Three months after Kurosaki's little disappearing act, Uryuu still has his letter, though he has read it enough times to memorize the cursed thing a thousand times over. He keeps it folded up inside his disused copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, where no one will ever bother looking. Slipping it out now, Uryuu resolves to incinerate it as a symbol of his intention to move on. He might be a little drunk right now—after a long evening spending too much money at a bar—but he figures he'll feel the same way in the morning anyway.
"Is that it?" Orihime breathlessly asks, walking up behind him. "Kurosaki-kun's letter…"
"Mn."
"Can I read it?"
"Sure," he laughs, a fickle, angry sound. "No, actually, I'll read it to you."
"You don't have to—"
"'Dear Uryuu'," he begins in a mockery of the man's lower register. "'I can't apologize enough for letting you wake up alone after what we had that night. You showed me something truly beautiful and I repaid you by running like a coward. Truth is I'm not ready for this. All my relationships have been shallow at best, or meaningless at worst. You deserve better than me. Please don't look for me. Goodbye, Ichigo'."
"Oh, Uryuu..."
He had managed aloof and apathetic throughout. Right up until he hears the piteous waver in her voice. Uryuu flounders in the tide of that familiar heartbreak and lets her hold him as he gasps, struggling against the pain in his chest.
"I loved him," he admits aloud for the first time, whispering into her fragrant auburn hair. "I loved him."
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"That idiot!" Uryuu pulls away to meet her eyes as he says, "It's all bullshit. He fled to protect me. Because that's what he does. It's who he is and I should've seen it coming."
"It's not your fault Kurosaki-kun left," Orihime insists for the nth time.
"No. It's my fault he thought he had to leave for my sake. His family must hate me."
"They don't blame you, either."
"You know the funny thing about it? He was so worried about hurting those men who attacked him, but it turns out one was an abusive serial rapist and the other peddled hard drugs to teenagers all across the city—and probably worse things the police were never able to connect to him. Even if they had died instead of just sustaining serious injuries and minor disabling complications, no sane judge would have convicted him. There's a reason no one has dragged him back for a trial!"
Orihime stays quiet for a while. She, like everyone else in town, knows all about it from the news stations and apps. It was a pretty big story. Although the 'victims' provided an identity, no warrants were ever issued for Kurosaki's arrest. His family wasn't even questioned. Most of the articles openly declared him a hero for punishing criminals who kept getting off due to lack of evidence. The few who cried for harsher justice were vastly drowned out by those with praise for this makeshift vigilante.
The look she is giving Uryuu tells him she knows what he is really thinking, though. The real reason he is so bitter and miserable about it all, the reason he is barely beginning to move on months later. Even Yoruichi had refrained from comment when she heard his affair with a patient ended before it properly began. The reason is that he was so prepared to give it all up. Turn in his license and pursue a career in medicine or maybe law. Yoruichi has always told him he thinks like an attorney.
Uryuu would have gladly done it. But Kurosaki selfishly took that choice away from him so he could be a damned martyr. He took Uryuu's heart with him, cliché as that sounds. As soon as he understood Kurosaki wasn't coming back, a part of him withered away right then and there. He still can't bring himself to drive down the man's old street.
"Let's burn it."
"Yeah."
Ichigo catches a flash of sleek, slanted black hair and rectangular glasses across the room and promptly drops his metal clipboard. He barely hears it clatter loudly to the floor but the Uryuu look-alike turns to inspect the sudden noise, along with most of the room. Of course it's not him, he berates himself as he bends to pick it up. No one is dumb enough to keep looking for someone after half a year when they never really dated to begin with. Especially not Uryuu, who easily has the intelligence of five Ichigos.
"What's up, Ichigo? Spot a ghost?"
His floor supervisor, Hirako Shinji, sidles up to stand beside him. Wearing a white coat over scrubs matching Ichigo's, he offers a placid smile. Shinji was the first friend he made after he started working at this hospital. He also referred him to the therapist who has managed not to fuck him up worse than he already was.
"Sort of. False alarm, though."
"You look pretty tired, kid. Maybe you should call it a night?"
"I'm fine. Just thought I saw someone I used to know."
"One of these days I'll get you to tell me all about that sordid past of yours," Shinji warns with a teasing wink. "It's a slow night in the ER and you've been here over ten hours. Go ahead and clock out. See you on Monday, yeah?"
"Sure."
He knows better than to argue once Shinji makes up his mind about something. And if Ichigo is honest, he could use some extra shut-eye. Lately his nightmares have gotten worse, keeping him up a few times this week alone. His doctor wants to know all about them but he is nowhere near ready to talk about Uryuu with her. Unohana-sensei is gentle and wise like the ultimate mother-figure with an undercurrent of fierce strength but even she can't heal the hole he's ripped inside himself. No one but Uryuu could and he's the one person Ichigo can't bear to see.
Every day he still thinks about Uryuu. Wonders how he's doing. Hopes Uryuu isn't still angry with him—though he would deserve it. He can't count the number of times he has almost begged one of his sisters or close friends to find out about him. Ichigo needs to know that he's all right. That his tactless fumblings haven't hindered Uryuu's happiness in any way. Yet, he knows better than to crack Pandora's box; asking about him once would only be the beginning. So he lives in ignorance despite the agony of its consequence.
"Welcome home," his roommates mindlessly low as he shuffles into the house with the usual greeting.
Kensei and Love battle each other on the Xbox while Rose flips through a glossy magazine. Ichigo grabs a bottle of beer from the fridge and plops down next to them in the living room. Kensei looks askance at him between matches, reading his mood. As Ichigo's 'sponsor' of sorts, he has the duty of making sure his mental state remains stable. None of them knows the details, but Ichigo made it clear before he moved in that he is being treated for a complicated condition...and everything that could entail.
"You're back early."
"Shinji cut me loose; slow day at the hospital."
"Hn," Kensei grunts, letting it slide.
"Maybe you should turn in early," mumbles Rose without glancing up from his pages. "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, I might."
"You having those nightmares again, Ichigo?"
He glares at Love out of habit. If there's one person in the group of pseudo-big brothers who always asks stupidly invasive questions, it's that guy. Ichigo knows he means well, though.
"Something like that."
"Who's 'Uryuu'?"
Everyone stiffens as those two words bring on a massive cloud of tension, settling thick and crackling over the room.
"We can't help overhearing..." Rose weakly explains as he lowers his magazine. "Thin walls."
"And you shout sometimes," Kensei adds. The game goes ignored, left to time out as three pairs of eyes watch him.
Ichigo sighs, spitting curt phrases like bitter seeds. "No one. Doesn't matter. Forget it."
Standing, he goes to shut himself in his room for the night but Kensei stops him with a grip on his forearm.
"He's not 'no one', man. You don't call out a person's name like that if they don't matter to you."
"You can trust us, Ichigo," Love reminds him. "We've all been through awful shit. We know what it's like."
Ichigo wants to shout at them. Wants to ask, 'You know what it's like to love someone more than you want to live because they make you want to live for the first time in your whole life? You know what it's like to realize you can never be with them because you'd only drag them down to your level?' Instead, he takes a steadying breath and releases it.
Meets Kensei's shrewd gaze as he says, "I don't want to talk about it right now."
"When will you, then? It's been over six months since you moved here and every other night you still dream about him! It's time, Ichigo. Before it gets worse."
"Lay it on us," Rose agrees.
"We're excellent listeners," nods Love.
Kensei is right; Ichigo has been dealing with this ever since he moved to this city and will probably keep struggling with it well after he eventually moves on. These guys have been there for him whenever he could possibly need them. They may be a rowdy, rag-tag bunch but their hearts are always in the right place. If there was anyone here he could trust with this, it's them. He just doesn't see how talking about it will help. Rose can't teach him how to romance Uryuu back into his life. Kensei couldn't tell him how to fight off his inner demons. Love won't be able to kill his lifetime of pain with humor. Nothing will change!
Still, Ichigo knows they will only keep asking day after day until he moves out or just confesses already. It'll only get worse now and he's not quite ready to leave yet. So, with a concession that translates to a stoop in his shoulders, Ichigo sinks back onto the couch and stares at the floor.
"Fine. I'll tell you this once and then I don't want to talk about it again. Got it?" The three men nod solemnly as Ichigo swallows back a lump at the memory those words trigger. Being in Uryuu's office, discussing his mother, seems like such a long time ago…almost a year, in fact. "Uryuu was my shrink back home. He single-handedly transformed me over the course of about five months from a rotten egg into a golden prince by comparison."
"So he was like a mentor?" Rose asks, leaning forward too intently. "A father-figure?"
"He's twenty-six—twenty-seven now, I guess—so not really a father-figure."
"Young!" Love and Kensei gasp in tandem.
"Uryuu's a genius."
"So if he was your psychiatrist and he made you all better, why do you shout his name in your sleep?" Kensei is the one to breach the tricky subject at its heart after a brief pause. "Why did you leave?"
"Because I'm a fucking moron." They exchange grave looks as Ichigo grits his teeth and shuts his eyes in shame. "He wasn't just my shrink. But he wasn't supposed to be more than my shrink."
"That is a no-no," Love agrees. "Bad ju-ju for the egg-heads."
"It's about safety, dumbass," Kensei shuts him up. "No one would trust doctors if they used their power and influence to seduce their patients."
"Were you…victimized?" Rose almost whispers. Ichigo laughs wryly at that, startling the man.
"No, nothing like that. If anything, I seduced him." Thinking of Shirosaki making overtures not once but twice in Uryuu's office, Ichigo frowns. Then, going as far as to drag himself to Uryuu's home and—He cuts those thoughts off before they set him shaking again. "Uryuu said he couldn't do it and I respected that. But then he told me he returned my feelings and I lost my head."
"He cared for you, too?" Scooting close, Love raises his eyebrows at that. "What did you do?"
"I told him to be my doctor and nothing else."
"What?" Kensei barks, angrily rounding on him. "Why would you do that? Was it just a game? See if you could get him to fall for you?"
"Of course not," Ichigo snarls back. "I was already in love with him by then!"
Silence falls over the group at the admission he hadn't intended to make. Ichigo releases a tremulous breath and forces his body to relax a bit. The beer is buzzing in his blood, sending it rushing to his brain, and he worries he will say too much instead of too little for once.
"You were protecting him, weren't you?" comes Rose's quiet revelation. Ichigo gives a faint nod and they alternate sighing and groaning for various reasons. "Oh, kid…"
"So what was the tipping point?" Love just has to know, "What made you skip town?"
"That's personal."
"You slept with him, didn't you?" Kensei rumbles with unmasked disdain. "Knowing what it would mean to him. That's why you can't let it go."
"What the fuck do you know about it, huh?"
"More than you'd think."
They stare each other down for a moment. Until Ichigo's guilt crashes over him in a sharp, icy wave. The reason he still has nightmares about Uryuu is because of that guilt. Perpetually growing, never receding. It looms over Ichigo every minute of every day alongside its companion, the gaping pit of loss that is his hopeless love for the man.
"I made a fucking stupid mistake, all right?" he rasps past the lump in his throat. "I took advantage of his kindness. The only way I could ensure it ended there was by removing myself from the picture."
"Don't tell me you just vanished," Rose demands, aghast. "What that poor man must think…"
"I wrote him a letter. Convinced him I just didn't have my shit together enough to have a relationship." Ichigo shakes his head, recalling how hard it had been to write those lies to Uryuu despite knowing they were better than the truth. "That way he would think I'm an asshole and wouldn't give up his life to search for me."
"Guess it worked," Love states. "It's not like you're hiding well, staying in the same country, keeping your real name, and all that."
"That guy didn't buy your bullshit, Ichigo," Kensei heatedly interjects. "If he's as smart as you say he is he knows you better than you know yourself. Of course he'd see through your dumb letter and your shitty ploy. He didn't come after you because he respects your choice this time. But you know what, kid? You really are a fucking moron if you think that's what he wanted."
"So you're an expert on strangers' secret thoughts?" Ichigo challenges, irritation rising in place of sadness for once. "How would you know what Uryuu—"
"You said he admitted he liked you back, right? Before you slept with him."
"Yeah, and?"
"That was his way of saying, 'I'll give up my career for you,' because he knew you couldn't ask him to. Then you went and told him to stick with it instead of pursuing you. What gives you the right to pick for him?"
"You don't get it! It's not just about him being my shrink and the chance that he'd lose his license." Vision blurring with a combination of rage and sorrow, Ichigo leaps up to glare at them all at once. "I ruin everything I touch! Twenty-eight years and I've never been with anyone like Uryuu. He's too good, too precious to be subjected to a fuck-up like me. I couldn't take the chance that I'd hurt him. I couldn't live with it!"
"When was the last time you…committed a crime?" Rose softens the question with a euphemism. "Lost control? Lashed out at anyone at all?"
"I don't know. What difference does it make?"
"I think what Rose is asking is how do you know you haven't been cured?" clarifies Love with an unusually serious tone. "If your doctor helped as much as you say, maybe you're safe to be around again."
That hadn't occurred to Ichigo. Shocked at the idea, he considers it.
The last time he had an episode was the night he fought Aizen and Gin. But he had worked with his alters rather than allowing them to supersede his judgment. He hadn't lost control, he had retaken it. Since then the others have barely been a hint in the dredges of his consciousness. Ichigo can tell they are still there, however, and as long as they remain the threat will, as well.
Besides, given his history old enemies could always fall back into his life unexpectedly. Renji told him that Aizen and Ichimaru survived that night and he has mixed feelings about it. Not least of all being that Ichigo realizes they could still track him down for revenge. Worse, they could go after his friends and family. Admittedly, he was relieved that he hadn't actually committed murder in his delirium, but if that means his loved ones are endangered he would almost rather they had died.
"It doesn't matter. None of it fucking matters," Ichigo grumbles at them. "What's done is done and I'm not going back."
"Why not?" Honestly baffled, Love curls a corner of his mouth in confusion. "It's not like you killed his pet and totaled his car. You made a poor decision but your intentions were good. If he's as awesome as you say he'll definitely forgive y—"
"I'm going to bed."
"Wait, Ichigo," they collectively call in his direction as he pushes past them and stomps down the hall.
He slams the door and collapses onto his futon like old times. Only this time it isn't because he is riddled with pointless depression brought about by chemical misfires and recurrent anxiety. This time it is because he has a legitimate reason to mourn the state of his life. Uryuu was so much more to him than the psychiatrist who saved Ichigo from himself after so many years spent suffering. He was more than a close friend and a brief lover. Uryuu was—is the one person in this world who could make him whole in all the ways that matter.
Ichigo can never have that.
He has thought about it a few times: what it would be like to go back to him. Only a few because he can't bear to rehash it more than that. A few because it wouldn't leave him alone if he shut it out completely. He has thought about what expressions Uryuu would make. The things he might say. What Ichigo would tell him before Uryuu's anger caught up to him and made him slam the door in his face. Ichigo has imagined the pain, the joy of seeing him again after so long. Such a relatively short time made longer by the dragging days he has endured.
Ichigo has even daydreamed about Uryuu finding him here, in this random town. Maybe one reason he didn't bother with a fake name is because part of him was hoping Uryuu would be foolish enough to chase him down after all. He would be so shocked, so full of concern and love for him that he might have a heart attack on the spot.
In the end it's all pointless conjecture. Talking about it, picturing it, wishing for it. It's all meaningless since he knows it can never happen. Uryuu has already forgotten about him. Written Ichigo off as the mercurial hooligan he always was and moved on with some intelligent, worldly guy who will protect him and give Uryuu everything he deserves. Everything Ichigo could never offer.
That's the way it has to be.
