This chapter is even longer than I thought it would be. I debated just adding the last part here but considering it will probably be at least another 2,000 words, I decided to break the chapters into two. So just one more chapter to go…. 'The Squab & The Quail' are still being used for this chapter.

Disclaimer: If I owned Castle, NONE of the stuff I use for this chapter would have happened. NONE of it!


Kate had a lot of time to think about things because apparently she was giving Castle the silent treatment. It was driving her crazy. Not just because she couldn't say what she wanted to but because it was an extreme overreaction to Castle acting like any guy did, at least every once in a while, once he felt secure in a relationship. And Kate wanted him to feel secure in their relationship. She had no intention of going anywhere and the last thing she wanted was for her actions to make it seem like he was just one mistake away from her emotionally kicking him in the teeth in her scramble to get as far away from him as she could.

Castle had fallen silent himself by the time he went to go call a cab. Kate had almost requested some personal time off. Or, she had thought about it, at least. She wasn't sure how far this inability to control her words and actions went. But she had quickly dismissed the idea. Just because she couldn't talk to Castle didn't necessarily mean she couldn't talk to Lanie. Or the boys. Or, if there was no other alternative, Captain Gates.

Yes, she was getting that desperate.

Kate didn't like being out of control. But that had to do with her interactions with the people around her and the circumstances she found herself in. It had never occurred to her to worry about not being able to control herself.

It faintly reminded Kate of when she got shot, that inability to move or speak, and triggered a wave of anxiety. She'd had a pretty good grip on her PTSD this last year but this might be enough to push her over the edge.

And she may not be able to do anything about it. Or let anyone know that something was wrong. She couldn't now; why would having a panic attack change that?

Although Castle had been able to startle her out of her ridiculous attempt at seduction the night before. Maybe extreme emotion was what it would take to snap her out of whatever this was….


Really? She was getting upset because he didn't have her on his list? How ridiculous was all of this going to get? Because a person never had people they actually knew on that sort of thing. That was the whole point. She hadn't had Castle on her list, either. Well, after she met him. Before that, he had been the first one she thought of when she'd overheard Ryan and Esposito talking about their own lists. Now that she thought about it, that had only been a couple months before she met Castle.

Erik Vaughn had been on her list, too. At number five. Behind George Lucas, Joe Torres, the baseball player Castle had introduced her to, and the Queen of England.

Kate inwardly cringed when she made the 'Things you notice when you're paying attention' comment. It was almost as bad as the blatant way she was checking out the billionaire inventor.

And why was she doing that? The only thing the man had on Castle was that he made five times as much money as Castle did.

So he was cute. Sort of. Honestly, Castle was light years ahead of him in that department.

And he had an accent. If she was going to drool over any British accent, it would have been the one belonging to Inspector Colin Hunt.

Kate had to admit the guy was brilliant, and she did admire that. But no more than she admired Castle's intellect. It may not have been in the same areas, but what Castle was competent in-building theory, getting into the mind of a killer, basic human nature-were what mattered to her more than any business savvy.

Most importantly of all, there was just something off about Erik Vaughn. Kate couldn't put her finger on it, but the man made her uneasy, and not in a good way.

Not that Castle would be able to pick up on any of that.

When Lanie called them down to the morgue, Kate tried to tell her friend the peculiar side effects she was dealing with. But as it had with Castle, her mouth remained firmly closed.

Until Lanie started gushing about Vaughn.

"See Castle? He's on everybody's list," she said.

Stop talking, Kate! Just please stop talking! Kate silently ordered herself.

"Yes, yes, he's quite impressive," Castle said, his tone showing that he was poking fun at their gushing over the other man.

"And handsome," Kate added.

Seriously? Just SHUT UP!

Of course Kate's stern internal dialogue continued to have no external impact.

"And don't forget rich," Lanie said. "And that accent!"

"Oh, I know!"

"All right!" The last word ended on a squeak and Castle quickly cleared his throat before saying, "I admit, all right, just as lesser men inspire to be me, he's who the ME's of the world aspire to be."

Oh, Castle.

Kate wished she could just stop! It was like she was determined to do whatever she could to hurt Castle. But what he didn't know, because she couldn't tell him, was that his pain was hurting her, too.

Kate realized that she was right about Vaughn when she and Castle were in Gates office a short time later.

"Beckett's going to the Fairwyck hotel," the other woman informed them.

"What's at the Fairwyck?" Castle asked Kate.

Kate had a sneaking suspicion she knew.

"Erik Vaughn," Gates said. "As long as we have a killer running around, I need him somewhere safe. So he booked the presidential suite and from now until the time we catch whoever's behind all this, you're staying there with him. "

"In the presidential suite?" Castle gave Kate a pointed look.

Thankful, and somewhat amazed that she was able to do so, Kate said, "Sir, are you serious? You want me to babysit this guy?"

"He's insisting," Gates replied. "Apparently, you made quite an impression."

Kate knew that no matter what she said, her boss was not going to change her mind. In some ways it reminded her of when she was forced to allow Castle to shadow her. What was it with guys thinking they could buy their way into her bed?

Although she knew such thoughts weren't fair to Castle. He hadn't gone nearly as far as Vaughn had already. Other than following her for inspiration for Nikki Heat, Castle had, for the most part, respected her decision to not be with him. They'd been together on the job for almost three years before they shared a hotel suite, and despite the temptation of the situation, he'd done nothing more than harmless flirting, and relatively mild flirting at that. And he had been in love with her by then, and she with him. Not that either of them knew how the other felt at the time.

"You know, it's one thing to follow him around," Castle said after they were out of Gates office, him sitting in his chair and she standing by her desk, "but quite another to be shaking up with him."

Okay, that was not fair. Even without whatever weird thing she was dealing with that kept her making bad choices in her interactions with Castle, she would have had to agree to this. Professionally, she didn't have a choice. Couldn't he see that?

"Castle, I am not shacking up with him." For whatever reason Kate was able to say what she was really thinking. It was a refreshing change but she didn't hold too high a hope that it would last. "I'm just doing my job."

"Right."

Kate's eyes narrowed in irritation. "You don't trust me."

How could he not trust her? After everything they'd been through together, how could he possibly think-

Her stomach twisted in revulsion as she realized. Based on her outward actions of the last few hours, he might have reason to distrust her. And if Vaughn did push things, would she be able to say no? Not because she was tempted, but because of this strange inability to control herself that she'd been dealing with for the last few days.

Kate forced herself to push those thoughts out of her mind. She couldn't deal with horrible 'what ifs' on top of everything else.

"Oh, of course I trust you," Castle said, his tone belying his words.

"No, you don't." Whatever her recent actions may have told him, it still hurt that he wouldn't trust her. "That's what this is all about. Otherwise this wouldn't be an issue."

Vaughn arrived before Castle could reply.

Kate tried to reason with Vaughn, to convince him that she would be able to help him more if she could work on catching his killer. Naturally, it didn't work. The man just listed her professional credentials and asked her if she knew how 'remarkable' she was.

She wasn't amazing. She was extraordinary.

And yes, she did know.

Kate would have ground her teeth together in frustration if she could have when she wasn't able to respond. Whatever he saw on her face made Vaughn asked in soft surprise, "You don't, do you?"

Maybe Vaughn did manipulate events for her to be the one to be his personal bodyguard because he thought she was the best person for the job. But Kate still had her doubts that it was his only reason.

Her doubts were justified when they were in the suite a little over an hour later.

When he asked if she was with Castle, Kate was relieved when she was able to confirm that she was. With the way things had been going lately, she may have been forced to lie.

"Is it serious?" Vaughn asked next.

YES!

The word was shouted in her head but it took her a moment to get the word out and it had a hesitance in it that she knew shouldn't have been there. While it was true that she still occasionally struggled with insecurities where her relationship with Castle was concerned, whether or not they were 'serious' was no longer an issue. Truthfully, it hadn't been an issue since she hung from that rooftop almost a year ago now, wanting nothing more than Castle. In many ways, even long before that. So long ago, in fact, that she wasn't sure when she realized how serious he was about her. Possibly when he told her he loved her while she was bleeding out from a gunshot wound. As for Kate, any doubts about wanting to be with Castle, when she was ready, were gone before she left her dad's cabin and returned to New York.

"But the truth is you don't really know," Vaughn said, taking first one step towards her, then another. "Otherwise you wouldn't have hesitated."

No, she hesitated because she couldn't get her stupid mouth cooperate and say the word as adamantly as she shouted it in her head.

"No, it's just-we've never really talked about it that's all," she admitted.

Kate wanted to scream. So they never talked about it. So what? She was more of a woman of action, anyway. Just because she'd only recently told Castle she loved him didn't mean that the feelings were new. She'd known she loved Castle since he'd kissed her so they could save Ryan and Esposito from a trained killer. And she'd suspected that she was falling in love with him months before that, when she'd decided to take a chance and accept his offer to spend the weekend with him in the Hamptons. Her suspicions had been strong enough to break up with Tom Demming, who had been a great guy. But when she'd known she wanted to spend the weekend with Castle more than she wanted to go away with Tom, she had ended it.

And that was only the tip of the iceberg of what they hadn't talked about. Not talking about it didn't mean squat, not with them.

Although once she regained full control of her words and actions, she decided that they were going to work on that. These insecurities and assumptions, justifiable or not, had to stop.

"Why not?" Vaughn asked.

That was a good question. She just wasn't sure she had a good answer.

"Just haven't," was all she could say.

"Then he's a fool."

"No." If he was, then so was she. And maybe they were. But she knew that wasn't what Vaughn meant. "It's just-it's complicated."

"Kate, there's nothing complicated about meeting a woman like you, knowing what to do."

That didn't sound good.

If she could have, Kate would have shoved him, backed away, yelled at him, something. But as he leaned towards her all she could do was lean towards him in return.

Nausea hit her stomach and bile rose to choke her. Maybe she would be able to throw up in his face. That would certainly stop him. And it would make a great story to tell Castle. Maybe it would make up for the terrible way she had been acting lately.

Feeling his lips on hers was one of the worst sensations she had ever experienced. Not only did it feel horribly wrong, but it broke her heart that she might not be able to stop herself from cheating on Castle.

Come on, come on, throw up already!

But although the nausea still rolled in her stomach and bile was caught in her throat, that was where it stayed.

Kate wanted to weep with relief when she was able to let out a soft, "No," and make a weak attempt to push him away. She would have preferred to scream at him to get away from her, even though she would never act like that under normal circumstances, and shove him hard enough that it would send him flying halfway across the room. But she would take what she could get.

When she heard the shot-why hadn't she thought to board up the windows?-she tackled him to the ground, only feeling a small twinge of guilt at her relief.

Her relief intensified when Castle showed up only minutes after CSU.

Until Ryan's first question for her official statement. "Where were you standing when the first shot came?"

Kate reluctantly walked over to spot. "Um, it was right over here."

"Okay," Ryan said and made a note in his small tablet. "And where was Vaughn?"

The question she had been dreading. Since she hadn't thrown up all over the guy, Kate had hoped Castle wouldn't need to find out. At least, not until things returned to normal.

"Right there," Kate pointed.

"Right," Ryan walked over to where she pointed, giving a start at how close they were, "here."

"Why was he standing so close?" Castle asked. "I don't understand. If he was standing right there," Castle followed the trajectory of the bullet, "the bullet would have went right through his head. How did he miss?"

Kate debated admitting it. But now really didn't feel like the right time.

"Before the first shot, Vaughn stumbled."

Castle didn't buy it. "Stumbled? Kids and old people stumble. How did he stumble?"

"I don't know." Kate shrugged. "He just did."

Please, just let it go, Castle. For now, for me, please.

At least Ryan wasn't questioning it.

"So…he ate the wrong entrée, and avoided being poisoned. And then he stumbled at just the right moment to avoid being shot by an assassin." He pondered it for a moment before saying, "No one is that lucky. What's going on here, Kate?"

Nope, he wasn't going to let it go. And she couldn't entirely blame him. She just wished they did have to do this now, when she wasn't sure what she would be able to say and when she would be forced to clam up.

"He kissed me. Okay, Castle?"

Kate hated the expression on Castle's face. Was he mad at her, or at Vaughn? He had a right to be mad at her, considering how it looked. If she could just explain! She never would have let Vaughn get that close if she'd been able to stop it. The whole thing had made her sick.

Literally.

After Ryan made a less than graceful exit to give them a moment alone, Kate tried once again to tell him what was really going on. It didn't work.

She was going to have to tell him. Just enough to make things look really, really bad. So much worse than they actually were.

"Look, I'm not going to lie to you." Any more than I've already tried to. "We were talking about you, we were talking about relationships-" Things I should have been talking to you about. "And he kissed me." She decided to not tell him how much she was forced to participate. There was no reason to make things even worse. "But it didn't mean anything." Yeah, less than nothing. "At least not to me."

Kate was a little surprised she could say this much. Did that mean that whatever kept her form saying and doing what she wanted to was weakening?

She could only hope.

"Well, if he kissed you, why wouldn't you just push him away?"

Kate just gave him her 'Are you kidding me?' look and waited for him to put the pieces together.

It didn't take long.

"Oh." Castle looked down to where she had indicated Vaughn had been standing and back up at her. "Which is why he's not dead."

Yeah. Vaughn. The case.

That's when it occurred to her. Whatever was going on, it hadn't affected her ability to do her job. Instead, it seemed to be focused on one goal: Destroying her relationship with Castle.