. The sidewalk Ichigo steps out onto is clean and free of cracks. Glancing to the street reveals it to be in a similar condition. Skateboarding would be a piece of cake in this neighborhood.
Ichigo passes wrought-iron fences and healthy foliage as he makes his surreptitious way down towards the door Ishida unlocks with practiced precision. He waits behind a convenient tree until he hears it close again. Then Ichigo looks around to make sure no one sees him slip into the small alley between structures. The first window he comes across is covered with blinds and pale blue curtains. The next one has a tiny gap lifted at the bottom corner, revealing a neat dining room furnished with a dark wooden table set. A white cloth drapes under two glass candle holders bearing green votives. The only other piece of decoration is a circular area rug patterned in muted gold, brown, and beige.
Moving on, he avoids the patio area and backdoor in favor of a window beaming dim frosted light onto the trimmed grass below its slightly parted pane. Ichigo crouches and peeks through the spotless glass. Inside he can see Ishida has removed his outerwear and set his briefcase on a table by the door. His psychiatrist is swiping at a tablet plugged into an impressive stereo system bordering his television. Soon the smooth, shaking bass of a band Ichigo recognizes as Massive Attack begins to reverberate through the cavernous loft.
The living room is outfitted comparably with Ishida's office: dominated by cool colors with the accessory effects of glass and mirrors to cast reflections and scatterings of light. The floors are covered in a dark wood matched by most of the furniture's accents. Ishida sits on a wide black leather couch and puts the TV on silent for a program about deep sea creatures. He disappears for a handful of minutes before returning in a casual change of clothes. Then Ichigo must duck out of sight because Ishida passes his window to enter the kitchen.
Ichigo has to move to the opposite end of the casing to see a narrow sliver of the room. He watches Ishida pout at his empty cabinets and dismally-stocked refrigerator. Marveling at the fact that Ishida can be absent-minded about some things after all, Ichigo huffs a soundless laugh as the man shrugs and pull out a half-full twenty-pound bag of rice and a packet of fish filets. Ishida absently hums along to the whispery lyrics as he sets up his stove to cook. Water set to boil, he grabs a wine glass and pours a modest amount of cabernet to sip as he waits.
The music permeates the place even to the kitchen, where Ishida begins to tap a toe to the beat. Then his head joins in, dipping and swaying to the measured strains. Ishida's hips get into it, just a bit at first, but soon he is setting down his glass to follow the rhythm properly. Arms flow gracefully to complement the sinuous motion of his torso. Feet shuffle side to side in accord with his shoulders. Blue eyes close and Ichigo goes still. His breath comes shallow and awed as he watches Ishida succumb to the indelible lull of this seductive music.
Ichigo pictures him in a nightclub. Straight-laced, controlled, proper Ishida moving like this amidst the invigorating crush of churning bodies. Imagines what that body would feel like flexing against him. He wonders how Ishida's scent would change with the spices of sweat and desire. Pictures the way he might look at Ichigo in that moment. Drunk on the promise of later and everything they could give to each other. Everything they could mean to each other.
He nearly has a heart attack when a fuzzy brownish object appears on the sill before him. Ichigo gasps and covers his mouth in alarm. It's only a cat come to inspect his unfamiliar smell wafting in through the window. But then it meows at him. Ishida is still dancing in his kitchen, thankfully oblivious to his guard-cat's discovery. Ichigo shoos the cat with a vague gesture. It peers at him with benevolent green eyes and gives another friendly mewl.
"Go away," he whispers to it. "Go. Shoo."
Bored, the animal does leave after a minute. Ishida is back at the stove adding ingredients to the prepared appliance. Ichigo inwardly groans at this inevitable turn of events. He would gladly watch Ishida dance all night if he could. Several minutes later, he has finished his drink and poured another. His finished food is set on the table and Ishida faces the ocean show as he eats, back to his window. He is close enough that Ichigo can smell the humble meal, hear the soft sips of wine, and practically feel warmth from the lit candles seeping into his skin.
"What do you want, Nel?" Ishida affectionately asks his cat. "You know you can't have people-food."
The fuzzball is slinking back and forth against his legs under the table, nuzzling for attention. It answers him with an earnest declaration and Ishida giggles when his lowered hand is fervently pushed into. He scratches the cat's tufted ears and pets all the way down to the tip of its arching tail. Ichigo hears the pleased rumble of its insistent purr.
In this moment of intimate contentment, Ichigo becomes aware of a line of thought murmuring in the back of his mind. It tells him that Ishida is everything he has never thought to look for in a partner but knows he needs. It says there probably isn't anyone better suited to Ichigo in the entire world. Adamant, this stern voice proclaims that Ishida is his soul mate. Ichigo can't exactly argue with that assertion, however much it frightens him. Indulging in a bit of creepy curiosity is one thing, but choosing to pursue someone who is firmly off-limits is totally moronic. It's a doomed endeavor which can only bring him pain.
Yet, watching Ishida's innocent display of love strikes something deep within Ichigo. Something so pure and resonant that he can't even pretend to deny it. Floundering in this revelation, Ichigo runs.
Yuzu calls him later that night. She wants to tell him all about her new job and how her husband is thinking of buying a new car. How they're talking about when they want to have kids. Of course Ichigo is happy for her. He listens to the levity in her voice and it is heartening. Ichigo tells her he is doing well and that their father is the same as usual and that he heard from Karin last week. They say they love each other before they hang up.
Then Ichigo sighs, scrubbing hands over his face, and drops his phone carelessly to the floor with a thudding protest. His body tilts and collapses to his unmade bed. He stares at the insides of his eyelids and listens to the ragged sounds of his own breathing.
There are good days and bad days. Ichigo is sure that is how it will always be. Admittedly, he hasn't felt this low in a while. Since he started counseling with Ishida he has had a much more stable mental state. Less peaks and valleys and more smooth-sailing like normal people. Ichigo can't say he's cured, but he feels a lot closer to sanity and steadfastness than ever before.
Right now it's not so much the shifting turmoil of his personal demons which flay him from the inside out that are making him miserable. No, this time it is the fact that Ichigo is pretty sure he is falling hard. For someone who is legally and professionally bound to keep as much emotional distance between them as humanly possible. And Ichigo knows there is no way around it. Ishida dropped off his list of potential boyfriends the instant he put Ichigo on his list of patients. Even if he got a new doctor, no amount of time after their sessions stopped would make it okay. He knows that, but.
But he can't help imagining it. Wishing for it.
A knock at the door interrupts his brooding. With effort, Ichigo pulls himself off the mattress and pads across his floor to answer it. Chad looks solemnly at him, one eye hidden behind a curly, slanting wall of hair. Of all Ichigo's friends, Chad always seems to sense when he needs a pick-me-up.
"How did it go?"
"Horrible."
Ichigo frowns and steps aside to let the taller man into his small apartment. Chad sits at his usual spot on the short couch. He grabs a couple of beers from the fridge before joining him.
"You don't like him?"
"The opposite," he shakes his head and take a hearty swig of alcohol. Chad eyes him as he takes a sip from his bottle. "It was awful, Chad! Ishida was wearing this cute little scarf that I think he knitted himself—he let slip that he does stuff like that for fun sometimes. I almost had to jump on this guy who cornered him in the parking lot. But then they started making out and Ishida got all pissed off. I think it was his ex."
"Is he all right?"
"Yeah, he's fine. Turns out Ishida can fucking take care of himself," Ichigo assures with impressed eyebrows. "Knocked a guy with a good four inches on him right on his ass in a blink. Then he told him off and drove away."
"You followed him."
"He lives in a really fancy apartment in the nicer part of town. His place is decorated just like his office, too. You'd think he was this really pretentious, bland sort of person but…Chad, he was listening to trip hop and drinking wine. Dancing in his kitchen and singing along with his eyes shut like he was going on a journey in his own head, you know?"
"Hmm."
"And he has this cat."
"Oh, no…"
"Yeah," Ichigo laughs. Chad knows all about his absurd weak spot for animals. It's why he wasn't surprised when Ichigo told him why he'd recently been arrested. "He was so sweet to the little fluff-ball. Talking to her and scratching her ears…"
He trails off because that same undeniable feeling comes thundering back in his chest at the memory. His hands start to shake from it. Ichigo wraps them around the thick glass of his bottle and takes a slow breath.
"What are you going to do?"
"What the hell can I do?"
"There might be a loophole—"
"There isn't. I spent over an hour looking for one on the internet as soon as I got back. Ishida can never date a patient, current or past, without jeopardizing his license. He'll never risk it and I wouldn't want him to." Letting heavy lids fall closed, Ichigo feels resignation settle around his shoulders like a leaden jacket. "That's assuming he'd even be interested in a freak like me in the first place."
"Ichigo, you're not—"
"Anyway, I know you didn't just stop by to hear me whine about boy-problems. Did you come to see if I'd be up for Keigo's birthday tonight?"
"Mn…" he tersely agrees.
Ichigo can tell Chad wants to give him one of his patent encouraging talks, but he doesn't think he can handle it tonight. He'd rather put it all out of his mind and pretend it's not happening. This weekend will be enough time to solidify his resolve to kill off his feelings for Ishida before their next session. Right now Ichigo wants to go out with four of his best male friends and get crazy drunk and forget all about Ishida Uryuu. So that's exactly what he does.
"Oooooh," someone howls low and scandalously. "He said what?"
"The fuck is your problem?"
Ichigo has been in this bar countless times with his group. It's not necessarily their 'usual' but it's close. Lately another crowd has been frequenting the joint. Some guys named Aizen and Ichimaru and Tousen. The last guy mostly keeps quiet, but the other two like to start shit every now and then. This time they've decided to pick on Chad. Ichigo is not having it.
"I said wha's a big ole 'spic doin' in my fav'rite bar?" yammers Ichimaru. The only soft-spoken redneck with silver hair and skinny jeans that Ichigo has ever seen. "We don' 'ppreciate that sorta trash bein' shoved in our faces."
"You some kind of biased prick?" Ichigo yells right back at him. "You don't know the first thing about us, asshole!"
"Maybe you should think about where you are," advises Aizen.
"Think about the fact that my fist seems to want to meet your face, jackass!"
"Ichigo, stop," Keigo and Mizuiro say at the same time. They have seen what can happen when he loses his temper.
"It's okay, Ichigo," Chad anxiously tells him. "Let's go somewhere else."
"Nah, I'm not gonna be chased out of here because some ignorant dick-bags feel like they own the place."
"Haven' ya heard, kid?" Ichimaru hisses, intruding into his space. "We do own tha place now. So take yer stank-ass fucktard friends and beat it, Blondie."
Blood pools heavily in his skull and Ichigo feels a familiar tug of insatiable aggression swarming up to bracket his peripheral vision. Hands curl into fists and a sinister urge swims up from within. He stops caring that his friends are worried. That he could get arrested again. That his family will be disappointed once more. Ichigo wants to put these arrogant jerks in their place and make sure they never have the balls to talk about Chad like that ever again. He wants to see their fear when they realize that they can't beat him. Wants to put eager muscles to use and break. Ichigo wants to shake their hold on reality to the point that they question everything they know about themselves.
Ishida's face pops into his head then. He tells Ichigo to take a deep breath. That it's okay to be angry but that he doesn't need to act on it. Reminds Ichigo to think about why he is feeling this way and what he can do to make it bearable. Months of listening to Ishida—trusting him implicitly—pays off and Ichigo's heart rate begins to normalize. Chad's hand rests on his shoulder and Ichigo turns towards it, lets his friends pull him out of this quicksand before he drowns in it. Ishida's words of sanguine approval block out the parting taunts aimed at Ichigo's back.
Outside, adrenaline tremors through his bones but he feels good. That is the first time Ichigo reached a certain line and managed not to cross it. Thanks to hard work and Ishida's guidance, he has made serious progress in conflict management. He is bolstered by empowering confidence. Ichigo shrugs and flashes his friends a reassuring smile as they pretend not to glance incredulously at him. One by one, they return it.
