Uryuu startles awake to the sound of knocking on his door. Sluggish in his half-sleeping state, he stumbles across the room to pull it open in aggravation. He is gearing up to give whoever it is a verbal lashing for visiting so late. Then a patch of unmistakable color resolves in his indistinct view. He blinks a few times, squints for good measure. Uryuu shakes his head as the visitor looks on with a pained expression.
"Kurosaki?" he hisses, disbelieving.
"Hey, Ishida," the man murmurs in response.
Gripping the door frame for support, Uryuu swiftly locks everything down before it can surge up and strangle him where he stands. It takes him nearly a minute before he can speak again.
"What are you doing here?"
"I—I'm sorry, I—"
Kurosaki's voice breaks on something so simple and his hands come up, pleading, as his head lowers. Uryuu bites his lip and shuts his eyes against it. He wants to pretend this is a nightmare. That he's still asleep and none of this is the least bit real. He can wake up anytime and this will be just another tick mark on his list of torturous dreams. A memory of that night transformed into a beast out for his blood.
But there is nothing vague or indefinite about what he is feeling right now. Smothering and sharp, a pain in his chest so real he almost reaches up to check for the wound. Fingers tighten on the frame and Uryuu's breaths come fast and light. It makes his voice too small.
"You can't be here."
"I know," Kurosaki chokes, turning shining brown eyes upon him. "I know. I'll leave. I just had to make sure you were all right. I'm sorry."
And Kurosaki does leave. Shoulders slumped, he pads down the stairs and lifts a hand to his face. Uryuu can't see it clearly from here. His glasses are on the table.
"Wait." Kurosaki freezes halfway down the staircase, not turning around and not continuing either. "You heard about Aizen and Ichimaru?"
"What?" he cries, jerking back to look up at him. "How did you know about that?"
"I just came from talking with the police about it, though I don't see how you could've—"
"They attacked you!?" Running back upstairs, Kurosaki flicks frantic eyes over Uryuu. "Are you all right? Renji said he'd heard they were making their move soon but this—"
"Why does Abarai know about their plans?"
"I asked him to keep an eye out for anything," Kurosaki admits after he is satisfied Uryuu is unharmed. "I knew those bastards would try something eventually. I couldn't let them hurt you. I'm such an idiot! How could I get here late? What if they'd—"
"You've been keeping tabs on us," Uryuu tonelessly states. The revelation should have occurred to him before. Of course Kurosaki would never forsake his family and friends when he has left potential threats in his wake. "What else has Abarai been relaying to you?"
"Nothing. Nothing about you…I couldn't bear to ask."
Considering that, Uryuu's indignation ebbs somewhat. Kurosaki is giving him his patented kicked-puppy look that has always made Uryuu want to reach for him. His hand twitches with the urge even now. Catching the miniscule movement, Kurosaki's gaze snaps to his bloody knuckle, eyes widening. He steps forward and Uryuu doesn't have the presence of mind to step back. Kurosaki's fingers close gently around his wrist and lift his hand to inspect the injury.
Uryuu's reproach is stolen from his lungs on a rush of emotions at the touch. The invisible knife perpetually lodged in his heart twists brutally, unexpectedly. Uryuu is gasping against the pain, yanking his hand free and tripping over the lip in his foyer's floor on his retreat.
"Uryuu!"
The sound of his name in that voice is the final shove. Uryuu falls over the literal and metaphorical precipices. Kurosaki kneeling beside him, full of worry and residual affection. Memories of falling in love with this man assail him. Memories of what they shared here that night so long ago—so recently—cut into him. Memories of the countless hours he has spent in regret utterly destroy him.
"Get out," he sobs the instant hot, stinging anguish breaks past the floodgates and spills onto his cheeks. "Leave!"
Kurosaki doesn't hesitate. He sees Uryuu's tears and he pulls him into a crushing hug. Uryuu's hands go to the man's arms and grip the flesh there, wanting to push him off but he ends up tugging him closer. Stilted breaths interspersed with piteous sobs shake out of him amidst the broken ramblings of Kurosaki into the hollow of his throat.
"I'm so sorry, Uryuu. I never should've left you like that! Every second since I've regretted it, felt like such a jackass because I didn't know how else to keep you safe." Kurosaki's quick gasp is taken solely to continue his monologue. "This year has felt like a decade without you. You mean so much to me! Can you ever forgive me? Uryuu, please don't cry. Please. I love you so much. I love you so please don't cry anymore. Gods, I'm so sorry…"
Part of him laughs at all those weeks spent convincing himself he was over Kurosaki in the important ways. Part of him rebels against the idea of allowing disillusionment now. Most of him is just unspeakably grateful to have the man back in his arms, even for a moment. The soft rub of his bright hair. Subtle scent of his skin. Warm weight of him against Uryuu. Smooth timbre of his earnest voice. Hands cradling the back of his head and the curve of his spine.
"Ichigo," he fights past a sob to say.
"I'm here, Uryuu," comes the immediate response. "I'm right here."
Happy to hold him for as long as it takes, Ichigo's grip stays firm to his frame. Soon the tears dry and Uryuu's shaking ceases. Ichigo pulls back only far enough to meet his eyes. Uryuu is not surprised to see the telltale tracks trailing Ichigo's face as well. He looks at Uryuu with enough emotion to steal his breath all over again.
Then he kisses Uryuu like it's the first and the last time all at once, letting slip an urgent whine when it is returned. Ichigo's fingers push into his hair and hold him steady. Thumbs graze at the edges of his temples and Uryuu is sure his heart will burst any second now. It has to because it is too full too quickly and there's not enough room in its emaciated chambers for this much love. This much meaning.
They remain this way for countless minutes until their lips are chapped, the pain has subsided, and fatigue begins to settle back in. Uryuu thinks about the short nap he had and how his body is equally eager to continue it or forego it as long as he can stay like this. But he knows time never actually stands still. Reluctantly, he pulls away. Ichigo seems to sense his thoughts and stands to pull him up. They stare at each other for a long moment before Ichigo eventually speaks.
"Can I make you some tea?"
Nodding, Uryuu fights a smile at the gesture. The last time he was here Uryuu had made him tea after tending his wounds. It's funny how they keep coming full-circle in the strangest ways. He watches Ichigo walk into the kitchen and listens to him fumble in the cabinets for the necessary tools. Uryuu sinks onto his sofa and takes a second to do a mental assessment. Having just wept for the first time in well over a decade should leave him with a plethora of negative emotions but all he feels is relief-tinged happiness. The warmth of Ichigo's touch lingers.
A few minutes later, he returns to Uryuu's side with two steaming mugs. He sets them on the coffee table to cool. When Ichigo turns to him, his confliction is evident.
"How are you?"
He asks it carefully, almost guiltily. Uryuu knows he doesn't mean right now, at this exact moment. He also knows Ichigo isn't looking for manufactured optimism. So he tells the bold truth.
"Not great," he begins with a small sigh. Ichigo cringes slightly and nods. "Orihime is convinced I'm suffering a continuous nervous breakdown. I've only been on one date this year and that ended in near-disaster. My new job isn't as fulfilling as I'd hoped—"
"New job?"
"I quit psychiatry and started with a genetic research laboratory a few months after you disappeared."
"Why? You loved that job!"
"Conjugation is key: I loved it until every single session reminded me of you."
"Shit, Uryuu…"
"It's not that serious," he dismisses. Seeing Ichigo deflate with remorse snuffs whatever resentment he may have had towards the man about it. Uryuu picks up his cup to take careful sips between sentences. "I was never absolutely set on that path to begin with. My father wanted me to be the chief surgeon in his hospital. My grandfather hoped I might be a tailor like him. My mother was an excellent prosecutor. It's not like I never had other choices."
"Yeah, but—"
"Besides, I was prepared to quit the day I visited your apartment. Though I never said so explicitly. Perhaps I should have."
"I couldn't have let you do that for me."
The way Ichigo looks dejectedly towards the ground as he says it pisses Uryuu off. As if Ichigo isn't good enough to warrant a major life change. As if Uryuu is some important idol and Ichigo is just the worthless fan. As if he doesn't understand how much he has healed Uryuu in ways he never imagined possible.
He watches Ichigo sip from his green mug with an anxious little frown. Probably brooding about how he has ruined Uryuu's life. Killed his dream job, stole his innocence, and set a pair of rabid wombats after him for revenge. His fists clench at the audacity. Uryuu isn't some helpless maiden!
"Listen carefully, Ichigo: I'm only going to say this once." The man's eyes flare wide at the angry lilt of his voice and lock onto Uryuu's face. "At no point did you force me into anything. Your influence extended only so far as I allowed it. So don't you dare try to take responsibility for my happiness. Understand?"
For a second Ichigo looks like he wants to argue, but then he thinks better of it and nods.
"If it means anything, I've regretted it every day." His thumbs fidget with the handle of his mug as he gazes into the swirling liquid. "Thought I was going to go insane with shame. I had so many nightmares about…you being hurt or miserable or…"
Swallowing, Ichigo shuts his eyes and forcibly ends that thought. Ichigo looks up at him with sad eyes and Uryuu sees it all. The desolation, the loneliness, the pain. It's easy to spot because Uryuu has seen it on his own face in the mirror countless times.
"I know."
"I made new friends and I got a new job but none of it mattered. Nothing meant a damn thing without you, Uryuu."
The cup in his hand gets slammed to the table, halting whatever words Ichigo was preparing next. Uryuu is shaking again. He wrenches Ichigo's drink from him to shove alongside its twin. When he turns on Ichigo the man is watching him with resignation. Likely expecting a fit or a fight, but Uryuu doesn't feel like raising a fuss or a fist. Still, he squeezes a handful of Ichigo's shirt and yanks him closer.
"Yeah, you fucked up," he growls without much venom, though it hits Ichigo like a shout.
"I know. I'm sor—"
"So you're going to be making it up to me for a while."
"Huh?"
Uryuu allows a smirk to twist his lips before he presses them against Ichigo's.
If he's really honest with himself, Uryuu spent a lot of time being angry and sad, feeling lonelier than ever before in his life. Yet, he also spent a portion of time daydreaming about Ichigo as if he never left. Things like talking over a meal, discussing movies as they watch, going on weekend trips. And yes, Uryuu imagined being with him again like that night, but not like that night. He has no shortage of ideas on the subject.
That's why he doesn't take things slowly now, easing back into familiarity as they otherwise would. Uryuu expresses his needs quite clearly in the kiss he controls, the pressure of exploring palms, and the demanding squeeze of his knees to Ichigo's thighs between them as he nudges into his lap. Ichigo makes hushed sounds of confusion and sets uncertain hands over Uryuu's knees. Uryuu decides he wants them anywhere else than placidly resting on such boring joints.
"Stop holding back, Ichigo," he momentarily relents to snap. "Do you intend to keep torturing me?"
"N-no, I just—"
"Then touch me."
Hands braced on Ichigo's shoulders, Uryuu stares hard, conveying with an expression what Ichigo isn't understanding from his words. He stares back, confusion ebbing in favor of something more instinctual. Finally Ichigo seems to get it. They rip off each other's shirts before reengaging in a wild kiss, fingers curling and skating over firm flesh. Uryuu shudders at the blunt nails carving shallowly into his back. He repays Ichigo by tugging at his hair to expose his throat. A trick Shirosaki once used has him groaning against Uryuu's teeth sinking there.
Uryuu arches to reach for Ichigo's pants, trailing loose fingers along the hardness he finds. Unlike Shirosaki, he doesn't wait for permission to unzip and retrieve the erection within. Ichigo groans a sloppy string of curses as Uryuu touches and tugs. He doesn't get to tease long before Ichigo is shifting him sideways to sprawl across the couch. Uryuu smiles at the feeling of wet kisses being painted down his sternum and stomach. Then he bites his lip and snaps his eyes closed because Ichigo wants to kiss something else entirely.
Multitasking most impressively, Ichigo removes Uryuu's slacks while licking hot circles around the head of his cock. Uryuu would be happy to help if he wasn't so preoccupied with holding himself back already. But Ichigo seems eager to see him lose it as soon as possible, sucking Uryuu down and moaning thrilling vibration against him. Gripping his hips for stability, Ichigo begins to bob his head and attack in earnest.
"Ichigo, wait—I'm too close," Uryuu pants, twisting the edge of a cushion in a desperate grip. Ichigo doesn't heed him; if anything, he seems to go faster. "I-I'm going to—A-aahn!"
Pressure explodes in his chest, hitting him from bleary brain to tingling toes. Uryuu rides his orgasm over two startling waves as Ichigo leads him through it. When it tapers to a buzzing end, he struggles to blink his eyes open and see Ichigo's smug grin. He crawls up Uryuu's limp body and nuzzles into his neck.
"How's that for making it up to you?"
"It's a start," he murmurs, feeling a smile tugging at his mouth. "But I think you just stole the last of my energy."
"Don't worry: I won't let you sleep just yet."
"Is that so?"
Uryuu believes it. He watches Ichigo stand and lets himself be pulled up as well. Stepping close to initiate a calmer kiss, he pushes Ichigo's open jeans and unnecessary boxers down his legs to step out of. Then Uryuu takes his hand to lead the way to his bedroom, flipping on the light as he goes. Once there, he guides Ichigo to sit at the edge of his bed and kneels in front of him.
"Wait, you don't have—"
"Shut up and let me show you how it's done," Uryuu says, smirking as he shoves Ichigo to lean back on his elbows. "While your technique is certainly effective, I'd say mine is more methodical."
Before Ichigo can argue, he dips down to lap at the warm fluid collecting at the tip. One hand steadies while the other palms his heavy sac, and Ichigo hisses as his knees fall open to either side. Uryuu takes his time. Starting with a teasing press of lips while looking right into Ichigo's lust-clouded eyes. He moves on to light suction and short, gentle strokes where his mouth doesn't yet reach. Soon a slithering tongue joins in. Then he begins to swallow him down bit by bit. Ichigo's mouth parts to make way for rough breaths and low moans, fists rustling the blanket. All the while Uryuu greedily watches the way Ichigo completely unravels for him.
"Uryuu," he begs without the words. Ichigo's shaking arms give out and drop him to the mattress. His spine arches as his eyes roll back. "Uryuu!"
He takes Ichigo all the way through it, not letting up until the shivers stop. Collapsing into his arms, Uryuu kisses across his shoulder and up his neck to the hollow under his chin. Although he is half-aroused again from seeing and hearing Ichigo like that, Uryuu isn't disappointed when his eyes remain closed. Instead, he focuses on the ebbing tide of his breathing and the reassuring heat of his skin.
"Goodnight, Ichigo," he whispers and starts to reach for the covers. Strong hands stop him and hold fast.
"Are you kidding? I told you I'm not letting you sleep yet." Suddenly Ichigo's eyes are sharply focused on his. "If you thought I'd be satisfied with that much after being apart for so long…"
"Well, it is late and we've both had a stressful day," Uryuu says purely to play Devil's Advocate. "And after a blow job like that, I figured you wouldn't have the strength to continue."
"Ha-ha," he intones with fake annoyance. "It takes more than a spectacular orgasm to satisfy me, Uryuu."
"Fortunately for you."
"Fortunately for you," Ichigo corrects, bracing himself over Uryuu to pull him into another long kiss. "Tell me you have lube around here somewhere."
"I might…or it could be expired."
Groaning at that, Ichigo reluctantly lets him up to search for it. Uryuu comes back a few minutes later smelling like soap and carrying a small bottle.
"We're in luck."
"Twice lucky," Ichigo agrees and pulls Uryuu into his lap. Sniffing him, "Did you shower?"
"Only where it matters."
"Clever man."
Ichigo takes the bottle and guides Uryuu to lie on the bed, kissing along his chest aimlessly as he makes good use of the precious substance. Even though he has had to wait far too long for this, Ichigo can't bear to rush it. He wants to draw every last second out as long as possible, wants to remember every last facet of this experience. The slide of his fingers into Uryuu, the way he can't keep his back from arching into it. Legs shifting restlessly across the sheets as he rolls his head and licks his lips. All the quiet sounds of encouragement and pleasure he makes for Ichigo.
Mouth travelling down, Ichigo takes a moment to appreciate the manifestation of Uryuu's desire for him. It's the prettiest dick he's ever seen and Ichigo cheerily tells him as much. Uryuu's flustered denial gets cut short as he twists in at just the right angle, hitting the hidden gem that makes his entire body jerk. Ichigo leans forward to mimic the assertive motion of his fingers with his tongue. The taste of Uryuu's insistent moans urges him to move on from such leisurely torment.
"Enough, Ichigo," he breaks away to pant. Impatient for more, Uryuu abruptly pushes him down and straddles his hips. "I may be out of practice but I have done this before. There's no need to take all night. Or were you having so much fun you forgot what comes next?"
"Guilty."
Smiling crookedly up at him, Ichigo brushes some of the fluid black locks spilling across Uryuu's face. Soft eyelashes graze the side of his thumb on a slow blink. And those clear blue eyes never looked warmer than when they lock onto Ichigo's now. Uryuu braces one hand against his chest for stability and uses the other to guide Ichigo inside. They both sigh at the hot, steady slide.
Uryuu starts off steadily, settling into a carefully measured pace that Ichigo swiftly starts to interrupt with off-beat thrusts of his own. Rather than annoyance, Uryuu seems to appreciate this signature bit of chaos, considering the way his eyes fall shut and stay that way. Ichigo plants a firm grip to his hips and uses it to further influence the pace. Soon Uryuu is leaning back, curving his spine and exposing his neck. Unable to resist such an offering, Ichigo sits up to clamp his mouth to a fluttering pulse point.
This slight shift in position has Uryuu crying out and grasping tightly to his upper arms. Ichigo feels the fine tremors race across his skin like warning aftershocks. Entranced, he carefully rocks into Uryuu and watches closely as he loses all composure. Uryuu's breathing becomes ragged, sweating lightly, eyes going glassy even as they try to stay on Ichigo. The longer he watches, the faster he climbs, and Ichigo nibbles at Uryuu's collar bone to distract himself from how amazing it feels.
"Ichigo," he gasps. It's all he needs to understand what Uryuu is asking for.
"I know." Supporting him with strong arms, Ichigo sets him on his back and hooks Uryuu's legs around his waist. "Me too. Not gonna last long, Uryuu."
It's easy to find the perfect angle now that he's already done it twice. Ichigo wraps his hands under Uryuu's shoulders and kisses him hard as he starts thrusting harder. Hands press at his hips, smooth down the back of his neck, and sift through his hair. He can feel Uryuu's erection slicking their bellies with proof of his excitement; he can't help moaning at the thought. When Ichigo's pace falters and Uryuu turns from the kiss to let his mouth fall open on a halting shout, reality bursts with something simultaneously blinding and burning. In the best possible way.
And Uryuu is warm in his arms, pressing loose kisses to his chin and cheek, uttering these contented little hums while he waits for Ichigo to recover. Uryuu's eyes are already closed, brow completely relaxed with a serenity that only fantastic sex can provide. They open one last time to meet his and catch the awestruck look Ichigo knows he's wearing. Uryuu smiles.
"Goodnight, Ichigo."
Uryuu wakes up in increments. He registers warmth and comfort and a steadily diminishing sleepiness that easily gives way to a refreshed consciousness. Feeling whole like he hasn't in far too long. Then Uryuu remembers last night and panic ruins the moment because memories of that night over a year ago cripple him. How it had felt to be there the next morning without Ichigo in his bed. The pain of that rejection, the hollowness from its meaning. It was almost on the same level as losing his grandfather. Worse, in a different way.
But it doesn't last long. Uryuu registers the telltale weight of a strong arm draping his waist and relief pours over him, heavy and chill like wet cement. It drags him back to the moment enough to notice how he is trembling from the adrenaline rush. Taking carefully measured breaths, Uryuu shuts his eyes and calms his heart. Quiets the fearful voices in the back of his mind and tells them to shut the hell up. When he cracks his lids and turns to look over his shoulder, Ichigo is watching him with alert eyes. It makes Uryuu wonder how long the man has been awake. He opens his mouth to ask but the remorseful pinch to Ichigo's brow gives him pause.
"You thought I was gone." It's not a question and Uryuu doesn't answer. "Again. I'm sorry."
"I know."
"That doesn't make it okay."
"No…"
"I'm so sorry, Uryuu," he whispers, leaning in to rest their foreheads together. "If I knew how much it would hurt you I never would've left. Watching you cry last night almost killed me."
"You couldn't have known how I felt about you." Light and forgiving, Uryuu trails fingertips down the arm holding him close. "I didn't even understand it myself until I couldn't see you anymore. Hear your voice or see your face. I missed your smell."
He leans in to take a greedy breath of it from the crook of Ichigo's neck. The man makes a small sound in his throat and suddenly Uryuu is being enveloped in a tight hug from head to toe. Ichigo holds him as if the slightest release in grip would mean disaster. Shocked for a moment, Uryuu relaxes into it and smiles. He starts to laugh a little. Ichigo joins in and elation swells effervescent and heady in his chest. And Ichigo starts kissing him all over, anywhere he can reach, with tender presses that turn that tingly bubble into a colorful thing so bright it makes his eyes water. Ichigo catches a salty dot of that moisture and jerks back as if stung.
"Uryuu…?"
"It's okay, Ichigo," he tells him without hesitation, tilting to deliver a reassuring kiss of his own. "It's the good kind of tears this time."
Licking his lip as if testing the taste for confirmation, Ichigo hesitantly accepts it. He nuzzles against Uryuu like a contented puppy, causing another round of chuckles for the image.
"I want to make you smile," Ichigo says against his collar bone. "Want to hear you laugh every single day. I never want to see you sad again."
"That's quite a goal," snickers Uryuu, ticklish from his warm breath. "Are you sure you're up to the job?"
"Definitely."
He thought it was idle chatter, just a bit of light flirting without real intent. But the way Ichigo is looking at him makes him rethink that assumption. Almost somber, he gazes at Uryuu hard enough to memorize him. The words are meant as an offer. A promise. A request. So Uryuu takes it completely seriously.
"Will you stay?"
"If you'll let me," comes a reply so soft and unsure it breaks Uryuu's heart. Ichigo leans up on an elbow to look at him fully. "I don't deserve you—don't even deserve your forgiveness after what I did to you. I thought I was protecting you but I was such an idiot. You were offering everything I could want and I threw it back in your face. I'm sor—"
"If you apologize one more time, so help me…" Ichigo's eyes widen at that and he snaps his mouth shut, lips curling in a contrite smile. "I understand why you did it, you fool. You don't have to explain it to me. I forgive you."
Those three simple words bring some hidden wall tumbling down inside Ichigo. His face contorts into something equal-parts redemption and joy. The sight of it triggers a sympathetic pang that has Uryuu reaching for him. He cradles Ichigo's head against his chest and feels him breathe, quick and arrhythmic. The man grips Uryuu's shoulders for dear life as he shudders with it. A gasping mumble is barely intelligible.
"Could you ever love someone like us?"
One sentence and Uryuu's world resolves to its basic elements. Things like Ichigo's mental illness, his criminal background, and even potential threats in the future cease to matter, if they ever did. Curing Ichigo was never really about scrubbing Tensa, Zangetsu, and Shirosaki out of existence. It was always about accepting them and working together as a whole. Getting past his mistakes and the hardship that caused them by accepting all of himself for the first time. Uryuu is already there and he's sure Ichigo will reach that revelation someday soon. Until then, he will remain by Ichigo's side and offer whatever he needs to get there.
Uryuu pulls back enough to look into Ichigo's eyes. Beyond the fear and vulnerability on the surface, he sees Ichigo's limitless strength. His enduring compassion and innocence. A man so ready to offer the love that fills his soul to the brim. And it's all Uryuu's.
With a wide, happy smile Uryuu kisses his forehead and says, "I do love you, Ichigo. All of you."
AN: Epilogues will be up tomorrow. Happy New Year, everybody!
